'The Soft Parade'....

"When I was back there in seminary school

There was a person there

Who put forth the proposition

That you can petition the Lord with prayer

Petition the lord with prayer

Petition the lord with prayer

You cannot petition the lord with prayer"!

"Can you give me sanctuary

I must find a place to hide

A place for me to hide

Can you find me soft asylum

I can't make it anymore

The Man is at the door."

('The Soft Parade'--The Doors)

Earlier this afternoon....

....I heard a tap, tap, tapping at the window, but it was not familiar. No, this one was a lighter tapping, though there was considerable force to it. I went to check it out.....thinking that 'Tapper', my friendly crow, was seeking a new way to gain my attention by changing its technique.

I looked up and saw nothing...wait....a tiny little head above the lower molding on the far right of the windows....I ran for my camera, snapped one photo...and as if to make certain I was aware of its presence, the tiny chickadee raised its head a bit higher...to say...'I'm here....do something'!!

So, I snapped another pic, just to be sure I'd captured the small creature in the frame.....

.....and it indulged me by raising up just a bit higher......

I value this communication I have with my feathered friends....they keep me constantly intrigued and amused!! And, it seems, I have a new 'tiny Tapper'.....

It's a beautiful time of day....

...the sun is beginning to fade....there is a haze over the contents of my family room where the light is filtering in. There is a feeling of peace and serenity to the room...one that is warmly welcomed. I sit and bask in it for a moment and wish it could last forever......

A 'word to the wise'....

Good ole Ben (Franklin, that is)!! I've had this for a long time and found it stashed away in a drawer today....seems a good saying to share at this moment:

"Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones." (BF)

Call me insensitive...

..but I believe it's my ex who should be seen as this....I'm at home spending a cold, rainy, snowy and dreary weekend practically alone while my ex has paid for our children to join him along with his brother, likely his girlfriend and her kids for 'Spring Break' and 'Baseball Spring Training' at Disney in warm, sunny Orlando, Florida!

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they have the opportunity to have a good time, and can afford the days, and money, and consciences to go there and indulge themselves. What I don't appreciate is that this is the place where we went each Spring Break as a family. It's the place he and I went to for our honeymoon. It became a 'tradition' with OUR family to go to Disney. We reasoned there was always something new going on there to discover, and we wanted to experience it all as a family. It DID become our number one choice.

Now, if I had behaved so badly in my marriage that it justfied in anyone's mind being punished the way I feel I am, I could understand....maybe...but if that is how it works....I would NOT be the one punished. Yet, I do feel this way. Left out....devalued....ignored....and yes, treated in the most insensitive way. Vacation, if you must, just go to a different location, pahlease!

I'm sure the fun-filled week will fly by for you all, but for me, it will seem like an eternity. I am dealing with this heaviness in my chest, a lump in my throat, a knot in my stomach, that just won't go away. I go out, do other things, surround myself with people, and at the end of the day...it's all still there. Anything I do to rid myself of these feelings, seems so contrived.

'Change my thinking about it', some say....'choke it up'...'don't let HIM know it bothers you'....Sure...I'm the one who has to adjust....let's make it easy on him...as if he even notices or cares or gives ONE thought to how his actions affect another...If that were the case, there'd be no need for this post. And why have we been reduced to rewriting the truth as a means of coping?

Divorce sucks....even when you come to the realization you are better off without the jerk. There are still these moments, when the better part of your life together flashes before you, and you are the only one on the outside looking in.

Always a Giver?

If I value others more than myself, I'm certain others will place the same value on me as I have.

Yet another 'varmit visitor'.....

....this one used to steal the cats' food in the garage. Perhaps it has become too fat to squeeze through the doggy door there! Besides, 'Tapper's' food is much more convenient! I swear, the neighbors are gonna chase me out of the neighborhood, or just refer to me as the 'crazy, critter kook on the hill'!!

Typoglycemia...I have symptoms of this 'disorder'!!!

I found this hidden in my e-mail. Now I have an excuse!!

Typoglycemia

*Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it!*

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdaniegThe phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem atCmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn 't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in awrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer bein the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raedit wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed erveylteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition isarppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :-)~

*Amzanig huh? *

Yaeh, and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt...

I never thought...

...I would find myself speechless, but today this is exactly how I feel. Actually, as evidenced in my blog, I have felt this way for awhile now. I've pondered if it's because I feel intimidated by the host of very creative bloggers online, but I don't believe that is the reason. It's not that I don't have things on my mind to write about....perhaps it's just that I am at that place in life where I don't NEED to write about them. It's time to LIVE my life rather than spending time thinking about how to live it.

I have always been a person who thinks/labors through a situation before making a move...I am not much of a 'risk-taker'...I always consider the numerous consequences before taking action. Lately, I've become a bit bolder (by my standards) in my actions, which would still seem tame compared to the population as a whole. I've walked a down a path that I would not have chosen in the past....nothing risque, just daring for me. I feel a bit liberated, but mostly, I feel like a 'fish out of water'....like I don't belong there. Is this my 'fear' speaking or 'common sense'?

On thing I know....I don't have to spend weeks, days, hours, minutes, or even seconds pondering what my 'gut feeling' is (telling me) anymore....maybe I never did, really. Today, I find it easier to 'trust' it....in the past my writings were centered around 'trying to figure it all out'....thinking there had to be 'more' than what my instincts were telling me. Today, I know I can trust them and will be safe in following the 'messages' they deliver. In other words....I know to just live and enjoy the living! No need for all the analysis....all the thinking about 'what I should do'...or what another is doing and why...etc...I can just trust the process and flow with it.

This may be out of my 'comfort zone', but it's not a bad place to be...I know this. I just have to listen to that 'inner voice' and do what it's telling me...take a step out into the 'big world'....unafraid to set and follow my own standards...without comparing or constantly measuring every move I make. I have to feel good about myself....I can trust the 'voices in my head' today...they are my own...and they won't fail me.

See what I mean......

....about the porch?! Sigh.....

A window on my world......

...these two were nice.....

Our last snow was lovely....

...and if I must say so myself, this moment looks like a 'Norman Rockwell' one....The view from my front porch is truly breathtaking!! 'Come on up and 'sit a spell'!!! Haha!!! (I'm gonna run this 'Clampett' thing into the ground!!) :))

Speaking of friends.....

.....Tapper has another new one also....the 'varmits' are taking over....

The 'scavenger' has a name...

...'she' will be called 'Allison'....my 'sarcastic' friend chose this one (don't ask me why..but it suits...), ha!! ;-)

My scavenger.....

He? She? Dunno....the 'critter' needs a name....it seems to have found a home!!! :))

One snowy day....

...isn't he lovely?!

A few things I've learned so far....

Duh!! Some of this will seem like common sense, but well, not to this computer illiterate person!!

First I want to say that DELL tech support is the greatest, so far, though their marketing department is like any other sales department out to make a sale...they are trained well to do so, and that was my problem in the past...I attempted to buy a computer without enough knowledge. Yes, knowledge IS power!! I won't say more. Regardless, I bought my laptop from a local distributor of DELL computers...mistake....let's just say, he has NOT represented them well, and fortunately I have DELL tech on the phone helping me clean up behind him. I just hope it's in time to save my PCs....

I've learned a thing or two along the way, after about eight hours on the phone with several different tech people. For one, a wireless laptop is like a cell phone essentially, sometimes your connection is good, sometimes it is not. When you lose your signal, it's not the always a problem with the modem or the router..often the signal is just lost....unfortunately, frequently, so is the work you've spent considerable time on....like the many posts I attempted to leave here, or an e-mail that I devoted time and thought in writing.

I suppose there are worse things in life to lose....all in perspective. Being a 'hoarder' of all things written (yes, I've also read about and learned...while I've been absent from here and browsing thru the 'Barnes and Noble' bookshelves....that 'compulsive hoarding' is a true disorder....see what one can accomplish when not sitting at the PC so much?!), I am dismayed to learn I may have to save what I can on my computers, wipe out what is left, and reload/restore what I can. The thought truly challenges my desire to hold on to everything!!

I'd resorted to keeping a notebook (yes, using pen and paper) to get in touch with my 'need' to hold on to so many things, and 'walla', life has thrown this challenge my way...we'll see how I survive!! Perhaps I've subconsciously asked for this? Well, I'd decided to learn to let go, to reorganize my life, and become clutter-free...now I have my first opportunity!!

I do have my camera connected again, so I will post a couple of pics of my crows on the deck scavenging for food beneath our big snow a few weeks back. I have a new 'critter' now too.....seems a raccoon is taking care of the leftovers!! I'm beginning to feel like 'Elly May' with so many 'critters' a.k.a. 'varmits' hanging around!! Now I just need a 'cement pond' to make life sweet! Ha!!!

(*note to self*...share the story someday about your grandparents striking oil on their land...the TRUE 'Clampetts'....also...do a spell check on these names! ha!)

Have a great week people....I'm working on that myself!!! :))

Bummer!!

Of late, I've written several complete blog entries, only to have them lost to the cyberworld. I have three computers--I'm utilizing the oldest one--my ex had it custom built for me--it's rather archaic and very basic--yet it's the one that is functioning. With so many computers available, one would think I could manage to post a blog entry?!

Without going into detail, I will tell you my other two computers were more expensive and were meant to make up for NOT having 'the best' before. Ha!! Over time--actually, early on in my dealing with telephone representatives from the company where I purchased them--I began to refer to the experiences with the makers of my latter two as--'The Nightmare From DELL' (Can I be sued for this?) It's true, I even wrote to 'Mr. Michael' himself in the aftermath of that time and used those very words to describe my frustration with 'his people'. Let's just say that from them I learned the meaning of terms like 'bait and switch' , among other tatics.

Add to those experiences, a load of technical problems--though the live representative who is supposedly helping me through my latest challenges blames 'MSN' for the most recent crisises. It's enough to force one to bring out the old pen and paper--wait--I DID that yesterday when I saw my blogger was not going to post--I got to the last paragragh and the page just disappeared!! We call this 'progress'?!

Anyway--this is why I'VE disappeared!! The tech guy will be here again today to try to salvage my laptop from the grips of a 'worm' that infected it--along with the 'cable guy' (ha!)--as if things were not bad enough, we discovered my modem provided by the cable company was also ancient and ineffective--the cable people ran a check of the records and verified the unbelievable number of times it had shutdown over the past few years actually--which cost me hours of writing time--and a loss of numerous manuscripts--so I will get a new modem too, at last!!

Keep your fingers crossed--I've lost track of whom to blame--I just hope somebody takes some responsibility today and restores my faith!! (Oh...and also my PCs!!) :))