Am I Only Dreaming?!?!?!!?!
I feel as if I just walked through my dreams -- aware of a number of jumbled up thoughts and feelings. I wasn't certain that I was dreaming. It felt more like I was stressing over some endless 'to do' list that I could never complete. It was only after I awoke that I knew for sure that I was experiencing a dream (or was it a nightmare)?! I didn't bring the details of it with me into the light of day, only a feeling. What IS this feeling?!
It feels as if I was mentally only visiting my body, walking around inside it checking things out, trying to determine how I feel. I'm aware that I saw things, but I cannot tell you now what those things were. I feel I was only a visitor to my body, **someone who just checked in just to look around. During the dream it felt more like I'd checked out but had not vacated the premises. Almost as if I should not be there at all.
Was it a lucid dream -- one in which I was aware of dreaming, aware that I was sleeping, somehow observing myself in the process of sleeping/dreaming? I don't really know, but it seems slightly profound, as if I should figure out the meaning of it, of this feeling.
Okay, so perhaps I should just dig in, let myself go and not think or analyze so much now and just write about what my thoughts and feelings are in the aftermath. Here goes!!
I don't exactly feel rested, in fact, I feel kind of tired since opening my eyes for the day. I feel as if I don't want to occupy my body anymore. I feel this because I immediately thought of a time (in the recent past) when I did feel good in my body, when I did want to be in it. I don't feel that way today. Then my thoughts went to another 'truth'. I've not felt good in my body for most of my adult life -- pity because it was sometimes a good body to be in (I just did not acknowledge this most of the time).
What is this dream I've just experienced showing me?! To stop living outside of myself like some stranger in a barren foreign land? Is the message suggesting for me to incorporate myself -- to bring my mind and my body together as a team?! Possibly, because as it is, I feel I am working against myself. I feel weary, tired of this resistence. What IS going on?!?! I really don't know.
That's the weird thing about dreams. You awake with the feeling you've stumbled upon something profound. I believe you typically awake with the reason for the dream intact only to sense the information fading the moment you realize that all was just a dream. You are left with the feeling that you possessed some knowledge that you can no longer tap into. So then, what's it worth? Will your dream effect you even without meaning/clarity of the content? Maybe, or maybe not?!
I feel confused, conflicted. I want to understand what I'm feeling and why. But how can I accomplish this? The dream is gone, over, as if it never happened except that I know it did, because I have this nagging feeling that survived. If I dwell on the feeling, I know I will become frustrated. I believe the thing to do is just let it go. There's that same old theme again! Letting go....letting go.....letting go!!!!!
What if I decide I do not want to let go? What if I give myself permission to hold on?! Could I relax by accepting that I don't have to let go? Something so simple can become so complicated when I write it out this way. That HAS to be a problem?!?! (It's here I will stop worrying about my grammar and punctuation....it's so confining and self-defeating for me.)
I think the message is to just stop being a visitor to my body. I should 'check in' before it's time to 'check out'!! I see that I keep drawing an analogy here. I'm imagining a vacation and checking into a hotel room. I can stay inside the room and never go out. I can view myself as a visitor occupying the room but not enjoying the room. I feel disjointed. I feel as if I'm not taking care of myself, not pampering myself enough. It's as if I have the luxury, but I'm not utilizing it. Hmm...could this be about the letter I got from my accountant? In it she advised me to sell my houses in order to have income for the rest of my life. This made me feel as if her advice was the ONLY option open to me. While I know that her opinion is right to some degree, I also know there may be other options. Perhaps the others seem foolish, not the wisest choices to make, but there are still a variety of options including MY options....not the ones my ex chose for me, nor my accountant. Will I feel defeated either way? It is likely. Have I always resisted giving in to another? Or have I always just resisted giving in to HIM?!
I watched a couple of old home movies yesterday. The ex was in them, and I heard him speak and observed him moving through our lives acting as if he was not really there. I see now that he was not. It only appeared that he was with us when all the while he was with another and perhaps another and another....who knows how many there were?! Is this what I'm feeling? Was my life something I participated in at the time without seeing that it was not as it appeared to me? Reality was so invisible to me that I didn't see things truthfully at all. I didn't live in reality....not really.....so the truth is.....I didn't really live the life I thought I did.....THAT was only a dream.
So here is the Ally McBealish theme song for today (yes, someone misspelled 'Bangles'/Bangels). Wow, here she is a few years later which is kind of cool....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** (When I looked up the first song I linked to, I'd forgotten who had performed it. Sheesh, I'd forgotten all about 'Kenny Rogers and The First Edition'!! Who knew how perfect it would be for this post? I only added the song in hindsight, and just now as I viewed the props in the video, I realized how perfect it is in relation to my dream. It the synchronicity I look for in life. All is good!!!!) :))
It feels as if I was mentally only visiting my body, walking around inside it checking things out, trying to determine how I feel. I'm aware that I saw things, but I cannot tell you now what those things were. I feel I was only a visitor to my body, **someone who just checked in just to look around. During the dream it felt more like I'd checked out but had not vacated the premises. Almost as if I should not be there at all.
Was it a lucid dream -- one in which I was aware of dreaming, aware that I was sleeping, somehow observing myself in the process of sleeping/dreaming? I don't really know, but it seems slightly profound, as if I should figure out the meaning of it, of this feeling.
Okay, so perhaps I should just dig in, let myself go and not think or analyze so much now and just write about what my thoughts and feelings are in the aftermath. Here goes!!
I don't exactly feel rested, in fact, I feel kind of tired since opening my eyes for the day. I feel as if I don't want to occupy my body anymore. I feel this because I immediately thought of a time (in the recent past) when I did feel good in my body, when I did want to be in it. I don't feel that way today. Then my thoughts went to another 'truth'. I've not felt good in my body for most of my adult life -- pity because it was sometimes a good body to be in (I just did not acknowledge this most of the time).
What is this dream I've just experienced showing me?! To stop living outside of myself like some stranger in a barren foreign land? Is the message suggesting for me to incorporate myself -- to bring my mind and my body together as a team?! Possibly, because as it is, I feel I am working against myself. I feel weary, tired of this resistence. What IS going on?!?! I really don't know.
That's the weird thing about dreams. You awake with the feeling you've stumbled upon something profound. I believe you typically awake with the reason for the dream intact only to sense the information fading the moment you realize that all was just a dream. You are left with the feeling that you possessed some knowledge that you can no longer tap into. So then, what's it worth? Will your dream effect you even without meaning/clarity of the content? Maybe, or maybe not?!
I feel confused, conflicted. I want to understand what I'm feeling and why. But how can I accomplish this? The dream is gone, over, as if it never happened except that I know it did, because I have this nagging feeling that survived. If I dwell on the feeling, I know I will become frustrated. I believe the thing to do is just let it go. There's that same old theme again! Letting go....letting go.....letting go!!!!!
What if I decide I do not want to let go? What if I give myself permission to hold on?! Could I relax by accepting that I don't have to let go? Something so simple can become so complicated when I write it out this way. That HAS to be a problem?!?! (It's here I will stop worrying about my grammar and punctuation....it's so confining and self-defeating for me.)
I think the message is to just stop being a visitor to my body. I should 'check in' before it's time to 'check out'!! I see that I keep drawing an analogy here. I'm imagining a vacation and checking into a hotel room. I can stay inside the room and never go out. I can view myself as a visitor occupying the room but not enjoying the room. I feel disjointed. I feel as if I'm not taking care of myself, not pampering myself enough. It's as if I have the luxury, but I'm not utilizing it. Hmm...could this be about the letter I got from my accountant? In it she advised me to sell my houses in order to have income for the rest of my life. This made me feel as if her advice was the ONLY option open to me. While I know that her opinion is right to some degree, I also know there may be other options. Perhaps the others seem foolish, not the wisest choices to make, but there are still a variety of options including MY options....not the ones my ex chose for me, nor my accountant. Will I feel defeated either way? It is likely. Have I always resisted giving in to another? Or have I always just resisted giving in to HIM?!
I watched a couple of old home movies yesterday. The ex was in them, and I heard him speak and observed him moving through our lives acting as if he was not really there. I see now that he was not. It only appeared that he was with us when all the while he was with another and perhaps another and another....who knows how many there were?! Is this what I'm feeling? Was my life something I participated in at the time without seeing that it was not as it appeared to me? Reality was so invisible to me that I didn't see things truthfully at all. I didn't live in reality....not really.....so the truth is.....I didn't really live the life I thought I did.....THAT was only a dream.
So here is the Ally McBealish theme song for today (yes, someone misspelled 'Bangles'/Bangels). Wow, here she is a few years later which is kind of cool....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** (When I looked up the first song I linked to, I'd forgotten who had performed it. Sheesh, I'd forgotten all about 'Kenny Rogers and The First Edition'!! Who knew how perfect it would be for this post? I only added the song in hindsight, and just now as I viewed the props in the video, I realized how perfect it is in relation to my dream. It the synchronicity I look for in life. All is good!!!!) :))
posted by Di at 8:26 AM
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