A Portrait of 'Self-Analysis'....
....of a 'work-in-progress' (perhaps some would view this as 'self-indulgence' or 'absorption'). Whatever one calls it, it requires self-reflection, truthfulness, and exposure...kind of like the process of developing a photo.
Well, I want to study the development of self by examining a recent photo. Mind you, this is not easy to do. I wasn't especially fond of what I saw in the photo. I later found myself pondering the varied feelings I experienced, and this is what I've concluded, so far. I am a 'work-in-progress', aren't we all? I think we shall always be as long as we breathe.
Have you ever found yourself staring at your own face in a photo, wondering how you came to look the way you do? You may wonder who that person is, physically and otherwise. I found myself doing just that when browsing through some family photos taken recently at a wedding. With several generations present for comparison, I began to form a sense of identity and where I fit in the ranking. It made me a bit uneasy.
At first I thought my dress was just ill-fitted, too youthful, the wrong color or size...something was distorting my face, making my head and neck seem larger, broader, fuller. I concluded that I looked more like a (now don't get your panties all in a wad when I use this description, I'm just being honest about how I perceived myself at first glance...I have no prejudices or criticism of a person truly in this category) transvestite, a 'manly looking woman' in ladies clothing. The dress did not seem to suit the person's face.
I used to think of myself as somewhat 'feminine' looking, but that trait seemed absent from this photo. And it troubled me. Was I in denial? Aging and not accepting it, as evidenced in the dress I chose for this occasion? My thoughts were all over the place, kind of like this writing. (Bare with me, I hope this will all come to a single point in the end.)
I shared the photo with an accepting, supportive friend, whom, of course, encouraged me to believe I looked just fine. I wasn't buying it. I didn't recognize that person staring back at me from the photo, and I was not comfortable with the photo or the feeling it generated within me. I tried to let it go, momentarily.
Then as I sat in the bathtub today, where I find myself doing a lot of reflecting, moreso than bathing, it dawned on me. I HAVE changed!! (Duh, thump my forehead with the tips of my fingers!) I'm not the youthful person I used to be...no longer a 'girl' all hormonal and giddy and naive and innocent and searching, seeking to find herself and her way in the world (although there IS still a fair amount of some of this present in my life today).
No, what I see as 'manly' is 'strength', perhaps, a strength that comes with the passage of time and experience. Hopefully, there is a strength of 'character' in that face. For many, the years show in your face as having been kind or tough. Fine lines, or maybe wrinkles, tell a story, replacing the innocence of youth. I've 'bulked up' in preparation for what lies ahead. Life has provided this for me.
Some things have softened. My eyes seem different...weaker? When I'm tired now, it shows. I don't see some things as cleary as I did before. I still don't understand some of what I see in this world around me, in others, and maybe within myself. But I do think my heart is still open to possibilities. I'm more forgiving than in the past, and yet, I'm rightfully protective....I'm more vulnerable, and I know this, and I guard myself, shield myself with the strength I've gained, the knowledge I've acquired from living, and it shows. It's right there to be read on my face.
I looked tired. I was tired. I am often tired. I'm challenged to 'give it a rest', to put some things aside and just be, to breathe and let go. In the letting go, I embrace the life I have created for myself. I become aware of the changes, both good and not so good, and my ability to adjust and to continue to grow, and to face myself, the person in the photograph, and love her and forgive her and wish her well in this journey of life.
'Hasta La Vista', baby!!! Don't look back!!! (I'm holding my nose, preparing to jump in the water with both feet first (mind you, I can't
swim, ha!)..deep breath....) Here she is....
Well, I want to study the development of self by examining a recent photo. Mind you, this is not easy to do. I wasn't especially fond of what I saw in the photo. I later found myself pondering the varied feelings I experienced, and this is what I've concluded, so far. I am a 'work-in-progress', aren't we all? I think we shall always be as long as we breathe.
Have you ever found yourself staring at your own face in a photo, wondering how you came to look the way you do? You may wonder who that person is, physically and otherwise. I found myself doing just that when browsing through some family photos taken recently at a wedding. With several generations present for comparison, I began to form a sense of identity and where I fit in the ranking. It made me a bit uneasy.
At first I thought my dress was just ill-fitted, too youthful, the wrong color or size...something was distorting my face, making my head and neck seem larger, broader, fuller. I concluded that I looked more like a (now don't get your panties all in a wad when I use this description, I'm just being honest about how I perceived myself at first glance...I have no prejudices or criticism of a person truly in this category) transvestite, a 'manly looking woman' in ladies clothing. The dress did not seem to suit the person's face.
I used to think of myself as somewhat 'feminine' looking, but that trait seemed absent from this photo. And it troubled me. Was I in denial? Aging and not accepting it, as evidenced in the dress I chose for this occasion? My thoughts were all over the place, kind of like this writing. (Bare with me, I hope this will all come to a single point in the end.)
I shared the photo with an accepting, supportive friend, whom, of course, encouraged me to believe I looked just fine. I wasn't buying it. I didn't recognize that person staring back at me from the photo, and I was not comfortable with the photo or the feeling it generated within me. I tried to let it go, momentarily.
Then as I sat in the bathtub today, where I find myself doing a lot of reflecting, moreso than bathing, it dawned on me. I HAVE changed!! (Duh, thump my forehead with the tips of my fingers!) I'm not the youthful person I used to be...no longer a 'girl' all hormonal and giddy and naive and innocent and searching, seeking to find herself and her way in the world (although there IS still a fair amount of some of this present in my life today).
No, what I see as 'manly' is 'strength', perhaps, a strength that comes with the passage of time and experience. Hopefully, there is a strength of 'character' in that face. For many, the years show in your face as having been kind or tough. Fine lines, or maybe wrinkles, tell a story, replacing the innocence of youth. I've 'bulked up' in preparation for what lies ahead. Life has provided this for me.
Some things have softened. My eyes seem different...weaker? When I'm tired now, it shows. I don't see some things as cleary as I did before. I still don't understand some of what I see in this world around me, in others, and maybe within myself. But I do think my heart is still open to possibilities. I'm more forgiving than in the past, and yet, I'm rightfully protective....I'm more vulnerable, and I know this, and I guard myself, shield myself with the strength I've gained, the knowledge I've acquired from living, and it shows. It's right there to be read on my face.
I looked tired. I was tired. I am often tired. I'm challenged to 'give it a rest', to put some things aside and just be, to breathe and let go. In the letting go, I embrace the life I have created for myself. I become aware of the changes, both good and not so good, and my ability to adjust and to continue to grow, and to face myself, the person in the photograph, and love her and forgive her and wish her well in this journey of life.
'Hasta La Vista', baby!!! Don't look back!!! (I'm holding my nose, preparing to jump in the water with both feet first (mind you, I can't
swim, ha!)..deep breath....) Here she is....
posted by Di at 12:02 PM
4 Comments:
that takes a lot of courage Di. glad to see you made the plunge!
Tell it girl!
When we look in the mirror, we frequently see what we want to see. We present our best side toward the mirror, change our expression, move so the light is more flattering.
Photographs are a slap in the face; we don't have the luxury of getting "the right look" prepared before the shutter is opened.
(How is it the camera puts 20 pounds on me, too?)
I think most would agree with me- if this image is when you look bad, you have no right to complain, so don't start!
Your introspection is healthy though.
Time marches on. We can fight it and be miserable, or we can accept it and enjoy its' passing. I'm glad it seems you are gracefully accepting.
This is probably one of the most profound posts I have ever read...on ANY blog. Wow...
...I'm off to ponder...
Thanks for your continued support and encouragement. It's not easy growing older, and even harder to admit how difficult it is, which is exactly why I felt I needed to confront this head-on (no pun,ha!). My daughter says we have some kind of malady or some such disorder that makes us scrutinize our physical being too closely and causes us to always find fault with our looks. I'll have her give me the clinical name for this and blog about it later, sheesh. There's a label for EVERYTHING these days!! I just feel that growing old is the pits sometimes, and yes, adjusting is a necessary evil. Sigh!!! I'm working on it!!!
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