Father's Day

I've just returned from a visit with my daughter in Nashville where great music abounds! One of the perks of her job provided tickets to a CMA concert featuring Miranda Lambert, Taylor Swift, John Rich, Cowboy Troy, Two Foot Fred, Sugarland, and Kenny Chesney. What a line-up, huh?!

I was most impressed with Taylor Swift, moreso than I expected to be. Her demeanor represented everything most parents would hope for in their children. She is beautiful, aware yet not conceited, talented, grateful, and doing what she seems to love most. She writes and sings about the kinds of things 'kids' should be concerned with...age-appropriate situations. Not that musicians 'should be' role models, but often they are, so I would say that she is exceptional in that respect. I found her to be refreshing in this age of 'moving too fast and going nowhere'.

My daughter placed some of Taylor's songs on my iPod and having seen Miss Taylor in concert made me appreciate her more. As I listened to the music on my drive back home, I felt this song was a great one for 'Father's Day'. When looking for it on YouTube, I found there was some controversy over for whom she'd written the song--her father or her mother?! I guess in the end it really doesn't matter...I think we can all relate. I am pleased that MY daughter left this particular song on MY iPod for ME!! :)) I offer it as a tribute to every dad on Father's Day but also to everyone who is a parent. May we all have children who are proud of us and grateful to have us as parents!

I hope everyone had a great Father's Day!!

'He's Just Not That Into You'....

...or maybe he IS!!!

I often find myself doing a lot of thinking, reflecting, processing while sitting in a very hot tub of water...or while indulging in a bubble bath o o O O O O!!! Recently a memory, triggered by a visit from my son, which generally connects me to my ex temporarily, motivated me to begin a list of my own (based on the book by the same title) of ways you can know if 'he's just not that into you' .

The memory I recorded was this: 'He's just not that into you if while you're giving birth to his baby, he's flirting with the attending nurse.' That thought spawned an entire list of my own that is still growing.

My daughter and I discussed this later (she's cool when sharing about the difficulty I have with being forced to be in touch with her father again), so she got a kick out of this and added to the list as well....we even considered beginning a blog with this list for everyone else to add to...hmmm...just a thought. Anyway, I'm now finding myself paying closer attention to how women are being treated publicly/openly by their boyfriends, significant others, and husbands, and this has provided more fodder for the list.

I was in a donut shop last week for my occasional bear claw and cuppa joe, when this darling white-haired couple (who looked to be in their 80s) came in for coffee. When the owner/clerk presented their coffee in styrofoam cups, the man complained and asked for a 'real cup' for his coffee. The owner explained that he was struggling, as are so many others these days, due to the economical crisis and that he'd had to let his dishwasher go and found it easier to use throw away cups instead of trying to keep up with washing the dirty dishes...to which the older gentleman replied, "It's too bad you're not lucky like me. I have two dishwashers. One at home and this one (pointing to his wife)."

I just rolled my eyes, teased the husband about not doing his own dishes or seeing himself as a dishwasher, and then went immediately to my car to write that one down for the list. Yep, I think he's 'just not that into you' if he refers to you as his dishwasher. Now that I am mindful of it, it's amazing the condescension that abounds for all to hear. I'm sure such remarks have much to do with the undermining of our good sense of self.

Anyway, after days of this kind of reflection -- and a few long lists later -- I got the idea that perhaps I should take a more positive approach and begin a list of how 'you know when he IS into you'. I haven't begun the list yet, but sometimes just putting a thought out into the universe will manifest the very thing you desire.

For example, in a social setting I attended over the weekend, primarily made up of baby boomers, I met an awesome younger couple with an eight week old baby (well, she was younger...he was between her age and mine...yep, you guessed it, second marriage for him/first for her...still it gives one hope). He was delightful to speak with -- very taken with his wife and new mommy and expressive about it. He was also encouraging and supportive toward me as a single person, as well. That was refreshing and affirmed my need to compile a more positive list and to look for those qualities in a person instead of always complaining about the negative or expecting the worst.

This afternoon I found this list and literally wiped away a tear or two as I read it. While in conversation with the aforementioned guy, we concluded that everyone has at least a few personal issues and that success in a relationship comes with finding another who accepts this reality and tolerates your issues with relative ease.

I like this new list the universe provided, and I'm proud of myself for getting out into the real world again. There are tidbits of wisdom to be found in donut shops and social functions (not to mention online) alike if we just become attuned! :))

Separation

My son left just a couple of days ago after a brief visit 'home'. I'm finding it difficult to put away the last remnants of our time spent together -- leftover food, a few dishes out of place, an unmade bed, towels strewn around the bathroom, and various items he moved from their original place to a different location. The latter is in line with my thought process as I reluctantly replace things. When a family moves away from home does that begin a chain reaction of sorts? Stay with me...

I was feeling rather sad that our visits are so brief. Both of my children live states apart from us and one another. My ex brought us all here when they were both babies, both still in diapers. I left behind family and life long friends. Nearly thirty years later I can tell you that had I known what I know today, I would have stayed at home.

There are natural separations and those you choose. We naturally leave our mother's womb without straying too far away in the formative years. We separate and go to school (I question how natural that is), and we make our own friends in the big world. Eventually we form a group of friends and often spend as much time with them as with our family. Perhaps we date and marry and the cycle begins again.

Many of us stay very close to our family of origin. Some of us do not. Today I wonder what the statistics are for divorce in families who decide to move away from home?! Are we trading opportunities for work, to see more of the world, to become very independent and distant for the closeness of family and friends? Have we 'really' gained anything by doing so?! Is the trade-off worth it? I'm beginning to think not.

My husband didn't seem to have a problem leaving everyone from his childhood behind, after all, his father did the same thing. His dad then traveled and was an absentee father as a result. Perhaps it seemed 'natural' for him to do this. I, on the other hand, had a father and mother who did not move far from their families. We visited with family nearly every week. Moving away was major to me, but I thought I would be establishing my own 'family' and that I would be fine.

Today as I sit here alone I wonder...was the move an indication of things to come?! My kids followed in the footsetps of their father -- as I mentioned, they've moved states away from us and one another. We don't seem close anymore. Visits are brief and often leave me wanting more...more closeness, more family time, more of what is most important in life. Today I have no husband and no kids within miles. Many of my friends have moved on, too, so I often feel literally alone. I am separated from my original family and friends in so many ways besides distance. I gave up life experience with them and that makes it difficult to go back even though I have very little to hold me here now. I don't feel I can follow my children.

Independence is not all it's cracked up to be. Separation is just that -- separation. I'd much rather have my children living nearby than to take a cruise or see Paris or London. Nothing I can see or visit in this world could ever provide a greater feeling of peace and contentment than having my family near. Who knew...

Food for Thought!!

CNN ran a story about the benefits of maintaining a level of balanced spending. The anchors, two females and one male, tossed around the phrases 'buyer's remorse' and the new term 'saver's remorse'. The psychologist explained that the need to constantly save/saver's remorse was more damaging than buying too much (within reason)/buyer's remorse.




The topic of overspending was one I had often heard during my marriage, separation, and divorce. I was elated to hear the psychologist explain that an overspender is "seeking to gain some control over their life -- to take back some power". It seems ironic to say that acting out of control creates a feeling of control, actually of being 'in control'. This speaks to the heart of the problem I had with my ex. His need to have power over me and to control me with money explains why I 'acted out' in an effort to feel deserving, to feel valued and in control of my spending, and capable of managing my own life -- in other words, to feel some power over my own person. It was indeed an effort to regain control of my own life and decisions/choices when I felt that right had been robbed from me.

Equally, those who have witnessed my separation and divorce tell me he seems more in control of my life now than ever. He has taken advantage of me by withholding my fair share in the settlement. He hid his net worth (don't they all?) forcing me to settle out of court. I was already pinching pennies before the recession began. Finally, he has the control he sought now that he dictates my budget.

I explained to him many times that my behavior was NOT about the money, rather I desired independence -- to be trusted with the money and treated as an equal. He felt he could hold himself accountable with money, so I wanted to be held accountable in the same manner. He could never accept that my behavior was a knee-jerk reaction'to his need to control everything and everyone in his life based on his own insecurities and dysfunction. No, he had to play them out in MY life. This is how he has dealt with most things in life -- blaming someone else for why he feels so rotten, forcing their hand, controlling them, thus allowing himself to remain in denial.

It is amazing how liberating this brief news segment was for me! Hearing it helped me understand why it worked for him to become an adulterer. He set me up as a person to blame for his feelings/actions so he could justify being greedy and controlling in every other area of his life. Being married and miserable allowed him to keep even his mistresses under control. The fact is, he is really noncommittal, weak, and self-absorbed, and now he has ME to blame, ha! Makes perfect (illogical) sense when seen in this context.

The female anchor shared that she felt buyer's remorse mostly over shoes she'd purchased, the other female over a leopard print dress she'd never worn, while the male anchor woke up in the middle of the night sweating over a tractor/lawn mower he'd bought (funny, men always buy the 'big toys'). Their solution was telling -- the woman with the shoe issue said she'd take the other woman's dress, and the man said he'd shred it with his lawn mower. Hmmm...just another example of which gender has the most sane idea. I can remember my ex threatening to throw out all my 'stuff'. He sometimes was careless with his own things and would leave things in places where they were destroyed or rendered useless explaining that he would just buy replacements. I wonder, who was most frugal in this marriage?!

Sometimes stepping back and viewing a situation from another perspective is helpful. The implications may have been there all along, but somehow I just didn't see them as clearly before.

Now I believe I need to go out and feed my desire to spend...this time without guilt!!

Dealing with fears...

I've only voted once in a major election and that was in the year I turned 21. Back then I was very naive and optimistic. I won't elaborate about this statement, though I am tempted to say more. I will share that I voted for two winners that year -- a Republican president and a Democratic governor...both failures in my mind in hindsight (I came to know the latter personally a few years after his election). I've never voted again. I've learned that a politician is a politician is a politician. Weeks into our new presidency, I'm still convinced this is true.

I suppose the decision to stop voting made me feel immune to criticism for helping to elect someone who does not fulfill their promises. I rarely talk about politics, I bury my head, and I just ignore as much as I can. This does not mean I don't pay attention, nor that I'm unconcerned with what's happening. I care deeply. I admit to a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to politics and sharing a dialogue about it. I'm embarrassed that I don't know enough to sound as intelligent as those around me who freely speak their minds on these matters. Actually, I'm envious of those people. I wish I knew enough to join in and share my thoughts without feeling so exposed.

I'm thinking about the matter now because the one candidate I would have voted for this past election is making news today -- Republican Congressman Ron Paul. When the candidates were on the campaign trail, this man appeared to have a solid constitution and displayed wisdom based on experience. He maintained a quiet demeanor while carefully choosing words of knowledge to share about what was going on in the world at large (and in the political realm). I felt that if he were elected we would have a seasoned leader on our side.

One of my primary concerns throughout the campaign was in regard to how to end the war. Ron Paul's ideas and input seemed realistic. I felt he knew what was going on overseas, as well as at home, and why, and that given the opportunity he would know how to meticulously lead us to a better place. He talked a good talk whenever he was 'allowed' enough time to do so.

As with most elections, the 'best' man (imho) didn't make it very far in the campaign...most never do. They aren't flashy enough, not sexy enough, not 'savvy' enough (or perhaps I should say shrewd/crafty/manipulative enough) to make it to the polls on election day. What a pity. I'm embarrassed that we elect (and continue to listen to) 'men' like Bill Clinton among others who become and remain high profile.

Perhaps I'm coming full circle today. I'm at least pondering what I could have done to help elect a better man, or at least to help carry someone worthwhile to the polls for consideration. I'm frightened, like so many Americans, of where this President is taking us and where it all will end.

Ron Paul posed a good question this morning when he asked why more money would be given to folks who've already proven they do not know how to handle money responsibly. He respectfully and rightly pointed to the failure of the administration to take 'time' to carefully analyze these issues before making a decision about what to do. This is where experience would benefit us as a nation. If one is not equipped to make these decisions (and yet takes the lead making them despite the protests from the Congress and others), he should at least take the appropriate time to assess the situation before responding with a knee-jerk reaction just to placate those who are sitting on the edge of their seats cheering him on with the false belief that he is somehow going to save us all. Don't get me wrong, I think our President is an intelligent/articulate man (which does not necessarily qualify him for anything), but I've always felt his lack of experience would be his/our downfall.

The time may have been right for unity on some level...of race and party...and I'm proud of us for hoping to bring this about. But I feel it could have been accomplished in other ways, so maybe this was NOT the time to be concerned about that kind of unity. I will admit to getting caught up myself in the frenzy and that line of thinking. Change -- the fulfillment of dreams in a lifetime. Perhaps it was just that...a dream that may not have found its proper time?!

No need for words...

My favorite 'new' find!!!

Oscar Night!!

Tonight is Oscar night, and sadly I've not been an avid moviegoer of late --which means I've not seen many of the nominated movies. Recently I saw 'The Reader', however, and remembered why some stories are best represented on the big screen and why I enjoyed going to the theatre so much in the past. After watching some of the reviews of the movies up for awards, I decided to attend another Oscar nominated film (before the presentations) with a friend. Since he'd not seen 'The Reader', I conceded and we saw it again instead of a different movie.

Prior to making our decision, as we were driving to the theatre still trying to choose between 'Slumdog' and 'The Reader', my daughter called, so we invited her input on the movie selection. Because singing is such a major part of her life, at the mention of 'Slumdog' she belted out a song from one of our favorite Bollywood musicals (it's a very long story, maybe for another post)...ha...and as she sang to us over the speaker on the phone, as is typical with her, she came up with an idea for a new video post...mind you, she sometimes has a very twisted sense of humor...which I totally appreciate. We put our creative minds together and decided that she should do a medley of movie soundtracks as a tribute to the upcoming Academy Awards and that she should include this Bollywood song she'd just shared during our drive to the theatre. By the time I was home again, the outcome was posted.

So in recognition of Oscar Night...roll out the RED CARPET...I give you Sarah Jade's tribute to Hollywood AND Bollywood!! It's kind of Bollywood meets Nashvegas!!! Ha!!! Enjoy! :))