Today I discarded my inhibitions and wrote from my heart....I was aware of grammar...I checked my spelling...I was proud of the post...I felt it was the first 'honest' and heartfelt entry I'd written so far. I even had it posted on this blog at one point. Then I discovered I had removed a space between paragraphs that needed to be there, so I went back to the blogger to insert the space. After I finished w/the draft and felt the post was on the blog....I deleted what I thought was an old draft of the entry, believing the final draft was posted and would remain on the blog...WRONG!!! I deleted the post from both sites. BUMMER!!! I really don't feel I can reconstruct the post to it's original form. I am so disturbed by this...grrrrr!!!!

I'm wondering how to avoid this in the future...it's disturbing to have mastered my feelings by putting them into words only to lose the results. I gained insight to what I was feeling about the particular subject, so I suppose that matters most.

Yours Truly & Arlo.....

'Good morning America, how are ya?' Little over a week ago I experienced singing along with the great folk music icon, Arlo Guthrie, these very lyrics. What a peak experience!! As the words to 'Alice's Restaurant' spilled out of my mouth, I laughed and cried at the same time...what a high...that the fabric of my youth was woven into the present in such a real and profound way!! With Pete Seeger's grandson as part of the program...life just could not get any better....sharing the lines to Woody Guthrie's 'This Land Is Your Land' was indeed 'icing on the cake.'

As I reflect today, no wonder I'm feeling content...touching hands that reached forward from generations past....to unite us in ways unimaginable....such are the experiences that make me love life and my country!!

Why is it unsettling to experience serenity? Why is contentment to be feared? Can one embrace these feelings and continue to grow and change? Perhaps the experience of them IS growth?!?! Neither is likely a permanent state...change is constant. So what's to fear? Ha!! 'Nothing but fear itself'?!?!

Quote for the day:

Ability:

"Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it."

A.A. Milne (1882-1956)
British writer
The House at Pooh Corner, 1928.

Recently there was a bit of criticism offered, it seemed, concerning women writing blogs that pertain to 'personal issues'.....as if loftier, more philosophical, perhaps 'manly' entries were superior? Likely a comparison was being made with no judgment...I'm not sure...regardless, today as I reflect on this conversation, I wonder...are women just more courageous when it comes to being 'truthful'? Are we less deceitful/manipulative and therefore, capable of sharing our 'reality'? Are we unafraid to experience a 'reality'...to name it....to identify with it...to 'own' it...to be so 'human'? If we wax 'philosophical'...we can remain distant....searching...seeking for something beyond what is present..(in other words...NOT present..ha!!)...it's safer....Women are tough...we can bare our souls....we can take the criticism.....the judgment....Perhaps we are the 'enlightened' ones...we dare to judge our own experiences and make them accessible..isn't that what most 'great' philosophers do? One needs to weigh the possibility, when daring to communicate with the opposite sex, that a response may include a punitive reaction.....so when 'baring our souls'..we need to find/create a 'balance' in the communication....otherwise, we should be prepared for the isolation/solitude that comes with this 'exposure'.....the price we pay for being 'honest'.....

I've just returned from the pharmacy where I went to obtain medication for a horrendous migraine I am suffering..(likely brought on by lack of sleep, improper diet and exercise, not to mention little exposure to the outdoors..all triggers I can likely deal with...although, it seems the continual rain this week is a contributing factor, as well)...but as I drove to the store, I spotted a fallen tree mere blocks from my home...seems lightning had struck, ripping it into...taking a lamppost in the yard and other things with it...at least I was spared having to deal with that kind of weather-related issue...Then as I pulled out of the parking lot heading back home...I saw in the parking lot across the street, a woman walking to her car from a pharmacy there....her head was completely bald (I'm guessing cancer)....talk about perspective.......

Manipulation...a tactic often utilized....sometimes subconsciously....(generally it's apparent, if one is paying attention)......But often times it IS very deliberate...a means to an end....and is therefore, deceptive.

Accepting that one has been manipulated is unsettling....embarrassing....because one has participated on some level....one has likely manipulated also...Deception...I for one, am not comfortable with it...awareness....acceptance changes everything....

Today I feel no enthusiasm for life...as if I am just 'walking dead'....no passion...no laughter....no lust for life.....no nothing...the nothingness swallows me up....I don't even feel consumed by it...I FEEL nothing...except this bad feeling...of NOT feeling....

How do I get out of bed? Where will I go...what will I do? I don't even care. And I wonder....why?!?!