I never thought...
...I would find myself speechless, but today this is exactly how I feel. Actually, as evidenced in my blog, I have felt this way for awhile now. I've pondered if it's because I feel intimidated by the host of very creative bloggers online, but I don't believe that is the reason. It's not that I don't have things on my mind to write about....perhaps it's just that I am at that place in life where I don't NEED to write about them. It's time to LIVE my life rather than spending time thinking about how to live it.
I have always been a person who thinks/labors through a situation before making a move...I am not much of a 'risk-taker'...I always consider the numerous consequences before taking action. Lately, I've become a bit bolder (by my standards) in my actions, which would still seem tame compared to the population as a whole. I've walked a down a path that I would not have chosen in the past....nothing risque, just daring for me. I feel a bit liberated, but mostly, I feel like a 'fish out of water'....like I don't belong there. Is this my 'fear' speaking or 'common sense'?
On thing I know....I don't have to spend weeks, days, hours, minutes, or even seconds pondering what my 'gut feeling' is (telling me) anymore....maybe I never did, really. Today, I find it easier to 'trust' it....in the past my writings were centered around 'trying to figure it all out'....thinking there had to be 'more' than what my instincts were telling me. Today, I know I can trust them and will be safe in following the 'messages' they deliver. In other words....I know to just live and enjoy the living! No need for all the analysis....all the thinking about 'what I should do'...or what another is doing and why...etc...I can just trust the process and flow with it.
This may be out of my 'comfort zone', but it's not a bad place to be...I know this. I just have to listen to that 'inner voice' and do what it's telling me...take a step out into the 'big world'....unafraid to set and follow my own standards...without comparing or constantly measuring every move I make. I have to feel good about myself....I can trust the 'voices in my head' today...they are my own...and they won't fail me.
I have always been a person who thinks/labors through a situation before making a move...I am not much of a 'risk-taker'...I always consider the numerous consequences before taking action. Lately, I've become a bit bolder (by my standards) in my actions, which would still seem tame compared to the population as a whole. I've walked a down a path that I would not have chosen in the past....nothing risque, just daring for me. I feel a bit liberated, but mostly, I feel like a 'fish out of water'....like I don't belong there. Is this my 'fear' speaking or 'common sense'?
On thing I know....I don't have to spend weeks, days, hours, minutes, or even seconds pondering what my 'gut feeling' is (telling me) anymore....maybe I never did, really. Today, I find it easier to 'trust' it....in the past my writings were centered around 'trying to figure it all out'....thinking there had to be 'more' than what my instincts were telling me. Today, I know I can trust them and will be safe in following the 'messages' they deliver. In other words....I know to just live and enjoy the living! No need for all the analysis....all the thinking about 'what I should do'...or what another is doing and why...etc...I can just trust the process and flow with it.
This may be out of my 'comfort zone', but it's not a bad place to be...I know this. I just have to listen to that 'inner voice' and do what it's telling me...take a step out into the 'big world'....unafraid to set and follow my own standards...without comparing or constantly measuring every move I make. I have to feel good about myself....I can trust the 'voices in my head' today...they are my own...and they won't fail me.
posted by Di at 11:02 AM
4 Comments:
It comes and it goes doesn't it! i like your spirit. just write it and don't give a damn how it comes out. forget about the analysis.
(To your 15 March Comment)
Who are you afraid of offending?
You lay your feelings out on the table, and friends get a better insight as to what is going on to make you behave the way you do. I can't imagine true friends would be put off by anything you might write.....and those that are would certainly come to you to try to sort things out.
From my point of view, putting your thoughts out for others to see has to be cathartic for you, and educational for those that know you.
Blog on, girl!
Hi,
I found your blog from Shawn.
I thought this post was interesting because I felt like I was reading something that I wrote that you copied and pasted. Weird... I'm a Cancer to with the same tendencies to analyze things far too much before making a move/decision. I thought that the character trait was as a result of an incident as a 9-year-old child. After months of neglect, I called the police because my parents weren't taking care of me and my 7 brothers and sisters. As a result of that phone call we ended up in worse circumstances for the next 4 years living separately in foster homes.
As an adult I have been paralyzed at times in making decisions allowing negative situations to go on and on. I often think from that early experience that things would have been different if I had just waited a little longer before making that call. I don't need that coping mechanism anymore. But your post reminded me of what it has been like living with that scenario and how it affected my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters...
Thanks for your understanding, Ruby. I appreciate your ability to relate to my feelings.
You know, you must put the decision you made in perspective. As a nine year old, you made an intelligent decision to bring attention to the fact you were being neglected and deserved better. It's a pity that the services rendered did not provide what you sought for yourself and your siblings. I'm sure you felt twice betrayed. I still say it took great courage and plenty of self-esteem on your part to seek a solution. You should be proud of the sense of self you possessed, not only for yourself, but for your entire family. I hope you will let go of the feeling that what you did was wrong...I know it felt right at the time, and it should have been reinforced by the adults who became responsible for your care.
Amazing that in our efforts to become 'better adults' than the ones who were responsible for our well-being years ago, we continue to struggle with the greater responsibility they gave us when we were far from being 'adult enough' to make such tough decisions, leaving us to feel we'd made poor choices. We should never have been forced to make those kinds of decisions at such an early age. In fact, we should never have been treated with such disregard ever. The wounds run deeper than one can imagine or understand...they are not outwardly visible, but they are so debilitating. It's a feeling/burden no one should carry.
I DO hope you find peace and a way to replace that feeling. You did the best you could to solve the problem...it was a very wise decision. Too bad others did not provide the means to make it seem that way in reality.
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