If I were to agree with the sentiments in the cards and other birthday related markers shared with me over the past (more than I care to state) years,  I would clearly believe I was already 'over the hill'!  Today I feel the strain of the climb, so how could I be OVER that HILL already?!  How long will this climb continue to challenge me?!  Perhaps until I realize I can always let go, slide on down the hill and set myself free!  Hmm...can it really be that simple?!

"It's Not My Fault"

I've often listed "Dangerous Liaisons" as one of my all time favorite movies.  More recently, I've discovered the TV series, "Smash" and I have kept up with the episodes on Hulu.  Today I decided to catch up, and found myself intrigued by a song, "It's Really Not My Fault", in the scene featuring Sean Hayes as "Terrance/Terry Falls" from the latest episode, "Musical Chairs".  In this clip, 'Terry' is starring in a Broadway production, "Liaisons', based on the book/movie.  This song sums up the character he portrays, Vicomte de Valmont.  Viewing this scene allowed me to realize why the movie, "Dangerous Liaisons" affected me so deeply!  I seem to be attracted to men whom this song describes so well!!!  UGH!!!!  It provided a moment of truth for me!  (Read the Storyline of the movie provided in the link above.  Did I think I'd be someone's Madame de Tourvel, but with a happy ending?)   

My New Years resolution was to tell the truth to myself about myself.  That is just one part to a larger theme which includes telling the truth to others about themselves, telling the truth to yourself about others, telling the truth to others about yourself, and ultimately telling the truth to yourself about yourself!  I've spent way too much time blaming others for my attitude of resentment and cynicism, while also relying on these same people for my joy and happiness.  How foolish is that?!  

As I've stated before in this 'dialogue', I've been a very codependent person -- such a caretaker and enabler.  I've often latched onto the kind of personality described in this song.  I suppose I've tried to live vicariously through them.  But they have been narcissistic, self-absorbed, and insecure, not at all self-assured, confident, and healthy.  In fact, most probably lacked self-esteem and felt as inferior as I have.  Many of them appeared arrogant and condescending, like the character in this scene, but I dismissed it.  We were more closely connected than I could or would ever admit in the past when it comes to some of these characteristics, though I felt this, and possibly even lied to myself that it was a 'good thing' that I related to them somehow.  Did I think this connection was compatibility?!

Anyway, hearing the words to this song gave me a jolt!  When you place a thought into the Universe  -- ie:  'I want to discover the truth about myself' -- it typically manifests in some form or fashion.  For me, today, truth came in the form of this program and this particular song!!  By accepting the truth of myself, I had to see myself falling for a guy like the one in the scene!  I saw myself as one of the women strutting around on the stage giving energy to, and adoration for, such a despicable character!!  I've just been "the prey that comes to him".  While 'he' may provide some level of entertainment and 'enlightenment' and connection, 'taking care' of, or catering to, such a character zaps me, ultimately, of my sense of well being, of my pride, and more.  I am reminded that facing the future alone is better than riding on the coattail of another who is just a well-seasoned actor in life!  I want to live my life on my own terms, and it's time I take control!!  To borrow a line from another favorite movie -- "The Wizard of Oz" -- "You've always had the power...",  perhaps it is time to see that I have!!

It IS indeed a NEW YEAR!!!

I'm coming out of a brief time of hibernation -- of being withdrawn from the routines of everyday life.  Perhaps following the preparation for the holidays and survival of the many celebrations, I found this isolation necessary.  I must admit, I didn't feel very positive about myself during the down time, but as I emerge today, I view that time differently.  I am so programmed to beat myself up when I'm in, what is sometimes deemed as, a negative mode.  In fact, it may be one of the most positive of times!  I feel rejuvenated, invigorated, and ready to tackle the new year before me. 

I did not expect to have this feeling today.  I fell asleep last night feeling the literal, physical pain of abuse to my body incurred during the holidays -- too much junk food and exertion (I haven't yet accepted the need to scale back a bit with respect for my aging body), and lack of rest.  In other words, I crashed and felt as if I would never overcome the feeling!  When I rose, I began to attach all those negative messages (baggage) I've carried around for most of my lifetime to the isolation.  I must have processed this in my sleep though, because when I awoke on the sofa to the pounding noise of the TV still blaring, I heard a still inner voice providing me with a clear course of action for the new year.  Mind you, I had not planned to make resolutions that would be ignored once they were made.  But it is a new year, a fact I cannot ignore, so I got out the journal and left notes for myself to remind me of this moment as it fades into the future.  I also began an action list to back up the insight.  Then I looked about me and began organizing the clutter lying all around and moved into the kitchen to nourish my body as a way to energize myself to keep moving!  Felt like a good start to me!!  Simplicity --  that is what I hope to create through my movement into the new year.

Yep, I've come out of the cave!  I won't allow the labels of brooding, isolating, withdrawn, or depressed to define this place where I've been.  Taking time out of a busy schedule is necessary for regrowth.  I'm ready to tend the garden, to prepare for the change and growth that can only come with a goal, a plan for how to make it happen.  Space to form this plan was vital!  I've taken note of what I want to create in the year ahead, and I'm grateful for the gift of time which made this inspiration possible!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  My wish for each of you (from my personal insight saved in my journal) is to create meaningful experiences -- they will always speak to you in encouragement!!  Let this be your guide!  Keep life simple!!  Then you will find you have space to enjoy it!!  And I hope you will!!  I pray for good health for all of us in every aspect of our lives!!  Good luck in fulfilling your goals and plans for a fruitful life!!  We can do it!!  Today is the time to get ready to take action!!  Go forward and thrive!!!  And always take time to rest and reflect on how good life really can be if you respect, value, and trust yourself!!  

Another New Year. . .

. . .and it seems there is nothing new in the universe!

You know you wanted more?!?!

Ocean of Dreams by Chris Henry 

(Featuring Chris Henry & The Hardcore Grass with Sarah Jade/Full Version)

LOVE BLUEGRASS?!?! (Then check out this video!!)

Having a great time in Nashville while visiting with my daughter. She has begun her own entertainment company and has booked some phenomenal bands recently. I've had the privilege of attending some of the performances throughout the past few weeks. I'm especially proud of this video I captured, because she is singing with the band in this clip. Also, it's the first video for me to upload myself to my personal YouTube account. The band featured is Chris Henry & The Hardcore Grass. The song is a Chris Henry original, Ocean of Dreams. You can find him in Facebook, YouTube, and various other places on the internet through the Google search engine.

Momma, you've come a long way!! :)) I hope you enjoy!

I spent the morning (here in Nashville while visiting with my daughter) surfing many of the blogs listed to my right. I've not done this in years now! Wow! Life has changed dramatically for many of us, for those of us still breathing -- unfortunately some are not. I thought I'd be embarrassed by my own rantings from the past, but found myself more accepting of them and proud of my ability to express exactly what I was feeling at different times in my life (at the time it didn't feel this way). Today...it's okay!! I'm in a good place, though I retain certain characteristics that are basically the same as years ago. I won't judge myself for this or try to categorize these traits as good or bad...they just are! What's ironic is that I have a lot to say about where I've been and where I am today...but it just doesn't seem all that important at the moment! I'm still here, and that is all the matters!!! :))