Anniversary?!

What follows is (again) borrowed from my latest blog entry in 'MySpace'...I'm lazy...ok....and not everything I write there, do I want here....but as I prepare to 'blog' in 'this space'....I feel the post to be relevant....it addresses the overriding feeling I have today....an awareness of the date that looms before me when I see the calendar on my computer or note the date on my e-mails...suddenly...everywhere there is 'the date'....ha....typically a calendar day does not have such an impact! But, alas, this one does...so here you have it:

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Anniversary?!

Current mood: resigned

Category: Romance and Relationships

Today is the one year anniversary of the finalization of my divorce!! Should I celebrate?!

The 18th of last month was the 'anniversary' of the day I married...would have been 27 years. This year during that week, my ex took his current GF to the same place where he and I went for our honeymoon. I mentioned to him the 'irreverence' in that, and he chastised me by reminding me that the date no longer is an 'anniversary'...that there IS no marriage...hmmmm....also 'irreverent'?!?

Is something clear here?! Maybe I should be grateful that SHE was the one there with him this time?!? Perhaps I DO have something to celebrate after all?!

Happy Anniversary to me!!! :))

9:40 AM -
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So, that behind me, on to new topics for the day!!

Last night a good friend of mine, former neighbor across the street whose daughter has been my daughter's friend since they were about 4 years old, and who also worked for my ex at one time...and who has remained my close friend for over 20 years now....gave me a book that she had purchased for me some time back and intended to give to me while I was going through the 'nasty divorce'. She'd forgotten she had it...forgotten to give it to me, but when she discovered it among her things, decided I should still have it.

Now I am not one to pick up a book and read it cover to cover...no, it usually goes something like this: I note the title....maybe see who wrote the book (you know...check out the the bio in the cover and look for a pic, perhaps...)...read the first paragraph...though I do not typically read the last one...(I DO NOT wanna know the ending before I even begin reading...)....and then I may read the comments on the cover....if it still looks interesting to me, I'll flip through the book and read some pages at random. Now...if I STILL find the book intriguing, I'll read it....though that still may not mean I'll read it cover to cover....I'll read it for as long as it holds my attention. I must say, I've read few books cover to cover. Hmmm...which ones HAVE I read to the end?! I'll comment on that later...anyway...

The title of this book accounts for why my friend purchased the book with me in mind. I think it's ironic that she presented the book to me just last night...on the eve of my 'divorce anniversary'. She did not know this, of course. Anyway....as I've already noted, she bought it because of the title, which is...I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just Not You (by Roger R. Pearman & Sarah C. Albritton).

Now she is no longer a 'fan' of my ex...not because of her loyality to me, but because she also came to see him as the, let's just say, 'person' he truly is. Well, this 'person' often told me that he felt I was 'crazy'. HA!!! Is there ANY ex, who projects his 'guilt' onto another, that has not driven his spouse crazy?!?! I think it's the hallmark of a failed relationship....to find a way to make the other feel crazy, act crazy, and become the person to 'blame' for how they feel...for making the other somehow 'responsible' for everything that went wrong in the relationship. And yep, just like a good lil codependent, I bought into it; after all, I DID feel crazy!!! HA!!

Okay..so fast forward...Was I crazy?!?!?...Most likely...but mostly for being codependent with a person who would treat the 'significant other' in his marriage the way he treated me....crazy for allowing this to take place in my life. Crazy for the poor choices I made where he is concerned. Crazy for a number of things...but NOT crazy in the way he wanted me to feel...and not so crazy that I would continue to live with and put up with someone treating me this way. Oh I digress....let me get back on track..haha...if there IS a track to be on with this rambling....

I picked up the book today. I did the usual that I described before...in my assessment of whether or not the book was worth reading cover to cover, if at all....and when I turned to the middle of the book for a skimming of the pages....the first paragraph I read seemed worth noting here in my blog. And whether I read the entire book or not, (it does seem kind of 'clinical') is yet to be determined....so I end this blog by sharing the paragraph which may be very apropros in light of where I am at this moment in my life.

" The Teacher Within Lessons We Cannot Ignore"

"Teachers attempt to show us how to pay attention to information, to direct our focus on priorities. They also may reveal our ignorance. Some of our earliest experiences are with school teachers and with our parents, teachers of another kind. But as we grow older and become more judicious about how we spend our time, we make our own decisions about what is worth knowing. We become more aware of the inner voices of experience that guide us. And as we grow in maturity and understanding, we realize that the greatest teacher is the one within."

I'm NOT thinking of my ex when I read this paragraph...no, I have learned, to a degree, to be in the moment where I am today. And when I think of the people closest to me....I know that this is what he is seeking, ultimately, and I am reminded that I should be taking note...