Addictions and Enabling the Addicted Person
I am clearly an enabler. I'm a very sensitive person who has been taught/trained to be a caretaker. I've learned to use my instinct and insight to help me determine the needs of others so that I may assist them in any way I can. In order to relinquish the job of 'caretaker/enabler', I need to recognize that it is not my responsiblility to care more for another than they care for themselves. Or put another way, it's not my place to care for another in a manner that prevents them from taking personal responsibility. I can help them to identify their issues, but I cannot force them to seek help, nor should I take over when they fail to take care of their own needs. Such relationships are doomed to failure for both parties.
With my background, I'm attracted to addictive personalities, which fills my training/need for caretaking. It becomes a vicious cycle. I'm trained to care for the neediest and they find someone like me to depend on which allows them to neglect taking personal responsibility. Yep, it's that simple. That is how it works.
My latest experience with caretaking has brought me to this conclusion, finally, and with more depth of understanding than I've ever had before. This is a good thing for both of us. I can let go and hopefully, they will find it necessary to seek the help they need. This experience has helped me to add perspective to my reactions to needy, dependent people. I am NOT equipped to handle their problems, and my anger and frustration related to the challenge is an indication of this inability. I can forgive myself for my reaction and take note to guard myself from overreacting in the future. I can also give myself permission to follow my instinct that warns me when a person is carrying baggage and to recognize how I become easy prey for those personalities. I can place a healthy distance from the onset instead of getting involved and frustrated in the process. I can perhaps learn to direct them toward the help they need that truly could make a difference in their life and leave both of us free to pursue relationships that do not involve dependency. If the other is not capable of dealing with this, then it is truly in both our best interests to move on.
EXHALE!!!!! What a relief to feel this on a deeper level than before -- to incorporate it into my being in a way that gives me a release from this burden. I feel myself becoming healthier. What a good thing!!!
With my background, I'm attracted to addictive personalities, which fills my training/need for caretaking. It becomes a vicious cycle. I'm trained to care for the neediest and they find someone like me to depend on which allows them to neglect taking personal responsibility. Yep, it's that simple. That is how it works.
My latest experience with caretaking has brought me to this conclusion, finally, and with more depth of understanding than I've ever had before. This is a good thing for both of us. I can let go and hopefully, they will find it necessary to seek the help they need. This experience has helped me to add perspective to my reactions to needy, dependent people. I am NOT equipped to handle their problems, and my anger and frustration related to the challenge is an indication of this inability. I can forgive myself for my reaction and take note to guard myself from overreacting in the future. I can also give myself permission to follow my instinct that warns me when a person is carrying baggage and to recognize how I become easy prey for those personalities. I can place a healthy distance from the onset instead of getting involved and frustrated in the process. I can perhaps learn to direct them toward the help they need that truly could make a difference in their life and leave both of us free to pursue relationships that do not involve dependency. If the other is not capable of dealing with this, then it is truly in both our best interests to move on.
EXHALE!!!!! What a relief to feel this on a deeper level than before -- to incorporate it into my being in a way that gives me a release from this burden. I feel myself becoming healthier. What a good thing!!!
posted by Di at 4:08 AM
3 Comments:
Enabling...
a psychological addiction?
Well, I'm learning that some 'psychological' issues (as well as other 'true accepted addictions') are related to obsessive/compulsive behavior. Many of them are manifest in ways that appear somewhat acceptable -- like having a compulsion that causes a person with a hobby to have difficulty knowing where to draw the line...they just keep buying more and more of the same item for example (I actually know people like this). Some people who indulge in these 'hobbies' may appear out of control (I'm not talking about 'normal' investments in a hobby, and I'm not knocking hobbies, I mean those who run up credit cards, take out loans, etc. to support the 'hobby'), but because the hobby itself appears harmless, so does the behavior (the extent of involvement is usually hidden as are most 'addictions' for a time).
Other people have inclinations that do not appear as harmless -- such as surfing the internet as was the case with people like Christy Brinkley's ex and others who've made the news -- you've read about them. The complusion may be rooted in the same feeling that drives another to go overboard with a hobby or a collection, or to become a 'neat freak', etc. Make sense?
The person finds the continual need for a 'fix' (a purchase, surfing the net, excessive cleaning, etc.) which can actually change the chemistry in the brain in the process and leave them with a 'high' that becomes as addictive as a drink or a drug. This makes sense to me. Oftentimes these same people will develop issues with drinking and drugging as well, though. Of course there is an underlying reason why these people are seeking the high or the escape. Sometimes it is purely a physical/chemical issue. Other times it is emotional, psychological, mental. The person may have suffered abuse in these areas and without realizing what is driving them, they act out.
I've come to understand that when the OCD person is acting out, they really cannot help it. They may come to recognize it for what it is because of the effect it has on their own life and those around them and thus make a decision to seek help. When they do not, they inflict their issues onto others, like myself, who are not equipped to handle the problem and oftentimes will suffer a level of 'abuse' from the 'addicted' person who is likely trying to hide their problem through manipulation, lies, projection, sometimes literal abuse, etc.
The 'sufferer' may not be addicted to a substance, but their compulsions drive them to dangerous behavior and lifestyles just as surely as an alcoholic is driven to drink. I truly believe the personalities are similar. I don't like labels, but often they are necessary in explaining these types of behaviors, especially to those of us who cannot begin to imagine what it feels like to be in that situation.
For some, it becomes difficult to balance understanding and compassion with self-preservation and boundaries -- at least I find this to be true. I never want to be the one who completely closes the door on another before seeking to understand and help if and when I can. We're all on this planet together and it's my desire to find helpful ways to encourage and support others without drowning in the process.
Does that seem feasible? Does this provide clarity? I'm no expert, and I only sought to explain my frustration from this side of the equation, and how I've been sucked in due to MY lack of understanding and vulnerability. This encourages ME to be a better person for myself and in my attempts to provide productive support for those who suffer personally.
You may not agree with my assessment and that is fine, but this is just my take on the matter after doing a little research and after spending time with more than one personality who fits this criteria.
Oh man do I understand this! Beautifully put!
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