Parental Issues...'Honor Thy Father and Mother'?!?

The following is a comment I left in response to another blogger's post. It's always a good thing to have a point of reference, a comparison, to help us place our own 'issues' in perspective. Perhaps I should have just saved space in her blog, and blogged my feelings in response here, but making a connection with others is vital sometimes too. I decided I could do both. (I have to note that 'Acidman' continues to be our mutual connection, and I feel he lives on through us in this way!)

The comment:

I appreciate 'Tessa's' comment, and will take it to heart.

I understand your dilemma. My mother is alive and well, though she complains all the time, dramatically so. After years of counseling, partially due to putting up with her verbal and emotional abuse, I'm learning how to confront her when necessary and set some boundaries. Not that this is easy or as simple as stated, but it's what I need to do for myself.

It has taken some effort, and fortunately I have sisters to support my efforts and reinforce this, in fact, one confronted her with me the first time she gave us the opportunity recently. We decided to take advantage of the door she opened for us, and share how her behavior made us feel, and to explain how we felt all would benefit from change on her part.

This happened only weeks ago, and I'm 54, yet it's the first time in my life that I've felt confident enough to know what it is I want from her and to tell her. I've decided to ask for what I desire from her, at least when we are in a conversation or in the same location. I am actually out of town now, and included a visit with her as part of my travel schedule. It's the first time EVER that she made it through several days without a negative comment or criticism.

I guess I'm just trying to say, I had begun to believe there would never be peace between us, but this week has proven me wrong. I'm happy for this, and know that I will feel better about myself for continuing to make the effort. I realize some people are never going to change, ever, and I don't feel that we should subject ourselves to abuse in that case. Had she NOT agreed to make an effort to refrain from some of this behavior in my presence, I let her know I would not give her the opportunity to continue treating me as she has in the past by showing up.

I would not have wanted to lose my mom without getting beyond the treatment from her that I'd dealt with my entire life. I was always seeking validation elsewhere, but finally understood no one else could give me what I needed the most from her. I'm glad for what is happening, I'm optimistic, for the first time, and hope it is the beginning of change that will last.

I know I, personally, would have to go to my mom if she were dying, even if we had not made peace, and take away from that encounter a good feeling about myself for attempting to show 'respect', as Tessa indicated she did with her mom.

Ultimately, it's how we feel about ourselves that matters most. Each person's experience is unique in many ways, despite the similarities. I say do what YOU can best live with for the rest of YOUR life.