Sigh...is that a 'collective sigh'?!

I think the thing that makes Rob's passing so difficult is that despite his pains, he seemed invincible. We were all rooting for him, if he could survive, then so could we. How frightening to us that he did not.

Now what? Will we survive our own misfortunes?

It's a cruel world, and Rob became our voice, the raised fist that dared to challenge the powers that be. Will we find our own voices to fill such a huge void? I wonder....

Life goes on....

I live with chronic pain and manage it like so many other things in my life, with a passive-aggressive manner. Sometimes, that is confusing, I bitch and moan about it one way or another, but many times the people around me think I'm just being a bitch, I don't always mention the physical pain, I just lash out at someone or about something. I don't get positive feedback about it, as you can imagine. Then I really have something to groan about, because everyone around me is angry.

Someone told me this week, in reponse to my latest rant, that I turn the people around me into '@holes' and that I become a 'pain' to be with. Then, I just feel sorry for myself, because my intentions were misunderstood. It's a vicious cycle. My pain is real, my method of dealing with it is unclear. Most of the time, no one knows I'm feeling any pain, I think I hide it well, until someone ignores me in ways that are hurtful, or says something/anything that offends me even slightly. Then I go off on them as if they should know instinctively about my pain.

You can see how the pain is just recycled over and over in my life. Chronic pain is just that....pain....constant, always there, seldom a break from it, and all I feel I have to share, is, yep, you got it...pain! I live it, breathe it, dish it out, and get it back again. Not much of a life, huh?!

People have always referred to me as analytical, someone who holds things inside, someone inside her head, etc. I turn my pain inward also, beating myself up further with it, as if I've somehow done something in my life to 'deserve it'. It would amaze and baffle me whenever I got feedback from others indicating that maybe I DO deserve it. I would think them insensitive, because I would feel they have no real clue how I feel, and they don't, because I don't 'really' tell them. Dizzy yet? I am...the process of dealing with such pain IS dizzying (is that a word?).

I'm lying here in bed with my laptop, feeling worthless for a number of reasons. I want to be one of those people who, even in the face of great pain, can handle it in a positive and upbeat, maybe even humorous, way. Some days, I just can't, and I feel I have nothing to share anywhere in life. My blog has remained untouched for this very reason. My momma used to tell me, like possibly all of your mommas did, that 'if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all'! Trying to accomplish that is enough to give me this headache!! Life is not always 'nice' to deal with. Are we to pretend otherwise?

Today, I'm in physical pain. I'm in emotional pain. I'm in mental pain. I wish it would go away, just like I wish the news of our fellow-blogger could go away...just not be real. My only consolation is knowing that he won't have to wake up another day feeling like I do, or worse. We are left to deal with our own personal pain over the loss of one we came to care for so much, and it's just that, painful. The last e-mail he sent to me made quite a statement....I think one worth sharing...he always DID say it better, didn't he?! I'll challenge myself everyday, in his memory, to keep getting up, keep getting out of bed, and to keep writing.

In his own words:

"Yeah, growing old sucks. I will not be surprised if I wake up one moring(sic), crank myself out of bed, feel a little light when I stand up, then look over my shoulder to discover that my boney ass fell right off while I was asleep. It'll be laying there in the bed like a tossed hubcap."

"Dayum! I wish I could still chase an ice cream truck."

"You get the last TWO bumper stickers I have. Thanks for writing.''

Rob

I hope he's chasing that ice cream truck, wherever he is, and I hope it has BOTH my bumper stickers on it!!!

"God's finger touched him, and he slept..."

I wake up this morning and my grief is enormous, and I ask myself why (though.."Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die.")? The man was enormous, he dared to say what we all were thinking, and he did it so well. Whether you liked him or not, agreed with him or not, you had to appreciate this about him. He was a prolific writer. I really feel he was 'one of a kind'. He will be sorely missed.

The silence is deafening...he had so much more to say, I am certain, and I wanted to hear it. Today, I feel like I have no place to go. But then my next thought is for the network of friends he created, all of his readers, many who became 'real life' friends with him, and those of us who were not as fortunate, were still made to feel as if we knew him (and one another). He was gifted in that way, and we were the better for it. We became part of his 'family' in a sense, and he wove this magic with his words, and I looked forward to my daily dose of 'Acidman', as I know many did. Today, I know I am not the only one grieving, and in a way I feel a bit selfish here, but then what's one to do when left behind with such a great void?

My heart goes out to his 'real family', his daughter, Sam, and son, Quinton, and his brother, of whom he was very proud (and if I misued whom here, I'm sure he's cussin' about that, as well as my mistakes in grammar), and his dear grandmother. It was obvious he loved them all so much, and my thoughts and prayers are with them today and in all the days ahead.

Thinking of him just now, it's so difficult to decide what I feel most. I go from wanting to post a pic of my 'red toenails' in his memory, ha, to feeling sadness for what this means to blogdom. Then I think of the example he was for all of us 'aspiring bloggers', and I'm grateful, we will always have that...his words will live forever in our hearts...I know he will continue to inspire us.

One of my favorite poets is Alfred, Lord Tenneyson. My favorite poem is 'In Memoriam A.H.H.' a poem written in memory of his dear friend, Arthur Henry Hallam, who died at a very young age. Later, I will share some of my favorite lines from that poem here in Rob's memory, but would urge those of you who knew him to find this poem and read it for yourself. One of the best lines from another of his poems, 'Ulysses', is, "I am a part of all that I have met." I know that each of us will carry in our hearts and minds, some part of the 'magic' that was 'Acidman' for the rest of our days! May he rest in peace.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

I actually purchased this card. At the moment, it seems to contain my most truthful sentiments!! I truly hope each of you have a great day!!

What matters most....

Today, I'm experiencing a personal 'break-through'. I didn't even realize I was 'due one', but then isn't that the best kind, the most effective? Not knowing that you 'need' one means you've stopped trying so hard to analyze, realize, and control every single aspect of your life....in other words, you are just being, well, YOU?!

Doing so can be somewhat liberating, until you come face-to-face with yourself again, and you see that 'issues' are still looming, staring back at you. You hear what others are saying to you, about you, maybe you don't 'hear' them necessarily, but you do 'see/hear' yourself mirrored back, finally, and that IS the one constant, right...yourself? Others only 'faciliate' (knowingly or unknowingly) this arrival...and only after you clearly 'see' yourself, can you determine whether their role in your life is healthy or otherwise. Regardless, others are not to blame, not accountable for YOUR part in what's taking place...only for their role.

I've heard these very words over and over and over (yes, 'ad-nauseam') without FULLY 'understanding' (practicing) how they apply. What matters today, is that I've had the 'break-through', and I'm ready to move on....

'Rainy Days and Mondays'

There are sights, sounds, and scents that frame our memories. I awoke this morning to one of them...I heard rain outside my bedroom window. While my aching joints provide one feeling, along with a sense of reality, my mind takes me back to a time when I was six years old. Momentarily, I am there again, but my mind races ahead to the 'to do list' I composed in my head last night before falling asleep. Today, I'm thinking it's a cruel thing to do to one's self before retiring, if a peaceful sleep is sought, so I put it aside.

As I resume the memory, I open the door, leading to the deck, and take a deep breath. Ahh!! I breathe in the fresh smell, and become aware of the feeling in the air that beckons me back to that day many years ago. Both the scent and the sight, permeate my body, awakening all of my senses. I close my eyes and listen for a moment, breathe....ahh...I want to stay in that place in time forever, a place where life felt secure, in a time before I knew it could be anything but safe...in a place where time seemed to stand still, kind of like this moment...a place where I would 'want' time to stand still.

Looking out, I realize another season of my life has arrived. I take a picture, in my mind's eye, then with my camera (I've captured photos of two other seasons and placed them here, so it seems fitting). And then, the words to a haunting melody come to mind...framing yet another time in my life, another season.



In that time, I am a young 'woman' away at college, transported from the shelter of the elementary school basement, where the bus driver deposited my classmates and I, on yet another rainy day, to my university dorm room. Simultaneously, as each of the spaces become clearer, then vivid and sharply focused in my mind's eye, snap (!!), I feel myself surrounded by those places once again. My chest seems to literally expand, my body feels as if it has become enlarged. The years span before me, and the memories carry me from one place to another, and back again, to this very moment.



I want to alter the words of the song playing in my mind just now, give them new meaning perhaps. In 'this place' I have the power, right? 'Rainy days and Mondays always'....take me back (to a place, back to a memory, where life was everything I want to embrace today)....

This day is a memory 'in the making'...and I am keenly aware of the significance of my ability to create.....