Meltdown....

....yes, I seem to be having one....This is not altogether a bad thing...it feels more like a 'letdown'....I've felt the need to purge my body of all the toxins accumulated in the past few months....I've tried fasting, somewhat, but I find I am still craving sweets...Duh...I bought an entire coconut cake from the bakery....just as my holiday company was ready to depart...what WAS I thinking?! I could 'have my whole cake and eat it' too?! I suppose....I keep slicing off very thin pieces..one at a time....as if I'm not eventually going to eat an entire piece?!

My life feels that way somewhat...as if thin slices have been cut away...of late, I feel entire chunks missing...The holidays felt like that. Today I wonder if there will ever be a return to 'tradition' in my life. I worked so hard to make it seem important when we were a family. Did it not take?! Did I fail? I've failed somewhere along the way. Whether I deserve this or not...it is what I have...

Let me focus on what was right about the holidays. My son and his girlfriend came with a mostly positive attitude. She was ill, he was skeptical about how I've been spending my time, and was on my case about it for most of the initial visit. Then he mellowed somewhere near the end of his visit, and things changed for the better....we kind of 'met halfway', and we both rekindled the feelings we long to share utmost. She began to feel better health-wise, and near the end of the visit, we managed to create some 'quality time' enjoying the season.

I wish I could say the very brief visit with my daughter went as well, but alas, it did not. We continue to e-mail back and forth, and hopefully, time and effort will heal the wounds left by anger, hurt, and misunderstanding. This Christmas at home was just not meant to be with her.

I had occasion to speak with my ex about our daughter. Seems his solution to everything is to 'cut them off', encourage them to 'grow up' or for them to 'get over it'....I would agree under certain circumstances...they are, after all, young adults. But...well...he has this other family in his life...I believe that part of the angst surrounding this Christmas was the fact that he had talked up moving into a new home he was building for himself and this family (a woman whom is likely still married to another from all indications...)....of believing he was providing a 'home' for his own children as well...hello?! Previously he had talked about 'blending' the two sets of families, and I feel he thought this would do the trick...wrong!!? I seriously believe it's what ripped us ALL apart...

But wait....I won't blame him entirely....this notion may have become the excuse each of us has utilized in order to 'act out' our own personal feelings about becoming a family of divorce.....it gave us each the means to air our feelings of anger, hurt, etc. It gave us the opportunity to remove or place other people and places in our lives, and that has become both a blessing and a curse....but it is what it is....it has been trying....challenging...different...

So forget 'tradition'...there was nothing traditional about this holiday...all new for us....so am I having a 'meltdown'?! You bet I am...and I feel I have earned it....

Did I say I was going to focus on the positive? Okay..then back to it.

My son did seem to remain calm throughout the entire two weeks he was here. Once we got on track with one another and worked out our personal space in the house again, we found moments for sharing and reflecting...That was really nice.

During one of those times, over lunch, I believe, he explained where he derived this feeling of serenity...A few months back he attended an evening with the Dali Lama (check spelling/correct the first time, ha!)...and was in awe of his presence...(Ok..go get the dictionary...this is driving me insane...)...He was calm, serene, at peace with himself and in the world. He presented ideas that my son wishes to adhere to, it seems, and this is a good thing for him. Basically he taught my son to be considerate of others...including himself. To think of peace.....to practice living peacefully. How often do we think of Christmas as a time of peace, but fail to practice sharing or creating it? This was one of the finer moments of my holiday.

My son's girlfriend was exceptional in every way also. She is a child of divorce, and she relates all to well with our frustration just now. She is so supportive and receptive to understanding without criticism. I regret that she has entered at this stage of our lives, she deserves more from us....but who am I to question why these events occur as they do? Perhaps this is perfect timing? We relate....we comfort and appreciate one another...something many people cannot share. I am grateful for her. I am sorry that she was not well...I am sure being so far from her own family while not well, was a challenge. She was so mature about it, and did not let it stand in the way of embracing the moments we shared.

Then there were my son's friends old and new. Some from preschool days, others new friends from the internet even. They each found places to crash or just space to gather here in our home, and that is what this house represents....I hope it still feels like 'home' in that respect...which takes me back to the house being built by the ex.

I understand his desire to have it become a 'home' in that sense. I do hope he finds that feeling there, and maybe in time, our children will too. I'm just not so sure, and ok...I'll admit, part of me does not want that...but my head tells me it would be a good thing...so I will try to imagine it happening, and accept it....maybe my heart will catch up.

My daughter has signed a lease to move into her first house, ya...I'm thinking this is 'her' first house. She moves in this weekend...from all indications, it's a cute house...one that I will like. I'm eager to see it, and I hope she will be very happy there.

Okay, have I successfully turned my meltdown into something better? This entire thought process began when I crawled out of bed, yes, this late in the day...and into the kitchen. I began purging the frig' of old food, in search of something substantial...instead I had a slice of cake and then a coke float....I observed the crows tapping at the window and partaking of the food I'd place in the pan on the table on the deck....soup that was intended for my ailing friend and son's girlfriend that was leftover and spoiled....not to be wasted.....

While taking inventory of the frig', I dragged out the remains of cornbread dressing from the holiday feast we finally created....I was not so pleased with it this year....it's something my daughter typically helps to prepare...maybe that is why it did not reach it's full potential....it lacked her extra touch....Anyway, I am sure the crows will enjoy. I've begun purging my frig' and maybe in time, I will purge my body.....I suppose I'm just not ready yet, and that is okay too.

I suppose this theme is one my daughter is directing....she is insisting upon her space, understandably so, and we are required to follow suit....some cakes are not meant to be shared....and if I can't handle it myself...there are always the crows (they are walking around in the woods here beside the birdhouse post..can you find them?)....I am not alone......