The Short List...

There were opportunities in my life that did not unfold the way I'd wished. If I could relive those times in the here and now, I would be determined to achieve the goals I desired. I would not rely on others for approval or validation. I would realize my desires were within my reach. I would have obtained what I wanted on my own and for my pleasure alone if necessary. That would have been 'good enough' for me.

My goals were very basic. The items I wished for had intrinsic value to me alone, I suppose. This should have been all that mattered. They were to contribute to the way I saw myself and the life unfolding before me. My dreams were MY dreams, that should have been accepted, not rejected. I should have moved past the rejection to retain my sense of self and happiness.

I can't go back. I can, and have, obtained some of the material things I was told I could not have. There is a sense of fulfillment in that. The 'short list' I wished to obtain was much more meaningful than the long one that became a substitute. There IS no substitute for self. To fill in with something else is to live a lie.

Today I'm aware that I am completely surrounded by the result of the lies. I feel it is essential to my well-being to get rid of the clutter that was created after I ignored my dreams. By contrast, my desires would have provided a simple landscape as opposed to the one I've lived with all these years. Perhaps I can let go and return to that original plan that did not unfold along the way. Perhaps I CAN still have it all. Ironically, that list is truly a short one.

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BTW, except for one, the items linked are now in my possession. :)) There are a couple of larger items on the list that I left out--perhaps they will find their way into my future.

HAPPY ST. PAT'S DAY!!!!

A traditional 'Southern/Irish' meal in our household...one I cooked for myself in the past...colcannon, meatloaf and a bit of cornbread with some sweet iced tea!! Yumm!!! Enjoy your day!!!!

Letting go...

My ex called yesterday and we actually had a 'civil' phone conversation. Though he had a specific reason for calling, the exchange began to focus more on personal issues, primarily the kids, but still, this was a pleasant break from the typical chats we've had in the past. I do hope we are at least 'turning a corner'. Granted, I initiated the shift, but that he was receptive and seemed to actually 'hear' what I was sharing, was major! I truthfully let him know I still harbor resentment and cynicism, but I was attempting to make connections that would help me to gradually let them go. I felt this conversation was a good beginning.

Some of you may wonder why I've gone overboard with the 'Taylor-Simon' family music videos. Back in the seventies, yikes I'm old, when my ex and I were dating, and later when we married and began a family, a James Taylor recording playing in the background became the 'glue' that always held us together. We could have our ups and downs and bumps in the road, but when all else failed, James seemed to restore a quiet calm to those times. Whenever I hear his music, I am reminded of the better parts of our past.

I attended (waddled to--ha!) my first James Taylor concert in 1980 when I was nine months pregnant with my first child (son)--I was determined to see him at long last, despite my big round and very large belly. The timing seemed very appropriate, actually, we'd always considered a name for our child based on something relating to the singer. James was such an inspiration. We toyed with Taylor, J.T., and others. The name came later with the second child (daughter), Sarah, whose name we chose after hearing his song 'Sarah Maria' repeatedly on one of his albums (he too has a child named Sarah/'Sally', whom you've seen in the video below with her mom, Carly Simon, and brother, Ben Taylor). I think we first saw 'Sally' in a cameo clip singing with her father on the 'Sesame Street' televison program back in the day--in fact, I still have that clip on a video that I bought for my kids years ago.

So, I wouldn't say I was an 'obsessed fan', but I AM a fan of this family. It's as if we entered the significant times of our lives together, divorce included, though I/we hung in there longer than James and Carly. What I am enjoying about them now is how they seem to still be 'unified' as a 'family' on some level--even if it's just to acknowledge this fact in song. James and Carly once performed his song 'You Can Close Your Eyes' with him while they were a couple.

Today she's performing the same song with her children and it's on her new CD, 'Into White'. There are video clips of her family, their musical friends (like David Saw), and James' siblings all over the internet, typically singing in the living room, a bedroom, or on the sun porch of their homes as you've seen in the clips I've provided. Perhaps it's just 'good marketing', but I think that even to market this way is to have some respect for the significance of family. Granted neither my family nor theirs is the 'perfect' family, but I suppose that is what appeals to me even now. Mistakes were made--life experiences were not always pleasant--but we all still have one another, we are still 'family', and I'm happy that the music continues. Some things change, yes, but it's nice that some things remain the same, and that gives me hope!

So after the conversation with my ex yesterday, I will send him the copy of Carly's CD mentioned above because he was receptive to the idea. It was nice that we could agree that this much was/is a bond/memory that is worth keeping and holding close. He's not heard it yet, but included on it are several significant songs. 'Blackbird' is the song my ex played on his guitar and sang to me the night after we'd come in from our first date. He had a bottle of wine, his guitar, that tune and me for an audience. At the time, this seemed perfect. He was trying so hard to impress, and that night, he did! Besides the 'You Can Close Your Eyes' tune, which is very moving, 'Devoted to You' is included. That song was played in the background at our wedding.

I'm actually excited now about sharing this CD with him. It's nice to know there are some things we still have in common and can always share! Ironic, huh?! By sharing, I'm also letting go!

(James and daughter, Sally)



(Ben Taylor)

I'm in awe of this extended musical family...

...and a little envious too!! Now we have James' sister, Kate!! I think Ben Taylor and David Saw's guitars are so beautifully blended--their performances together are indeed moving--I truly feel they could be the 'Lennon and McCartney' duo of this generation!!