Courage...

...is a quality I lack. I could not even begin this post without looking up the word courage to find out how to classify it. I wrote the first sentence and second-guessed myself about labeling courage as a quality. Go figure--this was the definition in the dictionary:

Courage: quality of being brave: the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action

Truly the definition applies to me. It seems I am lacking in this quality of courage. I especially lack 'the ability to face difficulty or uncertainty without being overcome by fear'. Fear has me in it's ugly grips today. I feel it in my body. My attitude and demeanor show it. I want to isolate from the world and hide my face because I feel so transparent. I am not very brave. I will say that I can handle pain quite well--I seem to have a very high threshold for physical pain--I should know, I seem to suffer a lot these days. Perhaps that is easier to deal with than the typical difficulties and uncertainties in life. Those are oftentimes out of our control. The feeling of being out of control is truly frightening. I can take a pill for physical pain, but I cannot erase fear. I've tried. It's a vicious cycle. Fear and pain, pain and fear. I'd love to get off this ride.

I recently spent time with my daughter...

...at her home in Nashville. I began each morning by wrapping my hands around a hot cup of coffee. Even the caramel color was warm and pleasant. What a great way to engage all of my senses.



Today I miss that aroma.

The saga continues...

....and I'm amazed by the many of you who have leaped to a similiar conclusion about where this was going....shame on you, ha!!!!

When I first discovered Mary Sue's blog awhile back, I was truly mesmorized/transfixed as I caught up on the details of all I'd missed in the years since we'd lost touch. As I read about it now, I can't help but compare our blogs in terms of the feelings we share as newly single women. Many are the same, some not so, but there is a twist to her story from mine.

I'll back track to explain how we drifted apart. As with many friends and families, once our kids graduated from high school (around 2000), we began to lose our direct contact. About this time my family stopped attending church with them also. My kids went off to college and my husband took off to pursue other relationships!! What a bad year 2000 was for me, especially. As I've stated in blogs before, in June 2000, my daughter graduated from high school (my son the year before). The day of her graduation our family cocker spaniel of about 17 years had to be put to sleep one hour before the ceremony. A couple of weeks later my husband announced his plans for departure. Both of the kids left for college by the end of the summer, and in August of that year, my best friend was killed in a car accident. I've said it before but it bears repeating...."talk about an 'empty nest' !!!" For the next five years I spent my life separated from my husband (and kids) yet working on reconciliation (ultimately divorce). I've been divorced for two years now. In December 2004 the final papers were submitted and in January 2005 my divorce became final. I offer this as my ultimate excuse for losing contact with the Libassis and everyone else in my life during that time. My life was literally on hold back then.

In the meantime the Libassis experienced challenges of their own--life seems to do that to everyone eventually, huh?! Their particular crisis began in 2003. Off and on I heard rumors of the situation from the few contacts I'd kept or perhaps my kids became aware and told me. Anyway, I learned that something was amiss in their family also. The news saddened me and I regret that I did not put my woes behind me long enough to make contact with them. When you are in 'crisis-mode' life seems to stand still while also stretching out into what felt like an eternity.

The last time I saw Steve he was in his car in rush hour, five o'clock traffic on a stretch of Route 419 near an intersection approaching a turn beside North Cross School. I found myself in the wrong lane from where I wanted to turn, so I slowed down with my left signal flashing, hoping for some sympathetic stranger to realize the mistake I'd made and give me a break in the line of traffic. When no one seemed to notice or care, for that matter, I cautiously did what I felt I must in order to save time--going another way did not suit me that day. I was still driving the 'family' van at that time, so I knew if I eased in front of someone driving a smaller vehicle, they would likely let me merge into the lane I desired to be in. I did this and discovered the guy behind me now was none too happy about the decision. He blasted his horn, waved his fist (maybe even shot up the middle finger), and proceeded to ride my rear bumper until my exit (which placed him behind me for an uncomfortable few blocks away). I tried to make a gesture of apology, but it seemed lost with this man. Just as I turned into my exit, I made one last attempt to show some physical means of regret for troubling him. It was then that I noticed the man who'd given me such hell was indeed my old friend Steve. Ha!!! I actually felt a little relieved (but also a bit indignant that HE would take such an 'attitude') that I could phone him to explain and apologize (I seem to recall I had some reason for needing to hurry home that evening).

I dialed his phone number and he answered. Up front I asked if he'd just gotten home from work. He admitted that he had. I asked him if he had any particular problem in traffic on his way, and he hedged. I then shared the story from my perspective. He kind of minimized it and his behavior, so I decided to let it go. Ironically, he went on to mention that he missed seeing us in church and stated that I should come back and suggested visiting the same Sunday School class he attended. I shared a minimal amount of words about our divorce, etc., and soon we said our goodbyes with an expressed hope that we'd see one another soon.

It was a senario I did not forget right away because, to me, the encounter--capped by the mention of church--seemed kind of humorous in retrospect. I suppose I didn't think of it too much in the month ahead until I heard the rumors I've alluded to above. As stated, I wish I'd done more to check them out and to contact Steve or Mary Sue at the time, but again, I was too lost in my pending divorce. Actually, I've not talked to any of their family since that phone call to Steve. (In hindsight, how amazing that Steve did not share his own personal dilemma, nor make excuses for himself, or seek any kind of sympathy?!?)

Back to the beginning--today, several years later, I've run across Mary Sue's blog, and I'm catching up on her description of the years I've missed. I can relate to so many of the thoughts and feelings she's shared and yet some I cannot. When I began the first entry describing our family's relationship with the Libassis, I'd decided to compare my feelings to those described by Mary Sue with where we both are today.

Once again our lives have taken a similiar path. I feel that our families have had so much in common from the time I first met them. She and Steve are no longer together. She shares a lot of saddness about the place in which she finds herself (I can relate), but she also mentions the many great memories she had with Steve and their boys (again I can relate). I smile when I read about the things that trigger a good memory for her. Many of us have family experiences that are equally universal. It's nice to have a multitude of special times to look back upon and embrace. It's very sad when a family is ripped apart leaving the good times to become bittersweet (and often times bitter) memories. Though I feel her story is far more tragic than my own in many ways, sometimes I wonder. I actually envy her ability to welcome her memories as a way to remain close to someone who remains so dear to her. It's difficult for me to remember my ex fondly because of the trauma of dealing with his ongoing choices occurring in a rather 'up close and personal' way. I wish that seeing him, hearing about him and from him, etc., was a pleasant thing. I try to make it so, but often, it is not--especially when the kids are involved through negative or distasteful encounters. I know in time I may have a more positive or perhaps a more forgiving perspective--it's something I strive for daily.

Mary Sue, on the other hand, appears to have the kind of personality (or perhaps such pleasant memories of her marriage and life with Steve) that she can move on gracefully. I am truly sorry for her loss, but happy for her ability/courage to let go. As I read her blog, I take note of her exceptionally positive attitude and ability to encorporate her past into the present and a future she looks forward to. Oh that I could have her optimism--she gives me faith/hope.

I won't waste time writing about my bitterness and inability to recall even the best memories about my life as part of a family. By contrast, I still carry some resentment and a level of mistrust and cynicism. I've done plenty of venting in this blog before. I found relief and saddness as I read Mary Sue's words which echo my own feelings about what I experience on a daily basis when recalling the details of my life with my ex. Reading her words made me feel less alone with my reflections of the past and empowered to find a way to resolve the negative feelings that override the good memories from time to time. While I would not desire to have her particular experience to cope with, I sometimes wish there was a way to have better closure in the aftermath of my marriage.

Okay, I'm rambling--enough of the suspense. I will not outline the details of her experience from my perspective--it's not really my place. I've shared what I could as a means to fill in the space from the time we met until the present and to explain how I relate to her today. I'll direct you to her blog should you care to know more of her personal experience. I would first suggest you scroll down to the oldest post in her blog to begin reading and also direct you to click on and view the slide show of her life with her sons and with her husband, Steve--may he R.I.P. (not what you were expecting, huh?).

Have a great weekend and offer a hug to someone you love!!!!!!!

Now and Then.....

I don't remember the exact year our friends, the Libassi family, moved to town. I'm not exactly sure how soon afterwards we met, but I know that we probably met at the baseball field. My then husband coached one of their two sons.

We immediately noted similiarities--Steve Libassi, the father, was a handsome, dark, Italian Catholic man married to a fair-haired, blue-eyed Protestant woman, Mary Sue. By appearances they were total opposites. The same could be said for my husband and me. He fit the same description as Steve, and I appeared much like Mary Sue (only my eyes are green--you get the point?!).

Steve and I seemed to hit it off as we sat together in the stands at game after game cheering our sons on throughout many baseball seasons. Steve and I always seem to be reading a new book that we sometimes brought along. He would check in with me to see what I was reading and vice versa. We enjoyed movies also and compared notes on the latest that we'd seen.

Mary Sue was brought up in a Methodist church, if memory serves me, and so they were looking for a church to attend in their new location. My husband and I had compromised on this issue since my family was Pentecostal and his Catholic. During a Boy Scout Sunday we attended with my son at a Methodist Church hosting the event, my husband decided he liked the minister and felt we should consider making the location our church home. It was indeed a compromise and a welcomed one for us. So after we learned about the Libassi's search for a church to attend, I'm sure we encouraged them to visit with us. Again, it may be that we met through the church and then on the ball field, but I think it was as I've stated already. Either way, we became their host family when they joined the church, and helped to introduce them to the congregation and the community.

We had some good times together, mostly through the ball team, and I remember having dinner (a fabulous lasagna prepared by Steve who loved to cook) in their home as well as attending a graduation party for the son who'd been on my husband's team. Later, Steve wrote a book about football and kicking techniques (Steve had been a kicker in high school/college, I believe) which he enlisted my son to help with since he was an art major in college. I'm not sure if the book was ever published, but I know it was a great experience for my son to work with him on this project. We didn't become as involved as I'd thought we might beyond these connections mentioned, but I always felt a closeness to them forever after.

I've just been reading an online blog written by Mary Sue. I'd discovered it less than a couple of years back, read it then, and stored it away. As I picked up where I'd left off before, I found myself overwhelmed with the life changes that have taken place with both of us. We are now both in similiar places again--both single, but for drastically different reasons. Amazing how our lives continue to parallel one another.

To be continued......

New7Wonders...

...7 on 7/7/07.

Have a safe and HAPPY 4th!!!!