Courage...

...is a quality I lack. I could not even begin this post without looking up the word courage to find out how to classify it. I wrote the first sentence and second-guessed myself about labeling courage as a quality. Go figure--this was the definition in the dictionary:

Courage: quality of being brave: the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action

Truly the definition applies to me. It seems I am lacking in this quality of courage. I especially lack 'the ability to face difficulty or uncertainty without being overcome by fear'. Fear has me in it's ugly grips today. I feel it in my body. My attitude and demeanor show it. I want to isolate from the world and hide my face because I feel so transparent. I am not very brave. I will say that I can handle pain quite well--I seem to have a very high threshold for physical pain--I should know, I seem to suffer a lot these days. Perhaps that is easier to deal with than the typical difficulties and uncertainties in life. Those are oftentimes out of our control. The feeling of being out of control is truly frightening. I can take a pill for physical pain, but I cannot erase fear. I've tried. It's a vicious cycle. Fear and pain, pain and fear. I'd love to get off this ride.