'Orange and Maroon Effect Day' on Friday...

Healing (Or...I Still Believe in Miracles!)

When I was pregnant with my first child (son), my mother discovered she had a brain tumor. It was a meningioma--a slow-growing, Ping- Pong ball sized tumor which she'd probably had all of her life--on the surface of her brain in the area of her forehead. The 'good news' was the tumor was benign.

At that particular time in my life I was under the impression that whenever one discovered a health issue it could be 'fixed', and then you were 'good as new'--the same as you were before. I believed in miracles, and I felt medicine could provide them sometimes. I still believe this, but with more clarity than I had in those days.

From her experience I learned a valuable life lesson: the healing process is slow and while you may be fortunate enough to survive, you are never the same.

Changes ('No matter where you go, there you are')

I received a comment to a recent post from a person who chose to remain anonymous. She offered a positive suggestion and kind understanding which I appreciate. By venting my feelings, I'm sure I often appear negative, clueless, and hopeless. On that particular day I just wanted to state some feelings and remove them from myself. I once heard that one way of accomplishing this is to literally write your concern on a piece of paper, put it in a box (the 'God Box'), cover it and then place it on a high shelf in the farthest corner of a closet--the idea being you turn it over to a 'power greater than yourself' and then try to forget about it or at least let it go. Sometimes it works--other times it helps to just acknowledge how you feel and move on. This was my desire when I vented that day.

As I pondered the words left in the comment, I was reminded of a coffee mug I used to carry with me from time to time. On the mug were the words: 'No matter where you go, there you are.' I can apply this in two separate ways in regard to one suggestion left for me (to possibly move to another location/post divorce--which I HAVE considered). It is wise to try to turn the negative feelings into positive ones--to do something constructive in life. That is not lost on me--I know I can move on and 'create' a 'new life' for myself and 'there I'll be', hopefully, not wallowing in my past. But sometimes, too, 'no matter where you go', the feelings go with you. Eventually, I know I will move on, literally or figuratively. I look forward to that day.

In the meantime, this 'dialogue' motivated me to think about the things in life that I tend to take for granted--the more positive things/tactics that do keep me going and bring me a level of pleasure.

One I've applied was influenced by a good friend of mine. She collects antiques of all kinds including a collection of antiques dishes, especially cups and saucers. They are not for show, she actually uses them. She's taught me to take out the items we keep in the cupboard and enjoy them. Sharing them with others doubles the pleasure.

I invited her to share Easter with me along with another friend, and for the first time, maybe ever, I took out the fine china to use for our brunch. I've used it several times since as I've treated myself to a cup of coffee and dessert. The dishes are rather delicate and prettier than I thought (I'd never really liked them that much--there were no patterns available that I particularly cared for back in the day when I was choosing, so I let my then fiance' choose). While using the dishes, I became mindful of the pleasure provided by a simple cup of flavored coffee delivered in pretty china. Small things can make you feel special if you take the time to notice.

One thing can lead to another also. There were new patterns of china that became available soon after mine were purchased. The thought occurred to me that I could eventually purchase the ones I liked, but I never did. Recently, I searched online and discovered they are still available, and I've decided to mix things up a bit and add a few pieces to my cupboard. My kids were even excited by the prospect---they now know what to give me for Mother's Day, my birthday, Christmas, etc. Won't that be fun?!?!

Change does not have to be negative and unwelcomed. While many times a change is challenging, even the challenge can motivate us to find ways to 'wake up and smell the coffee'.

Oh...

...I DID celebrate Easter with a couple of friends....we created our own 'family' of sorts...complete with the 'traditional' ...



....I wish you could have joined us!!!



I hope you and yours had a wonderful day as well!!!

There IS beauty outside my front door...

The cold weather that has descended upon us, robbing us of the previous flowering spring...

...feels symbolic of my life at this moment.

I've kept a journal most of my adult life. Much of the content reflected my search for answers to the daunting issues in life which I felt ill-equipped to tackle. My favorite journals were written to my children as I carried them in my body and afterwards through many of the glorious and not so glorious moments of their lives. I sought to chronicle their existence and leave reminders of the moments that otherwise could have become lost. I had hoped to share a shread of wisdom, but many times I found that I only grew in wisdom because of their presence in my life. It was great to impart that knowledge to them in the written word.

When I began this blog, I was at a major crossroad in my life--one I truly was not prepared to reach. I was divorced after twenty-six years of marriage. I'd spent half my life as a wife and mother. My nest was empty and so was my bed. The picture was definitely not as I'd expected it to be. Dealing with my children moving on was expected, certainly, but nonetheless challenging. Having to deal with it alone was even more trying. Toss in the mix, the loss of my best friend to a car accident a couple of months after my youngest child graduated from high school which was the same month her dad decided to move out. Oh, and should I also mention that our seventeen year old cocker spaniel had to be put down just hours before my daughter graduated?!? 2000 was not a very good year!!!

We've all survived--we've each made transitions at our individual paces. As with most of my journals, I felt this one could be cathartic. I'd hoped it would eventually reflect the courage I'd wished to find for dealing with the situation into which I was tossed --I'd hoped to feel stronger at some point.

The truth is that most days I feel as if a weight sits heavily upon the enter of my being. I wake up struggling to remove it--first mentally then physically. It's debilitating. I don't wish to have it there. Many days my only thought is that I want my family back. I don't mean the kids back at home, but I do mean that I wish we were more than a 'disjointed' family. I wish there was not another family looming in the background enjoying the fruits of our labor together as a family. It IS unfair. It is mentally and physically exhausting to deal with. And it never seems to go away. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is trying to ignore--pretending it is just part of the decor. In truth, it was not a purchase we made collectively--it's more like something 'inherited' that leaves you wishing you were part of another family with better taste. It's not something you value--not yet anyway.

We take small steps forward and then many more back. There are fleeting moments of freedom from the burden of this heaviness, but all too often something occurs to weigh us down again. It's a constant struggle to remember who you were before divorce. Even redefining yourself is monumental. I'd hoped to be coasting through life at this stage equipped with experiences that would make for great memories--the kind that keep you warm at night.

Instead, I'm experiencing the heaviness in my heart which creates a cloud that covers my thoughts and I'm frozen in place. I move about through my days like a zombie--half awake, half asleep. I function--I get things done--but I feel numb--burdens do that to you.

I don't feel so religious anymore, but I do know this--divorce is a sin. I feel it's the worst sin imaginable. Death is final, but this goes on and on. Daily there is a new challenge to my being--I exist, but I'm not living. And I'm frozen--blocked--I wish for more to write about--I wish for new thoughts--a new life.

All Fools' Day!!!

April Fools' Day: This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Mark Twain, in Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar, 1894