Food for Thought!!

CNN ran a story about the benefits of maintaining a level of balanced spending. The anchors, two females and one male, tossed around the phrases 'buyer's remorse' and the new term 'saver's remorse'. The psychologist explained that the need to constantly save/saver's remorse was more damaging than buying too much (within reason)/buyer's remorse.




The topic of overspending was one I had often heard during my marriage, separation, and divorce. I was elated to hear the psychologist explain that an overspender is "seeking to gain some control over their life -- to take back some power". It seems ironic to say that acting out of control creates a feeling of control, actually of being 'in control'. This speaks to the heart of the problem I had with my ex. His need to have power over me and to control me with money explains why I 'acted out' in an effort to feel deserving, to feel valued and in control of my spending, and capable of managing my own life -- in other words, to feel some power over my own person. It was indeed an effort to regain control of my own life and decisions/choices when I felt that right had been robbed from me.

Equally, those who have witnessed my separation and divorce tell me he seems more in control of my life now than ever. He has taken advantage of me by withholding my fair share in the settlement. He hid his net worth (don't they all?) forcing me to settle out of court. I was already pinching pennies before the recession began. Finally, he has the control he sought now that he dictates my budget.

I explained to him many times that my behavior was NOT about the money, rather I desired independence -- to be trusted with the money and treated as an equal. He felt he could hold himself accountable with money, so I wanted to be held accountable in the same manner. He could never accept that my behavior was a knee-jerk reaction'to his need to control everything and everyone in his life based on his own insecurities and dysfunction. No, he had to play them out in MY life. This is how he has dealt with most things in life -- blaming someone else for why he feels so rotten, forcing their hand, controlling them, thus allowing himself to remain in denial.

It is amazing how liberating this brief news segment was for me! Hearing it helped me understand why it worked for him to become an adulterer. He set me up as a person to blame for his feelings/actions so he could justify being greedy and controlling in every other area of his life. Being married and miserable allowed him to keep even his mistresses under control. The fact is, he is really noncommittal, weak, and self-absorbed, and now he has ME to blame, ha! Makes perfect (illogical) sense when seen in this context.

The female anchor shared that she felt buyer's remorse mostly over shoes she'd purchased, the other female over a leopard print dress she'd never worn, while the male anchor woke up in the middle of the night sweating over a tractor/lawn mower he'd bought (funny, men always buy the 'big toys'). Their solution was telling -- the woman with the shoe issue said she'd take the other woman's dress, and the man said he'd shred it with his lawn mower. Hmmm...just another example of which gender has the most sane idea. I can remember my ex threatening to throw out all my 'stuff'. He sometimes was careless with his own things and would leave things in places where they were destroyed or rendered useless explaining that he would just buy replacements. I wonder, who was most frugal in this marriage?!

Sometimes stepping back and viewing a situation from another perspective is helpful. The implications may have been there all along, but somehow I just didn't see them as clearly before.

Now I believe I need to go out and feed my desire to spend...this time without guilt!!

Dealing with fears...

I've only voted once in a major election and that was in the year I turned 21. Back then I was very naive and optimistic. I won't elaborate about this statement, though I am tempted to say more. I will share that I voted for two winners that year -- a Republican president and a Democratic governor...both failures in my mind in hindsight (I came to know the latter personally a few years after his election). I've never voted again. I've learned that a politician is a politician is a politician. Weeks into our new presidency, I'm still convinced this is true.

I suppose the decision to stop voting made me feel immune to criticism for helping to elect someone who does not fulfill their promises. I rarely talk about politics, I bury my head, and I just ignore as much as I can. This does not mean I don't pay attention, nor that I'm unconcerned with what's happening. I care deeply. I admit to a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to politics and sharing a dialogue about it. I'm embarrassed that I don't know enough to sound as intelligent as those around me who freely speak their minds on these matters. Actually, I'm envious of those people. I wish I knew enough to join in and share my thoughts without feeling so exposed.

I'm thinking about the matter now because the one candidate I would have voted for this past election is making news today -- Republican Congressman Ron Paul. When the candidates were on the campaign trail, this man appeared to have a solid constitution and displayed wisdom based on experience. He maintained a quiet demeanor while carefully choosing words of knowledge to share about what was going on in the world at large (and in the political realm). I felt that if he were elected we would have a seasoned leader on our side.

One of my primary concerns throughout the campaign was in regard to how to end the war. Ron Paul's ideas and input seemed realistic. I felt he knew what was going on overseas, as well as at home, and why, and that given the opportunity he would know how to meticulously lead us to a better place. He talked a good talk whenever he was 'allowed' enough time to do so.

As with most elections, the 'best' man (imho) didn't make it very far in the campaign...most never do. They aren't flashy enough, not sexy enough, not 'savvy' enough (or perhaps I should say shrewd/crafty/manipulative enough) to make it to the polls on election day. What a pity. I'm embarrassed that we elect (and continue to listen to) 'men' like Bill Clinton among others who become and remain high profile.

Perhaps I'm coming full circle today. I'm at least pondering what I could have done to help elect a better man, or at least to help carry someone worthwhile to the polls for consideration. I'm frightened, like so many Americans, of where this President is taking us and where it all will end.

Ron Paul posed a good question this morning when he asked why more money would be given to folks who've already proven they do not know how to handle money responsibly. He respectfully and rightly pointed to the failure of the administration to take 'time' to carefully analyze these issues before making a decision about what to do. This is where experience would benefit us as a nation. If one is not equipped to make these decisions (and yet takes the lead making them despite the protests from the Congress and others), he should at least take the appropriate time to assess the situation before responding with a knee-jerk reaction just to placate those who are sitting on the edge of their seats cheering him on with the false belief that he is somehow going to save us all. Don't get me wrong, I think our President is an intelligent/articulate man (which does not necessarily qualify him for anything), but I've always felt his lack of experience would be his/our downfall.

The time may have been right for unity on some level...of race and party...and I'm proud of us for hoping to bring this about. But I feel it could have been accomplished in other ways, so maybe this was NOT the time to be concerned about that kind of unity. I will admit to getting caught up myself in the frenzy and that line of thinking. Change -- the fulfillment of dreams in a lifetime. Perhaps it was just that...a dream that may not have found its proper time?!

No need for words...

My favorite 'new' find!!!