This began as part of a letter to a friend, but I decided it was too personal...stuff for my ponderings....so here it is....
I'm working at keeping my mind in a good place today. The ex is overseas, and just last night my daughter informed me that she and her brother would be traveling to meet up with him. They are leaving today for France....he won't be there until Monday evening. I don't even know what to say about this. It blows my budget if I fly to visit with them here in the states. In fact, I am still working (and yes, I literally went back to work) paying off the balance of the one credit card I own and used to cover the expenses we incurred to attend my nephew's wedding in Florida in August (a good time, but not exactly a 'vacation'). The ex also attended a wedding in the same time frame for his side of the family and flew the kids there for it...but something tells me he won't be strapped with a bill that will take a year or so to pay off.
I'm especially trying to figure out how to sincerely wish them all well, and be okay with being the family member who is left out of the family vacations with no hope of having the means or an invitation to share such momentous events. I feel somewhat ashamed to be upset about this for any reason, but the fact that my kids procrastinated and waited until the last moment to tell me, lets me know they have some feeling of the unfairness involved...or perhaps I should say the inequality or imbalance involved.
I want to be a 'bigger' person in dealing with it, but I'm finding that difficult just now for many reasons. For starters, it's going to be a long week for me, knowing my 'babies' (aren't they always somehow our babies, or is it just me?!) are in a foreign country, on their own, for a time. And I'd always dreamed of sharing major family events....I really struggle with being left behind. I really don't mean that in a selfish way. I just want to be there with them. I want to be a part of the significant milestones in their lives, especially those spent as a family. (I REALLY don't even want to know if the new girlfriend along with any child of hers is going to be present.)
What's a mother to do?! Smile like she always seems required to do, and make everything alright for the most people?!
'Seems I really have no other choice.
I'm especially trying to figure out how to sincerely wish them all well, and be okay with being the family member who is left out of the family vacations with no hope of having the means or an invitation to share such momentous events. I feel somewhat ashamed to be upset about this for any reason, but the fact that my kids procrastinated and waited until the last moment to tell me, lets me know they have some feeling of the unfairness involved...or perhaps I should say the inequality or imbalance involved.
I want to be a 'bigger' person in dealing with it, but I'm finding that difficult just now for many reasons. For starters, it's going to be a long week for me, knowing my 'babies' (aren't they always somehow our babies, or is it just me?!) are in a foreign country, on their own, for a time. And I'd always dreamed of sharing major family events....I really struggle with being left behind. I really don't mean that in a selfish way. I just want to be there with them. I want to be a part of the significant milestones in their lives, especially those spent as a family. (I REALLY don't even want to know if the new girlfriend along with any child of hers is going to be present.)
What's a mother to do?! Smile like she always seems required to do, and make everything alright for the most people?!
'Seems I really have no other choice.
posted by Di at 8:37 AM
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