A Meeting of the Minds!!!
I was fascinated to find this post in another blog. It provided evidence for me that I am not alone in my feelings and experiences. Others ponder the same things that I do sometimes. Finding evidence of this provided both a relief and a slight chuckle (not in a disrespectful way--more of an understanding). I feel this was the object of my blog all along--a means to 'dialogue' with others--to toss around ideas--those that may seem commonplace, yet significant in our lives. No pretense of perfectionism here. No attitude of 'why can't I get this simple thing right'. Just truthful open dialogue about those everyday, mundane issues that plague us so.
Again...what a relief to find others expressing similar feelings. We all have our unique, individual stories to tell, but at the heart of it all, many times the issues are all the same. We are dealing with people we care about on some level. We are disillusioned by where these relationships carry us. We are embarrassed to find ourselves sharing such experiences. These things only happen to others, not us. If we find ourselves involved/relating, we feel like failures. I think this is significant.
My marriage failed, for example. I may have 'failed' to communicate well with my ex--even to this day, but I am not a failure. I am only half of the equation. Perhaps it was just wrong to continue to stay involved (literally, in my case, but sometimes to know this figuratively is key also) where there was no resolution, no meeting of the minds. If the experience offered some knowledge and understanding, hopefully leaving me the wiser, then this is not failure. I appreciate having this feeling confirmed through the shared words and experiences of others. There ARE minds out there who understand.
What I took away from the other blogger is part of the old saying that I did not include in MY former post.....something about 'mending fences' as opposed to just 'burning bridges'. Obviously, I'm still working on that part.
But I think we've got ourselves a Ping Pong match going on here. With each contact, the game just improves.
Below was my comment to the blogger's post which instigated this post:
This is what I've had to say about 'burning bridges':
http://grneyedgrl.blogspot.com/2007/09/burning-bridges-i-always-thought-you.html
It has been my experience that once you've reached that point with another, in all honestly, you've probably figured out they are never going to acknowledge--even if they DO understand--your position. This is likely the reason you've decided to write them off to begin with.
My problem with letting go is lack of trust in myself..in my own instinct...in my ability to fairly assess the situation and thus feel justified in removing myself. By the time I accept that I 'should' have--that I MUST let it go--I've beaten myself up considerably. Then I lose sight of who is to blame?!
I can't blame the other for what they've done to me if I internalize it in an unhealthy way and destroy myself over an issue. But if I have the courage to address a situation/person and realize the other just refuses to accept any responsibility, or in your case even acknowledge that it happened (which is often the case with an 'abuser'--there, I've said the word for THAT type of individual--I've met plenty of them and researched the subject too--that IS what they are many times), then I am not only healthier for burning that bridge, I'm the wiser for doing it too.
It's exhausting hanging on to past history especially when you're fairly clear about the person you're dealing with. It's difficult when the other is someone you'd prefer to get along with, but I'm finally realizing, it's NOT a requirement.
Move on--there are healthier people out there to fill the space being taken in your life by such losers. Don't feel badly for leaving them where they belong--behind!!! That's where they will likely spend most of their lives. Sometimes rejection is the only way for them to begin to realize the error of THEIR ways!!
We can learn from these people, also, how to avoid setting ourselves up. Sounds like you accomplished that early on, and giving him a chance to redeem himself just provided you the proof you needed to confirm your earlier decisions. Though not always the desired outcome, we can only take responsibility for ourselves. Others are entitled to choose their own paths, even when they are not aware of where it's taking them. Someday he may wake up alone and 'get it', or maybe he'll spend his lifetime making mistakes. Sounds as if that is where HE is headed now! I suppose it's considered 'reaping what you sow'. Consequences. In your heart, wish him well, but yep, let it go, it's no longer your problem if you burn that bridge.
(SORRY....I'll step OFF the soapbox now...boy, have I ever learned this lesson the hard way?!?! Uh huh!!!)
Again...what a relief to find others expressing similar feelings. We all have our unique, individual stories to tell, but at the heart of it all, many times the issues are all the same. We are dealing with people we care about on some level. We are disillusioned by where these relationships carry us. We are embarrassed to find ourselves sharing such experiences. These things only happen to others, not us. If we find ourselves involved/relating, we feel like failures. I think this is significant.
My marriage failed, for example. I may have 'failed' to communicate well with my ex--even to this day, but I am not a failure. I am only half of the equation. Perhaps it was just wrong to continue to stay involved (literally, in my case, but sometimes to know this figuratively is key also) where there was no resolution, no meeting of the minds. If the experience offered some knowledge and understanding, hopefully leaving me the wiser, then this is not failure. I appreciate having this feeling confirmed through the shared words and experiences of others. There ARE minds out there who understand.
What I took away from the other blogger is part of the old saying that I did not include in MY former post.....something about 'mending fences' as opposed to just 'burning bridges'. Obviously, I'm still working on that part.
But I think we've got ourselves a Ping Pong match going on here. With each contact, the game just improves.
Below was my comment to the blogger's post which instigated this post:
This is what I've had to say about 'burning bridges':
http://grneyedgrl.blogspot.com/2007/09/burning-bridges-i-always-thought-you.html
It has been my experience that once you've reached that point with another, in all honestly, you've probably figured out they are never going to acknowledge--even if they DO understand--your position. This is likely the reason you've decided to write them off to begin with.
My problem with letting go is lack of trust in myself..in my own instinct...in my ability to fairly assess the situation and thus feel justified in removing myself. By the time I accept that I 'should' have--that I MUST let it go--I've beaten myself up considerably. Then I lose sight of who is to blame?!
I can't blame the other for what they've done to me if I internalize it in an unhealthy way and destroy myself over an issue. But if I have the courage to address a situation/person and realize the other just refuses to accept any responsibility, or in your case even acknowledge that it happened (which is often the case with an 'abuser'--there, I've said the word for THAT type of individual--I've met plenty of them and researched the subject too--that IS what they are many times), then I am not only healthier for burning that bridge, I'm the wiser for doing it too.
It's exhausting hanging on to past history especially when you're fairly clear about the person you're dealing with. It's difficult when the other is someone you'd prefer to get along with, but I'm finally realizing, it's NOT a requirement.
Move on--there are healthier people out there to fill the space being taken in your life by such losers. Don't feel badly for leaving them where they belong--behind!!! That's where they will likely spend most of their lives. Sometimes rejection is the only way for them to begin to realize the error of THEIR ways!!
We can learn from these people, also, how to avoid setting ourselves up. Sounds like you accomplished that early on, and giving him a chance to redeem himself just provided you the proof you needed to confirm your earlier decisions. Though not always the desired outcome, we can only take responsibility for ourselves. Others are entitled to choose their own paths, even when they are not aware of where it's taking them. Someday he may wake up alone and 'get it', or maybe he'll spend his lifetime making mistakes. Sounds as if that is where HE is headed now! I suppose it's considered 'reaping what you sow'. Consequences. In your heart, wish him well, but yep, let it go, it's no longer your problem if you burn that bridge.
(SORRY....I'll step OFF the soapbox now...boy, have I ever learned this lesson the hard way?!?! Uh huh!!!)
posted by Di at 9:11 AM
1 Comments:
I'm so slow in catching up! I think you took what I said and expanded on it quite well... It IS nice to know there are others "out there" who are like-minded. I'm glad to have found you!
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