It's Christmas Eve at last......

Okay...not really, but here in our household tonight is Christmas Eve...Yep, we are FINALLY observing the occasion...without my daughter....sigh!! She's not going to make it this year...and it just seems WRONG to celebrate without her....We held out hope that she would find a way to make the trip...but with her illness (including dizziness..(preventing her from driving)) and last minute flights being so expensive...it's not going to happen.....Sooo...we decided we should move forward before the New Year is here....(are we cutting it close or what?!)....and celebrate while it's still 2005!!!

As is customary for us, we opened one gift just before bedtime....(our 'Christmas 'jammies'). :)) Everybody is wearing 'gingerbread men' this year..ha! Funny how the kids never seem to tire of this tradition....(even if they did....it's doubtful they'd admit it to mom)!!! :))

And yes, folks, mom 'got her act together'.....(better late than never, huh?!)....and dismissed the idea of the 'Unconventional Christmas'!! It was a good thought...but well....giving myself permission to consider it, relieved me of the pressure, I suppose, and somehow I managed to accomplish what was seemingly impossible....Okay, so I have not begun cooking....okay...I've not even gone to the grocery store yet...Perhaps that will happen tomorrow(?!).....especially if I convince myself I don't 'have to'!!! Haha! Things seem to be working out best this way.....

So, I'm feeling like I should read _The Night Before Christmas_ or something....or perhaps...I should just go to bed....or else....'Santa' could just 'fly right over our house'....now we would not want THAT would we??!?!

..." 'Twas the night before Christmas"......Happy Holidays, folks!!!! :))

Mrs. Robinson Revisited....

....the guy in this movie slept with 'Grandma' too?!?! Ha!

Upon reflection, I'm reminded.....

....suddenly of that line: "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings".....sigh....This is not the kind of memory one likes to create during the season....

Another thing I realized is that blogging has become easier for me. In the beginning, I felt I would never be able to share so freely....words simply were not flowing....and now...well, I'm addicted!! Ha!! I've read that other bloggers feel this way....today I understand. I suppose it has become easier, because I highly doubt that anyone is truly paying attention, so I can just do this for myself....it's somewhat cathartic...a peaceful, quiet time alone with my thoughts and reflections. I think I'm gonna love this after all!! :))

(*Note* to Di.....Time to get up and get moving....there are things to do, people to see, places to go....you won't get there 'blogging' around here...haha!!!)

On a lighter note......

I'm patting myself on the back, but mostly thanking my friends and family for helping me to improve the look of my blog a bit. I'm learning how to do those things that I never thought I could...like attaching photos, and links, and everything you see going on that was not present in the beginning....(scroll down...you'll see)....Anyway, without their patient instruction and encouragement, I would not be where I am today!! (Haha!! You'd think someone had bestowed an honor on my blog...ha...now that would be unbelievable...haha...I'd say I have a long way to go before I can 'Thank the Academy'....but hmm...I 'have' improved in just weeks, huh?!) I'm proud & grateful!! :))

BIG SIGH!!!

While blogging the previous post, I saw a pop-up in the right corner of my screen flashing the news that I had a new e-mail in 'Yahoo! Mail'. I noticed it was from my cousin who posts in our high school 'yahoogroups'...a bulletin board where my classmates keep up with one another. Because she lives in our hometown, my cousin generally shares the latest events happening there, typically who is sick and unfortunately who has died, etc. So I've come to expect tragic news whenever she posts...just seems to go that way. I noted that the subject was the name of her ex-husband, father of her daughter whom I've grown close to over the years. I feared there was bad news. And I was correct.

I took my time navigating away from here to there....I did not want to know, really...this guy is my age....he and I have some history...I rather liked him, despite the fact he and my cousin divorced. He and I managed to stay close enough over time. I did not want to find out what happened to him. My mind was racing....perhaps a car accident? A heart attack? What could it be..could he be gone? I really did not want to know....sigh...this is all the e-mail said:

"My daughter called me at 7:00 this morning and said her daddy died last night. Jan found him in his office unresponsive."

There..I read it...I'm numb...people my age are not supposed to die. I know I am no 'spring chicken'...but I still remember him as my classmate, my cousin's boyfriend, her husband, father of her firstborn. I (far left) was in their wedding, drove for hours after their daughter was born to see her for the first time. I saw him not long ago at a class reunion. We hugged and vowed to remain friends in the aftermath of divorce, because we both love his daughter dearly. And the truth is, I really liked him anyway. Now this...I was not ready for this to become part of my experience of him at this stage in life. It seems there is so much more to live...

(*Note* to Di...No regrets....live each day as if it would be your last!!)
:((

*Footnote* Ironically, this caption was placed beside his photo in our yearbook: "Don't put off 'til tomorrow what can possibly be done the day after."

Take heed!! :((

For Ken...

Sleepy-Eyed Dunkin' Donuts Actor Vale Dies
(AP Associated Press)


Awww...we'll have to go by and observe a moment of silence over a latte' and our fav donuts for our dearly departed icon, 'Fred the Baker'. Sigh!!! (The article says he died of complications from diabetes...Yikes!!! Ya think he had one too many?!?! Okay, maybe that was irreverent?! May he rest in peace!!) :((

Matters of the Heart......

In Sickness and in Health
Research shows a hostile marriage can be harmful to a woman's heart—in more ways than one.
WEB EXCLUSIVE
By Barbara Kantrowitz and Pat Wingert
Newsweek
Updated: 11:59 a.m. ET Dec. 27, 2005

No joke?! I could have written this article....in the fourth year of my separation/divorce proceedings, I suffered my first atrial fibrillation, which gave me quite a scare. A few months later we decided to settle out of court, and end the stress. Ironically ('knock wood'), I was later told this was a 'random fib' because there has been no reoccurrence. Coincidence?!?! I think not!!!

Just a word, continued.....

Tsunami...what do you think of whenever you hear this word now? To make a point, as stated in an earlier post, words carry so much weight...so much meaning. While I am not minimizing the devastation brought about by that tragic event, I was pleased to discover a new definition/connection for the word....Tsunami.

P.S.

Update on the woman who supposedly swallowed her cell phone....apparently she was a vicim of abuse. Sigh!!!

Just a word....

It's apparent to me today the significance of just a word......spoken, written, internalized....it has an effect on our psyche'. We manifest this in our demeanor...our behavior....our actions....our thoughts about ourselves. So would it not seem wise to choose our words carefully?!

I've noticed the change of expression on someone's face just at the mention of a word....I've felt a knot tighten in my stomach over one word spoken or written...I feel the same in my chest at times. I've seen people become angry and lash out verbally and sometimes physically over words exchanged. I've witnessed a person become sad over a word. People become frustrated over a single word. An entire range of emotions can be triggered by our words. So....food for thought....and....(*Note to Di*......choose your words carefully!!!) :))

Forget Unconventional!!!

Try NO Christmas celebration! That's right...we did not celebrate at all today!! We slept in, had a late breakfast, dragged the tree up the stairs and 'attempted' to set it up....with minimal success I might add. The mantel is decorated with the nutcrackers we've collected over the years. One small tree is standing behind a french door so that the lights may be viewed from the front porch. Miscellaneous decorations are scattered about the house. 'It's beginning to look'...haha....ya...that.....

My daughter could not make it home. She was left alone in the home of the couple who have given her a place to stay until she finds her own place to live in Nashville. They have relatives in our homestate of Mississippi, so they left a couple of days ago, before they learned of my daughter's visit to the emergency room. They went thinking she'd be driving here for the holidays! Because she is experiencing dizziness, she was advised not to drive, and it was a bit too late to obtain an airplane ticket for a reasonable fare.

Soooo...the person she is living with drove five hours back from Mississippi to gather her up to take her back with him for Christmas. The return trip was lengthened by an hour and a half due to a traffic accident in Memphis. This means the round trip for him was over 12 hours, not to mention the five or so hours he'd driven the night before to get there in the first place.

Tonight she is yet another hour away from the couple who took her there....My parents drove over to pick her up to join their celebration which has been delayed until tomorrow when all my sisters who are in town could gather to join them.

My son, his girlfriend and I postphoned 'our' celebration thinking my daughter may arrive here in Virginia eventually....but in the event this may 'not' happen...we are going to consider celebrating tomorrow....In other words, I am going to wrap the gifts tonight with this in mind. We'll shop for groceries tomorrow and begin cooking. My daughter advised that she may be arriving on Wednesday, but as I stated already, we are not counting on that...

I've never felt more numb in my life....I am devoid of feeling....it's a bit much to take in....I never expected to be in this place at this most 'traditional' time of year...I love holidays...I love decorating....I love having the family gather in....I loved it all before...tonight I feel emptied out...for many reasons...

We went out to eat with some of my son's friends last night, and I listened in on conversations floating around the room...I'm thinking people in general seem to have lost the Christmas spirit....nothing seems to be the same anywhere....I don't believe it's just me. One of my son's friends commented that he rather liked it this way....he is not religious, but he said (kind of tongue-in-cheek) that he felt the spirit should be shared 365 days a year....not just on this particular day. I, for one, feel I accomplish this. I like to think of myself as a very giving person....sometimes to a fault....but well....it makes me feel good, and perhaps this is what I need to remember today. It's just another day this time...and maybe that is not altogether a bad thing....

In perspective....

....I thought I was an embarrassment to myself when over-reacting at times to circumstances occurring around me...Take a look at this.....I feel this woman's experience tops the one of the girl having a conversation on her cell phone while robbing a bank.....or even this one perhaps...(shared by a friend who works in a prison for the 'criminally insane')....

In a similiar event, he described that in order to create a way to escape the prison cell, inmates often do bizarre things that will provide them a stay in the hospital. One female inmate decided to swallow a fountain pen...yep, she truly accomplished it, and her x-rays proved it. I recall asking why on earth she would do such a thing to herself...and my friend reminded me that she was (umm)...'crazy'?!

I don't know whether to laugh or have pity on these poor women....

(*Note to self* Always strive to keep your emotions in check to prevent having stories circulating the internet about your 'crazies'?! Ha!! I do a good enough job exposing those myself, hmm?!)

Holiday Reflections...

To my orange-cat-loving son, and my cat-(rescuer)-loving daughter...and all the rest of you who share the love...



Last evening while visiting with some friends, I observed their mesmorized cat perched on the arm of the sofa pawing at the shiny ornaments on the nearby Christmas tree. Now and then a red glass ball would tumble to the carpet....just a simple thing, yet truly one of the finer joys of the holiday season to absorb and enjoy!

Another such moment occurred while driving to a friend's house earlier in the same evening. On the way I saw, and I believe this was truly the first time in my life I've seen this (since I grew up in the deep South where these scenes were not part of the environment), children skating on a frozen pond with snow all around covering the surrounding landscape. It was like a Norman Rockwell painting! I reflected on this later and felt warmed by the thought of it.....these small events represent the true pleasures of the season!!

May you all find your own special moments to treasure!! Di :))

Should I say....

....'Bah Humbug' yet?!?! The story continues....



My daughter has not made it in for Christmas yet....and it seems she won't....She spent time in the emergency room tonight, and was advised not to drive. Now she will be looking into flights, but it's certain she won't be here for our 'unconventional Christmas'!

I suppose we will postphone our 'celebration'...for it seems the wise thing to do now is just to be in the moment...(not that it was ever unwise to be....ha!) Is this some kind of 'self-fulfilling prophecy'!?! Did the suggestion of the 'unconventional Christmas' begin a kind of chain reaction of sorts?!?! I wonder...

On a positive note....My son just got home from a party he and some of his friends threw earlier tonight.....and these are the times when I am happy I fought to keep my house post-divorce. He's brought home a houseful of his friends to spend the night..One of his buddies is married now, and they are here too. I was right, some things you never outgrow...they are going to crash here...and I'm feeling very content being the 'designated mom'...(though no one appears to be intoxicated)...I think they just like to relive old times together....I love it!! (And I must add...(trying not to sound vindictive) that my ex has just built a big new house for himself ,and apparently his married girlfriend and her three kids, and thought doing so would 'unite' his family with hers? Ha!! Our kids are refusing to go there at all....go figure?! So should I say that this fact makes having the kids bring their friends here even sweeter?! Ok...NOT nice, I know!! Slay me, I'm still a bit bitter!!! Okay...sometimes a bit more than...especially since the last conversation I had w/the ex ended when he tossed out a couple of nasty remarks aimed at me for being the 'available parent'...all in defense of his poor parenting skills.. I think he will spend the rest of his life 'projecting'!! Pity....I could actually interact with him in a very civil way.....I wish HE'D grow up!! Seems his kids have done a better job of that than he!! (....steps off her soapbox now....))

Did I mention 'Bah Humbug'?!?! As I recall, Christmas used to be a horrible time for my ex....so much so that the kids and I used to refer to him as 'Scrooge'....we even gave him a tee shirt/nightshirt once with 'Bah Humbug' printed on the front....For some reason...the holidays seem to bring out the worst in him...he was not fun to be around during this time...come to think of it....there are many times when being with him feels that way....hello!!?!!?!! Ok.....not to spoil 'this' Christmas with those memories....now....where was I?!

'Contemplating this 'unconventional Christmas' we are having without even trying.....wondering what's next....ha!! Oh...should I add that a friend of mine was kind enough to include me in his Friday night activities tonight, and that I had a bit too much to drink...and made a total @zz of myself?! How ungrateful do I seem now?!?! I wish I could make some excuse....the holiday stress, the ex yelling at me, everyone being sick...but I can't...I just acted stupid..that is all....the 'spirits' have a way of bringing that out in me....grrrr....(Note to self....remember that 3 is your limit!!) Sigh!!!

I think I should just say it....and end this embarrassing blog!!!

'BAH HUMBUG'!!!!!!!!!

An Unconventional Christmas...

...seems in order because plans for Christmas day are not taking the shape we'd hoped for this year.. We includes my son, the oldest child, and his girlfriend who are visiting from Austin, Texas, and my daughter who has recently relocated to Nashville, Tennessee from Orlando, Florida. She has recently broken up with her boyfriend of over a year, thus the move to start anew.

I might interject here that both my children and my son's girlfriend worked at Disney in Florida through the college internship program for over a year each. That is where my son and his girlfriend met, so his move from there to Texas was to be with her. After the move, he attended The University of Texas in Austin. Both graduated from college and have their respective jobs. She is a skilled, bilingual elementary school teacher, and he is a studio art major with three different jobs which accommodate his varied interests and talents in the arts, including one job on the University campus which keeps him in touch with professors he admires and the world of art on a collegiate level.

My daughter is still pursuing her education, and has attended three different schools. One of her many majors, because she too is multi-talented, which makes it difficult to choose one to follow, includes voice and piano. Her most recent major is nursing. Among the many roles she played at Disney, she also utilized her talent in acting. Prior to her move, she bought a guitar, which seems fitting if you sing and are moving to Nashville, and hopes to learn to play it. She met a guy while in Florida, who was not part of the 'Disney Family', but a pilot from NYC, living in Orlando. They were together over a year, and as I stated before, they have recently broken up. He's a great guy, and still a friend of our family; however, this preceded her move.

I am the mom, post-divorce, to these kids. This is my second Christmas as a divorcee'. Last year the kids and their 'significant others' joined me in Orlando, and we celebrated the holidays together at Disney, since my daughter was not coming home, because her work schedule required her to be there for Christmas day. This year I'd hoped we would have our 'traditional Christmas' together at home, once again, and we've made great efforts to pull it off. But as always with the best of intentions, things are not going according to plans.

For starters, my son and his girlfriend were up all night Saturday packing before they were to arrive the next day. They made it as far as Cincinnati on Sunday, but both fell asleep while waiting for their connecting flight. They were scheduled to arrive here at 11:45 a.m., but were resechduled for 5:30 p.mish. This meant they began their journey wasting hours sitting in the airport. The girlfriend was feeling sick by the time they arrived here, and she has gradually gotten worse each day since then, and spent hours in the emergency room last night, despite the fact that she'd begun taking antibiotics and other meds to counter this. While there her eardrum burst from infection, and she is spending most of her time in bed.

In the meantime, my daughter has had her share of concerns. She has a new job, and Monday, on day four of work, she called from her jeep to say she was dizzy and not feeling well. After our conversation, she decided to call her new boss to explain she should not go to work but to the doctor instead. She went home, feeling miserable, and gave into the illness for a couple of days before seeing the doctor yesterday. It seems the dizziness is caused by an inner ear problem, so she, too, is being treated for the same. She also has another issue that concerns her and will need some attention.

A few months ago she discovered a lump in her breast. She is young, so she'd not had a routine check with a doctor for this before. She came home for an appointment with my breast care surgeon ( yes, there is a family history of breast cancer and other related concerns on my side), and learned that she has a benign tumor called a fibroadenoma. We were told it's not something to worry about, but still requires a close check from time to time. Well, now it seems she has two new tumors on the other side, and needs to visit with the doctor again when she is home to determine if they are the same type tumor as the other one.

Before she began her job, she'd intended to come home for a couple of weeks to a month to regroup in the aftermath of the many decisions she'd coped with over the past few months. The job offer she took came as a sudden surprise, and one she felt she could not refuse, so now she has only a long weekend for Christmas. Somehow we are going to have to determine what is most significant, and deal with it accordingly. Hopefully, her employees value her enough to accommodate her needs at this time.

So...this is where we are today. I have lost tremendous amounts of sleep since last Sunday, and because I have fibromyalgia with a tendency to have migraines as a result, I am suffering with a headache today, and have taken to my bed. The tree is still in a box, as are many of the decorations. Fortunately, a good friend helped me take things out of the attic last Saturday, and we hung the garland on the rails to the stairs. I've managed to display a few of my decorations, but overall, I have done very little. The majority of gifts are all piled in a room unwrapped, and the ones that need to be mailed are in my bedroom here, on the floor in disarray. Clearly they won't arrive before Christmas Day. Heck, we'll be lucky to have anything completely ready for then. When my daughter arrives, there will be a houseful of mostly sick people, and I'm wondering how we are going to pull off the 'traditional Christmas' I'd hoped to provide.

As my son and I drove from place to place today purchasing medicaton from the pharmacy and food to comfort a sick person, we made a decision of sorts. I want to preface the decision by saying that in making it, I'm finding that accomplishing what I'd hoped seems a little less daunting, and perhaps it will happen after all, but if not, this new plan is stellar!!

My son is talented in video art and photography. He's had work shown at Christie's in NYC, and has won awards for several of his artistic pieces. So while I waited in the car, wearing my pajamas with an overcoat covering them, I had this 'light-blub' idea/moment. I decided we should forget the traditional plans, and have ourselves an 'unconventional Christmas', and utilize his skills to document it! We'll video the attempts to decorate, by filming the boxes lying around the house that contain decorations. We'll document it all...each failed attempt, the good intentions, and sigh and let it go!! We'll video the gifts piled in the spare guest bedroom, and perhaps we will just forage through them guessing which ones belong to whom, and dispense of them in this manner. We'll feast on the 'tradtional chicken soup' I prepared for those who are sick. I thought we should purchase and watch that movie about the family who decided to skip the traditional celebration, and go on a cruise instead. I think it was called 'Christmas With The Kranks' (?) with Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis. This would seem appropriate. (Despite their attempts to skip everything traditional, the Kranks found themselves at home with family celebrating exactly as they always do, but with new insight and vision.) Perhaps by accepting that it is okay to create this kind of holiday, we'll also feel free to accomplish what we can and let the rest go, and enjoy the outcome!

I know that already I feel a tremendous sense of relief by giving myself permission to go with the flow, to accept the things that are beyond my control, and embrace life as it is being presented to me today! I think this idea of an 'unconventional Christmas' may prove to be the best idea I've had in a long time!! :))

(Note to self: With your newly acquired skills in posting links and pics, create links later to the significant info in this blog!!) :))

P.S. My daughter just called and brought tears to my eyes by sharing what I consider to be the best gift of all (appropriately shared for the holidays)!!!! She's been working on the words and music to a new song, and she called to sing the completed version to me!! I LOVE these moments!! I LIVE for these moments!! May you all receive such equally wonderful gifts this season!!! :))

Merry Christmas Cyberworld Friends!!! :))

Happy Holidays to you!! :))

Tis the Season......

....to be sick!! Eeek!! Can I tell you how many friends and family members have called to say they are sick this week!?! When they're not feeling well, my kids always call to say they wish I could be there to cook up the traditional 'chicken soup'. It seems to be the thing they desire most whenever they want a lil' nurturing! (Can we join in a collective 'ah'?!) :)) Yep, it does a mommy's heart good to hear those words: 'I need you'!! :))

So for Sarah, Solange, Ken, Shawn, and anyone else who is feeling sickly today, this is the best I can do for now. Hopefully, you will each find someone to help you out until I can get into the kitchen and eventually to you! In the meantime here's hoping you Get Well Soon!!! Take care!!!

This is our personal family favorite!! It's simple, delicious, and just what we seem to need when the flu season arrives!! Enjoy!!

Codependency?!?

It seems that if you mention a 'catch word' in your blog, 'Google' picks it up and posts it for the world to login to. I realize many of my viewers have found my blog through such a list. I used the word 'codependency' in a post....so welcome all you codependents, huh?!

I suppose now is the time to address this. I am familiar with the word. ('Tapper', my 'feathered friend', is cawing as I write...maybe he's saying hello to all of you out there in blogspot!!) :)) Anyway, yes, I am a 'codependent personality'. Someone conversing with me in my IM, at the moment, asked what the word means. I like to believe that I have learned to process my life in ways that are less codependent these days, so I have difficulty revisiting it. But one of the steps in 'CoDa' is to share your experience with others who 'still suffer'. I'll do my best.

To me, codependency is extreme 'care-taking'. It's 'people-pleasing' at the utmost..putting others before yourself. For me, my personality lent itself to this, but I was conditioned by an out-of-control parent who tried to gain control over her own life by controlling others. Ha!! Sound insane? It is!!

Numerous family-of-origin issues come into play. A person feels the need to control whomever they can in the absence of control over self. I then tried my darnest to please this person, who, by the way, was never going to be pleased by me, really, because I was NOT her problem. It took years of failure in my own life, maturity, and lots of counseling for me to realize this.

It's no surprise that I married a man who took over the role of my parent. He had his issues as well, but was, still is, in extreme denial. He projected his issues onto me, and I accepted them gladly. I was conditioned to do so, this felt familiar. He appears the 'all-American-good guy-next door'. He reminded me daily that he thought that I was 'crazy'. Now I'm wondering, if he really believed this, why on earth did he choose me?! That is where 'codependency' comes into play...it takes TWO...one feeds off the other....it takes both personalities for this to manifest.

Though we may sound like idiots, most codependent people are very intelligent, so don't get me wrong. This is generally a psychologically clever way to disguise one's own problems. In my case he let me be the fall-guy in counseling and in every other area of our lives. I was the one to blame for anything that was wrong, always!! And believe me, when you bring dysfunction to a relationship, you will have problems.

We identified with one another's dysfunction. It was our bond. It was also our downfall. I sought help, he lied and pretended I was the only one who needed it. My codependent personality accepted this...I must be the 'sick' one...I am the one who needs help....I am the one 'suffering'. I did, all right...but so did he...so did my parents....my siblings...everyone around me of any significance reinforced this behavior. It was 'normal', or so it seemed. This made it so insidious.

Counseling had no meaning to me until I began attending 'CoDa' (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. I went faithfully every Monday night for five years, and eventually learned to identify my issues and how to address them in regular therapy. I learned to 'sort out' my problems and the confusion surrounding them...to see clearly. I needed to know myself apart from the conditioning and mistreatment.

Out of shear frustration and the covering up of numerous lies, my husband had become mentally, emotionally, and even physically abusive. To this day, people who 'think' they know him, find this difficult to believe...which becomes part of the dilemma. The person who is the 'weakest', on the surface, the one who tolerates the abuse inflicted by others, is seen as the problem, and this actually perpetuates the problem, as you may surmise. I must admit here, I was part of the problem. Becoming a 'victim' is not healthy, and in many ways, I allowed myself to be victimized. This was my weakness.

What were some of the original issues? Poor parenting skills and/or lack of a strong healthy parent. Absence of a parent, in his case, his dad had died when he was in college, although his dad was a traveling salesman and absent anyway. Mothers who are overwhelmed and have poor parenting skills, left to cope on her own with a houseful of kids and sometimes a job. I'm sure this does not seem uncommon, but we are talking about people with no self-esteem, no healthy discernment skills, etc. In many cases, codependents have suffered as children of alcoholics or incest or other such horrendous acts. We are talking about people who are so overwhelmed they never seem to put things in a perspective that they can deal with. It becomes a vicious cycle...like a revolving door they cannot exit. Yes, they are literally spinning their wheels...at least that is how I felt while trying to relate to my husband and various counselors until CoDa helped me identify my particular issues.

From there....I learned to seek the truth of the situation, of any other for that matter. I came out of denial myself. I saw my husband for what he was, not what I wished him to be. I began to accept that he had lied to me about many things. I understood 'projection'. I knew that despite the fact that I made every effort to be the 'perfect' wife and partner, it was not working. Something was wrong. I was a codependent, a person with definite personal issues, but I had not resorted to lying and cheating. I learned the difference between right/wrong, wise/foolish, and just plain opinion. I learned that many times my opinion was not valued and became the thing we argued most. We never addressed the true 'wrongs'. His projection of this onto me finally became the mirror I needed to see him (and myself)...and eventually, he admitted his 'defects of character'....at least the lying and cheating. That is where my marriage ended.

Could it have been saved with the truth in the open? Yes, had he decided entirely to accept his part in things. This was not to be. His lies continue to this day. He lies to his children. He is living a life that allows him to remain codependent. It was his choice really, but he left me with no choice. Even our attempts to reconcile through counseling, were insincere on his part. The counselor and I 'called his bluff', gave him the benefit of the doubt only to discover more lies. It was time for this to end.

It's unfortunate that we chose one another while we were both clearly dysfunctional. I know that in the beginning, I was vaguely aware that we 'related' in many respects, and as I said, this seemed familiar and well, therefore, 'comfortable'. I knew we needed counseling, and we sought it. I truly thought we'd grow closer and healthier in the process. My wishes to become healthier were not fulfilled in the marriage. I hope for both of us, they will be elsewhere, even if that means alone. Recovery is a solitary process anyway.

This is where I am now, a year later. Actually, my separation lasted four years. He fought in court my right to have a lifestyle 'equal' to his after 26 years of marriage. He continued his deceit. But in the end, what I had learned about the truth, helped me to be stronger than I had ever been in my entire life, and I exited the relationship feeling vindicated and as comfortable as one can expect to feel in the aftermath of such a disasterous relationship. I 'grew up' and became stronger as I stood my ground in the process.

In fact, the pic I posted of myself on this blog has significant meaning to me. After four years of separation, and four lawyers later, I'd learned how to care for myself and not to back down when others seek to take advantage of me. That pic was near the end of the proceedings, when I finally left the court house with a smile on my face instead of tears, I've labeled it 'A Good Day in Court'. I had arrived. I was my own person, and I knew I deserved better than what I had gotten prior. (Ha...in the proof-read here, I realize that I had another person write a description of me to go along with the picture when I posted it, I suppose I STILL carry some tendencies not to see myself in the most positive light. This post will likely give a 'fair' analysis of myself. Though I do not want this to be the 'end all'...for there IS more to come...more evolving of this self...and I look forward to it!) :))

I'm not talking monetary issues here, I will NEVER see 'my half' of anything...he arranged for that before we began the ordeal. We settled out of court, and that was that. I am comfortable, and this is what matters most to me. I have the house/home we created that our children can come back to, and I've kept the 'good things', the worthwhile things, in place as much as possible. I feel they deserved some continuity in all the upheaval. The irony is, people who thought they knew us, never realized we had any problems. It's like I've said many times before, you can have the 'picket fence' but that does not mean you are happy if held hostage behind it, or even if you are just hiding out there.

Gosh, I DID NOT expect to share THIS in my blog. I also want to clarify, that my marriage was not the original source of my personal codependency. It began long before. I do feel the relationship was an extension of this, however, and forced me to deal with it. I mean, an unhealthy person may attempt to choose a healthy person for a life partner, but generally a healthy person will not reciprocate. I sabotaged the few healthy relationships I was fortunate enough to have. I am grateful to this day for the positive example these people provided me. They became part of my 'recovery' from all that was negative in my life. They gave me a vision, and I gained a better sense of myself as a result of contact with healthy others who could see the good in me that I could not at the time.

Whew!! Enough said. If this is fragmented, forgive me, there is no way to explain a lifetime of codependency in one post. There are books filled with attempts to do so. I suggest you find them if you really care to understand it better. Melody Beatty is one of the finest authors and a most reliable source of information with her own true life experience of living through codependency and thriving beyond it. Her books offered great insight and encouragement as I sought to understand myself and improve my life. If any of you relate, my best wishes are with you as you seek to escape the insufferable lifestyle of codependency. I know you can do it if you are determined enough. I did, and it feels great!!! :))

(I would not say I am a 'Twelve Step Junkie' but the steps were useful in my 'recovery' from this mindset. Sooo...haha...I find myself wanting to conclude by saying: 'Keep coming back, it works if you work it (it won't if you don't')!!!! It does work!!) Good luck to those of you are willing to let go!!

Omgosh....I am aware suddenly of numerous 'key words' in this post that could show up in 'Google'....this is my conclusion on the subject. (Haha, yeah right!!!) ;-)

My Feathered Friends...

There are crows on my deck. In fact, one of them gives me a wake-up call each morning like clockwork, seven a.mish every day, by tap-tapping on the window pane that is high above my family room with a ceiling that is two stories. As mindless as it sounds, I refer to 'him' as 'Tapper'...the title seems appropriate. I've captured photos of him perched on the ledge as he gazes in to let me know he is there. (*Note to self*...find a pic of 'Tapper' to post in blog.)



I've learned a good deal about crows since they first showed up. I have a friend who owns an African Crow, and he suggested a book to use as a reference for understanding the nature of crows: _Mind of the Raven_ by Bernd Heinrich. It has provided an education of sorts. My friend also shared what he has learned about crows as well. Seems the crow is a most fascinating bird...actually very intelligent.

Crows/ravens generally travel in pairs within a group. I've learned that they lead animals, such as wolves, to their prey, so they may partake in the leftovers. Some of the tales of crows signifying/warning of 'death' sprang from this activity. The fear that crows will pluck a person's eyes out correlates with the fact that they do feed upon the soft organs of a carcass...including the eyes. To my knowledge, they do not attack a live person in the feared manner.

My crows began visiting when I placed leftover food on the deck. The tapping became a reminder to leave more food, it seems. But I've also learned that they like to make their presence known in general...they want you to know they are there, plus they like to know where you are as well. If you go out to approach them, they fly away at first, but eventually come close...gradually they allow you to get closer and closer, and begin to converse with you. My friend's bird, 'Hoppy', mimics a human voice. In fact, he sounds exactly like the person he is immitating. I wonder if my crows will try to mimic me if I talk to them? I have taken to speaking to them whenever they are near.

I've observed them circling above me whenever I am outdoors, and I swear, I believe they have followed my car when I travel short distances from the house. Maybe it's a coincidence, it appears crows are everywhere, but I became aware of them while away from home, because they were making quite a fuss, which alerted me of their presence.....I have afterall, become their food source. I suppose they are protective of this? I'm told they will leave gifts of gratitude, such as shiny tin foil or the like, after they have been cared for. It's all very fascinating.

For the past few days, they have waited to feed after they see me in the kitchen...so typically we are having breakfast together. We see one another through a window from the kitchen that looks out over the deck. I can also view them from my family room, where they land on the window sill to tap their arrival. It's intriguing, and I do feel we have developed a special relationship. They are showing themselves to my occasional visitors too. They keep us rather entertained.

Mind you, I'm no expert in this arena. I am just sharing what I've observed from my close encounters, and what I've learned about them from other's stories, along with some information I've acquired from the book mentioned. I'm curious to know if others have had similar experiences with my feathered friends?

Another Day....

...and I'm not going to even mention 'prior post'...(Oops!! I just did!!) Forget it....I've said it, it's done, it's yesterday's news!! :))

What fascinates me today, ha, cheap thrills here, is my newly installed 'Site Meter'!! Now mind you, I'm not getting many hits, but I'm nevertheless fascinated with it!! How great is that little feature?!

Dubai?! Where the heck is that? Of course, I'm challenged to get out a map now, one with more detail than the one that comes with the 'Site', to find out where this place is on the globe!! I see that a West Virginia neighbor has peeked in, and a few folks from Canada, as well. 'Makes me wanna bring out the good tea set and give a welcome, southern style!! A 'howdy' or 'hi, ya'll' would be in order!! :))

I do feel honored that anyone stopped by, accidently or not....Comments are welcome, even if you want to advise me to 'get a life'..maybe you could give suggestions!! Haha!! Or you can just say that you think I suck! (Like I need anyone to tell me that....I'm my own worst enemy!!) I'd just be interested in knowing who YOU are?!?

Now there's an idea....(*Note to self*....go ahead...do it....share some of those stories about your 'southern upbringing' and invite others to tell about their heritage...could be interesting...like an online penpals?!)

I believe I've mentioned already that in the south, we loooove to embellish stories...maybe that was in 'MySpace' profile, oh well, somewhere I stated this fact. I have been advised to learn to 'edit'...ha! After a lengthy conversation with my mom on the phone last night, I understand why someone would say this.

From that call I know, in detail, that a woman lost $200.00 after making a bank deposit, and that she lost this withdrawal in the parking lot of a department store in the mall. Lucky for this lady, my mom found the money wrapped in her deposit slip, complete with her name and address, so the money was returned to the rightful owner, given that my mom is a very honest person. My mom was rewarded with $50.00. There was yet another story passed on to my mom from this woman (who also likely enjoys embellishing her own stories...), told to her by her son from a time he too, found and returned a larger sum of money and was not given a 'thank you' even after returning it to the rightful owner....so he vowed to always be more gracious in his life.

You see how it goes in the south?! And I've spared you the lengthy details!! When you strike up a conversation with someone from the south, beware!! It becomes just what you see here...one long running 'dialogue' (pun intended)!!! Somewhere along the way, you forget what you were talking about to begin with, and you generally forget why you called in the first place. Ha...that can be remedied by a call back later to say you remembered why you called, and the process begins again.

Today I know more about this stranger hundreds of miles away, than I do about my next door neighbor. I know too, that, after much thought and deliberation, my parents have finally purchased burial plots. I know at whose feet my dad will be buried. I know why that particular uncle of mine, at whose feet my dad will be buried, was not buried with either of his wives. I now know where the wives of this uncle are buried, that he had a child who died at childbirth...and where this child is buried. The sharing of this particular topic went on and on, and had I not interrupted, I would likely know exactly where everyone in my hometown is buried. OMG....did I REALLY wanna know this?!

If you are asking yourself now if YOU really want to know this, I'm sure the answer would be the same as mine was in reference to my mom's conversation....believe it or not, those topics were just a couple of the many she covered in about an hour's time.....and I spared you the complete details.....

I will say, that even in remote small towns like my hometown in Mississippi, there are wonderful and colorful people to meet and know. I've privately journaled about some of the more prolific ones before. I love to collect and document stories of these interesting characters! Perhaps, over time, I will share some of them here with you all, my new intimate group of friends in 'blogspot'!! I'd love to hear your stories too, so feel free to leave them here or at least a link to how I can read yours.

Someday, I'll tell you about our 'claim to fame', though many would not be so proud, Civil War relative. In the south, you claim to be related to a Civil War character, even if you are not. In this case, we do bear the same last name, and there are not that many of us in the United States. So I will claim him just because....'He' would be General Nathan Bedford Forrest. But that will be another story on another day. I'll give it a rest today!!

(*Another NOTE to self*.....maybe instead of worrying so much about your grammar, you should just utilize that 'southern dialect' here and make it work in your storytelling?!? Ya think?!?! Perhaps so!! After all, Jerry Clower made a living doing that...which reminds me of another story...haha...I knew and went on double-dates with, Ray Clower, Jerry's son, when in college....ok ok...save it!!!)

Now, what was I saying when this blog began?! I'll get back to you when I remember!! Ha!!!

I'M GREEN (AGAIN...& you know..'it's not easy'...oh..soo corny!!)......

...with envy for the 'Bored Housewife' and others who so freely write what is on their mind with total abandon and humor...which to me equates to being intelligent!! Words just seem to flow for them in poetic ways that keep things light and carefree and fun!!! I WANT THAT!!!! What is my 'block'?!?!

Afraid to be myself?! Feelings of inferiority?! No sense of humor, really?! Or a sense of humor so dry, that I bore myself...even!! No need to get out the tomatoes, folks...I'm already dodging!! SIGH!!!

Why can't I laugh at myself!?!? Is my life SO HEAVY that I have lost any sense of the comedy of it all?! I'm soooo wound up....wound up sooo tightly that I cannot let it out....I'm beating myself up....for being such a 'victim' of my southern heritage....meaning...I cannot write in the 'Queen's English', and I fear being viewed as ignorant!! Fear that I have nothing to say of any consequence or value...and that I never will?!?! Sigh...Sheesh...I am SO pathetic, I had someone else write up a profile describing me to go along with the pic I recently posted...

I want out of this rut...out of this nightmare....I want this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away!!! I want to shake it all off and just have fun! Gawd, will I EVER have fun again?!

You know, I was seriously considering earlier sharing some feelings I was having about my ex and his 'new family'....(NOT really 'his family', but his GF's family....3 kids)....I wanted to ask my one or two readers if they could relate at all to my feelings of bitterness?! The woman is not someone I've met, but I from what I know she must have some kind of power over the dumb@ zz men in her life.

For starters, it would seem that she is defrauding the government, as I see it, because rather than get a divorce, she is staying married to her first husband, who is a military guy living in Germany, involved with a 20-something year old acccording to the information their oldest daughter provided to my youngest child, also a daughter. The mom, my ex's GF, is staying married to her 'ex' so that she can receive money (a pension?) from the military as alimony for the kids. Now mind you, I don't have a problem with the kids receiving the money they deserve in order to live a good life...they are the TRUE 'victims' here...they did not deserve to have their lives disrupted because their parents f%*#ked up!! Nevertheless....this woman is receiving the pension, to my knowledge, AND she has latched onto MY ex....(did so even while we were legally married and separated...which lasted about 5 years.....and ok..so they supposedly 'met thru 'match.com', which obviously promotes married but separated couples to connect through their services (did they even care that my ex was sitting in counseling with me continuing the lies...of wanting to reconcile knowing full well there was this other woman who believed she had met her match at the .com service?!)....so I can say that ok, maybe she did not just 'latch onto him'...perhaps it was 'mutual'?!) Ok, now I am lost!!!

Okay...back on track, I think?!?! Now not only does she have her ex taking care of her and the kids (via our government)...she also has MY ex preparing to move her in with him before Christmas, (they hope, I hear)...to the new house that he has built to accomodate this woman and her kids. I wanna know what made her so deserving of all this support?! I mean, come on....sex can't be THAT great....her personality can't be THAT amazing...and I know, personally, she is NOT that good looking (should I post the pic of the two of them together with another couple (his new partner and wife...one of our oldest couples friends from waaay back who moved to town and suddenly deserved to 'acquire' half of OUR companies pre-divorce...you know how those stories go...)...that came out in our local 'City Magazine' on, of all days, our wedding anniversary, lifting their glasses of champagne at an appropriately named party, 'Affair in the Square'.....nahh, that would be stooping..and well, I could be charged with some kind of slander here, hmm?!)...I mean...let's review the way she is conducting herself....I think there are glaring defects of character suggested in just the things I have described. So, how is it that these 'types' (no pun!) manage to accomplish such feats?!

She should be proud of herself....seems her newly high-school graduated daughter will be following in her footsteps in the area of lack of sensitivity...after all, SHE (the daughter) is the one who informed MY daughter that HER father (my daughter's father...just for clarity) had begun building a new home (oh...I might interject here, my ex took the monies from 'our former company', before divorce was final, to start up a new business with a new partner....building houses) for the lot (again, no pun intended) of them....Seems MY ex is about as insensitive toward his own child as this 'new child' in his life was toward our daughter....at least SHE informed my child...(something her own dad failed to do even when she asked him point blank what his living arrangements would be post-divorce (aside from the 'secret apartment' he'd had in the new GF's nearby town....which it seems he did not 'really' occupy since he had the convenience of living in her home with her family...I suppose the apartment was just a cover/front during divorce proceedings...(oh...btw...did I say 4 years...long and drawn out?) or perhaps a place where the two of them could getaway whenever they could have the new GF's (according to my ex) parents babysit for them...(yes, he said....she had parents who 'cared enough to help them out').....)) (I think?!) Confusing?! Yep...I can imagine it would be....we're slightly still confused ourselves...and we've been keeping up all along!! Sheesh.....

Ok...I digress...I don't wanna be the 'kind of woman' my ex is living with...(thus I have divorced him and all the other women he 'took care of' during OUR marriage).....and I don't want MY children to be in the place where 'those children' reside emotionally and otherwise....so I should be ecstatic that their father has taken up with his 'own kind' and is showing the world, (well, at least his 'first and (true) family') what he is really all about....now we can stand on the truth of the matter here and try to regain some composure...and be grateful that we are not the ones moving into the new house with him...right?!?!

Gosh, I am exhausted...and not even sure I got all the parenthesis' in the correct places nor the right number of them...but well....tired, I am....and this was just a brief note describing the nightmare that was my last 5 or so years of separation and divorce...And I still wonder....if I deserve to be bitter?!?! HA!!! I mean..I've kept up with and related to the other women out there 'blogging' their similiar stories....I've envied and despised them at the same time for so eloquently sharing their rightful anger and resentment...I did not want to 'relate' to them, really....I wanted to continue to pretend I did not deserve this somehow...and by accepting that I have it to deal with regardless....well...you know where I am going with this......to that place I have avoided going...

Whew!!! With this out of the way, I wonder....will this tightness in my chest go away?! Will I become free to breathe and let it go and write about the many funny and worthwhile and meaningful things that happen in my life?! After 26 years of marriage (as you may have noted if you read earlier posts...this year would have been 27)...can I just let it go?! Replace the feelings with something that helps me to like myself again....and hopefully draw others to me in the process?!

I KNOW I am not alone in this saga...I KNOW a large majority (much to my dismay) of the world has had similiar or worse experiences....ha...(and this is just the one I pondered today...)..haha.....I WANT to get over it...I WANT to let it go...I have two great kids to consider...and an extended loving and supportive family...not to mention many wonderful friends who stood beside me through it all and who have returned in the aftermath from distant places to show concern and encouragement....And, believe it or not, I don't even want to continue to harbor bitter feelings toward the ex and the 'new family'....for it is SO not worth it!!!!!

Well...I'll move the cursor.....to 'Publish Post'.....right click my mouse to make it happen....turn off the PC...walk upstairs and breathe....and release and believe that it will be okay....Heck...what have I got to lose?!? My two readers?! Chances are, they are not coming back after first read anyway...haha....I'll be okay....I'll feel cleansed....I'll feel I finally had my say...and if NO ONE reads...or understands or comments...I'll know I finally did it...I said it, somewhat 'out loud', for the whole world to see!!! And I'll feel just a little bit lighter myself!!

(*Note*....I'm not going to even proof-read this time...which is big for me....Mistakes and all are part of this process, I suppose...so 'what you see...is what you get'!!! Sorry!!!)

"Hello there world!! (Written not by me but by someone who sees these qualities in me.) Let's call him 'Naples'."

"Hmmm, what to say about me?

Well, let me say this, I am an inspired woman and not all get to see me the way I want them to.

Am I sexy? Yeah, I think I am sexy in my own way. I wish I could break out of my shell more and express that 'sexiness' more (not how you are thinking, people), but in a way that people can appreciate.

I am an affectionate person with those that I feel close to, and appreciate people for what they are.

I want to experience new things in my life and have fun with it. This shell that I have created around me is starting to crack, and I am ready to break free!!

So here I am world enjoy me while I enjoy myself"!!!

(Thanks 'Naples'!!! OMG!!! You KNOW I could never describe myself!!) :-)

Movin' Right Along...

Yep, I should make a note here...Those ARE the words to a song I've heard 'Kermit the Frog' sing (though it was NOT my intent to share this with you, ha!)......But oh how I LOVE Jim Henson....wherever he may be......(Note to self: *Maybe I should take a pic of a couple of the many 'Kermit' collectibles floating around the room here to post with this blog?!*)

Anyway...back to where I intended to begin.....which was to say.....Whew...now that I've shaken off that last blog....(cleansed myself, if you will)...I'm feeling a new beginning here...It has been on the horizon for some time now...I've just been avoiding it like a plague....But there is need for a sharper focus on what's important to MY life.....The process of elimination may continue....out with the old...in with the new...(and it's not even the new year yet...but well...it IS just around the corner...maybe I'm just feeling it a bit early...getting a jump on it...) So...I welcome something new in my life....something more exciting than where I've been...I'm ready!!!

But for now...lemme just take a few shots of my 'Kermie' items to share....I'm feeling the green!!! ;-) Haha!!! ('Hope it makes ya smile!!) :))

Anniversary?!

What follows is (again) borrowed from my latest blog entry in 'MySpace'...I'm lazy...ok....and not everything I write there, do I want here....but as I prepare to 'blog' in 'this space'....I feel the post to be relevant....it addresses the overriding feeling I have today....an awareness of the date that looms before me when I see the calendar on my computer or note the date on my e-mails...suddenly...everywhere there is 'the date'....ha....typically a calendar day does not have such an impact! But, alas, this one does...so here you have it:

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Anniversary?!

Current mood: resigned

Category: Romance and Relationships

Today is the one year anniversary of the finalization of my divorce!! Should I celebrate?!

The 18th of last month was the 'anniversary' of the day I married...would have been 27 years. This year during that week, my ex took his current GF to the same place where he and I went for our honeymoon. I mentioned to him the 'irreverence' in that, and he chastised me by reminding me that the date no longer is an 'anniversary'...that there IS no marriage...hmmmm....also 'irreverent'?!?

Is something clear here?! Maybe I should be grateful that SHE was the one there with him this time?!? Perhaps I DO have something to celebrate after all?!

Happy Anniversary to me!!! :))

9:40 AM -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, that behind me, on to new topics for the day!!

Last night a good friend of mine, former neighbor across the street whose daughter has been my daughter's friend since they were about 4 years old, and who also worked for my ex at one time...and who has remained my close friend for over 20 years now....gave me a book that she had purchased for me some time back and intended to give to me while I was going through the 'nasty divorce'. She'd forgotten she had it...forgotten to give it to me, but when she discovered it among her things, decided I should still have it.

Now I am not one to pick up a book and read it cover to cover...no, it usually goes something like this: I note the title....maybe see who wrote the book (you know...check out the the bio in the cover and look for a pic, perhaps...)...read the first paragraph...though I do not typically read the last one...(I DO NOT wanna know the ending before I even begin reading...)....and then I may read the comments on the cover....if it still looks interesting to me, I'll flip through the book and read some pages at random. Now...if I STILL find the book intriguing, I'll read it....though that still may not mean I'll read it cover to cover....I'll read it for as long as it holds my attention. I must say, I've read few books cover to cover. Hmmm...which ones HAVE I read to the end?! I'll comment on that later...anyway...

The title of this book accounts for why my friend purchased the book with me in mind. I think it's ironic that she presented the book to me just last night...on the eve of my 'divorce anniversary'. She did not know this, of course. Anyway....as I've already noted, she bought it because of the title, which is...I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just Not You (by Roger R. Pearman & Sarah C. Albritton).

Now she is no longer a 'fan' of my ex...not because of her loyality to me, but because she also came to see him as the, let's just say, 'person' he truly is. Well, this 'person' often told me that he felt I was 'crazy'. HA!!! Is there ANY ex, who projects his 'guilt' onto another, that has not driven his spouse crazy?!?! I think it's the hallmark of a failed relationship....to find a way to make the other feel crazy, act crazy, and become the person to 'blame' for how they feel...for making the other somehow 'responsible' for everything that went wrong in the relationship. And yep, just like a good lil codependent, I bought into it; after all, I DID feel crazy!!! HA!!

Okay..so fast forward...Was I crazy?!?!?...Most likely...but mostly for being codependent with a person who would treat the 'significant other' in his marriage the way he treated me....crazy for allowing this to take place in my life. Crazy for the poor choices I made where he is concerned. Crazy for a number of things...but NOT crazy in the way he wanted me to feel...and not so crazy that I would continue to live with and put up with someone treating me this way. Oh I digress....let me get back on track..haha...if there IS a track to be on with this rambling....

I picked up the book today. I did the usual that I described before...in my assessment of whether or not the book was worth reading cover to cover, if at all....and when I turned to the middle of the book for a skimming of the pages....the first paragraph I read seemed worth noting here in my blog. And whether I read the entire book or not, (it does seem kind of 'clinical') is yet to be determined....so I end this blog by sharing the paragraph which may be very apropros in light of where I am at this moment in my life.

" The Teacher Within Lessons We Cannot Ignore"

"Teachers attempt to show us how to pay attention to information, to direct our focus on priorities. They also may reveal our ignorance. Some of our earliest experiences are with school teachers and with our parents, teachers of another kind. But as we grow older and become more judicious about how we spend our time, we make our own decisions about what is worth knowing. We become more aware of the inner voices of experience that guide us. And as we grow in maturity and understanding, we realize that the greatest teacher is the one within."

I'm NOT thinking of my ex when I read this paragraph...no, I have learned, to a degree, to be in the moment where I am today. And when I think of the people closest to me....I know that this is what he is seeking, ultimately, and I am reminded that I should be taking note...

SIGH!!!!! (Yes, that's a BIG SIGH!!!)

Yada yada, boring boring!!! Maybe I should place the posts I have in draft here....ha!! Someday, perhaps!

It's Time...

It is REALLY time to get out of my head and away from self-reflection to think and write about the world beyond myself. My mere existence is often so routine and somewhat boring, and I withdraw further into myself when I fail to make more of it.

Lately I've been blessed to have friends re-enter my life, post-divorce, and I'm discovering the world anew through contact and interaction and venturing out again with them!! There is much to think about these days besides my small and insignificant woes. Life is good and full and I need not continue the 'pity-party' that has gone on in the recent past. I want to fully engage in the moments that are presented to me through these friendships. I want to treasure and value each one. I want to remember that people mean more than anything else!! In this respect, I am blessed with abundance!! I have people in my life who care. I have myself...with few complaints, really!!

I recently played my very first game ever of chess with a friend over a 'Tall Caramel Macchiato' with a 'Cranberry Bliss Stack' (ha!) in 'Starbucks' after some Christmas shopping in 'Barnes and Noble'. I FINALLY did it...attempted to meet the challenge of that intimidating game of strategy. I did not win, of course; I was, afterall, playing with someone who is 'seasoned'...but I did learn something from him along the way, and I feel I held my own, ha!! (If one can 'hold their own' guided by another..haha!!) And so...now...I think I will pull out one of the many 'decorative' chess sets that adorn various places in my house...and actually play a game now and then!! I'm bad now!! haha!!

I got a phone call today from a long, lost friend...you know, the kind who is always in your heart and soul no matter how much time and distance separates you?! She called to ask if she could call again soon when there is time..she wants to catch up. It's gonna happen, and that is nice...something to look forward to.

My kids, a son and daughter, will be here soon for the holidays. Christmas will be warm with them here. My house will feel like a home again!! I hope to have my daughter teach me to use HTML, ha! Soon my blog may have a new and improved look. That would be spectacular!

The service people who clear driveways of snow could not get their truck up mine on Friday to remove the most recent snowfall and ice. They left salt on it, they say, but nothing happened. I look out and all the neighbors driveways are clear..they are coming and going...so I have the guys trying again to help me out. I am going a bit stir-crazy after too many days inside. I hear them outside now...sounds like they are physically shoveling the ice themselves...must still be too slick for the truck to get up my steep driveway. I am grateful, and I hope they are successful! I have places to go, things to do.

Another friend invited me out tonight....maybe dinner and later a movie? I welcome the break from being shut-in!!

There is always the endless task of decorating. I'm working still on putting away the last of Halloween/Thanksgiving..ugh!!! Yep, folks, I am the one who cannot seem to get it together that weekend after Thanksgiving to be decorated for the next holiday by the first week of December....nope, that would be my 'Martha Stewart' wannabe neighbors!! ALL OF THEM, it seems!!! Sheesh!! I cannot complain that I have nothing to do while snowed in this house!!

My attempts to declutter and reorganize the house, post-divorce, have paid off. I have a ways to go, but I can honestly say, I am comfortable here now. It's comfy and inviting, and that gives a feeling of satisfaction. I'm more secure here than ever before in so many ways, and that is a good feeling.

I could go on and on. Isn't this great?!?! It's about time!!!

What a Pain

I internalize everything.
I feel it as pain.
If someone projects onto me,
I generally take it on and feel it in my body.
Today I feel this excruciating pain in my lower back.
It hurts.
My mind races back over recent events of people, places,
conversations, and I wonder where the pain is coming from.
But most of all, I wonder how I will ever make it stop.

What's a Holiday?!

It struck me as funny today when I noticed the little icon flashing that I am online! Ha!!

Yep, I'm here in a daze...wondering where to begin my post, my day, my life?!? I look over at a stack of neglected bills to pay..nahh....then there are all these decorations scattered around the house....remnants of Halloween, for God's sake, or Thanksgiving, depending on how the Jack-o-lanterns are turned! Sort of like I feel sometimes....I just don't wanna turn and face the day....I can't believe it's another day, and I have no clue where I am going.

One year, a few years back, I finally got my Christmas tree (oops...in our town this year we're asked to refer to it as a 'Holiday Tree') up and partially decorated, only to leave it there for about the next 3 years of my newly 'separated-from-hubby' life. It worked for me. The holidays did not seem so traditional anymore anyway...so why not break tradition altogether?

It was great as a 'Christmas-in-July' tree, very patriotic, and besides, my birthday is in July also, so I had two events covered. Sometimes, late at night, when I was rattling around this big empty house, I would turn the lights on the tree, and there would be this instant warmth, and I could sit and bask in it for awhile and remember when.

I wish I could say it was the hubby I missed, ok, now and then I do, but mostly, I missed the noise, the laughter, the arguments created by family and tradition. That's what holidays are all about anyway, aren't they?! Well, that and too much food! Strange that, just a little bit of food today is too much!

Holidays are meant to be shared. Homes are meant to be shared. What of memories?! Are they not for sharing also, or are we left to warm ourselves with them alone? I wonder....I wonder about this and many other things....I wonder if I should drag that tree out again, now that I've finally put it away? I wonder if I will put away the faceless Jack-o-lanterns whose candles burned out long ago?!

(Borrowed from my own....'myspace' blog for today!!) :))

Ok..it's time to shake things up a bit here...time for a new attitude....isn't that a song title? Anyway...I'm tired of the doom and gloom feeling I've had for too many years now...tis the season anyway...and all that stuff...so in the spirit...

I began today by working out some computer kinks I developed last night....visited with my local Dell distributor to help me 'iron them out'! I even learned a thing or two along the way!! :))

Then I worked on a special Christmas surprise for the kids!! ;-) I'm excited about it...and well, excited just to have completed some Christmas shopping at all!!!