Food for Thought!!
CNN ran a story about the benefits of maintaining a level of balanced spending. The anchors, two females and one male, tossed around the phrases 'buyer's remorse' and the new term 'saver's remorse'. The psychologist explained that the need to constantly save/saver's remorse was more damaging than buying too much (within reason)/buyer's remorse.
The topic of overspending was one I had often heard during my marriage, separation, and divorce. I was elated to hear the psychologist explain that an overspender is "seeking to gain some control over their life -- to take back some power". It seems ironic to say that acting out of control creates a feeling of control, actually of being 'in control'. This speaks to the heart of the problem I had with my ex. His need to have power over me and to control me with money explains why I 'acted out' in an effort to feel deserving, to feel valued and in control of my spending, and capable of managing my own life -- in other words, to feel some power over my own person. It was indeed an effort to regain control of my own life and decisions/choices when I felt that right had been robbed from me.
Equally, those who have witnessed my separation and divorce tell me he seems more in control of my life now than ever. He has taken advantage of me by withholding my fair share in the settlement. He hid his net worth (don't they all?) forcing me to settle out of court. I was already pinching pennies before the recession began. Finally, he has the control he sought now that he dictates my budget.
I explained to him many times that my behavior was NOT about the money, rather I desired independence -- to be trusted with the money and treated as an equal. He felt he could hold himself accountable with money, so I wanted to be held accountable in the same manner. He could never accept that my behavior was a knee-jerk reaction'to his need to control everything and everyone in his life based on his own insecurities and dysfunction. No, he had to play them out in MY life. This is how he has dealt with most things in life -- blaming someone else for why he feels so rotten, forcing their hand, controlling them, thus allowing himself to remain in denial.
It is amazing how liberating this brief news segment was for me! Hearing it helped me understand why it worked for him to become an adulterer. He set me up as a person to blame for his feelings/actions so he could justify being greedy and controlling in every other area of his life. Being married and miserable allowed him to keep even his mistresses under control. The fact is, he is really noncommittal, weak, and self-absorbed, and now he has ME to blame, ha! Makes perfect (illogical) sense when seen in this context.
The female anchor shared that she felt buyer's remorse mostly over shoes she'd purchased, the other female over a leopard print dress she'd never worn, while the male anchor woke up in the middle of the night sweating over a tractor/lawn mower he'd bought (funny, men always buy the 'big toys'). Their solution was telling -- the woman with the shoe issue said she'd take the other woman's dress, and the man said he'd shred it with his lawn mower. Hmmm...just another example of which gender has the most sane idea. I can remember my ex threatening to throw out all my 'stuff'. He sometimes was careless with his own things and would leave things in places where they were destroyed or rendered useless explaining that he would just buy replacements. I wonder, who was most frugal in this marriage?!
Sometimes stepping back and viewing a situation from another perspective is helpful. The implications may have been there all along, but somehow I just didn't see them as clearly before.
Now I believe I need to go out and feed my desire to spend...this time without guilt!!
The topic of overspending was one I had often heard during my marriage, separation, and divorce. I was elated to hear the psychologist explain that an overspender is "seeking to gain some control over their life -- to take back some power". It seems ironic to say that acting out of control creates a feeling of control, actually of being 'in control'. This speaks to the heart of the problem I had with my ex. His need to have power over me and to control me with money explains why I 'acted out' in an effort to feel deserving, to feel valued and in control of my spending, and capable of managing my own life -- in other words, to feel some power over my own person. It was indeed an effort to regain control of my own life and decisions/choices when I felt that right had been robbed from me.
Equally, those who have witnessed my separation and divorce tell me he seems more in control of my life now than ever. He has taken advantage of me by withholding my fair share in the settlement. He hid his net worth (don't they all?) forcing me to settle out of court. I was already pinching pennies before the recession began. Finally, he has the control he sought now that he dictates my budget.
I explained to him many times that my behavior was NOT about the money, rather I desired independence -- to be trusted with the money and treated as an equal. He felt he could hold himself accountable with money, so I wanted to be held accountable in the same manner. He could never accept that my behavior was a knee-jerk reaction'to his need to control everything and everyone in his life based on his own insecurities and dysfunction. No, he had to play them out in MY life. This is how he has dealt with most things in life -- blaming someone else for why he feels so rotten, forcing their hand, controlling them, thus allowing himself to remain in denial.
It is amazing how liberating this brief news segment was for me! Hearing it helped me understand why it worked for him to become an adulterer. He set me up as a person to blame for his feelings/actions so he could justify being greedy and controlling in every other area of his life. Being married and miserable allowed him to keep even his mistresses under control. The fact is, he is really noncommittal, weak, and self-absorbed, and now he has ME to blame, ha! Makes perfect (illogical) sense when seen in this context.
The female anchor shared that she felt buyer's remorse mostly over shoes she'd purchased, the other female over a leopard print dress she'd never worn, while the male anchor woke up in the middle of the night sweating over a tractor/lawn mower he'd bought (funny, men always buy the 'big toys'). Their solution was telling -- the woman with the shoe issue said she'd take the other woman's dress, and the man said he'd shred it with his lawn mower. Hmmm...just another example of which gender has the most sane idea. I can remember my ex threatening to throw out all my 'stuff'. He sometimes was careless with his own things and would leave things in places where they were destroyed or rendered useless explaining that he would just buy replacements. I wonder, who was most frugal in this marriage?!
Sometimes stepping back and viewing a situation from another perspective is helpful. The implications may have been there all along, but somehow I just didn't see them as clearly before.
Now I believe I need to go out and feed my desire to spend...this time without guilt!!
posted by Di at 7:33 AM
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