'How our words are understood doesn't depend just on how we express our ideas. It also depends on how someone receives what we're saying. I think the most important part about communicating is the listening 'we' do beforehand. When we can truly respect what someone brings to what we're offering, it makes the communication all the more meaningful.' (FR)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
A little whine....
...goes a long way with me. It is usually followed by lots of pondering about the waste of time and energy spent by doing so. I will beat myself up for the negative attitude that couples with whining, and think about the ways I could have made the situation a positive. I'll get upset that I have not represented myself in the best possible light, because I generally don't like the way I feel about myself when I let a situation defeat me emotionally and psychologically. I know I would be happier if I could just learn to skip the whining. My therapist says I fret ( a nicer name for whining?!), a learned behavior, and then I get on with whatever it is that needs to be done. Thus, the ideal situation would be to skip the fretting/whining and just get on with life. Well, I did not skip the fretting, as you can plainly see from previous posts, but I have decided to make 'lemonade' this week in the aftermath. I've been busy uncluttering my life, literally! My relatively new car, with very few miles, broke down once again last week (it had to be towed this time), and I won't begin to whine/fret about that, except to say that the dealership was out of loaner cars, and sent over a rental vehicle....a truck, no less. Rather than whine about that, I decided to use it to my advantage. First of all, I helped a friend move from a house to an apartment. We loaded everything onto that truck that two women (with a baby and a ten year old in tow) could possibly move on our/their? own. As a result, I realized the energy available for myself when there was a cause, so I decided to unclutter my own life in the process, and see the truck as a godsend at the same time!! Last night I filled the bed of the truck, as well as the extend-cab seating, not once, but twice, to move things out of my home that are serving no real purpose in my life at this time. Fortunately (and I mean this...I am fortunate on this count...I will have another house set-up for all kinds of possibilities...like for use as rental property (furnished, no less), or as a guest house, or a getaway for myself, as a place to store and work on unfinished projects that have been laying around, or as a studio for my photography and watercolor projects), I have a place to move these things, and eventually (and yes, I have a deadline), I will throw away what is not worth keeping and host a yard sale for the rest (extra cash will be a nice reward, don't you think?!). My goal is to have everything moved out by Thanksgiving, and some things must be moved by Halloween. I look forward to having everything in order for the holidays, especially Christmas, since last year was a bit of a disaster. With most of my shopping complete already (including the wrapping), I am well on my way to success!! So, see...I can accomplish great things when I set my mind to it. I can channel the energy that was wasted by whining into something productive. I'm happier, though tired (in a good way...amazing what a good nights sleep this provides), and fulfilled in ways that whining just cannot provide. I feel better already!! Time to get rolling!!! Later!! (*Note to self*.....pics before and after....so more to come!!) :))
1) A REAL MAN respects his mother and places his family first.
2) A REAL MAN raises his kids, not JUST out of pocket either.
3) A REAL MAN supports his woman to develop herself.
4) A REAL MAN doesn't worry about what others depict as a real man. Walk in his shoes first and then tell him what makes him A REAL MAN.
5) A REAL MAN doesn't Break Promises.
6) A REAL MAN calls you beautiful, not hot, sexy, or fine as f...k.
8) A REAL MAN CALLS YOU on a daily basis - NO MATTER HOW BUSY OR TIRED HE IS.
9) A REAL MAN looks past what he's heard about you or what his friends think of you.
10) A REAL MAN wants to spend as much time as he can with you & won't get sick of you.
11) A REAL MAN comes over just to watch movies with you.
12) A REAL MAN kisses you on the forehead just because.
13) A REAL MAN doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear. He tells you what's real.
14) A REAL MAN should be treated like one.
15) A REAL MAN doesn't ask questions when you say you need something... him, sex, or money, a bed to sleep in.
16) A REAL MAN lets others know How He Feels About his Girl.
17) A REAL MAN doesn't play games!!!!!!!!!!!
18) A REAL MAN doesn't leave his girl to go and hang out with his friends, if he hasn't seen her in a week, and then call her at 4 in the morning because he needs some loving.
19) A REAL MAN doesn't deny you.
20) A REAL MAN doesn't just think about sex.
21) A REAL MAN Doesn't Judge a book by the cover.
22) A REAL MAN wouldn't use his friendship card to get what he wants.
23) A REAL MAN knows the difference between a REAL WOMAN and a random girl.
24) A REAL MAN wont degrade a woman with words nor will he ever put his hand on her in anger.
25) A REAL MAN Sends you flowers Just Because.
Are YOU a REAL MAN?!?! (I know...it's a bit corny, but wouldn't it be nice if guys remembered this when mid-life smacks them?!)
Last night another friend shared a line with me that he thought I'd appreciate: 'Behind every bitch is a man who made her that way.' HA!! See, it's NOT my fault!! Haha!!
I found the following message posted in a bulletin on another forum. The young woman responsible for the post is my son's friend, 'V'. They met while both were working at Disney in Florida. She's a great kid, totally unaware of my lastest 'whining', who lost her mom to cancer just a few years ago. I am impressed with her wisdom, and happy to share her post with you all: Let It Go for 2007...by T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when peoples part in your story is over, so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!! If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed...LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!! LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left...think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
This is very apropos, don't ya think?!? A strange synchronicity seems to pervade lately. As I always say: 'Prayer is our way of talking to 'God', sychronicity is 'His' way of speaking to us'!!
Well, almost!! But with Christmas just around the corner, I thought it might be a good idea to share the comments I left on a fellow-blogger's post. She was pondering gifts she may like to receive for her birthday, and asked for suggestions. The response I offered left me thinking about my Christmas list. Believe it or not, I'm well on my way to being finished with it this year (a first, including the wrapping), and it's nice to think I may actually find time to relax and enjoy the holidays this season without having so much to do at the last minute. Before attaching the comment I left for my friend, I will share that for Christmas this year, I chose a theme (also a first) for my kids gift purchases, and it made the shopping easier. I would share the theme, but it would give away too much, and I like to think they do read my blog now and then. The idea came, however, from being in their homes and noticing things they mentioned they wished they owned or that they needed to purchase, practical things one may not always take the time to obtain or pay the money to purchase. I also filed this notion away after having conversations with different friends about hosting a party/gift exchange to share practical gifts that one needs but, as with my kids, may not take the time to purchase for yourself, items like bath towels or kitchen drying towels, or a wine rack, or glasses, etc. So a theme could be kitchen or bath items. You get the idea? I'm sure men could come up with a list of items they feel need to be replaced as well. Okay, so this may not seem very personal, but the idea of having some nice things to replace the time-worn ones that you are not likely to replace yourself...you know, those things on a list that you never get around to completing for yourself...is a satisfactory idea to me. It's even nicer to have a friend do this for you, and the memory of that person remains with the item when used. I've strayed from the theme gift list a bit with my kids and added some personal items for each, but building around the theme has been exciting, and still very personal, as I have added things that can be found here at home that we all relied on, but favorites that the kids don't own themselves. The post/comment below will give you an idea of what I mean when you read about my two favorite practical gifts, but another example would be a gift that my mom's best friend gave me years ago. It's a rectangular, stainless steel, baking pan with a lid that slides over the top. It's great for all kinds of dishes to be baked in the oven. The friend, Lavonne Smith, is no longer with us, but her gift will be with me forever, and you can bet I think of her fondly every time I use it, which is often. I hope you understand the sentiment behind this post. Practical is not always impersonal...in fact, something that becomes necessary to everyday life seems very thoughtful to me. So put your thinking caps on and come up with your own themes and have fun doing it!!!!! Happy Holidays folks!! Oh..haha...the comment that started it all: "For some weird reason, I've wanted a fondue set. I never had one in the 70s when they were so popular. It seems the folks from my generation have brought them back again, and so, I think it's better late than never to have one. It just seems like a novel idea to me!! :)) I often give gift certificates, and people who receive them truly seem to appreciate the idea. For Valentine's I gave cards with certificates to friends and family for Starbucks...the recipients seemed to enjoy a cuppa joe on me! I try to think of something that is pracitcal, yet a bit of a luxury that one may skip unless another shares. Life's simple pleasures always seem best don't they!?!
I recall two gifts I have received that I REALLY use daily. One is a paring knife with a sharpener for the blade end to fit into. A three year old preschool student of mine gave it to me. His mom explained that she knew it was not extravagant nor personal, but practical, and she had no doubt I would really use it...and I have!! It's my favorite knife in the kitchen. I've had it over twenty years now. The other I received last year. It is a small, square (about the size of a large index card), flat, envelope-sized wallet (?) that I keep in my purse. I place folded cash, all of my receipts, and bandaids, etc. in it for convenience. I can always find these things readily in that, otherwise cluttered, purse of mine.
'Just a few ideas. Hmmm...I may have to add this to MY blog!! Haha...with Christmas around the corner, it's a worthy subject, huh?!
I hope you'll have a great birthday!!!! Enjoy!!"
And again, to all of you....enjoy your holidays and indulge in a shopping theme and have a good time!!!
The Response (My e-mail correspondent is very wise, don't you agree?)
Why Parents Get Gray Hair
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
A friend sent the following/(this) link to me this past week. I recently acquired the second house that the ex and I shared in the marriage, and the thing I regret the most is that the treehouse we'd built in the woods had fallen in and had to be removed. I have pics of it somewhere, and will send them to you after I find them again! Perhaps I can have it rebuilt in the future...but it won't be the same...my kids helped with the first one...I really hated that it had to go. It was large enough for the four of us to sleep in, which we did on a few occasions, and it had a cool wrap-around deck. It was amazing!! There are some changes in life that make me sad....losing our treehouse was one of them. Time marches on....change is inevitable!! Sigh!
http://money.aol.com/bw/realestate/canvas3/_a/real-estate-that-really-branches-out/20061006095809990001 I'm working at keeping my mind in a good place today. The ex is overseas, and just last night my daughter informed me that she and her brother would be traveling to meet up with him. They are leaving today for France....he won't be there until Monday evening. I don't even know what to say about this. It blows my budget if I fly to visit with them here in the states. In fact, I am still working (and yes, I literally went back to work) paying off the balance of the one credit card I own and used to cover the expenses we incurred to attend my nephew's wedding in Florida in August (a good time, but not exactly a 'vacation'). The ex also attended a wedding in the same time frame for his side of the family and flew the kids there for it...but something tells me he won't be strapped with a bill that will take a year or so to pay off.
I'm especially trying to figure out how to sincerely wish them all well, and be okay with being the family member who is left out of the family vacations with no hope of having the means or an invitation to share such momentous events. I feel somewhat ashamed to be upset about this for any reason, but the fact that my kids procrastinated and waited until the last moment to tell me, lets me know they have some feeling of the unfairness involved...or perhaps I should say the inequality or imbalance involved.
I want to be a 'bigger' person in dealing with it, but I'm finding that difficult just now for many reasons. For starters, it's going to be a long week for me, knowing my 'babies' (aren't they always somehow our babies, or is it just me?!) are in a foreign country, on their own, for a time. And I'd always dreamed of sharing major family events....I really struggle with being left behind. I really don't mean that in a selfish way. I just want to be there with them. I want to be a part of the significant milestones in their lives, especially those spent as a family. I don't even want to know if the new girlfriend or any child of hers is going to be present. What's a mother to do?! Smile like she always seems required to do, and make everything alright for the most people?!
Seems I really have no other choice.
This letter is sounding like something for my personal journal rather than something I need to share with a friend. But there is it...raw emotion...exactly what I'm feeling today. There seems to be a 'theme' emerging about change and acceptance, ya think?
Do I sound like 'sour grapes' to you?! Does this make me appear 'ugly'?! I truly desire to be a 'better/bigger' person and not let it trouble me too much.
I accept that my kids are grown up...and rightfully moving on with their own lives, but when I've been soo 'home/heartsick' for them, and have called them constantly this week to share things that remind me of them...like the beauty of a fall day, smells in the air that bring back a shared memory...I find it disheartening to discover it seems I have small treasures to share compared to extravagant trips to France.
I truly want them to have a good relationship with their dad. Truth be told, I still desire a better relationship with him, but it seems that is futile. I suppose I just wished he felt my discomfort at being left out, so that he might be a bit more considerate of my feelings or even the position it places them in. But being divorced from him tells you something about our relationship, huh?! Perhaps there is no better way to deal with this given the decision which dissolved our family unit. I can feel sad about it, right?
Maybe I am the one who is being short-sighted here...unfair in my assessment of the situation. I don't feel good about feeling as I do. I want to be more gracious in spirit. I suppose that is the challenge I'm facing...and in the end, the nobler position to take.
I'm finding it difficult to think about other things today, but I must. I just felt I had to get this off my chest.
Now...what can I find to do with this beautiful day?! Well, I can go out and enjoy it, huh?! I still have myself...I need to see to it that 'she' is good company!!
This began as part of a letter to a friend, but I decided it was too personal...stuff for my ponderings....so here it is....
I'm working at keeping my mind in a good place today. The ex is overseas, and just last night my daughter informed me that she and her brother would be traveling to meet up with him. They are leaving today for France....he won't be there until Monday evening. I don't even know what to say about this. It blows my budget if I fly to visit with them here in the states. In fact, I am still working (and yes, I literally went back to work) paying off the balance of the one credit card I own and used to cover the expenses we incurred to attend my nephew's wedding in Florida in August (a good time, but not exactly a 'vacation'). The ex also attended a wedding in the same time frame for his side of the family and flew the kids there for it...but something tells me he won't be strapped with a bill that will take a year or so to pay off.
I'm especially trying to figure out how to sincerely wish them all well, and be okay with being the family member who is left out of the family vacations with no hope of having the means or an invitation to share such momentous events. I feel somewhat ashamed to be upset about this for any reason, but the fact that my kids procrastinated and waited until the last moment to tell me, lets me know they have some feeling of the unfairness involved...or perhaps I should say the inequality or imbalance involved.
I want to be a 'bigger' person in dealing with it, but I'm finding that difficult just now for many reasons. For starters, it's going to be a long week for me, knowing my 'babies' (aren't they always somehow our babies, or is it just me?!) are in a foreign country, on their own, for a time. And I'd always dreamed of sharing major family events....I really struggle with being left behind. I really don't mean that in a selfish way. I just want to be there with them. I want to be a part of the significant milestones in their lives, especially those spent as a family. (I REALLY don't even want to know if the new girlfriend along with any child of hers is going to be present.) What's a mother to do?! Smile like she always seems required to do, and make everything alright for the most people?!
