'He's Just Not That Into You'....

...or maybe he IS!!!

I often find myself doing a lot of thinking, reflecting, processing while sitting in a very hot tub of water...or while indulging in a bubble bath o o O O O O!!! Recently a memory, triggered by a visit from my son, which generally connects me to my ex temporarily, motivated me to begin a list of my own (based on the book by the same title) of ways you can know if 'he's just not that into you' .

The memory I recorded was this: 'He's just not that into you if while you're giving birth to his baby, he's flirting with the attending nurse.' That thought spawned an entire list of my own that is still growing.

My daughter and I discussed this later (she's cool when sharing about the difficulty I have with being forced to be in touch with her father again), so she got a kick out of this and added to the list as well....we even considered beginning a blog with this list for everyone else to add to...hmmm...just a thought. Anyway, I'm now finding myself paying closer attention to how women are being treated publicly/openly by their boyfriends, significant others, and husbands, and this has provided more fodder for the list.

I was in a donut shop last week for my occasional bear claw and cuppa joe, when this darling white-haired couple (who looked to be in their 80s) came in for coffee. When the owner/clerk presented their coffee in styrofoam cups, the man complained and asked for a 'real cup' for his coffee. The owner explained that he was struggling, as are so many others these days, due to the economical crisis and that he'd had to let his dishwasher go and found it easier to use throw away cups instead of trying to keep up with washing the dirty dishes...to which the older gentleman replied, "It's too bad you're not lucky like me. I have two dishwashers. One at home and this one (pointing to his wife)."

I just rolled my eyes, teased the husband about not doing his own dishes or seeing himself as a dishwasher, and then went immediately to my car to write that one down for the list. Yep, I think he's 'just not that into you' if he refers to you as his dishwasher. Now that I am mindful of it, it's amazing the condescension that abounds for all to hear. I'm sure such remarks have much to do with the undermining of our good sense of self.

Anyway, after days of this kind of reflection -- and a few long lists later -- I got the idea that perhaps I should take a more positive approach and begin a list of how 'you know when he IS into you'. I haven't begun the list yet, but sometimes just putting a thought out into the universe will manifest the very thing you desire.

For example, in a social setting I attended over the weekend, primarily made up of baby boomers, I met an awesome younger couple with an eight week old baby (well, she was younger...he was between her age and mine...yep, you guessed it, second marriage for him/first for her...still it gives one hope). He was delightful to speak with -- very taken with his wife and new mommy and expressive about it. He was also encouraging and supportive toward me as a single person, as well. That was refreshing and affirmed my need to compile a more positive list and to look for those qualities in a person instead of always complaining about the negative or expecting the worst.

This afternoon I found this list and literally wiped away a tear or two as I read it. While in conversation with the aforementioned guy, we concluded that everyone has at least a few personal issues and that success in a relationship comes with finding another who accepts this reality and tolerates your issues with relative ease.

I like this new list the universe provided, and I'm proud of myself for getting out into the real world again. There are tidbits of wisdom to be found in donut shops and social functions (not to mention online) alike if we just become attuned! :))

Separation

My son left just a couple of days ago after a brief visit 'home'. I'm finding it difficult to put away the last remnants of our time spent together -- leftover food, a few dishes out of place, an unmade bed, towels strewn around the bathroom, and various items he moved from their original place to a different location. The latter is in line with my thought process as I reluctantly replace things. When a family moves away from home does that begin a chain reaction of sorts? Stay with me...

I was feeling rather sad that our visits are so brief. Both of my children live states apart from us and one another. My ex brought us all here when they were both babies, both still in diapers. I left behind family and life long friends. Nearly thirty years later I can tell you that had I known what I know today, I would have stayed at home.

There are natural separations and those you choose. We naturally leave our mother's womb without straying too far away in the formative years. We separate and go to school (I question how natural that is), and we make our own friends in the big world. Eventually we form a group of friends and often spend as much time with them as with our family. Perhaps we date and marry and the cycle begins again.

Many of us stay very close to our family of origin. Some of us do not. Today I wonder what the statistics are for divorce in families who decide to move away from home?! Are we trading opportunities for work, to see more of the world, to become very independent and distant for the closeness of family and friends? Have we 'really' gained anything by doing so?! Is the trade-off worth it? I'm beginning to think not.

My husband didn't seem to have a problem leaving everyone from his childhood behind, after all, his father did the same thing. His dad then traveled and was an absentee father as a result. Perhaps it seemed 'natural' for him to do this. I, on the other hand, had a father and mother who did not move far from their families. We visited with family nearly every week. Moving away was major to me, but I thought I would be establishing my own 'family' and that I would be fine.

Today as I sit here alone I wonder...was the move an indication of things to come?! My kids followed in the footsetps of their father -- as I mentioned, they've moved states away from us and one another. We don't seem close anymore. Visits are brief and often leave me wanting more...more closeness, more family time, more of what is most important in life. Today I have no husband and no kids within miles. Many of my friends have moved on, too, so I often feel literally alone. I am separated from my original family and friends in so many ways besides distance. I gave up life experience with them and that makes it difficult to go back even though I have very little to hold me here now. I don't feel I can follow my children.

Independence is not all it's cracked up to be. Separation is just that -- separation. I'd much rather have my children living nearby than to take a cruise or see Paris or London. Nothing I can see or visit in this world could ever provide a greater feeling of peace and contentment than having my family near. Who knew...