What I Know Today
I recently read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The information contained in that book combined with the accumulation of all the other information I've gathered over my lifetime helped me formulate a theory for how to live my best life. Tolle's book touched on ideas we're all familiar with which have helped to shape our society and our individual lives, but he presented it in a way that makes the use of those ideas doable in everyday life.
After reading his book, I know why people write books and songs and why they create art. While those things may still be categorized as material things, they generally come from the heart and the minds of seekers who hope to leave something of themselves behind, perhaps something they've learned that will inspire or guide others or just make a statement of who they are. When delivered from a loving place inside, this is the ultimate gift one can share, in my opinion. Suddenly it all made sense to me, why sensitive people are so touched by such material, and why the artist must write, or perform, or draw (something I also learned from the poet, Rilke). This unites us, brings us all together, makes a statement sometimes for those of us who are not so blessed with such talent. It gives us voice. We feel heard, valued, loved.
But before I share my nutshell version of what Tolle gave me, I want to touch on the reason I became a 'seeker'. While reading his book I could clearly place people who grew up with dysfunction, who felt wounded and misguided, in two distinct categories, perhaps people who are much the same but manifest themselves in different ways. I'm not sure why one chooses the path they do over the other, I suppose it has something to do with whatever feels safest to them. Anyway, I believe such people become 'seekers' of the 'truth', or they become very superficial people who live in denial of the truth. Go figure, two such people oftentimes become a 'pair' in life. Such is the case with my partner in marriage. I would say that I was the seeker and he the opposite.
I've always looked for answers in books, support groups, therapy/counseling, in songs, in art, in others (to a fault, I was very codependent), etc. I learned a lot this way, but I didn't really find myself. I realized along the way that a good sense of self was what I was missing, but I still didn't know exactly where I was going to find that, if ever. I believe my spouse thought he could give it to me -- RED FLAG!!! Too bad I didn't see it as one back then, I suppose I thought he could too.
We became very codependent in this way, and eventually grew to despise one another because neither delivered what the other felt they should. We were even disappointed in ourselves for this failure, only because neither of us had found our 'self' yet. I believe he is still looking for it in others, since he immediately attached himself to another and her kids. But that's another story and a common one. I've finally forgiven him (not that he needs my forgiveness...I needed to feel it) for this after coming to my newfound conclusions.
November 18 would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. A couple of years ago, he sent me a series of e-mails on that date for some reason, and at one point in our exchanges I noted the date. He severely chastized me, stating that it meant nothing on that day especially, nor quite possibly did it ever mean much before. OUCH!!! As you can imagine, now the date carries the sting of that memory.
So this year, after reading Tolle, I 'got it'! My ex and I used to have conversations over that topic: which of us 'got it' and who didn't. He felt I 'got' something that he didn't, and he informed me he probably never would, so I could forget doing what I'm doing this very minute -- dialoguing my feelings to him endlessly in an effort to 'make him understand what I thought I got and he didn't'. After reading Tolle, it became crystal clear to me. He really did NOT get it!! He didn't want to get it, he would probably (by choice) NEVER get it, and it was futile for me to continue to try to force 'it' upon him.
Today, I understand this. I was the seeker, he wanted to live in denial. I know also, that he has that right, and it has nothing to do with me. With my 30th anniversary approaching and that painful memory, I determined to use the knowledge I found in Tolle's book to help me forgive him for his part in our failed marriage and to accept my role as well, and to forgive myself for being so hard on him and myself all those years. We both carried the scars of dysfunction, and we handled it the best we could. We just could not manage to save our marriage before either of us could find the solution to our lack of self esteem. We just knew we could no longer expect the other to be our salvation. I now know that sometimes salvation comes through liberation.
I'm not sharing this dysfunction as a means for placing blame. I do find it necessary to show how life plays out with the lack of the information I've now discovered. I believe it's important to assign responsibility in order to discover the truth of any situation. That is my intent here.
The key word, the operative word that I lacked was value. In my dysfunctional family (and don't get me wrong...we were in many ways, very 'typical' which makes recognizing it for the problem it becomes so insidious), we did not feel a sense of value primarily for ourselves. It's difficult to share the feeling with/toward others when you don't feel is on the inside. My ex had a similar experience. Neither of us felt a strong sense of self-worth. As I stated before, we falsely believed we could find this in marriage. Ha!!! Neither of us brought enough to the table. Our plates were empty, and so was our marriage, our efforts. Sad, but true.
Today, this is what I know: in order to live your best life, you must know your value, but you must also know where to find it. When this thought was finally formulated in my mind, I felt like the character Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz! This feeling is what took me to that understanding about all of art, writing, etc. We are all looking for our way back home in everything we write, say, do, etc., only to find that 'it' was with us all along! We find it inside ourselves. I truly believe we were equipped with it from birth. Many of us may have been conditioned in a way that caused us to never utilize the 'knowing' with which we were born. We were robbed of it because our parents were robbed, and so on. Today, I can truly forgive them. My salvation is liberation from this burden!
Today I know that I am of value. I know it from the inside out. I can recognize the value in others despite their behavior. I know that a negative mindset will produce negative feelings and poor behavior will be the result. Instead of feeling defensive in the presence of people who reside in that mindset, I can utilize compassion to help me love them despite their shortcomings and defects of character. I may not want to align myself with them, but that is okay. Today I do not have to judge them or criticize them or blame them for how I feel. I just have to take care of myself.
I once read another great book, Song for Sarah, by Paula D'Arcy. It was written as a journal she began to her unborn (first) daughter, Sarah, which she continued to keep throughout Sarah's lifetime. The book grabbed my attention because I also kept journals to both my children, once I was aware I had conceived them, and I have a Sarah, too. Paula suffered the ultimate (in my mind) heart-wrenching experience in life. She was pregnant with her second daughter when a drunk driver hit the car she was traveling in with her family. Her husband and young daughter, Sarah, were killed. Paula's journal became a means for seeking the answers to why this would happen and to determine how she would find the ability to overcome this tragedy so that she could be present in the life of her next unborn child.
In the book was a line that I will never forget and it echoes what I took away from Tolle's book. Paula had been clinging to memories as a way to keep her family close in heart and mind, but she realized it was a futile effort overall. She stated (and I paraphrase) that one day those memories hung like the empty clothes in their closets. They held no real meaning, no memory of great value except for what they represented and that was the love. She said something like 'all that is left of all that we were is the love'. She then determined not to 'look for love' but to wake up every day looking for ways she could show love. This became my challenge after reading Tolle.
Tolle helped me create a new mindset. One that was based on becoming aware of my thought processes which fueled my feelings which led me to certain behaviors. He taught me that I could control these and instead of thinking so negatively, I could choose not to dwell in my past nor to worry about my future. I could come up with 'creative solutions' over reactions and poor behavior. Just like Paula D'Arcy, I could choose each day whom I would love and how I would show it.
That is when I knew I must begin by letting go, just as she had to let go of painful memories...I saw the need to do the same. I began by accepting the failure of my marriage. I let go of the need to dwell in the past by acknowleging my anniversary in a negative way for whatever reason. I determined to move on. Ha!! I joined eHarmony, haha, mostly as a statement to myself that it was time to let go!! I can't say I'm looking for love there, but I do know today that we all deserve to love and to be loved. I know my value. I even value my ex's need for the same, and forgive him (not in an arrogant, condescending way) for the fact that we did not discover this together.
So there it is. What I know today is that the way to live your best life is to know your value and to know where to find it. We can find it inside ourselves not on the outside. We can love who we are. We can love others, even those who seem unlovable, by using compassion as the vehicle to get us there.
I am often reminded of the plight of Princess Diana. I found myself dwelling on her story for years. It was one of many that I related to in terms of an unhappy childhood (though mine was also filled with happiness) and marriage. I am warmed by the image of her moving beyond her pain to reach out to others who suffered. I believe she understood real compassion and love for those less fortunate. She knew that they could be reminded of their value just by a touch of the hand. She chose to make that effort, not only for others, but for herself, I believe. I like to think she finally found her sense of value, too, outside the realm of 'royality'. Many thought she was spoiled, that she was ungrateful because she had a life of privilege -- but I feel that just gave her even more to overcome. She had to do so publicly, her failures were chronicled daily whether she liked it or not. In the end, she found some level of contentment by reaching out with love to others and by embracing it for herself. You may not agree with her way of doing so, but who among us could have done any better with it all?! Who knows how it would have played out had she lived longer? I'm just glad that among those memories of her are the photos of her holding the hand of a patient with aids. I can see her embracing a child on her lap who lost legs to bombs in minefields. She recognized the value in each life and the struggle to get to that place of knowing. If each of us could accomplish this, I believe the world would begin to change.
I hope to do my part!! Instead of simply reacting to my thoughts and feelings, I hope to reign them in and come up with creative solutions that move me to action. I hope to spread love wherever I go. I wish this for everyone! It begins with finding your sense of value...we all have it inside!! Let's bring it out!! :))
After reading his book, I know why people write books and songs and why they create art. While those things may still be categorized as material things, they generally come from the heart and the minds of seekers who hope to leave something of themselves behind, perhaps something they've learned that will inspire or guide others or just make a statement of who they are. When delivered from a loving place inside, this is the ultimate gift one can share, in my opinion. Suddenly it all made sense to me, why sensitive people are so touched by such material, and why the artist must write, or perform, or draw (something I also learned from the poet, Rilke). This unites us, brings us all together, makes a statement sometimes for those of us who are not so blessed with such talent. It gives us voice. We feel heard, valued, loved.
But before I share my nutshell version of what Tolle gave me, I want to touch on the reason I became a 'seeker'. While reading his book I could clearly place people who grew up with dysfunction, who felt wounded and misguided, in two distinct categories, perhaps people who are much the same but manifest themselves in different ways. I'm not sure why one chooses the path they do over the other, I suppose it has something to do with whatever feels safest to them. Anyway, I believe such people become 'seekers' of the 'truth', or they become very superficial people who live in denial of the truth. Go figure, two such people oftentimes become a 'pair' in life. Such is the case with my partner in marriage. I would say that I was the seeker and he the opposite.
I've always looked for answers in books, support groups, therapy/counseling, in songs, in art, in others (to a fault, I was very codependent), etc. I learned a lot this way, but I didn't really find myself. I realized along the way that a good sense of self was what I was missing, but I still didn't know exactly where I was going to find that, if ever. I believe my spouse thought he could give it to me -- RED FLAG!!! Too bad I didn't see it as one back then, I suppose I thought he could too.
We became very codependent in this way, and eventually grew to despise one another because neither delivered what the other felt they should. We were even disappointed in ourselves for this failure, only because neither of us had found our 'self' yet. I believe he is still looking for it in others, since he immediately attached himself to another and her kids. But that's another story and a common one. I've finally forgiven him (not that he needs my forgiveness...I needed to feel it) for this after coming to my newfound conclusions.
November 18 would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. A couple of years ago, he sent me a series of e-mails on that date for some reason, and at one point in our exchanges I noted the date. He severely chastized me, stating that it meant nothing on that day especially, nor quite possibly did it ever mean much before. OUCH!!! As you can imagine, now the date carries the sting of that memory.
So this year, after reading Tolle, I 'got it'! My ex and I used to have conversations over that topic: which of us 'got it' and who didn't. He felt I 'got' something that he didn't, and he informed me he probably never would, so I could forget doing what I'm doing this very minute -- dialoguing my feelings to him endlessly in an effort to 'make him understand what I thought I got and he didn't'. After reading Tolle, it became crystal clear to me. He really did NOT get it!! He didn't want to get it, he would probably (by choice) NEVER get it, and it was futile for me to continue to try to force 'it' upon him.
Today, I understand this. I was the seeker, he wanted to live in denial. I know also, that he has that right, and it has nothing to do with me. With my 30th anniversary approaching and that painful memory, I determined to use the knowledge I found in Tolle's book to help me forgive him for his part in our failed marriage and to accept my role as well, and to forgive myself for being so hard on him and myself all those years. We both carried the scars of dysfunction, and we handled it the best we could. We just could not manage to save our marriage before either of us could find the solution to our lack of self esteem. We just knew we could no longer expect the other to be our salvation. I now know that sometimes salvation comes through liberation.
I'm not sharing this dysfunction as a means for placing blame. I do find it necessary to show how life plays out with the lack of the information I've now discovered. I believe it's important to assign responsibility in order to discover the truth of any situation. That is my intent here.
The key word, the operative word that I lacked was value. In my dysfunctional family (and don't get me wrong...we were in many ways, very 'typical' which makes recognizing it for the problem it becomes so insidious), we did not feel a sense of value primarily for ourselves. It's difficult to share the feeling with/toward others when you don't feel is on the inside. My ex had a similar experience. Neither of us felt a strong sense of self-worth. As I stated before, we falsely believed we could find this in marriage. Ha!!! Neither of us brought enough to the table. Our plates were empty, and so was our marriage, our efforts. Sad, but true.
Today, this is what I know: in order to live your best life, you must know your value, but you must also know where to find it. When this thought was finally formulated in my mind, I felt like the character Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz! This feeling is what took me to that understanding about all of art, writing, etc. We are all looking for our way back home in everything we write, say, do, etc., only to find that 'it' was with us all along! We find it inside ourselves. I truly believe we were equipped with it from birth. Many of us may have been conditioned in a way that caused us to never utilize the 'knowing' with which we were born. We were robbed of it because our parents were robbed, and so on. Today, I can truly forgive them. My salvation is liberation from this burden!
Today I know that I am of value. I know it from the inside out. I can recognize the value in others despite their behavior. I know that a negative mindset will produce negative feelings and poor behavior will be the result. Instead of feeling defensive in the presence of people who reside in that mindset, I can utilize compassion to help me love them despite their shortcomings and defects of character. I may not want to align myself with them, but that is okay. Today I do not have to judge them or criticize them or blame them for how I feel. I just have to take care of myself.
I once read another great book, Song for Sarah, by Paula D'Arcy. It was written as a journal she began to her unborn (first) daughter, Sarah, which she continued to keep throughout Sarah's lifetime. The book grabbed my attention because I also kept journals to both my children, once I was aware I had conceived them, and I have a Sarah, too. Paula suffered the ultimate (in my mind) heart-wrenching experience in life. She was pregnant with her second daughter when a drunk driver hit the car she was traveling in with her family. Her husband and young daughter, Sarah, were killed. Paula's journal became a means for seeking the answers to why this would happen and to determine how she would find the ability to overcome this tragedy so that she could be present in the life of her next unborn child.
In the book was a line that I will never forget and it echoes what I took away from Tolle's book. Paula had been clinging to memories as a way to keep her family close in heart and mind, but she realized it was a futile effort overall. She stated (and I paraphrase) that one day those memories hung like the empty clothes in their closets. They held no real meaning, no memory of great value except for what they represented and that was the love. She said something like 'all that is left of all that we were is the love'. She then determined not to 'look for love' but to wake up every day looking for ways she could show love. This became my challenge after reading Tolle.
Tolle helped me create a new mindset. One that was based on becoming aware of my thought processes which fueled my feelings which led me to certain behaviors. He taught me that I could control these and instead of thinking so negatively, I could choose not to dwell in my past nor to worry about my future. I could come up with 'creative solutions' over reactions and poor behavior. Just like Paula D'Arcy, I could choose each day whom I would love and how I would show it.
That is when I knew I must begin by letting go, just as she had to let go of painful memories...I saw the need to do the same. I began by accepting the failure of my marriage. I let go of the need to dwell in the past by acknowleging my anniversary in a negative way for whatever reason. I determined to move on. Ha!! I joined eHarmony, haha, mostly as a statement to myself that it was time to let go!! I can't say I'm looking for love there, but I do know today that we all deserve to love and to be loved. I know my value. I even value my ex's need for the same, and forgive him (not in an arrogant, condescending way) for the fact that we did not discover this together.
So there it is. What I know today is that the way to live your best life is to know your value and to know where to find it. We can find it inside ourselves not on the outside. We can love who we are. We can love others, even those who seem unlovable, by using compassion as the vehicle to get us there.
I am often reminded of the plight of Princess Diana. I found myself dwelling on her story for years. It was one of many that I related to in terms of an unhappy childhood (though mine was also filled with happiness) and marriage. I am warmed by the image of her moving beyond her pain to reach out to others who suffered. I believe she understood real compassion and love for those less fortunate. She knew that they could be reminded of their value just by a touch of the hand. She chose to make that effort, not only for others, but for herself, I believe. I like to think she finally found her sense of value, too, outside the realm of 'royality'. Many thought she was spoiled, that she was ungrateful because she had a life of privilege -- but I feel that just gave her even more to overcome. She had to do so publicly, her failures were chronicled daily whether she liked it or not. In the end, she found some level of contentment by reaching out with love to others and by embracing it for herself. You may not agree with her way of doing so, but who among us could have done any better with it all?! Who knows how it would have played out had she lived longer? I'm just glad that among those memories of her are the photos of her holding the hand of a patient with aids. I can see her embracing a child on her lap who lost legs to bombs in minefields. She recognized the value in each life and the struggle to get to that place of knowing. If each of us could accomplish this, I believe the world would begin to change.
I hope to do my part!! Instead of simply reacting to my thoughts and feelings, I hope to reign them in and come up with creative solutions that move me to action. I hope to spread love wherever I go. I wish this for everyone! It begins with finding your sense of value...we all have it inside!! Let's bring it out!! :))
posted by Di at 8:18 AM
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