Codependency?!?
It seems that if you mention a 'catch word' in your blog, 'Google' picks it up and posts it for the world to login to. I realize many of my viewers have found my blog through such a list. I used the word 'codependency' in a post....so welcome all you codependents, huh?!
I suppose now is the time to address this. I am familiar with the word. ('Tapper', my 'feathered friend', is cawing as I write...maybe he's saying hello to all of you out there in blogspot!!) :)) Anyway, yes, I am a 'codependent personality'. Someone conversing with me in my IM, at the moment, asked what the word means. I like to believe that I have learned to process my life in ways that are less codependent these days, so I have difficulty revisiting it. But one of the steps in 'CoDa' is to share your experience with others who 'still suffer'. I'll do my best.
To me, codependency is extreme 'care-taking'. It's 'people-pleasing' at the utmost..putting others before yourself. For me, my personality lent itself to this, but I was conditioned by an out-of-control parent who tried to gain control over her own life by controlling others. Ha!! Sound insane? It is!!
Numerous family-of-origin issues come into play. A person feels the need to control whomever they can in the absence of control over self. I then tried my darnest to please this person, who, by the way, was never going to be pleased by me, really, because I was NOT her problem. It took years of failure in my own life, maturity, and lots of counseling for me to realize this.
It's no surprise that I married a man who took over the role of my parent. He had his issues as well, but was, still is, in extreme denial. He projected his issues onto me, and I accepted them gladly. I was conditioned to do so, this felt familiar. He appears the 'all-American-good guy-next door'. He reminded me daily that he thought that I was 'crazy'. Now I'm wondering, if he really believed this, why on earth did he choose me?! That is where 'codependency' comes into play...it takes TWO...one feeds off the other....it takes both personalities for this to manifest.
Though we may sound like idiots, most codependent people are very intelligent, so don't get me wrong. This is generally a psychologically clever way to disguise one's own problems. In my case he let me be the fall-guy in counseling and in every other area of our lives. I was the one to blame for anything that was wrong, always!! And believe me, when you bring dysfunction to a relationship, you will have problems.
We identified with one another's dysfunction. It was our bond. It was also our downfall. I sought help, he lied and pretended I was the only one who needed it. My codependent personality accepted this...I must be the 'sick' one...I am the one who needs help....I am the one 'suffering'. I did, all right...but so did he...so did my parents....my siblings...everyone around me of any significance reinforced this behavior. It was 'normal', or so it seemed. This made it so insidious.
Counseling had no meaning to me until I began attending 'CoDa' (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. I went faithfully every Monday night for five years, and eventually learned to identify my issues and how to address them in regular therapy. I learned to 'sort out' my problems and the confusion surrounding them...to see clearly. I needed to know myself apart from the conditioning and mistreatment.
Out of shear frustration and the covering up of numerous lies, my husband had become mentally, emotionally, and even physically abusive. To this day, people who 'think' they know him, find this difficult to believe...which becomes part of the dilemma. The person who is the 'weakest', on the surface, the one who tolerates the abuse inflicted by others, is seen as the problem, and this actually perpetuates the problem, as you may surmise. I must admit here, I was part of the problem. Becoming a 'victim' is not healthy, and in many ways, I allowed myself to be victimized. This was my weakness.
What were some of the original issues? Poor parenting skills and/or lack of a strong healthy parent. Absence of a parent, in his case, his dad had died when he was in college, although his dad was a traveling salesman and absent anyway. Mothers who are overwhelmed and have poor parenting skills, left to cope on her own with a houseful of kids and sometimes a job. I'm sure this does not seem uncommon, but we are talking about people with no self-esteem, no healthy discernment skills, etc. In many cases, codependents have suffered as children of alcoholics or incest or other such horrendous acts. We are talking about people who are so overwhelmed they never seem to put things in a perspective that they can deal with. It becomes a vicious cycle...like a revolving door they cannot exit. Yes, they are literally spinning their wheels...at least that is how I felt while trying to relate to my husband and various counselors until CoDa helped me identify my particular issues.
From there....I learned to seek the truth of the situation, of any other for that matter. I came out of denial myself. I saw my husband for what he was, not what I wished him to be. I began to accept that he had lied to me about many things. I understood 'projection'. I knew that despite the fact that I made every effort to be the 'perfect' wife and partner, it was not working. Something was wrong. I was a codependent, a person with definite personal issues, but I had not resorted to lying and cheating. I learned the difference between right/wrong, wise/foolish, and just plain opinion. I learned that many times my opinion was not valued and became the thing we argued most. We never addressed the true 'wrongs'. His projection of this onto me finally became the mirror I needed to see him (and myself)...and eventually, he admitted his 'defects of character'....at least the lying and cheating. That is where my marriage ended.
Could it have been saved with the truth in the open? Yes, had he decided entirely to accept his part in things. This was not to be. His lies continue to this day. He lies to his children. He is living a life that allows him to remain codependent. It was his choice really, but he left me with no choice. Even our attempts to reconcile through counseling, were insincere on his part. The counselor and I 'called his bluff', gave him the benefit of the doubt only to discover more lies. It was time for this to end.
It's unfortunate that we chose one another while we were both clearly dysfunctional. I know that in the beginning, I was vaguely aware that we 'related' in many respects, and as I said, this seemed familiar and well, therefore, 'comfortable'. I knew we needed counseling, and we sought it. I truly thought we'd grow closer and healthier in the process. My wishes to become healthier were not fulfilled in the marriage. I hope for both of us, they will be elsewhere, even if that means alone. Recovery is a solitary process anyway.
This is where I am now, a year later. Actually, my separation lasted four years. He fought in court my right to have a lifestyle 'equal' to his after 26 years of marriage. He continued his deceit. But in the end, what I had learned about the truth, helped me to be stronger than I had ever been in my entire life, and I exited the relationship feeling vindicated and as comfortable as one can expect to feel in the aftermath of such a disasterous relationship. I 'grew up' and became stronger as I stood my ground in the process.
In fact, the pic I posted of myself on this blog has significant meaning to me. After four years of separation, and four lawyers later, I'd learned how to care for myself and not to back down when others seek to take advantage of me. That pic was near the end of the proceedings, when I finally left the court house with a smile on my face instead of tears, I've labeled it 'A Good Day in Court'. I had arrived. I was my own person, and I knew I deserved better than what I had gotten prior. (Ha...in the proof-read here, I realize that I had another person write a description of me to go along with the picture when I posted it, I suppose I STILL carry some tendencies not to see myself in the most positive light. This post will likely give a 'fair' analysis of myself. Though I do not want this to be the 'end all'...for there IS more to come...more evolving of this self...and I look forward to it!) :))
I'm not talking monetary issues here, I will NEVER see 'my half' of anything...he arranged for that before we began the ordeal. We settled out of court, and that was that. I am comfortable, and this is what matters most to me. I have the house/home we created that our children can come back to, and I've kept the 'good things', the worthwhile things, in place as much as possible. I feel they deserved some continuity in all the upheaval. The irony is, people who thought they knew us, never realized we had any problems. It's like I've said many times before, you can have the 'picket fence' but that does not mean you are happy if held hostage behind it, or even if you are just hiding out there.
Gosh, I DID NOT expect to share THIS in my blog. I also want to clarify, that my marriage was not the original source of my personal codependency. It began long before. I do feel the relationship was an extension of this, however, and forced me to deal with it. I mean, an unhealthy person may attempt to choose a healthy person for a life partner, but generally a healthy person will not reciprocate. I sabotaged the few healthy relationships I was fortunate enough to have. I am grateful to this day for the positive example these people provided me. They became part of my 'recovery' from all that was negative in my life. They gave me a vision, and I gained a better sense of myself as a result of contact with healthy others who could see the good in me that I could not at the time.
Whew!! Enough said. If this is fragmented, forgive me, there is no way to explain a lifetime of codependency in one post. There are books filled with attempts to do so. I suggest you find them if you really care to understand it better. Melody Beatty is one of the finest authors and a most reliable source of information with her own true life experience of living through codependency and thriving beyond it. Her books offered great insight and encouragement as I sought to understand myself and improve my life. If any of you relate, my best wishes are with you as you seek to escape the insufferable lifestyle of codependency. I know you can do it if you are determined enough. I did, and it feels great!!! :))
(I would not say I am a 'Twelve Step Junkie' but the steps were useful in my 'recovery' from this mindset. Sooo...haha...I find myself wanting to conclude by saying: 'Keep coming back, it works if you work it (it won't if you don't')!!!! It does work!!) Good luck to those of you are willing to let go!!
Omgosh....I am aware suddenly of numerous 'key words' in this post that could show up in 'Google'....this is my conclusion on the subject. (Haha, yeah right!!!) ;-)
I suppose now is the time to address this. I am familiar with the word. ('Tapper', my 'feathered friend', is cawing as I write...maybe he's saying hello to all of you out there in blogspot!!) :)) Anyway, yes, I am a 'codependent personality'. Someone conversing with me in my IM, at the moment, asked what the word means. I like to believe that I have learned to process my life in ways that are less codependent these days, so I have difficulty revisiting it. But one of the steps in 'CoDa' is to share your experience with others who 'still suffer'. I'll do my best.
To me, codependency is extreme 'care-taking'. It's 'people-pleasing' at the utmost..putting others before yourself. For me, my personality lent itself to this, but I was conditioned by an out-of-control parent who tried to gain control over her own life by controlling others. Ha!! Sound insane? It is!!
Numerous family-of-origin issues come into play. A person feels the need to control whomever they can in the absence of control over self. I then tried my darnest to please this person, who, by the way, was never going to be pleased by me, really, because I was NOT her problem. It took years of failure in my own life, maturity, and lots of counseling for me to realize this.
It's no surprise that I married a man who took over the role of my parent. He had his issues as well, but was, still is, in extreme denial. He projected his issues onto me, and I accepted them gladly. I was conditioned to do so, this felt familiar. He appears the 'all-American-good guy-next door'. He reminded me daily that he thought that I was 'crazy'. Now I'm wondering, if he really believed this, why on earth did he choose me?! That is where 'codependency' comes into play...it takes TWO...one feeds off the other....it takes both personalities for this to manifest.
Though we may sound like idiots, most codependent people are very intelligent, so don't get me wrong. This is generally a psychologically clever way to disguise one's own problems. In my case he let me be the fall-guy in counseling and in every other area of our lives. I was the one to blame for anything that was wrong, always!! And believe me, when you bring dysfunction to a relationship, you will have problems.
We identified with one another's dysfunction. It was our bond. It was also our downfall. I sought help, he lied and pretended I was the only one who needed it. My codependent personality accepted this...I must be the 'sick' one...I am the one who needs help....I am the one 'suffering'. I did, all right...but so did he...so did my parents....my siblings...everyone around me of any significance reinforced this behavior. It was 'normal', or so it seemed. This made it so insidious.
Counseling had no meaning to me until I began attending 'CoDa' (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. I went faithfully every Monday night for five years, and eventually learned to identify my issues and how to address them in regular therapy. I learned to 'sort out' my problems and the confusion surrounding them...to see clearly. I needed to know myself apart from the conditioning and mistreatment.
Out of shear frustration and the covering up of numerous lies, my husband had become mentally, emotionally, and even physically abusive. To this day, people who 'think' they know him, find this difficult to believe...which becomes part of the dilemma. The person who is the 'weakest', on the surface, the one who tolerates the abuse inflicted by others, is seen as the problem, and this actually perpetuates the problem, as you may surmise. I must admit here, I was part of the problem. Becoming a 'victim' is not healthy, and in many ways, I allowed myself to be victimized. This was my weakness.
What were some of the original issues? Poor parenting skills and/or lack of a strong healthy parent. Absence of a parent, in his case, his dad had died when he was in college, although his dad was a traveling salesman and absent anyway. Mothers who are overwhelmed and have poor parenting skills, left to cope on her own with a houseful of kids and sometimes a job. I'm sure this does not seem uncommon, but we are talking about people with no self-esteem, no healthy discernment skills, etc. In many cases, codependents have suffered as children of alcoholics or incest or other such horrendous acts. We are talking about people who are so overwhelmed they never seem to put things in a perspective that they can deal with. It becomes a vicious cycle...like a revolving door they cannot exit. Yes, they are literally spinning their wheels...at least that is how I felt while trying to relate to my husband and various counselors until CoDa helped me identify my particular issues.
From there....I learned to seek the truth of the situation, of any other for that matter. I came out of denial myself. I saw my husband for what he was, not what I wished him to be. I began to accept that he had lied to me about many things. I understood 'projection'. I knew that despite the fact that I made every effort to be the 'perfect' wife and partner, it was not working. Something was wrong. I was a codependent, a person with definite personal issues, but I had not resorted to lying and cheating. I learned the difference between right/wrong, wise/foolish, and just plain opinion. I learned that many times my opinion was not valued and became the thing we argued most. We never addressed the true 'wrongs'. His projection of this onto me finally became the mirror I needed to see him (and myself)...and eventually, he admitted his 'defects of character'....at least the lying and cheating. That is where my marriage ended.
Could it have been saved with the truth in the open? Yes, had he decided entirely to accept his part in things. This was not to be. His lies continue to this day. He lies to his children. He is living a life that allows him to remain codependent. It was his choice really, but he left me with no choice. Even our attempts to reconcile through counseling, were insincere on his part. The counselor and I 'called his bluff', gave him the benefit of the doubt only to discover more lies. It was time for this to end.
It's unfortunate that we chose one another while we were both clearly dysfunctional. I know that in the beginning, I was vaguely aware that we 'related' in many respects, and as I said, this seemed familiar and well, therefore, 'comfortable'. I knew we needed counseling, and we sought it. I truly thought we'd grow closer and healthier in the process. My wishes to become healthier were not fulfilled in the marriage. I hope for both of us, they will be elsewhere, even if that means alone. Recovery is a solitary process anyway.
This is where I am now, a year later. Actually, my separation lasted four years. He fought in court my right to have a lifestyle 'equal' to his after 26 years of marriage. He continued his deceit. But in the end, what I had learned about the truth, helped me to be stronger than I had ever been in my entire life, and I exited the relationship feeling vindicated and as comfortable as one can expect to feel in the aftermath of such a disasterous relationship. I 'grew up' and became stronger as I stood my ground in the process.
In fact, the pic I posted of myself on this blog has significant meaning to me. After four years of separation, and four lawyers later, I'd learned how to care for myself and not to back down when others seek to take advantage of me. That pic was near the end of the proceedings, when I finally left the court house with a smile on my face instead of tears, I've labeled it 'A Good Day in Court'. I had arrived. I was my own person, and I knew I deserved better than what I had gotten prior. (Ha...in the proof-read here, I realize that I had another person write a description of me to go along with the picture when I posted it, I suppose I STILL carry some tendencies not to see myself in the most positive light. This post will likely give a 'fair' analysis of myself. Though I do not want this to be the 'end all'...for there IS more to come...more evolving of this self...and I look forward to it!) :))
I'm not talking monetary issues here, I will NEVER see 'my half' of anything...he arranged for that before we began the ordeal. We settled out of court, and that was that. I am comfortable, and this is what matters most to me. I have the house/home we created that our children can come back to, and I've kept the 'good things', the worthwhile things, in place as much as possible. I feel they deserved some continuity in all the upheaval. The irony is, people who thought they knew us, never realized we had any problems. It's like I've said many times before, you can have the 'picket fence' but that does not mean you are happy if held hostage behind it, or even if you are just hiding out there.
Gosh, I DID NOT expect to share THIS in my blog. I also want to clarify, that my marriage was not the original source of my personal codependency. It began long before. I do feel the relationship was an extension of this, however, and forced me to deal with it. I mean, an unhealthy person may attempt to choose a healthy person for a life partner, but generally a healthy person will not reciprocate. I sabotaged the few healthy relationships I was fortunate enough to have. I am grateful to this day for the positive example these people provided me. They became part of my 'recovery' from all that was negative in my life. They gave me a vision, and I gained a better sense of myself as a result of contact with healthy others who could see the good in me that I could not at the time.
Whew!! Enough said. If this is fragmented, forgive me, there is no way to explain a lifetime of codependency in one post. There are books filled with attempts to do so. I suggest you find them if you really care to understand it better. Melody Beatty is one of the finest authors and a most reliable source of information with her own true life experience of living through codependency and thriving beyond it. Her books offered great insight and encouragement as I sought to understand myself and improve my life. If any of you relate, my best wishes are with you as you seek to escape the insufferable lifestyle of codependency. I know you can do it if you are determined enough. I did, and it feels great!!! :))
(I would not say I am a 'Twelve Step Junkie' but the steps were useful in my 'recovery' from this mindset. Sooo...haha...I find myself wanting to conclude by saying: 'Keep coming back, it works if you work it (it won't if you don't')!!!! It does work!!) Good luck to those of you are willing to let go!!
Omgosh....I am aware suddenly of numerous 'key words' in this post that could show up in 'Google'....this is my conclusion on the subject. (Haha, yeah right!!!) ;-)
posted by Di at 10:12 AM
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