"Leaving On A Jet Plane"

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye"

"But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die..."



.....I remember holding my firstborn when he was a very tiny baby...and shedding tears of joy....he was so precious...so beautiful.....I knew those moments would be fleeting. On this day, I felt the full impact of that day. Look closely and you'll see the inside of the airport with 'mom's' image reflected in the glass that looks out at her son's departing plane. If you could look closer....you would see yet another tear as she catches a glimpse of that first moment...staring back at her.

I'm feeling blue today....

...thanks to the view from my front porch (they don't call them the 'Blue Ridge' for nothing)!! I AM (literally) feeling a bit 'under the weather', but there's no better cure than the view surrounding me. I'm fortunate in this way. Pull up a rocker and join me, won't you?!

While channel-surfing with the TV remote recently, I paused on the latest Barbara Walter's Special about 'Heaven'. Her guests were varied, from celebrities to ordinary people, and some were sharing near-death experiences in an effort to explain why they feel there is a heaven. One said that when she 'died', she entered a peaceful place she would never forget, a place where the sky was a breathtaking shade of blue...so beautiful, she could not describe it in words except to label it 'heaven'. From where I sit, I think maybe there IS such a thing as 'heaven on earth'?!

I remember another 'blue' day from my past....it was the day after my paternal grandmother died. She was diabetic and based on past experience, I am sure she'd indulged herself (her insulin level was extremely high when she died) over the holidays...she did love sweets (possibly she was granted one last opportunity to enjoy?!)!! Actually, she died of a heart attack...the problems began the night before....so my aunt spent the night with her with a promise she'd see a doctor the following day. My grandmother had convinced herself she was just suffering from indigestion (perhaps feeling a little 'guilty' knowing she'd eaten 'forbidden fruit' previously--or possibly that's just what she wanted all to believe), who knew? Still she was restless throughout the night, and I'm told she trekked to the sofa several times (typically) where my aunt was sleeping to make certain she was covered and warm.

My grandmother died the following day on her birthday, January 18, which was also my dad's birthday. As we drove out of town to gather with family in her memory, I recall the sky being an even bolder shade of blue than the one I see today. It seemed so fitting...I'd often seen her wearing such a lovely shade of blue in her wardrobe....the color seemed to 'spell her name' across the skies. I will never forget it for it was such a suitable tribute to her as we traveled for miles and miles to reach our destination. Maybe the 'heavens; DO open up when one is ready to enter. When looking back, I like to remember her that way.

I find myself humming a song from the past.....John Denver's words truly seem accurate today....."Almost heaven, (West) Virginia....Blue Ridge Mountains....."

It's a beautiful winter day.....

....that feels a bit more like an Indian Summer kind of day. It provided the perfect opportunity to accomplish a chore I've neglected for weeks now....removing the pumpkins and corn stalks from the front porch and beside the lamp post in the yard. I'm amazed the neighbors have not complained! While all around me are lights of red and green, I'm still glowing orange and brown....well, not anymore.

Removing the pumpkins was no small feat. They were large, for one thing, and they were squishy...ewww!! I always purchase lots of them too, because they become a feast for the creatures that live in my yard and the surrounding woods.

I was greeted with this sight when I approached the porch to remove the pumpkins. The one small attempt I'd made at decorating for Christmas lay shattered on the floor. It reminded me of how I've felt about my life these past few years, especially the recent two, post-divorce. Today, I just picked up the pieces that had fallen from my wreath and moved on. Things change...nothing stays the same, and on this day I'm okay with that.

There is a quivering in my chest after loading and unloading the 'food stuff', which I now know is an atrial fibrillation, but I'm not as worried about that either as I may have been in the past. It was worth it to get my heart pumping, and it's not going to kill me....even if it did....today, I'm okay with that too!!!

It's a glorious, beautiful day. It reminds me that I need to breathe now and then, to work and to play, now and then. As I breathed in the sights and the sounds and the scent of the woods around me, I was grateful for the life I live. There were reminders of the past everywhere I looked, but at last I'm feeling at peace with this. The winds seemed to whisper the very same sentiment of 'peace on earth, goodwill toward men'.

Happy Holidays!!!!!!!

Waking up at home the day after my dad's surgery.....

The day I arrived home (Friday) was the day my dad was scheduled to have open-heart surgery. The hospital is an hour away, so we drove back and forth initally. The first day involved waiting in the critical care lobby with family while the surgery took place. We all were allowed to visit with him briefly that night in pairs. One of my sisters spent the night with my mom in the waiting room while the rest of us went home for the night. I can't ever remember a time waking up in my childhood home without my parents there. Once again, this time in the early morning hours (Saturday) while the sun was still sleeping, I took out my pen and notebook to document the feeling. I was interrupted by my younger sister before the post was completed, but this is what I managed to capture:

"I awake to deafening silence, replacing the sounds of life so easily taken for granted--like mom in the kitchen quietly clanging pots and pans while cooking up something to give us a reason to move out of bed. Absent is dad's gentle padding about (making himself busy in whatever way he can, waiting for the cues that will guide his day until he finds refuge elsewhere), replaced instead with a thrashing about as he fights to reclaim the life he so badly wants to continue."

"Hospitals provide a kind of education made necessary by moments like these. Words like blood clot, heart attack, blood thinners, clogged/blocked arteries, atrial fibrillation, a critical care unit, quadruple bypass suddenly take on new meaning. The good news is that his heart was in 'sinus rhythm' when we left the hospital last night, but he was painfully struggling to consciously return to a ravaged body that can only heal with the help of his strong constitution."

Waiting....

In the initial hours after receiving the news about my dad's heart attack, before I knew what would take place next, many thoughts were running through my mind. I arrived early at the airport with time on my hands while waiting for my flight out. I pulled out a pen and notebook and jotted down these thoughts:

" My dad is fighting for his life,and I'm stuck here at the airport, party to the chatter all around me, though I'm not the least interested in what others have to say. I feel like a forced 'eavesdropper' to the things they are sharing--cut-throat businessmen--making deals by cell phone--one-upping one another--Thank God I don't have their jobs! They are writing/dictating proposals while I search for words to offer to God in exchange for my dad's next breath--"

The kindness of 'strangers'.......

As many of you may know by now, my dad had quadruple bypass surgery which included a separate procedure to correct an atrial fibrillation. There were times in the past when I would take note of people online who, in the midst of what seemed to be the greatest crisis, found time to be online. I will admit, there were times I was skeptical about this behavior and wondered if their stories were true, and if so, why would they take time to share them online (I thought maybe they were people just desperate for attention, or people who didn't have anyone else in their lives to care about them). Now I understand.

First of all, it's grounding. My online time is part of my routine. Returning to this routine in my quiet time at the hospital was a great relief....it's the part of 'home' I could take with me and return to when I needed an escape. And it gave me a connection to the world outside of the experience inside the hospital. It provided me with friends offering encouragement and support at a time when my family needed it most. It was a source of great comfort.

I'm grateful for all your comments, e-mails, phone calls, prayers, and good wishes during this time. They truly sustained me through a challenging time in my life and that of my family, especially my dad. When he was feeling well enough, I distracted him with my blog and the pics I posted of him with my mom. I read to him the words left by all of you who took the time to care. He was touched and amazed.

I know people question why we post such personal information here for the world to see. I like to believe it brings us closer in this world when we find ways to share common feelings and experiences, even with 'strangers'....I think our world needs more of this. There is such a focus on all the horror and devastation in the world, why not share real-life experiences of trials and survival and caring and concern.

Many of you wrote about your own experiences with open-heart surgery. Your stories became a guideline. I was reassurred, rather than alarmed, when my dad manifested the same behaviors as those you all described. I appreciate the networking that took place. The best in all of us surfaced and provided comfort and reassurance that helped to get me through a challenging time. For that I am truly grateful, and I can't thank you enough.

Family Gatherings

In our family a gathering of any sort becomes a time to deal with unresolved issues once again. We're all aware there are times more appropriate than others for doing this, but it seems that when we are experiencing the greatest stress, those issues surface. Of course, that is when we need to draw upon our greatest resources, and when we feel inadequate, we look for the reasons why we feel this way, oftentimes blaming something or someone from our past. Also, if the person/persons are there before you to recreate those past experiences, it's difficult to ignore them. It challenges your very being.

This happened to me when I was home. I feel that I managed my reactions better this time than I have in the past, but no matter how old I am, how much I've changed and grown emotionally and otherwise, and despite the grave circumstances there to deal with, I become a 'child' again when home with the folks. There were a couple of brief encounters that left me feeling a bit ashamed of my responses, but overall, I feel I handled them well. But today I'm wondering if the exchanges were necessary at all?!

As I reflect upon them, I realize I am better at separating myself from the actions and behaviors of others. I believe I take personal responsibility for my own behavior without blaming someone else for how I respond or initiate in a situation. I see clearly how others have effected me in the past and how they continue to effect me in the present. It's good information to have, I suppose. I'm hoping to utilize this knowledge in ways that will help me to 'grow up', at last.

One important lesson I've learned this visit (reminds me of Oprah's 'One thing I know for sure' article in her magazine) is that time runs out too quickly.

Mom & Dad

Just a few years back, I introduced my parents to the webcam...needless-to-say...they were NOT shy.....













My mantra for the week has been....'be mindful of every moment of your life....make certain you express yourself in the best way possible....these are tomorrow's memories.' I hope you all take it to heart, and please say a little prayer for my dad!!!