Today I am wondering....
...about a number of things. I have questions for which I would really like some answers.
I wonder why it is that after I spent my lifetime creating beautiful, meaningful memories, I was told by the parties involved, and by friends and family members, to 'forget the memories and move on,' rather than to build upon them. I wonder how someone could be so cruel, as to tell me in this situation, to 'get a life' after having invested so many years in creating my life, through good times and bad (and feeling quite successful in doing so, I might add)? I wonder how others could make decisions (involving my life) that would contribute to destroying the 'reward' of my creation. I wonder how someone could be so thoughtless and self-centered.
I wonder why post-divorce when I spoke with my lawyer and needed him to come out and take a look at some physical problems with my house, I felt it necessary to have another male around. Instinct, I wonder? I wonder why that even with these safeguards in place, he still cornered me with a 'bear hug' I could not escape, so that he could plant a kiss on my lips? I wonder why he decided, at that point, it was okay to become unprofessional with me.
I wonder why I feel I can't tell someone? I wonder why I feel it won't matter, even if I do, or that somehow I'll become the guilty party.
I wonder if the accusation he made before he left, concerning the nature of my relationship with the male friend, was intended as 'blackmail', as well as the follow-up letter he sent to my home a few days later implying/suggesting that the friend could actually become a 'threat'/a reason to lose my alimony? I wonder if that letter, with that suggestion, was intended as a threat...a means of silencing me, so that I would not threaten him?
I wonder why later, when I called him again (pretending, almost, that nothing had happened), to have him clairfy a specific term in my settlement that only he could explain (since he was responsible for composing the term), why he changed the subject to an 'inquiry' about the nature of my past sexual relationship with my ex. He told me he wanted to explain to me why my ex, like so many men he'd observed in divorces, felt the need to become a cheater. I wonder why my lawyer felt he needed to explain this to me, when all I wanted to ask about was my health insurance?
I wonder why he did not end that 'dialogue' after I continued to discuss the reason I called? I wonder if he mentioned my male friend again as a threat if I did not entertain his line of questioning. I wonder why he felt it was okay to ask me if I gave my husband 'blow jobs' during our marriage, and if so, did I 'spit or swallow?!' I wonder why I stayed frozen with the phone in my hand at that moment.
I wonder how many women have suffered this kind of indignity with him? I wonder how he manages to keep his license to pratice law.
I wonder if I learned early in life to believe my voice would not be heard if I complained. I wonder if it would feel satisfying to speak up and tell my side of a story, even if I have to suffer humiliation in the process?
I wonder if my parents really expected me to 'be seen and not heard?' I wonder if that is why they did not come to my rescue when the blind man they provided a ride to church to, molested me in the back seat of the car when I was only four years old (give or take). I wonder why they did not figure out what he was doing to me when I begged to sit in the front seat with my baby sister? I wonder why they placed me there in the first place, and then ignored me. I wonder if they ever knew.
I wonder about so many other situations that happened to me in life, before and after these specific events, which I find myself wondering about today.
I wonder if I can change the outcome of these situations as they are occurring? I wonder if I am to blame somehow. I wonder if anyone is accountable.
I wonder why others seem to distance themselves from me when I share these kinds of stories? I wonder if I am to blame for everything that happens to me. I wonder if this is to be expected in life, considered life experiences, nothing more?
I wonder if there are any meaningful answers. I wonder if anyone cares?
I wonder why it is that after I spent my lifetime creating beautiful, meaningful memories, I was told by the parties involved, and by friends and family members, to 'forget the memories and move on,' rather than to build upon them. I wonder how someone could be so cruel, as to tell me in this situation, to 'get a life' after having invested so many years in creating my life, through good times and bad (and feeling quite successful in doing so, I might add)? I wonder how others could make decisions (involving my life) that would contribute to destroying the 'reward' of my creation. I wonder how someone could be so thoughtless and self-centered.
I wonder why post-divorce when I spoke with my lawyer and needed him to come out and take a look at some physical problems with my house, I felt it necessary to have another male around. Instinct, I wonder? I wonder why that even with these safeguards in place, he still cornered me with a 'bear hug' I could not escape, so that he could plant a kiss on my lips? I wonder why he decided, at that point, it was okay to become unprofessional with me.
I wonder why I feel I can't tell someone? I wonder why I feel it won't matter, even if I do, or that somehow I'll become the guilty party.
I wonder if the accusation he made before he left, concerning the nature of my relationship with the male friend, was intended as 'blackmail', as well as the follow-up letter he sent to my home a few days later implying/suggesting that the friend could actually become a 'threat'/a reason to lose my alimony? I wonder if that letter, with that suggestion, was intended as a threat...a means of silencing me, so that I would not threaten him?
I wonder why later, when I called him again (pretending, almost, that nothing had happened), to have him clairfy a specific term in my settlement that only he could explain (since he was responsible for composing the term), why he changed the subject to an 'inquiry' about the nature of my past sexual relationship with my ex. He told me he wanted to explain to me why my ex, like so many men he'd observed in divorces, felt the need to become a cheater. I wonder why my lawyer felt he needed to explain this to me, when all I wanted to ask about was my health insurance?
I wonder why he did not end that 'dialogue' after I continued to discuss the reason I called? I wonder if he mentioned my male friend again as a threat if I did not entertain his line of questioning. I wonder why he felt it was okay to ask me if I gave my husband 'blow jobs' during our marriage, and if so, did I 'spit or swallow?!' I wonder why I stayed frozen with the phone in my hand at that moment.
I wonder how many women have suffered this kind of indignity with him? I wonder how he manages to keep his license to pratice law.
I wonder if I learned early in life to believe my voice would not be heard if I complained. I wonder if it would feel satisfying to speak up and tell my side of a story, even if I have to suffer humiliation in the process?
I wonder if my parents really expected me to 'be seen and not heard?' I wonder if that is why they did not come to my rescue when the blind man they provided a ride to church to, molested me in the back seat of the car when I was only four years old (give or take). I wonder why they did not figure out what he was doing to me when I begged to sit in the front seat with my baby sister? I wonder why they placed me there in the first place, and then ignored me. I wonder if they ever knew.
I wonder about so many other situations that happened to me in life, before and after these specific events, which I find myself wondering about today.
I wonder if I can change the outcome of these situations as they are occurring? I wonder if I am to blame somehow. I wonder if anyone is accountable.
I wonder why others seem to distance themselves from me when I share these kinds of stories? I wonder if I am to blame for everything that happens to me. I wonder if this is to be expected in life, considered life experiences, nothing more?
I wonder if there are any meaningful answers. I wonder if anyone cares?
posted by Di at 9:21 AM
4 Comments:
That was an amazing post Di.
I hope you have someone there to share this with.
I hope you ended up getting fair representation in your divorce.
It takes a severely callous man to take advantage of a woman in that situation. unfortunately, we see why many lawyers get their reputation.
i go back sometimes and think why my parents acted certain ways, and how i can react better for my children. i guess that's the eternal struggle.
thanks for sharing.
I care. You're not alone.
Thanks, you two!! The beauty in baring your soul in bloggersville, is discovering that others really care and are here for support and encouragement.
so true!
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