Life goes on....
I live with chronic pain and manage it like so many other things in my life, with a passive-aggressive manner. Sometimes, that is confusing, I bitch and moan about it one way or another, but many times the people around me think I'm just being a bitch, I don't always mention the physical pain, I just lash out at someone or about something. I don't get positive feedback about it, as you can imagine. Then I really have something to groan about, because everyone around me is angry.
Someone told me this week, in reponse to my latest rant, that I turn the people around me into '@holes' and that I become a 'pain' to be with. Then, I just feel sorry for myself, because my intentions were misunderstood. It's a vicious cycle. My pain is real, my method of dealing with it is unclear. Most of the time, no one knows I'm feeling any pain, I think I hide it well, until someone ignores me in ways that are hurtful, or says something/anything that offends me even slightly. Then I go off on them as if they should know instinctively about my pain.
You can see how the pain is just recycled over and over in my life. Chronic pain is just that....pain....constant, always there, seldom a break from it, and all I feel I have to share, is, yep, you got it...pain! I live it, breathe it, dish it out, and get it back again. Not much of a life, huh?!
People have always referred to me as analytical, someone who holds things inside, someone inside her head, etc. I turn my pain inward also, beating myself up further with it, as if I've somehow done something in my life to 'deserve it'. It would amaze and baffle me whenever I got feedback from others indicating that maybe I DO deserve it. I would think them insensitive, because I would feel they have no real clue how I feel, and they don't, because I don't 'really' tell them. Dizzy yet? I am...the process of dealing with such pain IS dizzying (is that a word?).
I'm lying here in bed with my laptop, feeling worthless for a number of reasons. I want to be one of those people who, even in the face of great pain, can handle it in a positive and upbeat, maybe even humorous, way. Some days, I just can't, and I feel I have nothing to share anywhere in life. My blog has remained untouched for this very reason. My momma used to tell me, like possibly all of your mommas did, that 'if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all'! Trying to accomplish that is enough to give me this headache!! Life is not always 'nice' to deal with. Are we to pretend otherwise?
Today, I'm in physical pain. I'm in emotional pain. I'm in mental pain. I wish it would go away, just like I wish the news of our fellow-blogger could go away...just not be real. My only consolation is knowing that he won't have to wake up another day feeling like I do, or worse. We are left to deal with our own personal pain over the loss of one we came to care for so much, and it's just that, painful. The last e-mail he sent to me made quite a statement....I think one worth sharing...he always DID say it better, didn't he?! I'll challenge myself everyday, in his memory, to keep getting up, keep getting out of bed, and to keep writing.
In his own words:
"Yeah, growing old sucks. I will not be surprised if I wake up one moring(sic), crank myself out of bed, feel a little light when I stand up, then look over my shoulder to discover that my boney ass fell right off while I was asleep. It'll be laying there in the bed like a tossed hubcap."
"Dayum! I wish I could still chase an ice cream truck."
"You get the last TWO bumper stickers I have. Thanks for writing.''
Rob
I hope he's chasing that ice cream truck, wherever he is, and I hope it has BOTH my bumper stickers on it!!!
Someone told me this week, in reponse to my latest rant, that I turn the people around me into '@holes' and that I become a 'pain' to be with. Then, I just feel sorry for myself, because my intentions were misunderstood. It's a vicious cycle. My pain is real, my method of dealing with it is unclear. Most of the time, no one knows I'm feeling any pain, I think I hide it well, until someone ignores me in ways that are hurtful, or says something/anything that offends me even slightly. Then I go off on them as if they should know instinctively about my pain.
You can see how the pain is just recycled over and over in my life. Chronic pain is just that....pain....constant, always there, seldom a break from it, and all I feel I have to share, is, yep, you got it...pain! I live it, breathe it, dish it out, and get it back again. Not much of a life, huh?!
People have always referred to me as analytical, someone who holds things inside, someone inside her head, etc. I turn my pain inward also, beating myself up further with it, as if I've somehow done something in my life to 'deserve it'. It would amaze and baffle me whenever I got feedback from others indicating that maybe I DO deserve it. I would think them insensitive, because I would feel they have no real clue how I feel, and they don't, because I don't 'really' tell them. Dizzy yet? I am...the process of dealing with such pain IS dizzying (is that a word?).
I'm lying here in bed with my laptop, feeling worthless for a number of reasons. I want to be one of those people who, even in the face of great pain, can handle it in a positive and upbeat, maybe even humorous, way. Some days, I just can't, and I feel I have nothing to share anywhere in life. My blog has remained untouched for this very reason. My momma used to tell me, like possibly all of your mommas did, that 'if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all'! Trying to accomplish that is enough to give me this headache!! Life is not always 'nice' to deal with. Are we to pretend otherwise?
Today, I'm in physical pain. I'm in emotional pain. I'm in mental pain. I wish it would go away, just like I wish the news of our fellow-blogger could go away...just not be real. My only consolation is knowing that he won't have to wake up another day feeling like I do, or worse. We are left to deal with our own personal pain over the loss of one we came to care for so much, and it's just that, painful. The last e-mail he sent to me made quite a statement....I think one worth sharing...he always DID say it better, didn't he?! I'll challenge myself everyday, in his memory, to keep getting up, keep getting out of bed, and to keep writing.
In his own words:
"Yeah, growing old sucks. I will not be surprised if I wake up one moring(sic), crank myself out of bed, feel a little light when I stand up, then look over my shoulder to discover that my boney ass fell right off while I was asleep. It'll be laying there in the bed like a tossed hubcap."
"Dayum! I wish I could still chase an ice cream truck."
"You get the last TWO bumper stickers I have. Thanks for writing.''
Rob
I hope he's chasing that ice cream truck, wherever he is, and I hope it has BOTH my bumper stickers on it!!!
posted by Di at 4:17 PM
2 Comments:
i empathize for your struggles Di.
you have great heart and courage, and that is all you need.
Thanks A!!! I hope you are right!
Today is a great day though, I'm actually feeling well!! A friend has invited me to go to a county fair with her, something I've not done in ages, and I hope to join her!! Doesn't cotton candy and funnel cakes and the smell of a petting zoo sound awesome?! I'm so there!!!
I hope you and yours have a great weekend, and 4th of July celebration!!! :))
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