The cold weather that has descended upon us, robbing us of the previous flowering spring...
...feels symbolic of my life at this moment.
I've kept a journal most of my adult life. Much of the content reflected my search for answers to the daunting issues in life which I felt ill-equipped to tackle. My favorite journals were written to my children as I carried them in my body and afterwards through many of the glorious and not so glorious moments of their lives. I sought to chronicle their existence and leave reminders of the moments that otherwise could have become lost. I had hoped to share a shread of wisdom, but many times I found that I only grew in wisdom because of their presence in my life. It was great to impart that knowledge to them in the written word.
When I began this blog, I was at a major crossroad in my life--one I truly was not prepared to reach. I was divorced after twenty-six years of marriage. I'd spent half my life as a wife and mother. My nest was empty and so was my bed. The picture was definitely not as I'd expected it to be. Dealing with my children moving on was expected, certainly, but nonetheless challenging. Having to deal with it alone was even more trying. Toss in the mix, the loss of my best friend to a car accident a couple of months after my youngest child graduated from high school which was the same month her dad decided to move out. Oh, and should I also mention that our seventeen year old cocker spaniel had to be put down just hours before my daughter graduated?!? 2000 was not a very good year!!!
We've all survived--we've each made transitions at our individual paces. As with most of my journals, I felt this one could be cathartic. I'd hoped it would eventually reflect the courage I'd wished to find for dealing with the situation into which I was tossed --I'd hoped to feel stronger at some point.
The truth is that most days I feel as if a weight sits heavily upon the enter of my being. I wake up struggling to remove it--first mentally then physically. It's debilitating. I don't wish to have it there. Many days my only thought is that I want my family back. I don't mean the kids back at home, but I do mean that I wish we were more than a 'disjointed' family. I wish there was not another family looming in the background enjoying the fruits of our labor together as a family. It IS unfair. It is mentally and physically exhausting to deal with. And it never seems to go away. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is trying to ignore--pretending it is just part of the decor. In truth, it was not a purchase we made collectively--it's more like something 'inherited' that leaves you wishing you were part of another family with better taste. It's not something you value--not yet anyway.
We take small steps forward and then many more back. There are fleeting moments of freedom from the burden of this heaviness, but all too often something occurs to weigh us down again. It's a constant struggle to remember who you were before divorce. Even redefining yourself is monumental. I'd hoped to be coasting through life at this stage equipped with experiences that would make for great memories--the kind that keep you warm at night.
Instead, I'm experiencing the heaviness in my heart which creates a cloud that covers my thoughts and I'm frozen in place. I move about through my days like a zombie--half awake, half asleep. I function--I get things done--but I feel numb--burdens do that to you.
I don't feel so religious anymore, but I do know this--divorce is a sin. I feel it's the worst sin imaginable. Death is final, but this goes on and on. Daily there is a new challenge to my being--I exist, but I'm not living. And I'm frozen--blocked--I wish for more to write about--I wish for new thoughts--a new life.
I've kept a journal most of my adult life. Much of the content reflected my search for answers to the daunting issues in life which I felt ill-equipped to tackle. My favorite journals were written to my children as I carried them in my body and afterwards through many of the glorious and not so glorious moments of their lives. I sought to chronicle their existence and leave reminders of the moments that otherwise could have become lost. I had hoped to share a shread of wisdom, but many times I found that I only grew in wisdom because of their presence in my life. It was great to impart that knowledge to them in the written word.
When I began this blog, I was at a major crossroad in my life--one I truly was not prepared to reach. I was divorced after twenty-six years of marriage. I'd spent half my life as a wife and mother. My nest was empty and so was my bed. The picture was definitely not as I'd expected it to be. Dealing with my children moving on was expected, certainly, but nonetheless challenging. Having to deal with it alone was even more trying. Toss in the mix, the loss of my best friend to a car accident a couple of months after my youngest child graduated from high school which was the same month her dad decided to move out. Oh, and should I also mention that our seventeen year old cocker spaniel had to be put down just hours before my daughter graduated?!? 2000 was not a very good year!!!
We've all survived--we've each made transitions at our individual paces. As with most of my journals, I felt this one could be cathartic. I'd hoped it would eventually reflect the courage I'd wished to find for dealing with the situation into which I was tossed --I'd hoped to feel stronger at some point.
The truth is that most days I feel as if a weight sits heavily upon the enter of my being. I wake up struggling to remove it--first mentally then physically. It's debilitating. I don't wish to have it there. Many days my only thought is that I want my family back. I don't mean the kids back at home, but I do mean that I wish we were more than a 'disjointed' family. I wish there was not another family looming in the background enjoying the fruits of our labor together as a family. It IS unfair. It is mentally and physically exhausting to deal with. And it never seems to go away. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is trying to ignore--pretending it is just part of the decor. In truth, it was not a purchase we made collectively--it's more like something 'inherited' that leaves you wishing you were part of another family with better taste. It's not something you value--not yet anyway.
We take small steps forward and then many more back. There are fleeting moments of freedom from the burden of this heaviness, but all too often something occurs to weigh us down again. It's a constant struggle to remember who you were before divorce. Even redefining yourself is monumental. I'd hoped to be coasting through life at this stage equipped with experiences that would make for great memories--the kind that keep you warm at night.
Instead, I'm experiencing the heaviness in my heart which creates a cloud that covers my thoughts and I'm frozen in place. I move about through my days like a zombie--half awake, half asleep. I function--I get things done--but I feel numb--burdens do that to you.
I don't feel so religious anymore, but I do know this--divorce is a sin. I feel it's the worst sin imaginable. Death is final, but this goes on and on. Daily there is a new challenge to my being--I exist, but I'm not living. And I'm frozen--blocked--I wish for more to write about--I wish for new thoughts--a new life.
posted by Di at 8:08 AM
1 Comments:
Oh, you are not alone. I have been there, SO been there. I do not know if this is a possibility for you, but perhaps a move to a new place, a new climate, a new city would give you some peace? Sadly, it takes years to recover from such a relationship. They say 1 yr of recovery for every 2 yrs of the relationship.
But the past is worth nothing unless we learn from it.
I wish you all the best.
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