Haven't you heard??!?!

Bird is the word....

...according to Kanoni's new friend....'Talking Elmo'!!

Kanoni loves new toys....

......what a beautiful bird!!!!

Is it just me, or do others also find...

that when something effects a change in your life, you no longer know how to communicate yourself to others? I'm not certain who I am any longer. This is not a bad thing, but relating has become difficult. If I don't know the person I'm becoming, how am I to convey myself to others? I need to get to know this 'emerging person' before I know how to share the changes taking place. It's a little discomforting, yet exciting, all at the same time.

Apprehensive would best describe how I feel about this. Do I remain silent? Is it best to internalize the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing, until I decide whether or not to share them? Perhaps. But I am one prone to a lot of internalizing, to the point of making myself ill, blaming myself or holding myself accountable for all the situations in my life that demand attention. I conclude, unnecessarily, that I am the one expected to solve any issue that it seems I can. So, moving things out of my mind is best for my psyche....otherwise I could go in circles over-analyzing something.

Silence, even in my own mind, however, appeals to my senses. The thought of shutting down, cocooning, hibernating, sleeping through the changes and just emerging, is intriguing. I don't have to explain myself, my silences, or my need to recoup and grow as I change. I CAN just do it and be at peace within myself....no need for explanation. Yes, that thought is satisfying.

I think of my 'feathered and furry' friends, and how they are far less demanding of me, or so it feels. Give them the basics in life, and they have nothing but gratitude and appreciation for you. If only my human friends were so easily impressed. The only worry, where my 'pets' are concerned, is that I find a little time to spare for them....that I carve out some space in my day to just show up. They are happy with this, and reward me with their own special feedback...always fulfilling. Oh that everyone could be pleased so easily!!!

I'm certain that the feeling must begin with me...I must be pleased first with myself, how I spend my time, and what I decide to give to others. If I need time to absorb my changes, so be it. It seems necessary for me to accept my personal changes if I am to be confident in presenting myself anew. I've just got to get comfortable with NOT knowing who I am right now. Can any of you relate to this feeling?

Bird & daughter...compatible!!

'Kanoni' loves music, especially my daughter's.

I'm hoping when Kanoni finds a voice, it will mimic my daughter and serenade me in her absence.

Greys form attachments so quickly...Kanoni missed the newly discovered musical family member right away after she left.

Kanoni has discovered 'sis' on the net, and happily listens to her whenever she pleases now!! :))

A new chapter....

I feel like I began a new chapter in my life when recently at the hospital, I experienced a 'drug overdose' intended to convert my irregular heart rhythm to a regular/sinus rhythm. I looked 'death' in the face, and decided I was not ready to meet it. Fortunately, my determination to survive was met by the competent hospital crew at my bedside.

Today, in the aftermath, I'm wondering if I've really changed? How easy it would be to 'forget' the experience and fall back into the same ole routine. Change requires embracing the reality of what happened and keeping it at the forefront of my mind. It would be much easier to cope with denial, forget the pain. How will this change manifest?

Last night I was aware of two elderly men alone in different settings. One was in a restaurant. It seems he was a 'regular', he knew the menu without picking it up, and made some specific requests and changes. He seemed to almost make a 'game' of discussing this with the waitress...letting her know how much he knew about what he wanted to order. For some reason I felt sad for him. I wondered, could I ever just go over and invite a total stranger to join me at my table, so that he could actually have a conversation with some depth? Mind you, I'm aware that he may have been 'in his element' with things just the way they were, but what harm would there be in finding out?

The other man was in 'Staples' returning some kind of cartridge that was damaged. He appeared slightly infirmed. He was polite to the young female clerk, commenting on her shell necklace, in the midst of painstakingly explaining exactly what was wrong with the item. He seemed to be enjoying having someone to talk to about this mundane exchange, despite the fact that the clerk had no issue with his return and there was a long line of people waiting behind him. I felt he, too, just wanted to be heard.

Moments like these do not escape me since my recent ordeal. Whether we depend on a medical team for survival, or desire feedback to a blog from our readers, or consideration from a waitress in a restaurant, or understanding from the clerk in the store, we all want to feel our existence is acknowledged, worthwhile. You cannot look at someone and know where they've been or what they have survived, but perhaps you can let them know you care in some small way. Today, this seems more important than ever. Perhaps my new chapter begins with this awareness.

There was a moment.....the room went grey...

...I didn't experience a 'light at the end of the tunnel' exactly, but I do feel that I had as close to a 'near-death experience' as I care to.

For those who keep up with me enough to realize I was absent for a few days, I want to share this with you. Yet today, I don't have the words to explain it. Perhaps I have not had enough time to absorb it all. I'm feeling rather weary in the aftermath of the ordeal just now. For once, I am silenced by the stark reality I've faced. My body is tired and aching...my mind is shutdown a bit...maybe because there is too much to take in all at once. So I will go with that feeling and not force myself to share just now.

I will share that I was in the hospital, by way of an ambulance to the emergency room (a first for me), Wednesday through Friday. On Thursday, I received a dose of medication as part of the treatment to convert my heart from irregular rhythm to normal/sinus rhythm. Apparently, the dose was too large for my body to tolerate, so my blood pressure dropped extremely low requiring a team of doctors, nurses, and other hospital personnel to keep it from bottoming out. Fortunately, they were successful.

Depending on who you ask and what their position was in my treatment/care, there were varying stories to explain what happened. I've gone over and over it with the hospital staff and the cardiologist, as well as in my own mind, and will save the details until later.

'Good news is I am here to tell the story. Eventually, I will. I had a rather frightening and painful experience, however, and I will leave it behind with the wish that when it IS my time to exit, I will do so in my sleep.

Birdbath?!?!

Quite literally, my bird experienced its first bath in my tub here at home on Saturday. I've read that Greys enjoy a splash in the bathtub or even in the shower. I decided to move slowly. It enjoys perching on ceramic bowls, so I began with this approach. I'd placed the bowl of water in its cage for a few days, then moved it to the tub until it made the adjustment. I'm finding, however, that this bird is making all adjustments quite well. I think it is so bright and curious, that it welcomes each new adventure.

Needless-to-say, 'Kanoni' (meaning 'little bird' in African) loved the water!!!

The Hidden Letter....

I came downstairs to my office to create a blog that I felt would need to be hidden in my drafts. There were three comments waiting for me from a 'fellow-blogger' that were a godsend. Funny how life works out that way sometime.

I was going to write a letter to a friend outlining the reasons (I see that) he and I have chosen to carry on a 'dysfunctional' relationship. Because I'm feeling a bit more focused today than usual, it was very clear to me this morning. But after reading the comments in my email/blog (basically mirroring back to me that I DO have insight...the ability to see things as they really are, even when they seem to be hidden from me) I realize now, the letter would contain a lot of 'rationalization' and carry a desire on my part to appear 'knowledgeable'...in other words....'not as stupid as I feel I appear/am behaving'.

It would probably become a letter with more of the 'ranting and raving' I'm so 'good' at, not unlike what was previously displayed in this blog, only with a different name attached. That 'I' know the truth would not provide the complete solution I'm seeking, unless I am ready to take action and bring about the logical change that needs to occur. I can invite the other to participate in creating a satisfying change for both of us, but it's likely that he's comfortable with things as they are....I know I would be...at least temporarily....so I won't get any support there for what I am lacking, because HE is not (lacking). HELLO!!! Been there, huh?! I seem to 'live' there.

My commenter, who by the way, only clicked onto my blog through the link at 'blogspot', did NOT leave any comments until I contacted him after reading HIS blog upon finding it through my good ole 'sitemeter' (see, I told you life has a funny way sometimes of taking us where we need to be and when...(and if anyone followed the opening sentence to this paragraph...you're GOOD!!) )...anyway, he's 'painstakingly' (for many reasons I know this to be true) reading through my entire blog, it seems, and has asked to hear how the 'Christmas Story' ended.

I am now challenged to reread my own posts, so that I can try to follow a logical sequence to provide the proper ending (Yes, 'Virginia' (ha!), there is one, and it unfolded ONLY recently). I DO have this tendency to ramble on and on....oftentimes losing my original train of thought. So, my challenge is to become more focused, more coherent! I'll 'begin' when I provide the 'ending' he asked for.

Meanwhile, the hidden letter can wait! I've got other work to do!!

'Who loves ya baby'?!?!

What a cutie, huh?! It's on my shoulder as 'we' type!! It's met 'Tapper', and they just mutually flapped their wings at one another!! All is well in our world!! :))

The Timneh!!

Well...here it is!! Decisions, decisions!!

It seems to prefer women...it is not aggressive (meaning it did not bite even when provoked)....it's calm and yet, curious. Needless-to-say, the visit today went well!!

Speaking of flyin' creatures....

...I'm actually thinking of obtaining an indoor 'feathered friend'!! I'm not acting impulsively. I saw it about a week ago at the pet shop. I did not go there with the intention of bringing home a pet (Do 'we' ever?). I left without the thought of acquiring a new pet. This is the good news.

But then, the thought of this bird kept entering my mind. 'It was a very calm bird. It's a beautiful bird. It's alive and will keep me company...heck, it will even talk to me (it has a vocabulary of possibly one hundred words). It is intelligent (about as intelligent as a four year old child). It won't have to be trained to go out. It won't have to sit in my lap'....I began to 'reason' (?!?!).

The 'rational' side of such 'reasoning' kicked in, too....'You have 'feathered friends' that require no space inside your house. Their upkeep is minimal...just a bit of food each day. You will have no freedom to come and go. It will require constant care and attention.'

I've talked with a few people who have birds as pets. No one who has them says 'no' to owning one, in fact, they have high praise for them. I've done my reading (I bought a handbook) and surfed the net for information. Nothing grossly negative anywhere.

The pet shop is compiling a price list for me of all the necessary accessories and supplies the bird will need, along with the prices for upkeep, and for the bird itself, of course. Maybe this 'reality' will give new perspective.

Maybe I'll go visit it today. Perhaps I can take a pic to share....and tomorrow?! Who knows....I will be 'birdless'.....or....NOT?!

(Its an African Grey Parrot, btw!! Any input for me out there in 'blogworld'?! Comments welcomed on this one!!!)

Look closely....

There's a new critter buzzin' around.....

Then & Now...

....the world was a bit frosty a month ago.....

~~~now~~~

...it's bloomin' April Fools' Day!!