Ghost In This House....

I don't pick up the mail
I don't pick up the phone
I don't answer the door
I'd just as soon be alone
I don't keep this place up
I just keep the lights down
I don't live in these rooms
I just rattle around

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
As quietly as a mouse
I haunt these halls
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house

I don't care if it rains
I don't care if it's clear
I don't mind staying in
There's another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
And he lays down his head
On your pillow at night

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
I'm living proof of the damage
Heartbreak does
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
And took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house
Oh, I'm just a ghost in this house

Artist: Alison Krauss Lyrics
Song: Ghost In This House Lyrics

YAY!!!!

My birds are smart (unlike some people I know...ok...I won't go there), but I knew this all along!!

A friend, who has witnessed the behavior of 'my crows', shared this link with me....(he knows too). I love it!!!

They've got a new dish now....

'Tapper' gave his thanks on the window today just after I placed the feeder on the deck.....

......imagine what "Tapper' would do with a keyboard?!?!

Ah!!! Life is grand!!

A Song For You.......

This morning I was sharing stories with a friend from the days when I taught elementary and middle school. I remembered special students (ya...I know...we're not supposed to have favorites...but well, I did)....

While I was student teaching, one boy was killed in a tragic car accident...(in fact, his entire family was killed: mom, dad, a brother...minus one brother who stayed home to run his paper route)...over the Thanksgiving break. As I recalled the details, I thought of this song, for some reason, probably because it reflects the era...not that the words have anything to do with this particular situation...but well...It's a haunting song...makes me feel kind of melancholy...so I thought I'd leave the words here today in memory of Tom and his family and the brother they left behind....and also with fond memories of all of the students I've had over time who taught ME so much, each in their own special way.....

Song For You

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

(*) You taught me precious secrets of the truth withholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

(**) I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

Repeat (*)

Repeat (**)

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

(Carpenter's version)


(*Note* to self....find a pic of Tom to post....)
(*Done*)

My better posts are in drafts....

....I KNOW this.....and perhaps it's best they are left there....who knows?!?

I used to think it was 'daring' to register my thoughts with pen and paper...knowing that someday..someone would read them...the same is true now for my drafts....I'm still 'hiding' feelings that I don't have the courage to share...or am I? When I read over them, I'm not ashamed...they seemed full of feeling when I wrote them...driven by the need to say what I 'really' feel...not just what I think I can dare to say...But then I read over them again, and they don't seem so embarrassing....in fact, they seem logical and well-articulated....as if I really do know myself.....and relate appropriately to the world around me, at least in my mind.....so this is not a bad thing.....

Perhaps for now, it's important that I know this...it's not likely the world would even notice the difference between my posts and my drafts....ha...who knew that anyone else in the world would be reading anyway....I'm still not convinced they need to be....'Full circle....For now....I'll keep my drafts on the shelf....(ya...ya.....all the responses to 'that' cliche' rush in.....ie....I'll 'play it safe'....I will continue 'to hide'..I won't 'live my life in the open'....I 'lack courage'....etc...or maybe I am just 'wise')?!?!?!

*Note* to Self.........

...in reference to this blog....share pics of rocking chair on porch moved by deceased friend, Linda (?!)...AND....copy of the poem that came to me in my sleep (my only published writing).....

(Sigh....later...not in much of a blogging mood these past few days....)

Synchronicity or Irony?!?!?

A couple of posts for my fellow-blogger, 'Acidman'....

A couple of days ago I purchased this movie found on one of those discounted discount tables in the 'GameStop' store at the mall (Yes, I was in a 'game store'...moi purchased (for HERSELF)....a 'GameCube' AND an 'XBOX'...yikes!!)...The movie appealed to me because a more than slightly imperfect male leading star was in it...John Malcovich (whom I adore!!).....So what a surprise to find this post today in one of my favorite blogs.....Interesting....(however, I must confess, I'd heard this 'news' already)...but I was equally entertained by the fact that I'd JUST viewed this movie today...hmmm...what would Jung make of this!?!? :))

Oh well....here's to you, 'Acidman'!!! :))

Friends, yoga, and other essentials...

I had a friend, Linda, who was tragically killed in a car accident in August, 2000. She was my one 'healthy' friend. I feel it's okay now to say that I met her in a CoDa group. Our friendship was formed there, grew from there, and lasted until her death a number of years later. We experienced many challenges during the time I knew her: empty nest, separation in marriage, suicide, you name it, we experienced it together. We had some meaningful and positive experiences also. We managed to find healthy ways to relate and survive.

We took long walks at the track and in the woods which included long running conversations. We socialized together with people who shared our desire to discover all that was good in life. We embraced each other's family and friends and did many things together. We laughed and cried together. We danced and sang together. We enjoyed good music and good meals or a single cup of coffee together. Sometimes we had dessert only. We got in touch with our 'inner child' at times and colored in coloring books or went to the park to swing or play in the sandbox. We took long trips and sometimes just day trips together. In short, we sought always to find the highest good in all circumstances. We covered it all. We shared secrets and pondered the meaning of life and love together. And unfortunately, we experienced death together when her husband took his own life just six years before her death.

In a relatively short time, I realized the most profound experiences a friendship could offer. It was so deep and so lasting, I feel she is still with me today. There is even evidence of such, as I understand it...but that is something I will share later. I will just say that I 'asked' her to leave a 'sign' that she is present, and well, 'she has done' just that, imo, so I know she continues to be very near. But for those of you who are skeptics, I'll just say that she will always be in my heart.

Anyway, prior to her death, we had researched and decided on a place to begin practicing yoga again (I'd been a student in the past, but my instructor moved away, so I did not continue my practice.). We were going to take a class in basic computer skills at a nearby community college also. It would be our New Year's resolution...to have this all in place at the beginning of 2001. We did our homework, we were ready, but that year never came for her.

I managed to come to terms with her death....it is something we'd experienced before...how to do that..and I knew she would expect no less from me than she had managed after her husband's death. But I found it difficult to walk on the track again, or take those classes we'd decided on. In fact, I was newly separated when she died, and I spent the next four years or so struggling with a pending and eventual divorce.

Today, with all of this behind me, I thought about my own health and happiness again. I thought of this another 'new year', and took out a Yoga DVD that has been collecting dust on the shelf for some time now. I put it in the DVD player, hit the play button, and yes, I participated in my first a.m. yoga session for this year....the first in many years now, and I thought of Linda........

'Namaste'

Just a word (...and you know how much 'just a word' means to me)....

I'm not wanting to write about the things I have on the agenda...no, instead I am reading over my old blogs and putting my life in perspective in this first month of the new year...and this thought flitted through my mind....

In a phone conversation with a friend in the wee hours of Sunday morning...I was told that I am sometimes 'so cute'...HA!! Seldom have I heard that, though I must admit I have....The words popped into my head just now as I was reading over my old blogs....and I laughed. Are these blogs 'cute'?! Am I, really? I don't see myself that way, but maybe the message is to 'lighten up' and just be...whoever I am..and feel....whatever I feel. It's okay, huh?!!

Another friend came by last Thursday to exchange belated Christmas gifts...and imprinted on the gift bag she chose were those very words....'Lighten Up' (There was a well-lit Christmas tree on the bag also.)!!! I suppose this should be my mantra for now.

Thanks to both these friends for the words they share and for being in my life providing good and positive support. You, and your words of encouragement, are appreciated.

Life is good!!! :))

Good Morning!!!! (It's the sound of my daily 'wake-up' call I hear!!!)

The crows were delivering their ritualistic cawing in the distance early this morning...beginning about an hour or two ago....Then they flew in closer....This daily wake-up alarm seems to begin with one strong call...then another weaker sounding response echoes. They are nearer now...sounds as if they are flying close to the deck...and 'Tapper' has already made it to the high windowsill where he lands each day to urge me out of bed with his 'tap, tap, tapping'....probably hoping I'll add some new treat to his feeding dish!! Ahh....the simple pleasures of life......

Dan Dafoe? Willem Fogelberg?

Why is Dan Fogelberg, Willem DaFoe?

Why is Willem DaFoe, Dan Fogelberg?

(Ha!!! This one made it through the 'grapevine' from my son to my daughter to me, and now to you!!) :))

Di is going.......

....'footloose and fancy-free'....ha!!

*Note to Self*:

(Fetishes, especially relating to 'feet', seem to be shared amongst bloggers everywhere, as do weekly posts of various other fetishes...hmmm... So, recover all those pics of the magnificent pedicures received from former manicurist, and friend, Peggi....and the various other pics of feet collected....perhaps a post now and then will change the flow a bit....Also...find a link for 'Hoppy'.....and take pics of BOTH cats to post!! Oh....and pics of the rocking chair over the rail series...So many posts, so little time....)

'Tapper'....

....and his flock are becoming friendlier...more trusting, if you will.....My friend who owns a pet crow predicted this.....He said they would begin to come closer and would eventually remain in my presence. He also informed me that they would alter their calls...maybe even try to mimic my voice...The funny thing is...they are making sounds similiar to a cat. I have two fat cats that have discovered the feasts I leave on the deck table for the crows...they are indulging themselves as well. The crows don't seem to mind, in fact, they are known to share their 'prey'. So I'm assuming they are using a bit of cunning in order to retain their place at the feast....

Anyway...today as I was watering some plants inside the family room, I glanced out the window onto the deck. There I noticed one of the crows in the flowerbox having it's fill....for once it did not fly away, and I believe this is the closest I've been to one so far. It stayed long enough for me to take several photos. So....I thought it may be fun to keep my log of such events here...In time, I hope to be this close without a window between us. I'll keep ya posted....in the meantime, they are still tapping on the windowpane each morning...now moreso than ever before...I think they're enjoying the remains of the holidays!! :))



(Here's looking at you, Ken!!) ;-)

A Stroll Down Memory Lane.....

Now and then I browse through the blogs I've discovered to be interesting or entertaining or passed along by friends....In one such blog I discovered some photos of interest because they were taken in a location that I know quite well, even though I've only visited the city once. It's one of those places you are not likely to forget. It has a unique and intriging atmosphere....From glancing at the photos, I knew right away where the people in them were standing....I'd been there myself....

The city is Savannah, Georgia...and rather than elaborate about the city itself....I just want to make a note of my favorite memory from that visit....It was one of the last trips I made with my ex, his partner and wife, but that aside....the highlight for me was discovering a restaurant that is tops on my list over any other anywhere. Mind you, I am not addicted to food, just the opposite, which makes this even more memorable....I appreciate good food, and coming from the deep south myself, I enjoy nothing more than a traditional home-cooked meal...This restaurant served up home-cooking at it's best, and well, left me feeling something like (on the right click on the 'QuickClip': "I'll have....") Meg Ryan portrayed in 'When Harry Met Sally'....who knew (okay...this attachment thingy is not working so..click on 'Fun Features' on the left and then take note of: "Did You Know?"...sorry to make you work, but trust me, it's not as much as I did searching for these links....) food could REALLY create such a feeling?! I actually had to excuse myself and retreat to the ladies room for a splash of water to my face....('had to be the 'special combination of select herbs' applied to the roasted duck recipe (From the _Savannah Seasons_ cookbook, page 346 of the Index, 'Duck Two Ways: Crisped and Crumbed', found on page 202-3), a dish I'd never tasted before and will NEVER forget..ha!!

Moving right along (whew!)....I will leave you with the name of the restaurant and would encourage you to dine there should you ever visit the lovely city of Savannah.....trust me, a visit is certain to provide an experience you will never forget...Oh....it happened at 'Elizabeth on 37th'.

yoUsed

Cute lil play on words, don't ya think?! That is how I feel today, and on lots of days of my life, really. What's new?! I've had people tell me they noticed the word 'Welcome' imprinted on my forehead..hello!

Why do I continue to make myself available for 'use'?! What am I afraid I'll lose if I don't allow it? (Don't get me wrong, it's typically a 'two-way street'...(Ha!! Is that term followed by 'desire'?! Hmmm!!))

In the past few days, I felt I had a few decent blogs tossing around in my head....part of the time I did not have access to my computer...another time I was enroute to a nearby town, and did not find the time to blog....Actually, the first was going to be entered on Wednesday, after I delivered and waited for another to meet an appointment...I was late picking him up, so he did not make his appointment (Sigh!! My bad!!), and even though I took my laptop, I did not get to blog since I was not waiting anywhere.....(ya, it IS a bit confusing....sort of like my life sometimes...)

That particular blog was going to be about a convo we'd had the previous evening concerning his response to my desire to know 'what was 'wrong' with me' (ya, loaded question, I know...)...and was told that I lacked 'foresight' and was a 'spend-thrift'....(Mind you, I was not upset about this....afterall, I asked for it...)

Later I was contemplating feelings of not being where I wish to be nor feeling the way I'd prefer to feel at this time in my life, and about the fact that many bloggers do not seem to be part of 'the norm', including myself...Prior to that I believe I was going to write about 'trust' (again in reference to the comments shared by my friend...about how a 'real friend' will tell you the 'truth'...etc.,)...but you know...many of these blogs require being 'in the moment' and writing from there....I suppose those particular moments have passed....

But this is not what I began writing about.....

However, I realize....I'm NOT in the mood to blog just now (perhaps THIS is the 'real' reason I have not blogged)...so...I think I will go and read a book I began.....grrrrr!!!!!!

I'm bored and restless......and sleepy too....hmm..maybe I should take a nap....I think I will......

Meltdown....

....yes, I seem to be having one....This is not altogether a bad thing...it feels more like a 'letdown'....I've felt the need to purge my body of all the toxins accumulated in the past few months....I've tried fasting, somewhat, but I find I am still craving sweets...Duh...I bought an entire coconut cake from the bakery....just as my holiday company was ready to depart...what WAS I thinking?! I could 'have my whole cake and eat it' too?! I suppose....I keep slicing off very thin pieces..one at a time....as if I'm not eventually going to eat an entire piece?!

My life feels that way somewhat...as if thin slices have been cut away...of late, I feel entire chunks missing...The holidays felt like that. Today I wonder if there will ever be a return to 'tradition' in my life. I worked so hard to make it seem important when we were a family. Did it not take?! Did I fail? I've failed somewhere along the way. Whether I deserve this or not...it is what I have...

Let me focus on what was right about the holidays. My son and his girlfriend came with a mostly positive attitude. She was ill, he was skeptical about how I've been spending my time, and was on my case about it for most of the initial visit. Then he mellowed somewhere near the end of his visit, and things changed for the better....we kind of 'met halfway', and we both rekindled the feelings we long to share utmost. She began to feel better health-wise, and near the end of the visit, we managed to create some 'quality time' enjoying the season.

I wish I could say the very brief visit with my daughter went as well, but alas, it did not. We continue to e-mail back and forth, and hopefully, time and effort will heal the wounds left by anger, hurt, and misunderstanding. This Christmas at home was just not meant to be with her.

I had occasion to speak with my ex about our daughter. Seems his solution to everything is to 'cut them off', encourage them to 'grow up' or for them to 'get over it'....I would agree under certain circumstances...they are, after all, young adults. But...well...he has this other family in his life...I believe that part of the angst surrounding this Christmas was the fact that he had talked up moving into a new home he was building for himself and this family (a woman whom is likely still married to another from all indications...)....of believing he was providing a 'home' for his own children as well...hello?! Previously he had talked about 'blending' the two sets of families, and I feel he thought this would do the trick...wrong!!? I seriously believe it's what ripped us ALL apart...

But wait....I won't blame him entirely....this notion may have become the excuse each of us has utilized in order to 'act out' our own personal feelings about becoming a family of divorce.....it gave us each the means to air our feelings of anger, hurt, etc. It gave us the opportunity to remove or place other people and places in our lives, and that has become both a blessing and a curse....but it is what it is....it has been trying....challenging...different...

So forget 'tradition'...there was nothing traditional about this holiday...all new for us....so am I having a 'meltdown'?! You bet I am...and I feel I have earned it....

Did I say I was going to focus on the positive? Okay..then back to it.

My son did seem to remain calm throughout the entire two weeks he was here. Once we got on track with one another and worked out our personal space in the house again, we found moments for sharing and reflecting...That was really nice.

During one of those times, over lunch, I believe, he explained where he derived this feeling of serenity...A few months back he attended an evening with the Dali Lama (check spelling/correct the first time, ha!)...and was in awe of his presence...(Ok..go get the dictionary...this is driving me insane...)...He was calm, serene, at peace with himself and in the world. He presented ideas that my son wishes to adhere to, it seems, and this is a good thing for him. Basically he taught my son to be considerate of others...including himself. To think of peace.....to practice living peacefully. How often do we think of Christmas as a time of peace, but fail to practice sharing or creating it? This was one of the finer moments of my holiday.

My son's girlfriend was exceptional in every way also. She is a child of divorce, and she relates all to well with our frustration just now. She is so supportive and receptive to understanding without criticism. I regret that she has entered at this stage of our lives, she deserves more from us....but who am I to question why these events occur as they do? Perhaps this is perfect timing? We relate....we comfort and appreciate one another...something many people cannot share. I am grateful for her. I am sorry that she was not well...I am sure being so far from her own family while not well, was a challenge. She was so mature about it, and did not let it stand in the way of embracing the moments we shared.

Then there were my son's friends old and new. Some from preschool days, others new friends from the internet even. They each found places to crash or just space to gather here in our home, and that is what this house represents....I hope it still feels like 'home' in that respect...which takes me back to the house being built by the ex.

I understand his desire to have it become a 'home' in that sense. I do hope he finds that feeling there, and maybe in time, our children will too. I'm just not so sure, and ok...I'll admit, part of me does not want that...but my head tells me it would be a good thing...so I will try to imagine it happening, and accept it....maybe my heart will catch up.

My daughter has signed a lease to move into her first house, ya...I'm thinking this is 'her' first house. She moves in this weekend...from all indications, it's a cute house...one that I will like. I'm eager to see it, and I hope she will be very happy there.

Okay, have I successfully turned my meltdown into something better? This entire thought process began when I crawled out of bed, yes, this late in the day...and into the kitchen. I began purging the frig' of old food, in search of something substantial...instead I had a slice of cake and then a coke float....I observed the crows tapping at the window and partaking of the food I'd place in the pan on the table on the deck....soup that was intended for my ailing friend and son's girlfriend that was leftover and spoiled....not to be wasted.....

While taking inventory of the frig', I dragged out the remains of cornbread dressing from the holiday feast we finally created....I was not so pleased with it this year....it's something my daughter typically helps to prepare...maybe that is why it did not reach it's full potential....it lacked her extra touch....Anyway, I am sure the crows will enjoy. I've begun purging my frig' and maybe in time, I will purge my body.....I suppose I'm just not ready yet, and that is okay too.

I suppose this theme is one my daughter is directing....she is insisting upon her space, understandably so, and we are required to follow suit....some cakes are not meant to be shared....and if I can't handle it myself...there are always the crows (they are walking around in the woods here beside the birdhouse post..can you find them?)....I am not alone......

Oops....

....I must have been sleeping when I was reading and later when I posted the last blog...I have not begun to read Freud yet...so the post about 'Two Kinds of Thinking' are Jung's theories....sheesh....wake up!!

(Correction made....but leaving the post as a testament to my imperfections!! Ha!!!) :))

Psychology

Based on two separate influences in my life, I purchased books last evening by Jung and Freud. Jung is of interest to me because I am consciously aware of the 'synchronicity' in my life...it happens so often and in such undeniable ways, that many of my friends joke about it when in my presence....they 'look' for it now when they are with me. Heck, it happened yesterday over lunch with one of the 'influences' present.

I read a line once that I use to explain it...(though I use it 'loosely').....Someone said that 'Prayer is our way of talking to 'God', and synchronicity is 'his' way of speaking to us.' I took it to mean that the 'powers that be' (even if that is just 'my unconscious mind') are pointing to a moment, an event, something going on in my life that needs attention....reminding me to slow down and take in the moment...figure out what needs to happen next....or what I need to clearly 'see' in that particular moment.....I'm not sure why these things occur...really...It appears Jung's theory is inconclusive as well...he just seems to point out the obvious...there are some things that happen to some people that cannot be written off as 'chance'...they are 'improbable'....Like Jung, I am not certain why they happen...HOW they happen, nor what they mean in the grand scheme of things.....I do find it fascinating to this day, that I notice how often they occur with me. I feel somewhat 'priviledged' to be aware....I'm not sure why?!

Anyway....I'm in the 'skimming stage' with these new textbooks...There were so many to choose from at the 'B&N Bookstore'...the shelves were full.....but I chose about three to four volumes of each author. We'll see how it goes.....if I will actually read one cover-to-cover....So far with Jung, I've covered only a section on synchronicity, as stated, and I've read a bit about his concept of the 'Two Kinds of Thinking'....and this was my personal conclusion based on just a couple of paragraphs....

I know that 'my' words do not always accurately reflect my 'thoughts'....I sit to write out a thought or feeling I have....just to realize so much is 'lost in the translation'...(ha!! yep...someone already produced THAT movie.....(I wonder if THEY followed Jung's concepts for the making of the movie?!) ) Anyway...while writing is therapeutic (*note* to self...look up the spelling of this word....I recently saw it spelled this way, and I realize that I have not included the second e in my spelling of it...), it is also frustrating at times, because what I think cannot always be constructed in writing...my thoughts seem to be richer than my words to describe them....words seem limited...Oh well....it was 'just a thought'..haha!!! I wanted to make note as I read....'thinking aloud', if you will....

I also wonder, that since I have not read any books on psychology/philosophy (per se') really, how many of my thoughts are still influenced by those who ARE well-read and have shared information based on these theories?!? Sometimes I read this 'stuff' and think...'Duh...hello....this is not so difficult to comprehend...I did not need a 'psychologist/philosopher' to explain this to me'....Soooo, the question is...Am I naive to think I arrived at my own conclusions without the influence of these 'great' minds?! Probably so...there is no way that I am NOT influenced since God knows who has shared thoughts and insights with me and what their sources were....etc...I have not 'lived in a void'....I have been influenced....most likely indirectly by even these two men.....so there....I suppose it does not matter....I will just read and learn and still continue to draw my own conclusions...and perhaps redefine or better define my own feelings and contemplations.....

Ok....back to my reading...this could take considerable time....

(*Note* to self....scan the covers of your books to share...maybe even links to the insights of these men....Sheesh...that takes time...so it will have to wait...for now...just leave your thoughts....)

***Mission accomplished with the aid of my new digital camera, Christmas gift from my son!! :))

It has come to my attention.....

....that another shares this birthdate....and he is a glorious 75 years old today!!!!
So here's to 'Mr. F'!!!!!
Have a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!! :))
(I'm feeling the urge to break into song...ha! Ahem (clears her throat..)....'It's a small world after all....la la la la la la la...it's a small world after all, it's a small, small world'!!!! It IS indeed!!!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KEN!!! (Imagine a cake here, if you will...)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR KEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!! (May all your 'wishes' come true!!) :))

Cinderella

Today I'm feeling a bit like 'Cinderella', or the girl who was not invited to the party, or the one chosen last for the 'team'. It's not the first time I've felt this way...it seems to be a running theme with me. Except in 'real life' there is no 'fairy godmother' or 'Prince Charming' to rescue you and give you dignity in the face of your 'evil step-sisters'..or your classmates, or whomever is there to witness your embarrassment.

Out With The Old....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!