I'M GREEN (AGAIN...& you know..'it's not easy'...oh..soo corny!!)......
...with envy for the 'Bored Housewife' and others who so freely write what is on their mind with total abandon and humor...which to me equates to being intelligent!! Words just seem to flow for them in poetic ways that keep things light and carefree and fun!!! I WANT THAT!!!! What is my 'block'?!?!
Afraid to be myself?! Feelings of inferiority?! No sense of humor, really?! Or a sense of humor so dry, that I bore myself...even!! No need to get out the tomatoes, folks...I'm already dodging!! SIGH!!!
Why can't I laugh at myself!?!? Is my life SO HEAVY that I have lost any sense of the comedy of it all?! I'm soooo wound up....wound up sooo tightly that I cannot let it out....I'm beating myself up....for being such a 'victim' of my southern heritage....meaning...I cannot write in the 'Queen's English', and I fear being viewed as ignorant!! Fear that I have nothing to say of any consequence or value...and that I never will?!?! Sigh...Sheesh...I am SO pathetic, I had someone else write up a profile describing me to go along with the pic I recently posted...
I want out of this rut...out of this nightmare....I want this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away!!! I want to shake it all off and just have fun! Gawd, will I EVER have fun again?!
You know, I was seriously considering earlier sharing some feelings I was having about my ex and his 'new family'....(NOT really 'his family', but his GF's family....3 kids)....I wanted to ask my one or two readers if they could relate at all to my feelings of bitterness?! The woman is not someone I've met, but I from what I know she must have some kind of power over the dumb@ zz men in her life.
For starters, it would seem that she is defrauding the government, as I see it, because rather than get a divorce, she is staying married to her first husband, who is a military guy living in Germany, involved with a 20-something year old acccording to the information their oldest daughter provided to my youngest child, also a daughter. The mom, my ex's GF, is staying married to her 'ex' so that she can receive money (a pension?) from the military as alimony for the kids. Now mind you, I don't have a problem with the kids receiving the money they deserve in order to live a good life...they are the TRUE 'victims' here...they did not deserve to have their lives disrupted because their parents f%*#ked up!! Nevertheless....this woman is receiving the pension, to my knowledge, AND she has latched onto MY ex....(did so even while we were legally married and separated...which lasted about 5 years.....and ok..so they supposedly 'met thru 'match.com', which obviously promotes married but separated couples to connect through their services (did they even care that my ex was sitting in counseling with me continuing the lies...of wanting to reconcile knowing full well there was this other woman who believed she had met her match at the .com service?!)....so I can say that ok, maybe she did not just 'latch onto him'...perhaps it was 'mutual'?!) Ok, now I am lost!!!
Okay...back on track, I think?!?! Now not only does she have her ex taking care of her and the kids (via our government)...she also has MY ex preparing to move her in with him before Christmas, (they hope, I hear)...to the new house that he has built to accomodate this woman and her kids. I wanna know what made her so deserving of all this support?! I mean, come on....sex can't be THAT great....her personality can't be THAT amazing...and I know, personally, she is NOT that good looking (should I post the pic of the two of them together with another couple (his new partner and wife...one of our oldest couples friends from waaay back who moved to town and suddenly deserved to 'acquire' half of OUR companies pre-divorce...you know how those stories go...)...that came out in our local 'City Magazine' on, of all days, our wedding anniversary, lifting their glasses of champagne at an appropriately named party, 'Affair in the Square'.....nahh, that would be stooping..and well, I could be charged with some kind of slander here, hmm?!)...I mean...let's review the way she is conducting herself....I think there are glaring defects of character suggested in just the things I have described. So, how is it that these 'types' (no pun!) manage to accomplish such feats?!
She should be proud of herself....seems her newly high-school graduated daughter will be following in her footsteps in the area of lack of sensitivity...after all, SHE (the daughter) is the one who informed MY daughter that HER father (my daughter's father...just for clarity) had begun building a new home (oh...I might interject here, my ex took the monies from 'our former company', before divorce was final, to start up a new business with a new partner....building houses) for the lot (again, no pun intended) of them....Seems MY ex is about as insensitive toward his own child as this 'new child' in his life was toward our daughter....at least SHE informed my child...(something her own dad failed to do even when she asked him point blank what his living arrangements would be post-divorce (aside from the 'secret apartment' he'd had in the new GF's nearby town....which it seems he did not 'really' occupy since he had the convenience of living in her home with her family...I suppose the apartment was just a cover/front during divorce proceedings...(oh...btw...did I say 4 years...long and drawn out?) or perhaps a place where the two of them could getaway whenever they could have the new GF's (according to my ex) parents babysit for them...(yes, he said....she had parents who 'cared enough to help them out').....)) (I think?!) Confusing?! Yep...I can imagine it would be....we're slightly still confused ourselves...and we've been keeping up all along!! Sheesh.....
Ok...I digress...I don't wanna be the 'kind of woman' my ex is living with...(thus I have divorced him and all the other women he 'took care of' during OUR marriage).....and I don't want MY children to be in the place where 'those children' reside emotionally and otherwise....so I should be ecstatic that their father has taken up with his 'own kind' and is showing the world, (well, at least his 'first and (true) family') what he is really all about....now we can stand on the truth of the matter here and try to regain some composure...and be grateful that we are not the ones moving into the new house with him...right?!?!
Gosh, I am exhausted...and not even sure I got all the parenthesis' in the correct places nor the right number of them...but well....tired, I am....and this was just a brief note describing the nightmare that was my last 5 or so years of separation and divorce...And I still wonder....if I deserve to be bitter?!?! HA!!! I mean..I've kept up with and related to the other women out there 'blogging' their similiar stories....I've envied and despised them at the same time for so eloquently sharing their rightful anger and resentment...I did not want to 'relate' to them, really....I wanted to continue to pretend I did not deserve this somehow...and by accepting that I have it to deal with regardless....well...you know where I am going with this......to that place I have avoided going...
Whew!!! With this out of the way, I wonder....will this tightness in my chest go away?! Will I become free to breathe and let it go and write about the many funny and worthwhile and meaningful things that happen in my life?! After 26 years of marriage (as you may have noted if you read earlier posts...this year would have been 27)...can I just let it go?! Replace the feelings with something that helps me to like myself again....and hopefully draw others to me in the process?!
I KNOW I am not alone in this saga...I KNOW a large majority (much to my dismay) of the world has had similiar or worse experiences....ha...(and this is just the one I pondered today...)..haha.....I WANT to get over it...I WANT to let it go...I have two great kids to consider...and an extended loving and supportive family...not to mention many wonderful friends who stood beside me through it all and who have returned in the aftermath from distant places to show concern and encouragement....And, believe it or not, I don't even want to continue to harbor bitter feelings toward the ex and the 'new family'....for it is SO not worth it!!!!!
Well...I'll move the cursor.....to 'Publish Post'.....right click my mouse to make it happen....turn off the PC...walk upstairs and breathe....and release and believe that it will be okay....Heck...what have I got to lose?!? My two readers?! Chances are, they are not coming back after first read anyway...haha....I'll be okay....I'll feel cleansed....I'll feel I finally had my say...and if NO ONE reads...or understands or comments...I'll know I finally did it...I said it, somewhat 'out loud', for the whole world to see!!! And I'll feel just a little bit lighter myself!!
(*Note*....I'm not going to even proof-read this time...which is big for me....Mistakes and all are part of this process, I suppose...so 'what you see...is what you get'!!! Sorry!!!)
Afraid to be myself?! Feelings of inferiority?! No sense of humor, really?! Or a sense of humor so dry, that I bore myself...even!! No need to get out the tomatoes, folks...I'm already dodging!! SIGH!!!
Why can't I laugh at myself!?!? Is my life SO HEAVY that I have lost any sense of the comedy of it all?! I'm soooo wound up....wound up sooo tightly that I cannot let it out....I'm beating myself up....for being such a 'victim' of my southern heritage....meaning...I cannot write in the 'Queen's English', and I fear being viewed as ignorant!! Fear that I have nothing to say of any consequence or value...and that I never will?!?! Sigh...Sheesh...I am SO pathetic, I had someone else write up a profile describing me to go along with the pic I recently posted...
I want out of this rut...out of this nightmare....I want this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away!!! I want to shake it all off and just have fun! Gawd, will I EVER have fun again?!
You know, I was seriously considering earlier sharing some feelings I was having about my ex and his 'new family'....(NOT really 'his family', but his GF's family....3 kids)....I wanted to ask my one or two readers if they could relate at all to my feelings of bitterness?! The woman is not someone I've met, but I from what I know she must have some kind of power over the dumb@ zz men in her life.
For starters, it would seem that she is defrauding the government, as I see it, because rather than get a divorce, she is staying married to her first husband, who is a military guy living in Germany, involved with a 20-something year old acccording to the information their oldest daughter provided to my youngest child, also a daughter. The mom, my ex's GF, is staying married to her 'ex' so that she can receive money (a pension?) from the military as alimony for the kids. Now mind you, I don't have a problem with the kids receiving the money they deserve in order to live a good life...they are the TRUE 'victims' here...they did not deserve to have their lives disrupted because their parents f%*#ked up!! Nevertheless....this woman is receiving the pension, to my knowledge, AND she has latched onto MY ex....(did so even while we were legally married and separated...which lasted about 5 years.....and ok..so they supposedly 'met thru 'match.com', which obviously promotes married but separated couples to connect through their services (did they even care that my ex was sitting in counseling with me continuing the lies...of wanting to reconcile knowing full well there was this other woman who believed she had met her match at the .com service?!)....so I can say that ok, maybe she did not just 'latch onto him'...perhaps it was 'mutual'?!) Ok, now I am lost!!!
Okay...back on track, I think?!?! Now not only does she have her ex taking care of her and the kids (via our government)...she also has MY ex preparing to move her in with him before Christmas, (they hope, I hear)...to the new house that he has built to accomodate this woman and her kids. I wanna know what made her so deserving of all this support?! I mean, come on....sex can't be THAT great....her personality can't be THAT amazing...and I know, personally, she is NOT that good looking (should I post the pic of the two of them together with another couple (his new partner and wife...one of our oldest couples friends from waaay back who moved to town and suddenly deserved to 'acquire' half of OUR companies pre-divorce...you know how those stories go...)...that came out in our local 'City Magazine' on, of all days, our wedding anniversary, lifting their glasses of champagne at an appropriately named party, 'Affair in the Square'.....nahh, that would be stooping..and well, I could be charged with some kind of slander here, hmm?!)...I mean...let's review the way she is conducting herself....I think there are glaring defects of character suggested in just the things I have described. So, how is it that these 'types' (no pun!) manage to accomplish such feats?!
She should be proud of herself....seems her newly high-school graduated daughter will be following in her footsteps in the area of lack of sensitivity...after all, SHE (the daughter) is the one who informed MY daughter that HER father (my daughter's father...just for clarity) had begun building a new home (oh...I might interject here, my ex took the monies from 'our former company', before divorce was final, to start up a new business with a new partner....building houses) for the lot (again, no pun intended) of them....Seems MY ex is about as insensitive toward his own child as this 'new child' in his life was toward our daughter....at least SHE informed my child...(something her own dad failed to do even when she asked him point blank what his living arrangements would be post-divorce (aside from the 'secret apartment' he'd had in the new GF's nearby town....which it seems he did not 'really' occupy since he had the convenience of living in her home with her family...I suppose the apartment was just a cover/front during divorce proceedings...(oh...btw...did I say 4 years...long and drawn out?) or perhaps a place where the two of them could getaway whenever they could have the new GF's (according to my ex) parents babysit for them...(yes, he said....she had parents who 'cared enough to help them out').....)) (I think?!) Confusing?! Yep...I can imagine it would be....we're slightly still confused ourselves...and we've been keeping up all along!! Sheesh.....
Ok...I digress...I don't wanna be the 'kind of woman' my ex is living with...(thus I have divorced him and all the other women he 'took care of' during OUR marriage).....and I don't want MY children to be in the place where 'those children' reside emotionally and otherwise....so I should be ecstatic that their father has taken up with his 'own kind' and is showing the world, (well, at least his 'first and (true) family') what he is really all about....now we can stand on the truth of the matter here and try to regain some composure...and be grateful that we are not the ones moving into the new house with him...right?!?!
Gosh, I am exhausted...and not even sure I got all the parenthesis' in the correct places nor the right number of them...but well....tired, I am....and this was just a brief note describing the nightmare that was my last 5 or so years of separation and divorce...And I still wonder....if I deserve to be bitter?!?! HA!!! I mean..I've kept up with and related to the other women out there 'blogging' their similiar stories....I've envied and despised them at the same time for so eloquently sharing their rightful anger and resentment...I did not want to 'relate' to them, really....I wanted to continue to pretend I did not deserve this somehow...and by accepting that I have it to deal with regardless....well...you know where I am going with this......to that place I have avoided going...
Whew!!! With this out of the way, I wonder....will this tightness in my chest go away?! Will I become free to breathe and let it go and write about the many funny and worthwhile and meaningful things that happen in my life?! After 26 years of marriage (as you may have noted if you read earlier posts...this year would have been 27)...can I just let it go?! Replace the feelings with something that helps me to like myself again....and hopefully draw others to me in the process?!
I KNOW I am not alone in this saga...I KNOW a large majority (much to my dismay) of the world has had similiar or worse experiences....ha...(and this is just the one I pondered today...)..haha.....I WANT to get over it...I WANT to let it go...I have two great kids to consider...and an extended loving and supportive family...not to mention many wonderful friends who stood beside me through it all and who have returned in the aftermath from distant places to show concern and encouragement....And, believe it or not, I don't even want to continue to harbor bitter feelings toward the ex and the 'new family'....for it is SO not worth it!!!!!
Well...I'll move the cursor.....to 'Publish Post'.....right click my mouse to make it happen....turn off the PC...walk upstairs and breathe....and release and believe that it will be okay....Heck...what have I got to lose?!? My two readers?! Chances are, they are not coming back after first read anyway...haha....I'll be okay....I'll feel cleansed....I'll feel I finally had my say...and if NO ONE reads...or understands or comments...I'll know I finally did it...I said it, somewhat 'out loud', for the whole world to see!!! And I'll feel just a little bit lighter myself!!
(*Note*....I'm not going to even proof-read this time...which is big for me....Mistakes and all are part of this process, I suppose...so 'what you see...is what you get'!!! Sorry!!!)
posted by Di at 5:39 PM
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