di_a_logue

I'm still here...

2011-10-15T12:21:00.002-05:00

...with little to say though a lot has happened in the past few years. Perhaps checking in will provide the jumpstart I need to find my voice again. Hopefully, this time around I'll have a new approach!?!

On a sad note, though, this day began by putting down our cat, Clive. He was seventeen years old...amazing...and hung in there until we felt it was no longer humane to watch him struggle.

My daughter drove in to offer the support we all needed to make this painful decision...she's always been strong in that way, and I love and respect her dearly for this. She's the one who always delivers the caring and understanding necessary at times like this. She's the instinctual nurse/doctor...she's worked for several vets and has a natural ability to relate to those in need whether they be the two-legged variety or four...fish or fowl...she has the touch, the knack...the sensitivity and love that is so rare. I'm happy to report that she has gone back to school to obtain a degree in the medical field. The world will become a better place once she arrives on the scene armed with the education to back up her love and compassion for others in need. I look forward to following her journey in this endeavor!

I thank her for being with me today. She helped me face a painful decision and time, and I'm grateful that with her by my side, I was there for Clive through the final goodbye. He has been a faithful friend and family member...we will miss him more than words can convey! I'm glad he didn't suffer more than he could endure. May he rest in peace knowing he was loved and that he will reside in our hearts forever! When the sting of the experience has passed, perhaps I can say more about the joy he provided for so many years of our lives as a family!

His sister, Toby, is still with us, and Sarah plans to take her back to her house to lavish her with love and attention for the rest of her life. She has never been apart from Clive, and while we fear she is rather old for change...we felt the total change, which offers lots of attention, would be the best for her. She is diabetic and Sarah is so qualified and will be great in taking care of her special needs. Sarah so aptly stated today the significance of our responsibility to the pets we've domesticated. I trust my child completely with her wisdom in this realm.

I could never end this post without acknowledging our primary pet caretaker, Ken, who has spent the last several years living in my second home with our many pets. Because I've spent the last three plus years traveling, someone had to be there with the animals. That person was Ken, and he has provided them with the utmost care and love in the absence of family members who'd grown up and begun families of their own including pets of their own. Ken has provided care above and beyond what they needed...we all are most fortunate to have him care for them with such love and concern. He's not only fed and attended to their every needs...on numerous occasions he drove them to the vet, nurtured them in health and sickness, and cared for them in ways I cannot begin to describe. He was their nurse, companion, friend, and more. He sincerely loved them, and I know they loved him, too! We are blessed to have him in our lives, and so were the pets! It's a sad day, but we take pride in the fact that in our absence, Ken was there for us and for our pets...he has been a true friend in every sense of the word! Thank you, Ken...you have been a godsend!! Thank you for being there as we said goodbye to Clive today. Thank you for everything you've done for each of our pets over the years! It means more than you can imagine! We are eternally grateful!!

Hopefully, soon, we will celebrate the life of Clive and the many good times and memories we have of him. Perhaps I'll post photos in the near future!

Rest in peace, Clive...thank you for the joy of your presence in our lives! We love you today and always!! You will truly be missed! I hope you're romping peacefully with 'Puppy' and all the pets we've given up to the heavens!!!

2011-05-22T14:43:00.001-05:00

This is the gift I want to share today. Music is a wonderful thing...so are 'Words'!!! Be careful how you use them! :))

'I Got Here As Fast As I Could' continued...

2011-05-22T14:10:00.002-05:00

In relationships, especially in the one I needed to experience with myself, 'I got here as fast as I could'. How liberating to borrow that line to put in perspective why it has felt impossible to make a lasting connection with another/others. I'd built the proverbial wall around myself, like so many of us do, because my fears led me to believe I had a reason to protect myself. Perhaps that was not such a bad thing. It protected others, as well, to some degree. But it also prevented me from connecting with people in a meaningful way. The people this hurt the most were my closest family and friends. Then there were always those people in the same boat as me, who were willing to hop right in and sink with me. It happens everyday in relationships. I truly hope to avoid making that mistake again in my life. This time around though, I won't avoid entirely. I will live with my mistakes, pay the price, and try again. Hopefully, I will do so fearlessly.

'I got here as fast as I could', and I like where I am today. Though I have so much more to gain on my personal journey in life, I hope to travel alongside my friends and family instead of isolating from them. I hope to bring something worthwhile to their lives. Instead of sharing only my woes, and in that way have the world revolve solely around me in my relationships with others, I hope to be present, as an equal, in giving and receiving...a true sharing, if you will.

Yep, I'm getting there as fast as I can. I heard something recently on an Oprah episode (yes, I watch a lot of TV these days) about a mom with breast cancer who left numerous video and audio tapes for her young daughter to make herself present to her child after she died and to share whatever she could in this way that was of importance to her. It sums up what I feel is significant in this journey of life. I'll paraphrase: 'I'm thankful for the journey not purchased but experienced and lived through love.' Oh that we all live our lives with that purpose...what a wise woman!! In order to share anything worthwhile with another, it is important to know yourself and to give freely what you've learned and experienced along the way that will enhance, not only your life, but the lives of all with whom you come in contact, especially your own family.

I thank God everyday for the gift of time and discovery and for those still present in my life...we've got so much to share in this journey...I can't wait!!! :))

'I Got Here As Fast As I Could'

2011-05-06T12:23:00.008-05:00

So I borrowed this line from the TV series 'How I Met Your Mother'. I never intended this blog to center around my marriage/divorce, yet how could I avoid it? I was married a long time (26 years), and then divorced the year I began this blog -- which I cannot believe will be six years on June 30. So, like it or not, much of what I've had to say was tainted by my feelings as a divorced woman!

In the beginning, after grasping the reality that my marriage would end, I still believed I could move on and eventually find 'true love' -- something better than I'd experienced before. For about seven years, I isolated and dealt with my separation/divorce. I didn't go out much, and certainly not with men. That is how I needed to deal with the matter, and in the process, I accepted that I was not equipped to offer anything to a new relationship. It was no coincidence that none really came my way, and it was fortunate, too!

After a time, though, I had many life experiences that led me to feel I no longer needed to allow life to pass me by, so I began to travel. I met new people and reconnected with many from my past. I spent time with friends and family alike. I was ready, and I haven't stopped moving yet! I've found a few opportunities for 'love', or at least relationships, and am content to explore those. Which leads me to the aforementioned TV episode. I loved the messaged it conveyed and decided to use it to jump start my blog. Hopefully, NOW, I can move beyond seeing myself as 'once-married-now-divorced' as the sum total of 'who I am'!! :))

In the episode there was a running 'dialogue' about women who avoided receiving speeding tickets because they were pretty females confronted by male cops. The guys in the series were looking for ways to avoid paying such penalties, as well. One of the female characters admitted avoiding a ticket when the cop approached her saying he'd been 'waiting for her all day'. When she told him she was 'getting there as fast as she could', he let her go. The guy she relayed this scenario to doubted its authenticity, and she admitted it was, in fact, contrived in order to make a point with him about why they had not managed a personal 'love connection' together (aside from the fact that she loved another, in this case, her husband from whom she was separated).

To be continued....

(This was hidden in my drafts from a number of days ago...it needs to be rewritten, but my writing was interrupted by a phone call, so I didn't complete it. I would share it differently today, but what the heck...here it is...I'll work on it later! I just want to be present.)

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

2010-04-03T13:12:00.003-05:00

I'm a GRAND now thanks to this lil 'flower'!! :))

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=394885461656&ref=mf

I'm baaaaccckkk!!!!

2010-02-15T16:48:00.004-05:00

So a friend's post roused me out of hibernation, though I don't have a lot to say! I'm literally snowed in and restless, so here I am!

The word that moved me was in his post was 'creativity' -- something I daresay we all crave here in Blog World!! I want so badly to feel creative!

I dug out some scraps (literal scraps) of watercolor paper bearing attempts at expressing my own creativity...I think my instructor had more to do with the results than I did, though I have at least one work I completed which hangs in my daughter's room.

With snow surrounding me, thoughts of a sandy beach are welcome, so I think I'll try to brighten my profile with a tiny sand castle I constructed some time ago using paint and a brush! Both were for a friend I had in mind at the time who lives at the beach in California (I believe I used the dandelion for a Birthday card I made for him once years ago) -- a 'glimpse' back in time, if you will! Both warm my soul on this otherwise rather dreary day and remind me to believe in myself and my dreams!!!!

Thanks, J & B-M!!! :))

2010-02-15T16:47:00.000-05:00

2010-02-15T16:46:00.000-05:00

If not for Greybeard...

2009-12-30T11:39:00.003-05:00

...I'd be 'talking' to myself here...so, that's what I've decided to do...blog to myself...things have taken such a turn in my life, so that's probably best anyway...only I need to 'hear' myself at this point...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm fascinated...

2009-11-21T12:19:00.004-05:00

...with the Talk Show hostess, Wendy Williams...I'm not entirely sure what she's about. It's clear that she's attractive (by some standards), articulate, humorous, interesting, fun, controversial, the list goes on and on. She appears to be a woman, an Amazon woman at that, but at first glance, I was certain she was once a man, or a man in drag?! I've not done the research, so I really don't know. I guess the latter really doesn't matter...I'm just curious?!

Anyway...if you watch her program you know she has a segment called 'Ask Wendy' where members of the audience are invited to ask questions they would like for her to answer. Typically, the questions are in reference to the participant's love life or lack of. She gave an answer recently that was simply profound...my favorite kind of statement. I leave you with that answer and a question:

"The way a relationship begins is how it will end."

In her own words, "How you doin'?!"

I'm going to be a GRANDMOM!!! :))

2009-11-20T12:54:00.004-05:00

Clearly, I've not kept up with the blogsphere lately. There are a number of reasons for this. I've been traveling out in the real world and accomplishing more there than I feel I had in the past ten years. I hope this proves to be a good thing. Aside from that, I feel very inadequate as a blogger. I've kept journals for most of my adult life and silly diaries in my younger years. I have lots of thoughts bouncing around in my head, but my insecurities leave me feeling so frozen. I can't seem to put them into print the way I want to. My feelings seem to dominate my thoughts and thus the conflict. I can't always trust my feelings and that muddles my thoughts. Clear?! Ha!!

I must say that I'm proud of the journals I began to my children while I carried them in my body! I still try to update those two journals from time to time, and I especially like reading back over them.

Today I decided to browse through the blogs I've listed here that I used to frequently read. Some of them belong to my son, and I was a bit ashamed that I'd forgotten the fact that he, too, blogged. I'm happy that he is still keeping up with his blogging. I'm especially proud because when he was in ninth grade an English teacher (who was unsupportive of kids with learning disabilities) gave him a failing grade on his term paper (which, btw, was written with the supervision of a tutor, so we knew there was bias on the teacher's part...I digress...you get the point...). After doing all we could to support his education by making sure the system did not fail HIM, we discovered he, in fact, had a lot to say and that he could even state it very well. (From there he served on the high school newspaper staff. Go figure!?!)

Anyway, in January my son will become a father to a baby girl, and I will have my first grandchild to love and adore. While reading through his blog today, I found this post that made me once again so proud of him. I wanted to share it and use it as inspiration to let go of my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy and just write from my heart without worry...maybe even with total abandon!! I'm so happy that perhaps my attempts at journaling and my support of his many talents and rights as a human being have influenced and encouraged him in some small way.

I give you, Will's post:

"I'm often up too late in Austin. In Virginia, there was an acute feeling of night. It could be the lights and sounds, or maybe just the pacing of the city but it's hard for me to rest here. There's a feeling that I constantly need to be accomplishing...something. Most of the time, I'm not even sure what it is. This week it's manifested in work, creative, and leisure, taking the form of plowing through novels, working on a new video, and finishing projects well ahead of their deadline.

If I explained my current predicament to Jacob, I'm sure he'd tell me I was nesting. I'd like to think I'm honing my life; I also like having a little Jacob on my shoulder when he's not around.

My little girl is under three months away. I could feel her pushing both her feet against Solange's stomach tonight. She would spin around in the opposite direction applying her newly directed force. In doing so I could feel her tiny spin press up along Solange's skin. Everyday becomes more real. Soon the world will be hers, and she'll be my world.

I used to think parents lives' revolved around their children because they'd seen the infinite potential in their children, while coming to terms with their limited capacity. In all my half pretend / half inflated ego, I believed this was too be true for myself as well. For many adults this is the case, even if it isn't as exaggerated as the obese mom who forces her daughter into beauty pageants or the dad who forces his kid to play baseball, then constantly yells at the kid's coach for not playing him enough. However, I now believe it's something different. While becoming an adult has some limitations, I honestly believe it brings unknown potential in bloom. Maybe it's wanting to be a better person for your own or maybe it's just fear of the unknown, but I'm trying very hard to level up.

Since I started on sleep, this seems to be a good point to say goodnight. The words are beginning to blur and I'm as exhausted as they come."

Now I must share baby girl with you (I know...many people cringe upon seeing yet another sonogram pic...sorry!!! I must indulge myself...it is MY blog, ha! Not only that, I have one, maybe two followers tops, so big deal, huh?!):

I'm going to be a GRANDmom, and I could not be happier!!! :))

Validation!!! :))

2009-11-18T18:02:00.005-05:00

"Smile, though your heart is breaking...

...just SMILE and pass it on!! :))

EXCESS, EXCESS, EXCESS...

2009-11-18T16:51:00.005-05:00

...that is what I accumulated during an empty marriage...today would have been my thirty-first anniversary! Yes, I look around and see that I filled the void left in my marriage with stuff...admittedly, I hoarded it...ugh!! Clearing out is a pain, but rather than look back, I think I'll consider a donation to this organization as a means of moving forward. God knows my closet needs a removal of this item!! It's a beginning!

I also have another reason to celebrate! This is the first year, in the ten I've spent alone (doing my homework), that I've been seeing someone!! Not too serious, but fun! It's about time!! Life goes on and there is still plenty of love to be found out there in this big world!! :))

The Path to Serenity?

2009-11-10T16:49:00.003-05:00

I once heard that the truth is significant in all situations, but especially in three areas of our lives. I learned that it's important to tell the truth to yourself about yourself. I also learned that it's important to tell the truth to another about yourself. And last, but not least, it's important to tell the truth to yourself about the other. I often have to remind myself to practice this way of thinking.

As I become more self-aware and truthful about myself, I am open to the truth about others. Hopefully, this keeps me from being so self-righteous! I believe it is human nature to blame others when something is wrong in our own life. By finding fault with someone else, I often dwell on that aspect of a relationship and excuse my own behavior.

If I can become truthful about myself to myself, then I can perhaps become open to understanding another and their behavior. Sometimes that involves the recogntion that the other is not being honest with him/herself. When this occurs on either side we tend to manipulate and play games for the attention we feel we need or desire. Sometimes we just want to escape and remain in denial and often that involves elaborate attempts to hold another accountable or to appeal to another in inappropriate ways. The motive for this kind of behavior is generally not so clear. Instead, it is confusing and unsupported which ultimately creates frustration, defensiveness, etc., and can lead to anger, resentment, and more.

Today I'm struggling with staying focused on the things about myself that I can change rather than trying to appeal to the other so they won't shut me out. I know that when I seek to please someone else for the attention I want, I compromise and cater to bad behavior -- either mine or theirs or both. I believe this is very dysfunctional behavior on both sides. If I don't participate in the 'dance', then I may risk losing a partner. I've got to be okay with that. I'd rather dance alone than to pretend to be on board, when deep in my soul, I know I am not.

Examples are difficult to share because I would feel so exposed and vulnerable. Perhaps this is why we do not seek the help we need or actually change. It is too revealing to be this truthful, and as the formula states...it IS important to tell the truth to yourself about yourself first. If I can't accomplish this, how then can I tell another?! If I don't tell the truth about myself, how can I expect to discover the truth about that person? My own sense of guilt has been in the way of the latter. How can I sit in judgment (as it would feel), or just practice discretion, if I'm not being honest about myself? This has kept me involved/linked with others in undesirable ways for most of my life. Such an unhealthy relationship becomes so tangled and intertwined, it's difficult to know who is to blame for the outcome. It's time to accept being alone over being involved in such an inappropriate way.

Perhaps if I can fully grasp this, I will find there are like-minded people to take the place of those who have nothing to offer me when living in this kind of denial. It's a comforting thought -- to believe that I can practice this in my own life. I do think it would be rewarding on so many levels to live this out.

The thought helps me to better understand The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr which states:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

The prayer goes on to read:

"Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen."

God grant me the serenity...

A repost...

2009-10-21T12:47:00.003-05:00

...seems the song posted for Father's Day was removed, so I'd like to repost it. Today is a good day for doing so. My daughter and I have adopted this song as our own...it's really nice that she can actually sing it to me...anyway, she was in court today to settle a rental dispute (which was in her favor), and while leaving the courthouse, she was involved in a car accident. Fortunately, no one was hurt, only the other car, but she called in tears for having begun her day in such a frustrating way!! I'm so pleased that she is okay...if she were here (or I there), I'd do the driving for her the rest of the day!! She is in my heart and on my mind!! This one is for her!!!

Di has left the blogging...

2009-10-21T12:00:00.002-05:00

...without a doubt the person who began this blog has departed! Moved on to living life out in the 'real' world! This is a good thing! No more whining (okay, maybe now and then), no more blaming others for where I am in life, no feeling sad and lonely and depressed (and depressing), and cynical, resentful -- gosh how ugly that all sounds!! Yep, I'm leaving it all behind!

Lately, I've been known to say that I'm -- brace yourself -- happy, with my life!!! I've also informed others that the 'wallflower' has bloomed!! Boy, was I such a wallflower most of my life!! Well, no more!

Where has this taken me?! On adventures far and wide and sometimes while right here at home!! I've made connections with old friends and am no longer afraid of making new friends, of forming new relationships -- which sometimes involves leaving old ones behind!! I'm not sitting around waiting for someone to choose for me whom I'll be with and where I'll go. I'm aware now, more than ever, that I'm in charge of my own life, even when engaged with another! I listen more carefully when someone is sharing conversation with me or calling upon me or observing me, etc. Again, in those situations, I maintain my sense of who I am, where I want to go, and whom I want to be with. It's SOO liberating and feels so much safer! I need not 'trust' myself to another when I clearly know I can trust myself!! :)) Funny thing about that -- you CAN trust yourself with another when you know you can trust yourself!!

Elementary stuff, I know, but finally, yes, it does seem doable...simple enough. I have done my homework...I've been hoping for that A!! I may just obtain it!! :))

Are you a 'designated patient'?!?!?

2009-09-12T12:45:00.002-05:00

Without a doubt, I qualify! Yep, I'm the one others can project their issues onto and so often I take them on with open arms! Ugh!! No wonder I'm so confused! Typically, I think I'm dealing with my own problems -- you'd think I'd get a clue when all I complain about is someone else or possibly someone else's problems that I've willingly taken on!! Sheesh how embarrassing to find that I belong in this category! How embarrassing to be told what a nag I am for complaining or for being so 'negative' about others and for feeling put down and devalued and for buying into that responsibility...for being the scapegoat!!! How simple would it have been all these years to just walk away from the issues that did not belong to me and continue to live my own life?!?!?! Oh that I had been so empowered!!

By becoming the 'designated patient', we then create 'designated issues' of our own to cover/hide/mask the real issues we have or acquired. I may not be entirely clear about this or in my presentation of this topic, because it sounds more confusing than it really is. When I read an article about it (the article cannot be found yet online since it is from an October issue...I'll come back to add it later), it took awhile for the idea to truly sink in. Hey! I'm so accustomed to being responsible for ALL the issues so what can I say?!

Let me try to clarify. When someone has a problem they are not willing to admit or face, in other words they choose to remain in denial, they knowingly or unknowingly look for another to make responsible. They do this with words or actions or in the name of 'love' or in whatever manipulative way they can in order to make their problems someone else's. Then they can point to the person they've made responsible as the issue...the problem. They condescend, put you down, mock you, scream and yell at you for making them so miserable with 'your' problems. Yep, you DO nag and complain a lot...you are carrying everyone's burdens and you are the one trying to fix the problems...all the while, you don't even OWN most of them!!! How stupid and confusing is that?!?! To a degree, the other has the right to complain about you -- you have become the 'designated patient' and it really does NOT make sense to anyone!!

Soo...this is how the vicious cycle begins. The designated patient creates his/her own designated issues to cover their 'real' issue. If your real issue is being a designated patient, then you may become depressed, or someone who, like moi, yells at dumb drivers when you find yourself feeling frustrated in traffic or anywhere else you happen to be while feeling put out! You may overeat or deny yourself nurishment, whichever suits you. You may do any number of unhealthy things to cover your real issue.

So I'm thinking for a person to become someone's 'designated patient', you are either too young to understand and escape the projection, or you've got issues of your own and you're too willing to 'please' others, or you just simply possess some problem of your own. The crux of the article was to make one aware of their own designated issues, to try to rid yourself of them so that you can confront the deeper issues that are being masked by such behavior. Hmmm....

What are my designated issues?! I shop and hoard, I yell at traffic, I don't maintain a healthy diet, I become the 'designated patient' for others. I sometimes fall into depression. I procrastinate. I feel insecure and unworthy and devalued. Surface stuff that covers deeper issues. I could go on and on, but I'm not here to be self deprecating. I hope to use this information to remind me that when I have the tendency to do any of these things and more, perhaps I should stop and set those actions aside. Then I can get to the business of looking at what's really wrong. This is how I begin to tackle the real problem. There is no need to carry around the issues I was given, or those I created, for the rest of my life. It's time to let them go, and with this understanding, perhaps I see more clearly the way that I can and the need to do so!

Simply complex -- as are so many things in life. But once I got my head around this one, I see that it really is doable to change. I'd like to think I've already taken steps in this direction even before I found the article which spelled it out for me. We'll see the next time I'm in traffic! Now, back to decluttering my environment!!

A new video cover by my daughter...

2009-09-10T12:19:00.002-05:00

...love it...I hope you'll enjoy, too!! :))

Another Taylor song...

2009-09-10T12:14:00.002-05:00

...that I happen to appreciate...(no embedding, so you'll have to click onto YouTube to see it!) :))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFOAHZ9U6c0

Father's Day

2009-06-22T13:03:00.004-05:00

I've just returned from a visit with my daughter in Nashville where great music abounds! One of the perks of her job provided tickets to a CMA concert featuring Miranda Lambert, Taylor Swift, John Rich, Cowboy Troy, Two Foot Fred, Sugarland, and Kenny Chesney. What a line-up, huh?!

I was most impressed with Taylor Swift, moreso than I expected to be. Her demeanor represented everything most parents would hope for in their children. She is beautiful, aware yet not conceited, talented, grateful, and doing what she seems to love most. She writes and sings about the kinds of things 'kids' should be concerned with...age-appropriate situations. Not that musicians 'should be' role models, but often they are, so I would say that she is exceptional in that respect. I found her to be refreshing in this age of 'moving too fast and going nowhere'.

My daughter placed some of Taylor's songs on my iPod and having seen Miss Taylor in concert made me appreciate her more. As I listened to the music on my drive back home, I felt this song was a great one for 'Father's Day'. When looking for it on YouTube, I found there was some controversy over for whom she'd written the song--her father or her mother?! I guess in the end it really doesn't matter...I think we can all relate. I am pleased that MY daughter left this particular song on MY iPod for ME!! :)) I offer it as a tribute to every dad on Father's Day but also to everyone who is a parent. May we all have children who are proud of us and grateful to have us as parents!

I hope everyone had a great Father's Day!!

'He's Just Not That Into You'....

2009-05-04T14:16:00.007-05:00

...or maybe he IS!!!

I often find myself doing a lot of thinking, reflecting, processing while sitting in a very hot tub of water...or while indulging in a bubble bath o o O O O O!!! Recently a memory, triggered by a visit from my son, which generally connects me to my ex temporarily, motivated me to begin a list of my own (based on the book by the same title) of ways you can know if 'he's just not that into you' .

The memory I recorded was this: 'He's just not that into you if while you're giving birth to his baby, he's flirting with the attending nurse.' That thought spawned an entire list of my own that is still growing.

My daughter and I discussed this later (she's cool when sharing about the difficulty I have with being forced to be in touch with her father again), so she got a kick out of this and added to the list as well....we even considered beginning a blog with this list for everyone else to add to...hmmm...just a thought. Anyway, I'm now finding myself paying closer attention to how women are being treated publicly/openly by their boyfriends, significant others, and husbands, and this has provided more fodder for the list.

I was in a donut shop last week for my occasional bear claw and cuppa joe, when this darling white-haired couple (who looked to be in their 80s) came in for coffee. When the owner/clerk presented their coffee in styrofoam cups, the man complained and asked for a 'real cup' for his coffee. The owner explained that he was struggling, as are so many others these days, due to the economical crisis and that he'd had to let his dishwasher go and found it easier to use throw away cups instead of trying to keep up with washing the dirty dishes...to which the older gentleman replied, "It's too bad you're not lucky like me. I have two dishwashers. One at home and this one (pointing to his wife)."

I just rolled my eyes, teased the husband about not doing his own dishes or seeing himself as a dishwasher, and then went immediately to my car to write that one down for the list. Yep, I think he's 'just not that into you' if he refers to you as his dishwasher. Now that I am mindful of it, it's amazing the condescension that abounds for all to hear. I'm sure such remarks have much to do with the undermining of our good sense of self.

Anyway, after days of this kind of reflection -- and a few long lists later -- I got the idea that perhaps I should take a more positive approach and begin a list of how 'you know when he IS into you'. I haven't begun the list yet, but sometimes just putting a thought out into the universe will manifest the very thing you desire.

For example, in a social setting I attended over the weekend, primarily made up of baby boomers, I met an awesome younger couple with an eight week old baby (well, she was younger...he was between her age and mine...yep, you guessed it, second marriage for him/first for her...still it gives one hope). He was delightful to speak with -- very taken with his wife and new mommy and expressive about it. He was also encouraging and supportive toward me as a single person, as well. That was refreshing and affirmed my need to compile a more positive list and to look for those qualities in a person instead of always complaining about the negative or expecting the worst.

This afternoon I found this list and literally wiped away a tear or two as I read it. While in conversation with the aforementioned guy, we concluded that everyone has at least a few personal issues and that success in a relationship comes with finding another who accepts this reality and tolerates your issues with relative ease.

I like this new list the universe provided, and I'm proud of myself for getting out into the real world again. There are tidbits of wisdom to be found in donut shops and social functions (not to mention online) alike if we just become attuned! :))

Separation

2009-05-01T16:10:00.003-05:00

My son left just a couple of days ago after a brief visit 'home'. I'm finding it difficult to put away the last remnants of our time spent together -- leftover food, a few dishes out of place, an unmade bed, towels strewn around the bathroom, and various items he moved from their original place to a different location. The latter is in line with my thought process as I reluctantly replace things. When a family moves away from home does that begin a chain reaction of sorts? Stay with me...

I was feeling rather sad that our visits are so brief. Both of my children live states apart from us and one another. My ex brought us all here when they were both babies, both still in diapers. I left behind family and life long friends. Nearly thirty years later I can tell you that had I known what I know today, I would have stayed at home.

There are natural separations and those you choose. We naturally leave our mother's womb without straying too far away in the formative years. We separate and go to school (I question how natural that is), and we make our own friends in the big world. Eventually we form a group of friends and often spend as much time with them as with our family. Perhaps we date and marry and the cycle begins again.

Many of us stay very close to our family of origin. Some of us do not. Today I wonder what the statistics are for divorce in families who decide to move away from home?! Are we trading opportunities for work, to see more of the world, to become very independent and distant for the closeness of family and friends? Have we 'really' gained anything by doing so?! Is the trade-off worth it? I'm beginning to think not.

My husband didn't seem to have a problem leaving everyone from his childhood behind, after all, his father did the same thing. His dad then traveled and was an absentee father as a result. Perhaps it seemed 'natural' for him to do this. I, on the other hand, had a father and mother who did not move far from their families. We visited with family nearly every week. Moving away was major to me, but I thought I would be establishing my own 'family' and that I would be fine.

Today as I sit here alone I wonder...was the move an indication of things to come?! My kids followed in the footsetps of their father -- as I mentioned, they've moved states away from us and one another. We don't seem close anymore. Visits are brief and often leave me wanting more...more closeness, more family time, more of what is most important in life. Today I have no husband and no kids within miles. Many of my friends have moved on, too, so I often feel literally alone. I am separated from my original family and friends in so many ways besides distance. I gave up life experience with them and that makes it difficult to go back even though I have very little to hold me here now. I don't feel I can follow my children.

Independence is not all it's cracked up to be. Separation is just that -- separation. I'd much rather have my children living nearby than to take a cruise or see Paris or London. Nothing I can see or visit in this world could ever provide a greater feeling of peace and contentment than having my family near. Who knew...

Food for Thought!!

2009-03-26T07:33:00.004-05:00

CNN ran a story about the benefits of maintaining a level of balanced spending. The anchors, two females and one male, tossed around the phrases 'buyer's remorse' and the new term 'saver's remorse'. The psychologist explained that the need to constantly save/saver's remorse was more damaging than buying too much (within reason)/buyer's remorse.

The topic of overspending was one I had often heard during my marriage, separation, and divorce. I was elated to hear the psychologist explain that an overspender is "seeking to gain some control over their life -- to take back some power". It seems ironic to say that acting out of control creates a feeling of control, actually of being 'in control'. This speaks to the heart of the problem I had with my ex. His need to have power over me and to control me with money explains why I 'acted out' in an effort to feel deserving, to feel valued and in control of my spending, and capable of managing my own life -- in other words, to feel some power over my own person. It was indeed an effort to regain control of my own life and decisions/choices when I felt that right had been robbed from me.

Equally, those who have witnessed my separation and divorce tell me he seems more in control of my life now than ever. He has taken advantage of me by withholding my fair share in the settlement. He hid his net worth (don't they all?) forcing me to settle out of court. I was already pinching pennies before the recession began. Finally, he has the control he sought now that he dictates my budget.

I explained to him many times that my behavior was NOT about the money, rather I desired independence -- to be trusted with the money and treated as an equal. He felt he could hold himself accountable with money, so I wanted to be held accountable in the same manner. He could never accept that my behavior was a knee-jerk reaction'to his need to control everything and everyone in his life based on his own insecurities and dysfunction. No, he had to play them out in MY life. This is how he has dealt with most things in life -- blaming someone else for why he feels so rotten, forcing their hand, controlling them, thus allowing himself to remain in denial.

It is amazing how liberating this brief news segment was for me! Hearing it helped me understand why it worked for him to become an adulterer. He set me up as a person to blame for his feelings/actions so he could justify being greedy and controlling in every other area of his life. Being married and miserable allowed him to keep even his mistresses under control. The fact is, he is really noncommittal, weak, and self-absorbed, and now he has ME to blame, ha! Makes perfect (illogical) sense when seen in this context.

The female anchor shared that she felt buyer's remorse mostly over shoes she'd purchased, the other female over a leopard print dress she'd never worn, while the male anchor woke up in the middle of the night sweating over a tractor/lawn mower he'd bought (funny, men always buy the 'big toys'). Their solution was telling -- the woman with the shoe issue said she'd take the other woman's dress, and the man said he'd shred it with his lawn mower. Hmmm...just another example of which gender has the most sane idea. I can remember my ex threatening to throw out all my 'stuff'. He sometimes was careless with his own things and would leave things in places where they were destroyed or rendered useless explaining that he would just buy replacements. I wonder, who was most frugal in this marriage?!

Sometimes stepping back and viewing a situation from another perspective is helpful. The implications may have been there all along, but somehow I just didn't see them as clearly before.

Now I believe I need to go out and feed my desire to spend...this time without guilt!!

Dealing with fears...

2009-03-20T07:43:00.005-05:00

I've only voted once in a major election and that was in the year I turned 21. Back then I was very naive and optimistic. I won't elaborate about this statement, though I am tempted to say more. I will share that I voted for two winners that year -- a Republican president and a Democratic governor...both failures in my mind in hindsight (I came to know the latter personally a few years after his election). I've never voted again. I've learned that a politician is a politician is a politician. Weeks into our new presidency, I'm still convinced this is true.

I suppose the decision to stop voting made me feel immune to criticism for helping to elect someone who does not fulfill their promises. I rarely talk about politics, I bury my head, and I just ignore as much as I can. This does not mean I don't pay attention, nor that I'm unconcerned with what's happening. I care deeply. I admit to a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to politics and sharing a dialogue about it. I'm embarrassed that I don't know enough to sound as intelligent as those around me who freely speak their minds on these matters. Actually, I'm envious of those people. I wish I knew enough to join in and share my thoughts without feeling so exposed.

I'm thinking about the matter now because the one candidate I would have voted for this past election is making news today -- Republican Congressman Ron Paul. When the candidates were on the campaign trail, this man appeared to have a solid constitution and displayed wisdom based on experience. He maintained a quiet demeanor while carefully choosing words of knowledge to share about what was going on in the world at large (and in the political realm). I felt that if he were elected we would have a seasoned leader on our side.

One of my primary concerns throughout the campaign was in regard to how to end the war. Ron Paul's ideas and input seemed realistic. I felt he knew what was going on overseas, as well as at home, and why, and that given the opportunity he would know how to meticulously lead us to a better place. He talked a good talk whenever he was 'allowed' enough time to do so.

As with most elections, the 'best' man (imho) didn't make it very far in the campaign...most never do. They aren't flashy enough, not sexy enough, not 'savvy' enough (or perhaps I should say shrewd/crafty/manipulative enough) to make it to the polls on election day. What a pity. I'm embarrassed that we elect (and continue to listen to) 'men' like Bill Clinton among others who become and remain high profile.

Perhaps I'm coming full circle today. I'm at least pondering what I could have done to help elect a better man, or at least to help carry someone worthwhile to the polls for consideration. I'm frightened, like so many Americans, of where this President is taking us and where it all will end.

Ron Paul posed a good question this morning when he asked why more money would be given to folks who've already proven they do not know how to handle money responsibly. He respectfully and rightly pointed to the failure of the administration to take 'time' to carefully analyze these issues before making a decision about what to do. This is where experience would benefit us as a nation. If one is not equipped to make these decisions (and yet takes the lead making them despite the protests from the Congress and others), he should at least take the appropriate time to assess the situation before responding with a knee-jerk reaction just to placate those who are sitting on the edge of their seats cheering him on with the false belief that he is somehow going to save us all. Don't get me wrong, I think our President is an intelligent/articulate man (which does not necessarily qualify him for anything), but I've always felt his lack of experience would be his/our downfall.

The time may have been right for unity on some level...of race and party...and I'm proud of us for hoping to bring this about. But I feel it could have been accomplished in other ways, so maybe this was NOT the time to be concerned about that kind of unity. I will admit to getting caught up myself in the frenzy and that line of thinking. Change -- the fulfillment of dreams in a lifetime. Perhaps it was just that...a dream that may not have found its proper time?!

No need for words...

2009-03-20T07:26:00.003-05:00

My favorite 'new' find!!!

Oscar Night!!

2009-02-22T13:38:00.007-05:00

Tonight is Oscar night, and sadly I've not been an avid moviegoer of late --which means I've not seen many of the nominated movies. Recently I saw 'The Reader', however, and remembered why some stories are best represented on the big screen and why I enjoyed going to the theatre so much in the past. After watching some of the reviews of the movies up for awards, I decided to attend another Oscar nominated film (before the presentations) with a friend. Since he'd not seen 'The Reader', I conceded and we saw it again instead of a different movie.

Prior to making our decision, as we were driving to the theatre still trying to choose between 'Slumdog' and 'The Reader', my daughter called, so we invited her input on the movie selection. Because singing is such a major part of her life, at the mention of 'Slumdog' she belted out a song from one of our favorite Bollywood musicals (it's a very long story, maybe for another post)...ha...and as she sang to us over the speaker on the phone, as is typical with her, she came up with an idea for a new video post...mind you, she sometimes has a very twisted sense of humor...which I totally appreciate. We put our creative minds together and decided that she should do a medley of movie soundtracks as a tribute to the upcoming Academy Awards and that she should include this Bollywood song she'd just shared during our drive to the theatre. By the time I was home again, the outcome was posted.

So in recognition of Oscar Night...roll out the RED CARPET...I give you Sarah Jade's tribute to Hollywood AND Bollywood!! It's kind of Bollywood meets Nashvegas!!! Ha!!! Enjoy! :))

Something old...something new...

2009-01-20T15:18:00.000-05:00

Proud to be an American on this day!!

2009-01-20T06:46:00.001-05:00

My Grey!! :))

2009-01-17T14:24:00.002-05:00

Kanoni :<>

Leave Me Some Magic...

2009-01-17T14:14:00.001-05:00

Awww...what a tear jerker!!!

2009-01-14T10:55:00.003-05:00

"A Boy and His Frog'...I love Jim Henson & Kermit!! :))

http://www.youtube.com/user/TinyDancer500

:))

2009-01-09T14:45:00.000-05:00

I've traded blogging...

2009-01-06T13:19:00.002-05:00

...temporarily, for this activity!! It's less
stressful...wanna join me?!?! I have an
African Grey, Kanoni, so this looked like
a great one to share!! Enjoy!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, ALL!! :<>

In Memory of my lifelong friend...

2008-12-09T19:56:00.002-05:00

...Andy Hutson, who perished in a house fire early Saturday morning with his beloved German Shepherd, Gretchen, lying beside him just a few feet from the door. I hope to write more of his story when I have the time to do it justice, but for now I want to post a video of one of the songs performed at his serivce today. Andy was a musician/guitarist himself and would have been pleased to have a song by one of the best guitarist of all time shared in his memory. R.I.P. my friend!

Blagojevich accused of "political corruption crime spree"

2008-12-09T12:18:00.003-05:00

I am tuned in to CNN listening to a live report from the U.S. Attorney sharing this 'breaking news' as I contemplate the things I will share in this post.

I don't know enough about this politician, Govenor Rod Blagojevich, to pass personal judgment, but I do have one question? If he was negotiating to have someone 'buy' the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama available in Illinois, were there 'takers' /'interested parties' besides the ones who were 'wire tapped' to bait him? Were others underhandedly scheming with him for that position? How do they determine who is acting in a 'criminal way' here and who is not? Which would also lead me to ask, how many people in office have been 'bought'?!?! Mind you, I have no pity for this governor (if he is guilty), but I do feel that from time-to-time, for whatever reasons -- reasons that will likely remain unknown to us -- a person in government is targeted for a 'fall'. There have been rumors throughout time/history of 'fall guys', so my question then would be 'why is that'?! Are certain people 'targeted', and if so, why?! Why not everyone who is suspect in all situations? Are the officials aware of others involved in such scheming and do they investigate ALL of them? I'm just asking...and, okay, I had more than ONE question!!

I wish I could say that I felt our government officials do not participate in these kinds of tactics, but I really do not believe that. 'Pay to Play'?! It is a coined term, sheesh, so this is nothing new (well, I'm not naive...but I'm just saying..)?! How often does it happen? How often is it swept under the rug? Who decides? The Attorney is saying that his office spoke with folks at The Tribune to withhold the story, which they did, so that an investigation could take place without interuption. A lot of power is welded to these folks!! Who 'can' we trust. Ha!!

When it comes to politics, unfortunately, I find that laughable and sad. They are holding the governor and his 'inner circle' responsible for this scheme. I still want to know, were there any prospective 'senators' showing interest and perhaps engaging in a 'dialogue', scheming, negotiating for the position?! To make the govenor the sole 'bad guy' is, at the very least, ironic. Granted, there don't have to be prospective buyers just because he is seeking to sell something.

Okay, they are using the terms conspiracy and scheming and that the investigation seeks to determine which took place and how many others were truly involved and how much of it was criminal and how many folks were just acting like 'tough guys'. I'm baffled!! Now the Attorney is talking about 'greasing the skids'? He's talking about who in the government is aware of these tactics, about those who will step up to complain. He implies that often people ARE aware and never say anything because it involves much courage. If our elected officials are not courageous, why are they leading us?! Is the message here to just mind your own business and keep your supporters in the dark?! Granted, I understand the risks, I even understand why one would stay silent. Amazing, even Obama is remaining silent. Hmmm. So today I have to ask, is there a particular reason WHY this story broke NOW? I must conclude, I trust no one, and that is the saddest part.

Ha!! The Attorney is stating that he is not going to answer the questions I've posed about who was interested in that Senate seat because it would involve 'hypotheticals' -- he could, or is that would, not address whether there were interested parties. I'm hearing terms like 'a staggering web of schemes'. This man is obviously not acting alone. How widespread is this kind of corruption?! I keep hearing it is a 'sad day'. I believe it happens ALL the time..is everyday a 'sad day'?!

I guess my last question is would this have something to do with the outgoing President or the incoming one? Is there an effort to make one look better/stronger or the other to seem unaware or the opposite -- more aware, etc.?! Who makes the decision to target a particular person and why? They are saying there have been accusations for years concerning this guy. Is timing significant here?

Yuck, the entire subject makes me sick! It's frightening the power these guys hold, the greed they possess, the egos that are involved. It makes my case for being a non-voter. Whom can we trust as a politican?!?! I'm just questioning off the top of my head here, nothing too profound, but I'm always leery of those 'throwing stones' at a single target. I've become rather cynical --I typically find myself questioning motive.

The media is calling this shocking!! Is it 'really'?!?! I think NOT!!!

Get a CLUE!!!!

2008-11-29T14:00:00.006-05:00

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers!!!! (Perhaps that should be: Attention Wal-Mart managers and employees!!) You have the murderers IN the store...secure/lock the doors and keep them there until the police arrive. Then ATTENTION Police Officers, take a look at the surveillance tapes WHILE the murderers are still in the store....get a 'clue'....you have a better chance of finding your culprits while they are dressed as they appear on the tape. Hello?!?!?!? Could it be the pregnant woman trampled over the clerk causing her own miscarriage?!?! I mean...if you are eight months pregnant and spend the night with thousands of people would you wait around to rush the doors with them?! Now she has no one for whom to buy Christmas toys. How very sad...who is to blame?!

It is not my intent to be cold and callous...I'm sympathetic to the injured and deceased...but not to the ignorance of those who felt a bargin was more important than a life. Get a clue people...they are the Wal-Mart shoppers inside the store with the shopping carts...you had the murderers in the store and let them go!!

Amazing!!!

2008-11-28T12:19:00.002-05:00

Bless her heart!! May she rest in peace!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all...wishing you all a long and prosperous lifetime!!!

Love yourself...love your children!!

2008-11-24T10:16:00.005-05:00

I want to share these music videos because I feel they portray the message I shared in my previous post. I learned about this song after my daughter posted a cover of herself singing it. I'm happy that she 'gets it', and the sharing of her video validated this for me.

The song is Top of the World by Patty Griffin. I feel it's worthy to share the artist's version of the song:

The Dixie Chicks also made a video of the song which clearly presents the meaning of the song. I'm sure many of us can relate. My husband took two things with him when he left our home -- a restored Coca Cola machine which reminded him of his childhood in a positive way, and a chair we'd reuphostered that had been his father's favorite chair from his childhood home. I believe the song tells our story quite well. (My daughter's version was not embedded, so you can click on above to hear her.) I'm sure you will appreciate its worth!

What I Know Today

2008-11-24T08:18:00.004-05:00

I recently read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The information contained in that book combined with the accumulation of all the other information I've gathered over my lifetime helped me formulate a theory for how to live my best life. Tolle's book touched on ideas we're all familiar with which have helped to shape our society and our individual lives, but he presented it in a way that makes the use of those ideas doable in everyday life.

After reading his book, I know why people write books and songs and why they create art. While those things may still be categorized as material things, they generally come from the heart and the minds of seekers who hope to leave something of themselves behind, perhaps something they've learned that will inspire or guide others or just make a statement of who they are. When delivered from a loving place inside, this is the ultimate gift one can share, in my opinion. Suddenly it all made sense to me, why sensitive people are so touched by such material, and why the artist must write, or perform, or draw (something I also learned from the poet, Rilke). This unites us, brings us all together, makes a statement sometimes for those of us who are not so blessed with such talent. It gives us voice. We feel heard, valued, loved.

But before I share my nutshell version of what Tolle gave me, I want to touch on the reason I became a 'seeker'. While reading his book I could clearly place people who grew up with dysfunction, who felt wounded and misguided, in two distinct categories, perhaps people who are much the same but manifest themselves in different ways. I'm not sure why one chooses the path they do over the other, I suppose it has something to do with whatever feels safest to them. Anyway, I believe such people become 'seekers' of the 'truth', or they become very superficial people who live in denial of the truth. Go figure, two such people oftentimes become a 'pair' in life. Such is the case with my partner in marriage. I would say that I was the seeker and he the opposite.

I've always looked for answers in books, support groups, therapy/counseling, in songs, in art, in others (to a fault, I was very codependent), etc. I learned a lot this way, but I didn't really find myself. I realized along the way that a good sense of self was what I was missing, but I still didn't know exactly where I was going to find that, if ever. I believe my spouse thought he could give it to me -- RED FLAG!!! Too bad I didn't see it as one back then, I suppose I thought he could too.

We became very codependent in this way, and eventually grew to despise one another because neither delivered what the other felt they should. We were even disappointed in ourselves for this failure, only because neither of us had found our 'self' yet. I believe he is still looking for it in others, since he immediately attached himself to another and her kids. But that's another story and a common one. I've finally forgiven him (not that he needs my forgiveness...I needed to feel it) for this after coming to my newfound conclusions.

November 18 would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. A couple of years ago, he sent me a series of e-mails on that date for some reason, and at one point in our exchanges I noted the date. He severely chastized me, stating that it meant nothing on that day especially, nor quite possibly did it ever mean much before. OUCH!!! As you can imagine, now the date carries the sting of that memory.

So this year, after reading Tolle, I 'got it'! My ex and I used to have conversations over that topic: which of us 'got it' and who didn't. He felt I 'got' something that he didn't, and he informed me he probably never would, so I could forget doing what I'm doing this very minute -- dialoguing my feelings to him endlessly in an effort to 'make him understand what I thought I got and he didn't'. After reading Tolle, it became crystal clear to me. He really did NOT get it!! He didn't want to get it, he would probably (by choice) NEVER get it, and it was futile for me to continue to try to force 'it' upon him.

Today, I understand this. I was the seeker, he wanted to live in denial. I know also, that he has that right, and it has nothing to do with me. With my 30th anniversary approaching and that painful memory, I determined to use the knowledge I found in Tolle's book to help me forgive him for his part in our failed marriage and to accept my role as well, and to forgive myself for being so hard on him and myself all those years. We both carried the scars of dysfunction, and we handled it the best we could. We just could not manage to save our marriage before either of us could find the solution to our lack of self esteem. We just knew we could no longer expect the other to be our salvation. I now know that sometimes salvation comes through liberation.

I'm not sharing this dysfunction as a means for placing blame. I do find it necessary to show how life plays out with the lack of the information I've now discovered. I believe it's important to assign responsibility in order to discover the truth of any situation. That is my intent here.

The key word, the operative word that I lacked was value. In my dysfunctional family (and don't get me wrong...we were in many ways, very 'typical' which makes recognizing it for the problem it becomes so insidious), we did not feel a sense of value primarily for ourselves. It's difficult to share the feeling with/toward others when you don't feel is on the inside. My ex had a similar experience. Neither of us felt a strong sense of self-worth. As I stated before, we falsely believed we could find this in marriage. Ha!!! Neither of us brought enough to the table. Our plates were empty, and so was our marriage, our efforts. Sad, but true.

Today, this is what I know: in order to live your best life, you must know your value, but you must also know where to find it. When this thought was finally formulated in my mind, I felt like the character Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz! This feeling is what took me to that understanding about all of art, writing, etc. We are all looking for our way back home in everything we write, say, do, etc., only to find that 'it' was with us all along! We find it inside ourselves. I truly believe we were equipped with it from birth. Many of us may have been conditioned in a way that caused us to never utilize the 'knowing' with which we were born. We were robbed of it because our parents were robbed, and so on. Today, I can truly forgive them. My salvation is liberation from this burden!

Today I know that I am of value. I know it from the inside out. I can recognize the value in others despite their behavior. I know that a negative mindset will produce negative feelings and poor behavior will be the result. Instead of feeling defensive in the presence of people who reside in that mindset, I can utilize compassion to help me love them despite their shortcomings and defects of character. I may not want to align myself with them, but that is okay. Today I do not have to judge them or criticize them or blame them for how I feel. I just have to take care of myself.

I once read another great book, Song for Sarah, by Paula D'Arcy. It was written as a journal she began to her unborn (first) daughter, Sarah, which she continued to keep throughout Sarah's lifetime. The book grabbed my attention because I also kept journals to both my children, once I was aware I had conceived them, and I have a Sarah, too. Paula suffered the ultimate (in my mind) heart-wrenching experience in life. She was pregnant with her second daughter when a drunk driver hit the car she was traveling in with her family. Her husband and young daughter, Sarah, were killed. Paula's journal became a means for seeking the answers to why this would happen and to determine how she would find the ability to overcome this tragedy so that she could be present in the life of her next unborn child.

In the book was a line that I will never forget and it echoes what I took away from Tolle's book. Paula had been clinging to memories as a way to keep her family close in heart and mind, but she realized it was a futile effort overall. She stated (and I paraphrase) that one day those memories hung like the empty clothes in their closets. They held no real meaning, no memory of great value except for what they represented and that was the love. She said something like 'all that is left of all that we were is the love'. She then determined not to 'look for love' but to wake up every day looking for ways she could show love. This became my challenge after reading Tolle.

Tolle helped me create a new mindset. One that was based on becoming aware of my thought processes which fueled my feelings which led me to certain behaviors. He taught me that I could control these and instead of thinking so negatively, I could choose not to dwell in my past nor to worry about my future. I could come up with 'creative solutions' over reactions and poor behavior. Just like Paula D'Arcy, I could choose each day whom I would love and how I would show it.

That is when I knew I must begin by letting go, just as she had to let go of painful memories...I saw the need to do the same. I began by accepting the failure of my marriage. I let go of the need to dwell in the past by acknowleging my anniversary in a negative way for whatever reason. I determined to move on. Ha!! I joined eHarmony, haha, mostly as a statement to myself that it was time to let go!! I can't say I'm looking for love there, but I do know today that we all deserve to love and to be loved. I know my value. I even value my ex's need for the same, and forgive him (not in an arrogant, condescending way) for the fact that we did not discover this together.

So there it is. What I know today is that the way to live your best life is to know your value and to know where to find it. We can find it inside ourselves not on the outside. We can love who we are. We can love others, even those who seem unlovable, by using compassion as the vehicle to get us there.

I am often reminded of the plight of Princess Diana. I found myself dwelling on her story for years. It was one of many that I related to in terms of an unhappy childhood (though mine was also filled with happiness) and marriage. I am warmed by the image of her moving beyond her pain to reach out to others who suffered. I believe she understood real compassion and love for those less fortunate. She knew that they could be reminded of their value just by a touch of the hand. She chose to make that effort, not only for others, but for herself, I believe. I like to think she finally found her sense of value, too, outside the realm of 'royality'. Many thought she was spoiled, that she was ungrateful because she had a life of privilege -- but I feel that just gave her even more to overcome. She had to do so publicly, her failures were chronicled daily whether she liked it or not. In the end, she found some level of contentment by reaching out with love to others and by embracing it for herself. You may not agree with her way of doing so, but who among us could have done any better with it all?! Who knows how it would have played out had she lived longer? I'm just glad that among those memories of her are the photos of her holding the hand of a patient with aids. I can see her embracing a child on her lap who lost legs to bombs in minefields. She recognized the value in each life and the struggle to get to that place of knowing. If each of us could accomplish this, I believe the world would begin to change.

I hope to do my part!! Instead of simply reacting to my thoughts and feelings, I hope to reign them in and come up with creative solutions that move me to action. I hope to spread love wherever I go. I wish this for everyone! It begins with finding your sense of value...we all have it inside!! Let's bring it out!! :))

Vulcan Video -- Independent rental store -- check it out!!

2008-11-21T16:36:00.005-05:00

This place reminds me of a scene from 'Clerks'!! My son is the bearded one with glasses working his day-job as a 'clerk' (he could be otherwise known as one of the many 'starving artists'). I'm very proud of him...he typically lands a job where he's surrounded by what he feels passionate about in life...always something to do with some form of art! He makes my heart happy!! (Oh, and I suppose it's evident...he's not too hungry!) :))

e=mc2: 103 years later, Einstein's proven right

2008-11-21T08:25:00.020-05:00

e=mc2: 103 years later, Einstein's proven right

Hello!?! Was there ever any doubt that Einstein was anything but right?!? Oh wait, we are dealing with scientists, everything MUST be proven!! Ha!! Well, now we have it!!

I find this even more amazing: the study of Einstein's brain (once you've opened the previous link, then from there click onto this link: Albert Einstein's brain - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. It is my understanding that the link can't be posted here in blogspot since the info is not guaranteed to be 100% accurate -- so much for a short, simple post). There is speculation that Einstein may have had Asperger's Syndrome. I've mentioned my nephew in previous posts, the one who was born a premie and is quite literally the genius himself. Go figure, he has received the same label as Einstein! I'm not surprised. Perhaps we'll be researching his theories someday?! :))

(And to my 'friend' who is convinced he has 'brain damage' and thus left with limited abilities...I say, "Get a life!! Einstein sure did despite the odds. Unconventional, you bet your ___, but what a tradeoff.")

SARAH JADE as ARTIST OF THE MONTH in the UK!!!!

2008-10-28T19:30:00.002-05:00

My daughter, SARAH JADE, has been nominated ARTIST OF THE MONTH in the UK!! What an honor! Unfortunately, she did not learn of the nomination until last week and that has placed her behind, though not last, in the number of votes received. Thanks to many of her friends and family, she is gaining votes rapidly, and if folks will continue to vote daily until Friday, she could still secure the win! I feel she deserves it! If you've not taken the time to listen to her sing, check out the videos below in previous blogs, or go to her MySpace profile to hear other songs from her DEMO.

Yes, I'm hoping that my few readers will take a moment to go to this site and cast a vote for her if you enjoy her music! She could use your support...I know she would appreciate it, and so would I!

Thanks!!!! :))

I am currently reading...

2008-10-17T09:48:00.003-05:00

...The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Often I will hear about a book, then buy it and take it home only to leave it on a shelf -- even when something I hear resonates with me enough to make the purchase, I will still let it collect dust. That's what happened with A New Earth Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, also by Eckhart Tolle.

Then one day recently while exchanging e-mails with a friend, something in our conversation prompted him to share with me some lines from a book HE was reading. The book was by, yep, Eckhart Tolle. Naturally, I shared with him that I had purchased one of his books after hearing about it on Oprah, but had yet to read it. At his persistence, I picked it up. Funny how that happens, huh?! I can say that perhaps it was MEANT TO BE that I read this book! However, I decided to go out and buy the first book in his series, The Power of Now, and after a conversation with yet another friend, who was bemoaning her situation in life at that moment, I encouraged her to go purchase the latter book and read along with me. She went out that very day, which just happened to be a day off from work for her, so it was rare that she and I even had the online conversation that led us both to read the book.

So there you have it -- the repeated nudges I received until I actually picked up the books to read them. All I can say is that it was time!!! If it's time for you, I'm sure you will be led to read them, as well. For now, I want to share some lines from the book that have particular meaning for me today. The format of the books presents questions the author is often asked regarding the insight he shares in lectures, interviews, etc., followed by his answers. I will share the material in the same manner.

Throughout my 'dialogue' here, I constantly talk about 'letting go'. I realized the significance of it, but I'm not certain I ever really understood how to actually do it. Now (your understanding of this word -- now -- will forever change how you look at it if you read the book), maybe I am going to learn how to do just that. This question addresses that desire I have had for so long.

"How can we drop negativity as you suggest?"

"By dropping it. How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it."

How simply profound!! Granted the information in the book contains more depth than this and thus takes you to a place where such simple metaphors have deeper meaning. The process is so liberating though! He teaches you how to become aware of your thoughts which you 'identify' with, how they contribute to the feelings/emotions you have and, thus, the behavior you display. That is not the same as 'taking action'. It's not the same as finding a 'creative solution' to the problems/issues in life.

Living in the 'NOW' rather than in the past or the future, is devoid of living inside your head/mind -- your thoughts. You will become more conscious of how your feelings are fueled by your thoughts, and you will check your behavior as a result. You will come to realize that once you are aware of your thoughts and feelings (as an 'outside observer/watcher' of them) and become present (in the moment), you will be in a better position to make conscious choices/decisions that will lead you to appropriate action as opposed to just 'reacting' based on thoughts and feelings.

My friend, Noa Bursie, wrote a song about 'Familiar Addiction'. We spend much of our lives returning to our 'familiar addictions' -- those thoughts and behaviors that we know best. They are indeed familiar, but not always comfortable or functional. They take the place of finding 'creative solutions'. They keep us behaving in old routine ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, but they do not represent a conscious decision to find that 'creative solution' by taking new action based on having pondered the reality of our past. It's important to learn from the past to avoid making more mistakes. It's significant to set goals for the future. "It's important to predict the future by means of patterns and laws, physical, mathmetical, and so on, learned from the past and taking appropriate action based on the basis of our predictions." But the essential factor is the (action we take in the) present, not focusing on the past or future.

I'm taking things out of context, but trying to give you the essence of the book. I suppose I should leave that discovery up to you. I'll share another excerpt from the book that actually made me laugh when I first read it. I know that I complicate issues most of the time. It IS laughable when I realize how simply profound the truth is. This is an example:

"I feel that there is still a great deal I need to learn about the workings of my mind before I can get anywhere near full consciousness or spiritual enlightenment."

"No, you don't. The problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind. Once you have understood the basic dysfunction, there isn't really much else that you need to learn or understand."

That one really hit hard! I've spent much of my life justifying why I am so analytical, why I live inside my mind...or more specifically, why I hold on to people -- relationships or objects/things that don't really have anything to do with 'who I really am'. I see now, that those things (even when used properly) do not represent 'who I am'. They never should have!

Okay, I'll step off the soapbox, and leave you to determine if this book will be one you want to read, as well. I know that my 'thinking' has changed forever. Deep breath, exhale, and be in the 'NOW'...it's all I have, really!!!! :))

YAAAYY!!!

2008-10-14T20:59:00.001-05:00

Sarah Jade's on YouTube, too!!!! :))

My child recorded a couple of videos...check them out!! :))

2008-10-11T06:06:00.003-05:00

Sarah Jade - Patty Griffin Cover - You Are Not Alone

P.S.

Happy Birthday, E!!

2008-10-10T09:01:00.005-05:00

Seven years ago on 9/11, I know exactly what I was doing. I was frantically attempting to catch a flight to Florida to be with my baby sister who had gone into premature labor (by 3 months or more) with her second child (third counting a previous miscarriage, which is why this one was even more important)! Alas, I could not understand why it was so difficult to book a flight until my then husband called to have me turn on the television for the explanation. You know the rest. Fortunately, the delivery was successfully delayed with medication and E did not arrive until September 23...still extremely early. At one point he weighed only one pound.

E and his family lived with me for a year from his first year to his second, so I developed a very close relationship to them. (He spent the month of July with me this past summer, so I have reminders of him all around the house again). He has a brother, S, who is six years older, whom I love equally. Their mom is my youngest sister and was born when I was a junior in high school. We have two sisters in between. She and I have had to develop a relationship on our own since we did not 'grow up together' in the same house. In some ways I feel this has made us closer because it feels like a more conscious choice/effort. I love her dearly, as I do all of my sisters and their children! My nieces and nephews are truly like my own kids.

So E recently celebrated his seventh birthday, and his mom posted these pics in another forum. I just had to borrow them for my blog. E is the nephew I referred to in the post below this one. To say he is genius is an understatement, and this is not just the feeling of a doting aunt. He is a miracle baby, but also an extremely gifted child. More on that later (I predict that someday the entire world will know his name). For now, I wanted to acknowledge his birthday with the photos his mom provided to remind us of how fortunate we are to have him! I love him with all my heart!!

E and his dad just a few days after his birth.

E and his dad a year later!

Now don't you just want to go give your kids a hug or place a phone call to the ones who've grown up!! :)) I know I do!!! :))

This could be my nephew in a couple of years...

2008-09-29T18:06:00.003-05:00

...he's only six and has already given himself a 'stage name', and as with this young man, he's been strumming his own air guitar since the time he could sit up! Kids these days have so much exposure at such an early age....it's amazing what they are accomplishing. I love discovering and sharing all this talent out there! Enjoy!

Greed rears it's ugly head!!!

2008-09-29T18:04:00.001-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080929/people_nm/us_ledger

Two Thumbs Up for this Family!!!

2008-09-29T12:41:00.003-05:00

In an age where greed abounds, especially in Hollywood a lot of the time, it is refreshing to see that there still exists a sense of fairness among members of a family, in this case, the Ledger family. What an inspiration that this family put themselves aside to support young Matilda, the rightful heir to her father's fortune. This was a lot of money and they could have easily justified claiming some of it for themselves -- it was even willed to them. Reading this article brought a tear to my eye and restores my faith in mankind. It is heartwarming to see a family make a decision to do the 'right' thing. Clearly they must be grieving the loss of their beloved son and brother, but in the midst of their own personal challenges, they chose to place his daughter before themselves with the greatest gift one could share -- the gift of love that provides a sense of value far beyond the almighty dollar mark!

Words of Wisdom From Mr. Newman...

2008-09-28T10:01:00.005-05:00

I caught a portion of an interview with the now late Paul Newman aired on CNN last night with Larry King. At the time of the interview he was asked to explain the longevity of his marriage to Joanne Woodward.

Being a very private and a somewhat modest man, he had little to say, but he used the following words to explain what was most important to him in the relationship: 'lust, respect, patience, and determination.'

What a very sad day....

2008-09-27T09:43:00.004-05:00

I cannot imagine our world without Paul Newman! He's a true American icon and has been with us for such a long time. My condolences to his family and especially his wife, Joanne Woodward....they were a great example of the power of love and respect for commitment in a relationship. They never seemed content to slow down and give in to the process of aging. What an inspiration!! He will be sorely missed. May he rest in peace.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/obit_newman

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25101631/displaymode/1107/s/2/

Who knew......

2008-09-20T08:23:00.005-05:00

...that The Lennon Sisters (remember them (?!?!)....if you do you are as 'mature' as I am, ha!) had talented brothers and male cousins who perform also?! More of that simple, 'feel-good' music I'm into these days... :)) Meet 'Venice':

'Britian's Got Talent'!!!!

2008-09-16T07:46:00.003-05:00

Do they ever?!?!?!

You may have seen them already, but I never tire of their performances, so I'm hoping you won't either!

I believe the panel thought this guy would not deliver:

Awesome!!! :))

I'm on a roll....I LOVE this song too!!! :))

2008-09-13T10:07:00.004-05:00

And he's STILL around:

Sharing this 'dates' me, but I love this song!!!

2008-09-13T09:32:00.007-05:00

It is such a 'feel good' song, and it was on my mind this morning for some strange reason. Oh well, I think it's nice to have this kind of feeling when waking up!!! :))

I should do some research to find when 'Sesame Street' first arrived on the scene because I really can't recall, and I forgot that it was around at the time of this recording. This version of the song is from 1969 -- the same year it was released by Oliver:

Wow!!! 'Bob'!!! Ha...just too corny, huh!?! I must admit that when my kids were very young I took them to see him perform along with members of the Muppet clan! I should drag out the pics!! We loved those Muppets!! And I adored Jim Henson and appreciated his talent so much!!! HE truly was one of my heroes!!

Seems as if lots of (corny...oops!...I mean that affectionately....uh huh) folks borrowed this song back in the day...surf around YouTube and you will see....The Osmonds and others also recorded it! Hilarious!!

Gawd, I'm sooo ooollllddd!!!!! (Back to my rockin' chair!! HA!!)

Simply Profound

2008-09-07T22:53:00.002-05:00

"Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity."

(Spoken by a psychiatrist attending the jailed women suffragists in 1917.)

"You finally chose yourself over a man...that means you are growing up."

(From an episode of 'Felicity' which I used to watch with my daughter.)

Life's Simple Pleasures

2008-09-07T12:03:00.009-05:00

There is something magical about weekends even it you are spending them alone. On sunny, cool, clear Sundays like today, I'm prone to want to hop in the car to go for a ride in the country where I can breathe in the aroma of the changes occurring as fall begins to show on the horizon.

I find myself dreaming of places like a rustic log cabin in the Adirondacks but with a dash of 'Ralph Lauren' mixed in (0kay, so I'm not 'really' a country girl). I sense a fireplace crackling and geese calling in the distance as they take flight from the lake for warmer environs. I long to take in the great outdoors as I sit in a large cozy chair with a warm cup of coffee between my hands, my body wrapped in a plaid blanket as I absorb the sprawling beauty surrounding me. I view a canoe docked by the pier and contemplate venturing out onto the water before I depart. I note the strong scent of cedar and am reminded that some things are evergreen. Ahhh...I can feel it now!!

I'm in heaven, and I've not even left my sofa!!

Have an enjoyable weekend!!!

Addictions and Enabling the Addicted Person

2008-09-05T04:08:00.004-05:00

I am clearly an enabler. I'm a very sensitive person who has been taught/trained to be a caretaker. I've learned to use my instinct and insight to help me determine the needs of others so that I may assist them in any way I can. In order to relinquish the job of 'caretaker/enabler', I need to recognize that it is not my responsiblility to care more for another than they care for themselves. Or put another way, it's not my place to care for another in a manner that prevents them from taking personal responsibility. I can help them to identify their issues, but I cannot force them to seek help, nor should I take over when they fail to take care of their own needs. Such relationships are doomed to failure for both parties.

With my background, I'm attracted to addictive personalities, which fills my training/need for caretaking. It becomes a vicious cycle. I'm trained to care for the neediest and they find someone like me to depend on which allows them to neglect taking personal responsibility. Yep, it's that simple. That is how it works.

My latest experience with caretaking has brought me to this conclusion, finally, and with more depth of understanding than I've ever had before. This is a good thing for both of us. I can let go and hopefully, they will find it necessary to seek the help they need. This experience has helped me to add perspective to my reactions to needy, dependent people. I am NOT equipped to handle their problems, and my anger and frustration related to the challenge is an indication of this inability. I can forgive myself for my reaction and take note to guard myself from overreacting in the future. I can also give myself permission to follow my instinct that warns me when a person is carrying baggage and to recognize how I become easy prey for those personalities. I can place a healthy distance from the onset instead of getting involved and frustrated in the process. I can perhaps learn to direct them toward the help they need that truly could make a difference in their life and leave both of us free to pursue relationships that do not involve dependency. If the other is not capable of dealing with this, then it is truly in both our best interests to move on.

EXHALE!!!!! What a relief to feel this on a deeper level than before -- to incorporate it into my being in a way that gives me a release from this burden. I feel myself becoming healthier. What a good thing!!!

Lesson Learned (as suggested)!!! :))

2008-08-28T19:52:00.005-05:00

Men are so *fickle, yes, they are! Not just the most recent one I've dealt with, but I'm realizing that MANY of the men I have known have proven this to be true. I would speculate that most people, both men and women, have a tendency to believe that this is an adjective which applies mostly, if not entirely, to the female gender. Ha!! I believe many women have **willingly (okay, maybe because they are conditioned to do so in general) taken on this title. During my most recent encounter with yet another fickle man, I found myself once again ***demeaning my person in repsonse to his outrageous and confusing behavior directed at me. Can you believe it.....I HAVE been taught to cater to such immaturity!!!!

I'm so proud of myself today. Initially, I went along, as is my habit, with acting as if I deserved the punitive response I received for making an inquiry to the questionable behavior I witnessed from this man and another woman. You'd think my lessons regarding 'projection' would have sunk in by now. But it was not until and upon reflection that I learned what was eating at me most in the aftermath of it all -- how voluntarily I demeaned myself, even offering up uneccessary apologies in the process. Sheesh!! Once I internalized and stomached this, I finally came to my senses, withdrew my apologies and the horrible things I stated about myself, and as he suggested I do....took what happened to 'learn from this for use in future relationships'. HA!!!!

I've learned alright....I've learned not to cater to the fickle behavior of men who would have me take responsibility for their issues. I'm done with that!! And today, rather than demean myself, I lift myself up and out of that muck and mire!! Deep breath out.....it sure feels good!!!!

~~~~~~~~~

*fickle (adjective)

Definition: changeable: likely to change, especially in affections, intentions, loyalties, or preferences

**willing (adjective) /willingly (adverb)

Definition: 1. ready to do something voluntarily: ready to do something without being forced

2. helpful: cooperative and enthusiastic

3. offered voluntarily: offered or given by somebody readily and enthusiastically

***demean (transitive verb)/demeaning (adjective)

Definition: humiliate and degrade: to reduce somebody to a much lower status in a humiliating way

I've decided this song deserves a separate blog.......

2008-07-10T09:50:00.010-05:00

Okay, so from a blog about my dream (mentioned in the post below) came the realization that an odd synchronicity is taking place....something I don't take lightly. I once read that 'prayer is our way of speaking to 'God' but that synchronicity is 'His' way of speaking to us.' As I was rereading my rambling/disjointed/perhaps meaningless post below ( I seriously intended to keep it archived in my drafts), I decided to go back and add this song. As previously mentioned, I'd forgotten that Kenny Rogers (and The First Edition) performed it years ago. I skimmed some of the comments left at the YouTube site in regards to the song and realized that Mickey Newbury actually wrote it.

I've met a number of talented musicians/singers/songwriters through my profile in MySpace (check out the numerous talented friends I have there), many of them have become real life friends. I've attended an in-house concert of one of my friends from there, and we've become 'real life' friends since that time. Jack was a friend of Mickey Newbury's (who is now deceased) and has recently recorded some of his songs as a tribute to him. It is interesting that my dream brought me to Mickey Newbury in this roundabout way. But now I'm realizing that in an 'Ally McBealish' sort of style I've always found a song to describe my feelings. Perhaps that is what I can apply to this feeling/blogging today. Life IS what you make it and today mine can be like a song!!!! I will never run out of good music and music can always make me feel good, thus life can feel good!! So what began as a jumbled maze in my mind is now a song (or two) to carry with me throughout the day. Exhale!! This feels much better!!! :))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Afterthought~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If some of you have not heard of nor listened to Mr. Newbury, perhaps the real purpose here is to continue to provide his voice to a new generation or even to some oldies (like myself) who have yet to discover him. Could the same be true for Kenny Rogers and The First Edition?!?! While at the site for Mickey, listen to more of his music. You'll be amazed at the wide range of music he wrote and performed over his lifetime! One should only be so fortunate! Enjoy the music AND your day!!! :))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gosh, now I'm clicking on song after song listening to him myself. Is THIS the message my dream has delivered? The man was performing his last concert with the use of oxygen to help him breath to do what he loved best which was to sing and share his talent with others!! What a way to live and ultimately to die -- discovering what you love most and possessing the ability to do it. What WILL I do today?!?! I'm definitely stoked and challenged!!

I'm happy to have rediscovered a man who was already listed among my friends in MySpace. What a wonderful opportunity provided by Kenny Rogers to discover the wide range to his talent!! (And here I thought he was only a folk singer.) Who knew?!?!

(Yes, I'm rambling....that IS what I do best!!) :))

Am I Only Dreaming?!?!?!!?!

2008-07-10T08:26:00.005-05:00

I feel as if I just walked through my dreams -- aware of a number of jumbled up thoughts and feelings. I wasn't certain that I was dreaming. It felt more like I was stressing over some endless 'to do' list that I could never complete. It was only after I awoke that I knew for sure that I was experiencing a dream (or was it a nightmare)?! I didn't bring the details of it with me into the light of day, only a feeling. What IS this feeling?!

It feels as if I was mentally only visiting my body, walking around inside it checking things out, trying to determine how I feel. I'm aware that I saw things, but I cannot tell you now what those things were. I feel I was only a visitor to my body, **someone who just checked in just to look around. During the dream it felt more like I'd checked out but had not vacated the premises. Almost as if I should not be there at all.

Was it a lucid dream -- one in which I was aware of dreaming, aware that I was sleeping, somehow observing myself in the process of sleeping/dreaming? I don't really know, but it seems slightly profound, as if I should figure out the meaning of it, of this feeling.

Okay, so perhaps I should just dig in, let myself go and not think or analyze so much now and just write about what my thoughts and feelings are in the aftermath. Here goes!!

I don't exactly feel rested, in fact, I feel kind of tired since opening my eyes for the day. I feel as if I don't want to occupy my body anymore. I feel this because I immediately thought of a time (in the recent past) when I did feel good in my body, when I did want to be in it. I don't feel that way today. Then my thoughts went to another 'truth'. I've not felt good in my body for most of my adult life -- pity because it was sometimes a good body to be in (I just did not acknowledge this most of the time).

What is this dream I've just experienced showing me?! To stop living outside of myself like some stranger in a barren foreign land? Is the message suggesting for me to incorporate myself -- to bring my mind and my body together as a team?! Possibly, because as it is, I feel I am working against myself. I feel weary, tired of this resistence. What IS going on?!?! I really don't know.

That's the weird thing about dreams. You awake with the feeling you've stumbled upon something profound. I believe you typically awake with the reason for the dream intact only to sense the information fading the moment you realize that all was just a dream. You are left with the feeling that you possessed some knowledge that you can no longer tap into. So then, what's it worth? Will your dream effect you even without meaning/clarity of the content? Maybe, or maybe not?!

I feel confused, conflicted. I want to understand what I'm feeling and why. But how can I accomplish this? The dream is gone, over, as if it never happened except that I know it did, because I have this nagging feeling that survived. If I dwell on the feeling, I know I will become frustrated. I believe the thing to do is just let it go. There's that same old theme again! Letting go....letting go.....letting go!!!!!

What if I decide I do not want to let go? What if I give myself permission to hold on?! Could I relax by accepting that I don't have to let go? Something so simple can become so complicated when I write it out this way. That HAS to be a problem?!?! (It's here I will stop worrying about my grammar and punctuation....it's so confining and self-defeating for me.)

I think the message is to just stop being a visitor to my body. I should 'check in' before it's time to 'check out'!! I see that I keep drawing an analogy here. I'm imagining a vacation and checking into a hotel room. I can stay inside the room and never go out. I can view myself as a visitor occupying the room but not enjoying the room. I feel disjointed. I feel as if I'm not taking care of myself, not pampering myself enough. It's as if I have the luxury, but I'm not utilizing it. Hmm...could this be about the letter I got from my accountant? In it she advised me to sell my houses in order to have income for the rest of my life. This made me feel as if her advice was the ONLY option open to me. While I know that her opinion is right to some degree, I also know there may be other options. Perhaps the others seem foolish, not the wisest choices to make, but there are still a variety of options including MY options....not the ones my ex chose for me, nor my accountant. Will I feel defeated either way? It is likely. Have I always resisted giving in to another? Or have I always just resisted giving in to HIM?!

I watched a couple of old home movies yesterday. The ex was in them, and I heard him speak and observed him moving through our lives acting as if he was not really there. I see now that he was not. It only appeared that he was with us when all the while he was with another and perhaps another and another....who knows how many there were?! Is this what I'm feeling? Was my life something I participated in at the time without seeing that it was not as it appeared to me? Reality was so invisible to me that I didn't see things truthfully at all. I didn't live in reality....not really.....so the truth is.....I didn't really live the life I thought I did.....THAT was only a dream.

So here is the Ally McBealish theme song for today (yes, someone misspelled 'Bangles'/Bangels). Wow, here she is a few years later which is kind of cool....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** (When I looked up the first song I linked to, I'd forgotten who had performed it. Sheesh, I'd forgotten all about 'Kenny Rogers and The First Edition'!! Who knew how perfect it would be for this post? I only added the song in hindsight, and just now as I viewed the props in the video, I realized how perfect it is in relation to my dream. It the synchronicity I look for in life. All is good!!!!) :))

Something Tells Me......

2008-06-10T09:40:00.006-05:00

I just read an e-mail from someone which left me with the thought that this person does not like to be alone. I used to think perhaps I was one of those people. (Heck, I'd been married so long that I never imgined I'd find myself alone again.) But today I don't think I am a person who must have another in her life. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, it just is what it is.

I moved on to the next e-mail addy to see what was there. I typically scour the news headlines on the homepage first. If I find something interesting, I skim over it and maybe even pass it along to a friend. This is what I found today, and I think it's worth going back to read in its entirety. I've also thought of myself as a 'conditioned' negative person, though I always 'hoped' I was not. Many of my friends do not see me that way, some do, others are just indifferent. I know I try NOT to be, but perhaps my efforts fall short.

I've not read the entire article, but I believe this one will be worth reading. The word that leaped out at me was 'honesty'. I used to put a lot of stock in that word. I've learned that there is a difference between someone saying they are 'honest' versus actually telling the 'truth'. Many thoughts are shared as a person's 'honest opinion', but often it's only that--an 'honest opinion', which is often NOT the same as sharing the 'truth'. They may truthfully believe that their honest opinion is valid, but the truth may be that it is just an opinion, possibly not founded in truth at all. So much in life becomes jumbled when one cannot distinguish between the two. Real deception or, at the very least, a misdirection/misunderstanding can take place when this occurs. An honest opinion can certainly be false, even far from the truth.

I have friends like the one in the article, who make a habit of giving out 'quasi-compliments' or remarks appearing to be helpful, informative, etc., when in fact, they are catty, hurtful, very critical and undermining. I feel zapped/stung by these types of exchanges as well as speechless and disabled when dealing with someone acting in this manner. While I may be 'Miss Doom and Gloom' at times, I make it a habit to avoid stinging and mean spirited remarks masked as a compliment. If I'm being mean or sarcastic in an argument, for example, there is no doubt it was my intent to take a jab, and even then I'm not pleased when I've stooped so low.

Wow...now I get an IM from a guy (I've not talked to him in ages--you'll see why) who has used what I consider to be every tactic in the book to justify his flirtatious behavior as a married man. Ha!!! Now he's telling me that he and his wife have decided to have an 'open marriage'--one where they are 'free to have sex with others' but 'with the 'consent of one another'. Sheesh!!!!! WHY be married?!?! There is NO need attempting an exchange with this person or those like him. Their only goal is to have you participate in their lewd conversation. Having you share your own TRUE thoughts and feelings it not their desire.

I find myself asking, 'Why do I come online?' Perhaps what I find here is a snippet of the real world in a nutshell--the stuff that soap operas are made of-- deception and cattiness, sexual perversion (redundant?), the chase--the list is endless. Maybe I just think my real life is boring.

Today, I've changed my mind. I'm going to go out and make of it what _I_ want it to be!! Something tells me that's going to be good!!! Oh, that gives me a theme song for the day (Allie McBeal like, remember?). I'll leave you with it because it conveys just the energy I want to carry into my day (Mary Tyler Moore comes to mind, ha!). Go out and have a good day yourself!!! :)) I'm gone--I DO have plans for today AND tomorrow. Thank 'God', I need an escape!!!!!!

Who knew?!?!

2008-06-07T11:13:00.006-05:00

For those of you who, like myself, have had difficulties with feeling resentment toward a cheating spouse, the following information might help you find new perspective and to actually breathe a sign of relief. And yes, it may even help you to let go (seems to be a running theme with me...letting go). If so many books are written about these topics, I must not be alone; and you know, this new book I've discovered makes me glad to be on THIS side of the equation.

I used to tell the ex (I need to come up with a new title for him...there's a song I heard recently that I'll have to find and add here...the title is *Note to Self*...ha...I'm digressing...anyway...) that I felt he had reduced himself to the 'lowest common denominator' of society by the way in which he chose to deal with his 'issues' (surrounding our marriage/separation/divorce). I know that in some marriages men and sometimes also women feel that they have a 'reason' to cheat. Such 'reasons' are usually based on what they feel is a major flaw in their spouse or marital relationship. This book reassurred me that I don't have to feel as if I'm the cause of my ex's pathetic choices, that in fact part of his tactic was always to make me 'feel' that I was to blame -- you know, he was basically trying to displace his own feelings of guilt by finding fault with me, yada yada. But I'm getting ahead of myself here, so let me back up....

One night (in the wee hours of the morning actually), I was yet again bitching and moaning about this long ago worn-out topic of infidelity and the aftermath. A very kind and tolerant person, a fellow blogger for that matter, lent a sympathetic ear. Obviously, it was a theme she'd heard all too often (and apparently so have many others). Wallah, she presented me with a book title, feeling I would certainly connect with the info therein, and now I present it to those of you who can relate.

I will tell you that the knowledge I gained from reading this has left me with a slightly different perspective. While the info was not new to me, it was outlined in a most helpful way -- one that could be grasped easily. It has provided me with a sigh of relief and a sense of the reality of the situation that I needed to see more clearly. It gave me a chance to sort of 'float above the room', to see myself and the situation from afar, and to see the role my ex played against the one I assumed in the process.

If you're in need of such a rescue, then this book is for you. I only want to hear back from you if you DO NOT see your cheating spouse in the manner presented. I'm amazed that this behavior is so common among men. If I were such a cheating scoundrel, recognizing myself in this book would leave me embarrassed and ashamed instead of walking about with an arrogant chip on my shoulder.

Thanks, C, for the relief this book has provided me!! Love ya, girl!! :))

I am awestruck!!

2008-06-03T04:44:00.008-05:00

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Words cannot adequately describe the concert I experienced with these two great artists last night!! Separately they are outstanding and most unique--together they are magical, dynamic, pure--nothing short of amazing! To say I was awestruck is an understatement! I've attended a lot of concerts in my lifetime, I'd even heard Alison Krauss before and had no idea what to expect from this combination, but this was seriously unlike anything I've ever witnessed musically.

In the first set, I had tears in my eyes, literally, as I took in the beauty of it all. The instrumentation, the blending of two powerful, yet smooth, voices....it was just overwhelming!! I cannot say enough good things about these phenomenally talented artists! Some people were just born to do what they do...talent seemed to ooze from their very beings! I am so pleased to have witnessed what I'm already considering the divine intervention that brought these two together....they were just astounding!

So, needless-to-say, if you have the opportunity to see them as they tour, I can assure you that you will be glad you did! Listening to the CD again just now, I find that it is impossible to capture the essence of the live performance I witnessed...it was truly like no other. I felt that Alison Krauss' voice was the female version of Robert Plant's or vice versa...both were powerful, strong, smooth....just the ultimate perfect blend...harmony that was out of this world...seriously, it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended. Their coupling was indeed fate!!! (Can you tell I LOVED this duet...actually, T Bone Burnett and the band served as the perfect vehicle for delivering this amazing show!) Kudos to them all!! The combined experience was dynamic and heartwarming all at the same time!! Catch them if you can!!! I promise you, even if you have not been a fan of either, you will experience a life-changing event! Together they are something new and different and unforgetable!

This from a friend.....

2008-05-25T19:10:00.006-05:00

....the 'so-called-friend' sometimes shows that he 'gets me'.......this was one of those offerings:

"I thought this song might resonate well with you..."

Meltdown or Breakthrough?!?!

2008-04-30T13:03:00.002-05:00

"Well my friend, there are meltdowns...and then there are m-e-l-t-d-o-w-n-s... May your meltdown be as harmless as a bar of fine Belgian chocolate... And be followed by a sweet ending.'' Noa Bursie

Noa is a relatively new friend of mine in MySpace. She is an awesome singer, songwriter, musician, and friend. When I thought about how I was feeling today, I thought of her....she's the kind of friend who will acknowledge your reality, and without minimizing it, she will leave you inspired.

Today when I felt I was having yet ANOTHER 'meltdown', I recalled the words she'd shared with me the last time she discovered I was having one. Before I came around to remembering what she'd told me though, I had begun to realize that my meltdown was actually a breakthrough....just a very painful one. When I feel more like elaborating, I'll explain, but for now it seems best to just acknowledge it and share Noa's kind and encouraging words.

I hope you all are enjoying the week!

Top April Fools' Day Hoaxes!!!

2008-04-01T12:05:00.004-05:00

For your entertainment!!!

Today, it's okay to be foolish!!!!

Have fun with it!!!

'Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends'.......

2008-03-25T05:41:00.003-05:00

I know I've borrowed that line before, and it's a good one, imo. I did a little surfing this morning. I'm glad I did. It seems my friends are also thinking about some of the same issues that I have been pondering. Maybe I'm just shocked because I'm experiencing the sting of racism directed at me for the first time in my life. I'm not unfamiliar with being treated unfairly--I AM female, and unfortunately, I've met far too many males who have shown great gender bias. In fact, I believe the 'so-called friend' has shown that as well. It is very disturbing. I'm being challenged to dig deep into my own soul and to examine my own prejudices. I want to think I would not be so insensitive, and I hope I'm not being hypocritical. I will do all that I can to be honest with myself about this. I am, afterall, the only person I can change. Maybe I just need to examine the friends I have chosen and reconsider?!

I may be one of a small number of people who found the Wayne County (Detroit) prosecutor, Kym Worthy's speech to be worthwhile. Maybe others have a better understanding of the 'civics lesson' she wove into her speech than I do without having to hear it from her. Maybe it's not that I didn't understand before, but that I appreciated hearing it stated so precisely. I lived for years with a liar, much like the 'good mayor'. I've heard the excuses and the apologies and was told repeatedly that I was the problem--the reason he cheated. Maybe hearing someone address the issue in simple terms was good for my soul. Maybe the words address, also, why I am still so enraged with my friend for his slurs. I've heard them all my life from various people in one form or another in a myriad of circumstances. I worry that we, as a nation, have not progressed--perhaps we've just found elaborate excuses for what we do, or we are generally more accepting of such misconduct. Maybe we don't value morals. Maybe we don't appreciate the meaning of respect.

One of the newscasters at CNN offered commentary as Ms. Worthy gave her live speech. He was apologizing for her 'civics lesson' and for the fact that we had to wait for her to finish it before we could just hear the allegations. I should not be surprised--typically the news is not about seeking truth and the value of the law as much as it is about exploitation--just give us the goods you have on someone--that is what they want to report--the dirt!!!

If I am the only person who found value in what she had to say, whether she was sincere or not, and regardless of how 'condescending' or unnecessary as it may have sounded, then so be it. I think these words are worth remembering:

"You know, the fundamental principles of the justice system are fairly simple. We learned them as children. They aren't hard: tell the truth, take responsibility for your actions, admit when you're wrong, play fair and be fair, don't take or use things that aren't yours, and there are consequences for bad behavior. Even children understand that lying is wrong. "

Enough said.

How do you interpret this?

2008-03-24T22:41:00.002-05:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_trash

Does the term 'white trash' qualify as a racial slur to you?!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ethnic_slurs#W

So maybe this is how I should categorize my......

2008-03-24T17:46:00.002-05:00

.....so-called friend?!?!

A bigot: intolerant person: somebody with strong opinions, especially on politics, religion, or ethnicity, who refuses to accept different views.

Well, at least now I am motivated to look into these issues for clarity on how to label them? Pity that one feels the need to understand this kind of behavior.

Racism and so-called 'friends'....

2008-03-24T13:08:00.007-05:00

.....okay, and other subjects I'm pondering.....

I'm mentally and emotionally weary lately. I have lots of thoughts occupying my mind and making my brain tired, which is exactly why I don't feel like taking the time to write them out. But they make me crazy when they just sit there.....getting in the way of living my life and feeling productive. It's a very frustrating feeling.

So rather than spell it all out and elaborate, I think I'll just make note of some of the issues that are causing this pain in my brain!! Getting it out seems carthartic?!

I'm troubled by the political debates going on.....not just the official ones aried between the candidates, but the ones between myself and others.....I'm sure they are happening between folks everywhere. This campaign is unique.

What is troubling me most are comments that surface in conversations that are clearly influenced by what we are being fed by the media. It's frustrating that people are buying into these messages and sharing/using them in conversation/arguments as if they are not aware that they've received them...as if they were given to them subliminally.

Today a 'so-called friend' of mine called me ***'white trash'! He used it in an effort, imo, to win an argument. I suppose he could be considered 'ethnic' though he IS American and that is how I see him. I am digusted that he would stoop so low in order to have the last word. I don't know if my 'friend's' comment to me was a racist one--he says it was just a derogatory remark--either way, I am offended that he used it in reference to me for the sake of winning an argument. Earlier, we had a conversation about Obama and his former minister's remarks, and we talked about racism. I was shocked to find that my friend is truly seeing this political race in terms of race. He stated that he feels McCain represents the 'rich white' population. What is Hillary Clinton if not rich and white?! What a crock!!!!!!!! There are other components to this issue that trouble me (like the references by blacks about their 'all black churches'......if we talked about our churches as 'all white' we would clearly be called racists, right?), but as I stated, my mind is weary, and I just don't feel like going into detail just now....maybe later I will?!?!

And then there is the issue of sexual misconduct by politicians and how it is perceived. I read a comment somewhere that attacked a black spokesperson as catering to a white audience because the black person was not defending a black person accused of a crime that they likely committed. Why can't the black people just be seen as people and not as a race, and if the crime was committed, seen as a crime by a citizen for which they deserve punishment?!?! I guess what I'm saying is that I feel there is definitely what I would consider reverse discrimination in both of these situations I've mentioned. In both cases if the races were reversed and the allegations made by a white person....they would be considered racist, yet I feel when an ethnic/and or black person makes the remark, they are NOT seen as racist....or we're made to feel we should not call it that?!?

My 'so-called friend' has made me feel that he is a racist by the remark he made to me today. I believe this is why I am concerned about the words we hear coming from candidates and those people speaking for or about /in reference to them. There is racism on both sides. I'm tired of hearing that whites are predominately racist. I think there are many 'minorities' who fall into this category as well. It troubles me, especially in this election. I can only hope that it opens a 'dialogue' that heals this ongoing issue rather than perpetuates it. My fear is that we are becoming even more divided.

As for the sex scandals, my only question is: 'If Kilpatrick is found guilty of a crime, then why wasn't Bill Clinton found guilty of similar charges?' I may be wrong, but I think if you read the list of allegations presented today toward Kilpatrick, many of them would apply to Bill Clinton's tryst with Monica Lewinsky. Am I wrong? (Okay, I've been told that Clinton did not lie under oath.....no, only on national television in front of all those who elected him as their president....pahlease!!!!)

Okay...I've had my say for today!!! Whew, I feel better getting this off my chest!!!!

~~~~~~~
***Note....I spoke with my 'friend' further about the derogatory remark, as he labelled it, and I want to note that I do not take the accusation personally, because I do not think I am 'white trash'; therefore, the term does not apply to me. My complaint about the term is that someone would use it as a means for dealing with a problem. It is, at the very least, a low blow, and more about the person using it than vice versa. I feel it can be used in a number of ways, and I do feel that it can be considered a very racist remark. I'm open to feedback. I just feel there are better ways to resolve issues between people.....to resort to name-calling is an immature way to 'problem-solve'. How would YOU view this remark?

Does marriage make you smarter?!

2008-03-24T13:03:00.002-05:00

If so, then does divorce (and a marriage that leads to it) make you dumber?!?! I'm just asking!?!

As predicted!!!!!

2008-02-25T16:19:00.002-05:00

Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova certainly deserved the Oscar they received!!! I love it when I'm right!!!!

I met a redheaded boy....'once'......

2008-02-21T12:28:00.008-05:00

Some memories we carry close to our hearts...this was such a memory for me.

Look at this....small wonder why this movie resonates with me?!

Updates and new stuff!!!

2008-02-19T14:31:00.006-05:00

I've not posted much lately because of several personal issues swirling around that effect my life. But a number of things came to my attention today, pulling me out of that vortex!! I wanted to share them with you (my one or two fellow bloggers/readers!), so here I am!!

The first is an update on the movie, Once. I DO know how to choose a movie/soundtrack!! I found and purchased the movie and liked it so much that I gave it as a gift to family and friends during Valentine's. I gave the soundtrack to myself and my daughter!! I LOVE IT!!! Anyway, for those rare one or two of you who didn't agree with me on its worth, I heard in the news that one of the songs has been nominated for an Oscar for best original song!! Yeaaaa!!! I DO hope it wins!!

Now I have movie fever again! In the past I LOVED to go see all kinds of movies and critique them. It became such a passion that my friends would often check in with me before selecting a movie to see when they were preparing to go to the theatre (this, of course, was before everything could be found at the video store). So now I have a literal movie library, and this one is included in the list of my top favs along with Dangerous Liasions and Unfaithful and A Knight's Tale, to name a few.

I liked the simplicity of the storyline in Once and also the decision by each of the characters to 'do the right thing'. Typically in movies nowadays, the underlying messages encourage us to be completely self-centered and to do whatever we please. Mind you, I, of all people, need to loosen up and enjoy life and go with the flow, but sometimes, making the 'correct' decision is the 'right' thing to do (though not always easy). Looking back, I think life is made up of a series of the type of experiences such as the one portrayed in this movie. We don't realize how profound the encounters are until we've lived a little and can reflect on what/who was truly important...on what/who really effected us the most! This is what Once represented to me. I wish them well at the Oscars!! I'll be there to cheer them on!!

I also received a bulletin in MySpace directing the readers to visit this site, so I encourage you to go there too!! I loved Dan Fogelberg, and would like to continue to promote his work and honor his last wishes in this way.

Last, but certainly not least, I want to share a YouTube video of the band, Canopy out of Austin, Texas, in which my son plays the bass guitar. I hope to hear them live when I visit Austin for SXSW where he will be performing. Check them out!! They are a very eclectic group--unique and different. I hope you'll like them too!!

Have a great week everyone!!!

Proud Momma!!!

2008-02-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

My son plays bass guitar in the band Canopy. Indulge me and take a look at a live performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWV-EiDL25k

You can find their profile on MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/ccanopyy

I think they are awesome!! Enjoy!!!

Burning Bridges continued.....

2008-01-18T10:07:00.001-05:00

I'd like to introduce you to a new friend of mine whom I met through MySpace. His name is John Dartnell and he's from England.

He wrote a song about Burning Bridges, so I wanted to share his link and talent with you, as well as to add his song as a background to my previous post about the topic of Burning Bridges (seems many of us have this need in common, huh?!). I hope you enjoy his work--I feel it is very impressive. He is a very unique, one-of-a-kind guy, really quite special!! If you are a MySpace member, add him to your friend's list, and if not, you may want to consider joining us there...even drop him a line if you are so inclined--I know he's appreciate it!! We're there primarily to share good music and a lot of fun!! Enjoy!!!!

Confidence

2008-01-17T10:36:00.000-05:00

To me, confidence is knowing who you are and then acting as if you do. It involves treating yourself well and feeling deserving. It provides you with the ability to make the best decisions when the need arises. It helps you relate better to others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow, so here is the dictionary definition of confidence:

Confidence

noun

Definition:

1. belief in own abilities: self assurance or a belief in your ability to succeed
.lacked the confidence needed to reach the top

2. faith in somebody to do right: belief or trust in somebody or something, or in the ability of somebody or something to act in a proper, trustworthy, or reliable manner
.I have total confidence in her judgment.

3. secret: something told to somebody that is to be kept private

4. trusting relationship: a relationship based on trust and intimacy
.She took me into her confidence.
.But I told you it in confidence!

One thing I've learned...

2008-01-17T10:20:00.000-05:00

...from marriage and divorce.

A gift is sometimes an ultimatum. It can become a way for the other to manipulate you into giving them something they need or want. Some gifts are conditional--the person is really seeking to receive rather than to give. Those types of gifts are not true gifts--this much I have learned.

My fav new movie is 'ONCE'!!!

2008-01-10T12:02:00.000-05:00

Not everyone agrees with me, but I love this foreign movie set in Ireland. Whenever I 'really' like a movie, I find that I watch it at least three times upon discovery. Some think of this one as a 'sleeper', but perhaps because it is so simply (and, imo, beautifully) made, it was easy for me to watch it over and over. If you haven't seen it, this will provide you with some insight. Open the menu and enjoy more songs from the soundtrack. I hope you like!!!

It's a great day to be alive!!!

2007-12-08T10:40:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things happen in life that seem frightening to us....other times we have reason to realize how fortunate we are to have life...

I got a call from my mom last night informing me that thanks to friends and family who took the time to stop by for a visit, she and my dad are alive today!! Upon entering the house, the two folks who visited (separately) could detect the smell of gas and advised my parents to have a repairman check the furnace. Though it is supposed to be odorless (and obviously it was to my parents), there was a very high level of carbon monoxide throughout the house. In fact, mom said the repairman's beeper went off before he was fully inside the doorway. Amazing!!!

Thank God for providing my parents with 'angels on earth' (thank you, Lorainne and Starla), caring people who take time for others!! Perhaps this can be an alert for all of us. If you don't have carbon monoxide detectors in your homes and in the homes of those you care about and love, it may be worthwhile to purchase and install them today!!! In a couple of weeks, most of my entire family would have gathered there for Christmas....just think of the possibility for very different consequences...indeed the timing of this occurrence was a miracle!!

(There is an even greater irony to this story...but not one that I can share just yet...maybe in a future post. Let's just say, I am all the more grateful when such stories have a happy ending!!!)

Words....

2007-11-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

I was reading this morning and a particular passage from the book made me think of these songs for some reason. When I have no words of my own to express, I think it worthwhile to borrow from others for these words have inspired me over the years and feel like a part of who I am today.

I had the good fortune of seeing Harry Chapin in concert prior to his untimely death. He was just as you would imagine--he sat, bigger than life, on a small stage with his guitar. He sat very near the edge--so close we could almost touch him from our front row seats. The setting, and his presence, felt very personal and intimate-- just like most of the words to his songs. I suppose we all have moments in life that are attached to such beautiful lyrics.

I remember leaving the auditorium that evening stating that I could not wait to see him again sometime--it was definitely a concert to remember. Who knew that he was so near his departure from this earth?! (I can tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the tragic news--he had become that real to me.) I am grateful for the few hours and space we shared in life and would like to use his song to remind us how fleeting life is and to encourage you to embrace every moment as if it could be your last!!

As I recall, Mr. Chapin invited the audience to sing along with him as he sang this song. I am certain he'd invite you to do the same today if he could.

Circle

All my life's a circle;
Sunrise and sundown;
Moon rolls thru the nighttime;
Till the daybreak comes around.
All my life's a circle;
But I can't tell you why;
Season's spinning round again;
The years keep rollin' by.

It seems like I've been here before;
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.

Chorus:

I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game;
As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let's go 'round one more time.

Chorus

By Harry Chapin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then there were the Bee Gees or 'The Brothers Gibb'. I never got to see them in concert, but I can tell you there were many times and places when/where they were playing in the background of my life. Like Harry Chapin, they suffered loss early in life--losing both Andy and Maurice. I watched several videos recently on 'YouTube' of the Bee Gees performing the same songs with and without Maurice. It was very poignant to listen to the words and observe the difference in their demeanors while he was with them and then after he was gone. Again, a reminder to appreciate what we have while we have it--no regrets!!!

I hope these tunes will provide meaning for you today as they have for me.

Words

Smile an everlasting smile, a smile can bring you
Near to me.
Dont ever let me find you down, cause that would
Bring a tear to me.
This world has lost its glory, lets start a brand
New story now, my love.
Right now, there'll be no other time and I can show
You how, my love.

Talk in everlasting words, and dedicate them all to
Me.
And I will give you all my life, Im here if you
Should call to me.
You think that I dont even mean a single word I
Say.
Its only words, and words are all I have, to take
Your heart away.

By the Bee Gees

I'm a 'Moon Child'!!!!

2007-11-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

It may not be the 'Mississippi Moon', but it's still the same one, right?!?! This was my view last night!! (The video I wanted to share cannot be embedded, but you can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqZ95a249p0--it's safe, I view it all the time!! Or if you prefer, check out the Doobies here: http://www.myspace.com/doobiebrothers) Enjoy!!!!

The Tree of Life

2007-11-22T09:08:00.000-05:00

Figuratively speaking, I feel as if I have been pushed from the highest cliff, and I am frozen in the first few seconds of free-falling to the earth which seems a great distance below me. I feel shocked, in disbelief, a bit panicked, and terribly saddened about what lies ahead. I do not want to go there, and I wish time could stand still forever as I feel it has in this moment.

I gazed out my kitchen window this morning at the tree I've been observing each day throughout this glorious fall season. Today it is bare of its bright colored leaves...barren...that is how I feel, as if everything colorful in my life has been stripped away from me. I still stand tall and strong, though I do not necessarily feel that way, because I know I am well-rooted......grounded in the most profound way. The knowledge of this strength is what will sustain me...forcing me to realize that not only will I survive this winter of my life, but I will make it to the other side...budding and renewed....ready to meet the warmer times that await.

"The Law of the Garbage Truck"

2007-11-12T11:41:00.000-05:00

What an irony. I just saved a post in my drafts. I was venting and too embarrassed to admit my frustrations publicly. Then I went to e-mail and found a string of forwards. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to read them, so the list had been there for a few days. I suppose today was the better day to find this one and another that preceded it. If I can find a way to post the other, I will. I'll begin with this one:

"How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day?
Unless you're the Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded and missed the other car's back end by just inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly! So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

"Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did."

So this was it: "The Law of the Garbage Truck." I started thinking, how often do I let "garbage trucks" run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets?
It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

I began to see garbage trucks. Like in the movie "The Sixth Sense," the little boy said, "I see Dead People." Well, now I see "garbage trucks." I see the load they're carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time, Walter Payton, did this every day on the football field. He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. He never dwelled on a hit. Payton was ready to make the next play his best

The bottom line is that successful people do not let "garbage trucks" take over their day. What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by? Here's my bet. You'll be happier.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so: Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, TAKE IT! If it changes your life, LET IT! Nobody said it would be easy...they just promised it would be worth it! A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour."

(Author Unknown)

A Meeting of the Minds!!!

2007-11-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

I was fascinated to find this post in another blog. It provided evidence for me that I am not alone in my feelings and experiences. Others ponder the same things that I do sometimes. Finding evidence of this provided both a relief and a slight chuckle (not in a disrespectful way--more of an understanding). I feel this was the object of my blog all along--a means to 'dialogue' with others--to toss around ideas--those that may seem commonplace, yet significant in our lives. No pretense of perfectionism here. No attitude of 'why can't I get this simple thing right'. Just truthful open dialogue about those everyday, mundane issues that plague us so.

Again...what a relief to find others expressing similar feelings. We all have our unique, individual stories to tell, but at the heart of it all, many times the issues are all the same. We are dealing with people we care about on some level. We are disillusioned by where these relationships carry us. We are embarrassed to find ourselves sharing such experiences. These things only happen to others, not us. If we find ourselves involved/relating, we feel like failures. I think this is significant.

My marriage failed, for example. I may have 'failed' to communicate well with my ex--even to this day, but I am not a failure. I am only half of the equation. Perhaps it was just wrong to continue to stay involved (literally, in my case, but sometimes to know this figuratively is key also) where there was no resolution, no meeting of the minds. If the experience offered some knowledge and understanding, hopefully leaving me the wiser, then this is not failure. I appreciate having this feeling confirmed through the shared words and experiences of others. There ARE minds out there who understand.

What I took away from the other blogger is part of the old saying that I did not include in MY former post.....something about 'mending fences' as opposed to just 'burning bridges'. Obviously, I'm still working on that part.

But I think we've got ourselves a Ping Pong match going on here. With each contact, the game just improves.

Below was my comment to the blogger's post which instigated this post:

This is what I've had to say about 'burning bridges':

http://grneyedgrl.blogspot.com/2007/09/burning-bridges-i-always-thought-you.html

It has been my experience that once you've reached that point with another, in all honestly, you've probably figured out they are never going to acknowledge--even if they DO understand--your position. This is likely the reason you've decided to write them off to begin with.

My problem with letting go is lack of trust in myself..in my own instinct...in my ability to fairly assess the situation and thus feel justified in removing myself. By the time I accept that I 'should' have--that I MUST let it go--I've beaten myself up considerably. Then I lose sight of who is to blame?!

I can't blame the other for what they've done to me if I internalize it in an unhealthy way and destroy myself over an issue. But if I have the courage to address a situation/person and realize the other just refuses to accept any responsibility, or in your case even acknowledge that it happened (which is often the case with an 'abuser'--there, I've said the word for THAT type of individual--I've met plenty of them and researched the subject too--that IS what they are many times), then I am not only healthier for burning that bridge, I'm the wiser for doing it too.

It's exhausting hanging on to past history especially when you're fairly clear about the person you're dealing with. It's difficult when the other is someone you'd prefer to get along with, but I'm finally realizing, it's NOT a requirement.

Move on--there are healthier people out there to fill the space being taken in your life by such losers. Don't feel badly for leaving them where they belong--behind!!! That's where they will likely spend most of their lives. Sometimes rejection is the only way for them to begin to realize the error of THEIR ways!!

We can learn from these people, also, how to avoid setting ourselves up. Sounds like you accomplished that early on, and giving him a chance to redeem himself just provided you the proof you needed to confirm your earlier decisions. Though not always the desired outcome, we can only take responsibility for ourselves. Others are entitled to choose their own paths, even when they are not aware of where it's taking them. Someday he may wake up alone and 'get it', or maybe he'll spend his lifetime making mistakes. Sounds as if that is where HE is headed now! I suppose it's considered 'reaping what you sow'. Consequences. In your heart, wish him well, but yep, let it go, it's no longer your problem if you burn that bridge.

(SORRY....I'll step OFF the soapbox now...boy, have I ever learned this lesson the hard way?!?! Uh huh!!!)

Reincarnation

2007-11-07T08:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel as if.....

2007-11-04T15:04:00.000-05:00

...I've been under a rock, and maybe I was....for a time. It seems this event occurred in 2001, and yes, I was in the midst of separation and divorce...so life did seem to stand still for me then. Anyway, I was surfing the profiles of my musical favorites in MySpace and discovered the story behind the words to a song--'Digest' by Ben Taylor--that I'd posted here a few posts down. The link clearly should have been attached to the song. So, now you have it!!! Enjoy!!

Talk about 'Memory Lane'.....

2007-11-04T13:34:00.001-05:00

'Memory Lane'.....

2007-10-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine is a new grandmother. Both her oldest daughter and second child, a son, have baby boys now. The mother of her son's baby sends photos and updates to family and friends regarding her son. I am happy to be included on the list and felt a touch of melancholy while composing an e-mail of gratutide to her today. I decided to create a post of our recent exchanges, because I feel they carry feelings that many can relate to. (The pics are of my own kids...I'll remove the names of my friends to protect their privacy to that degree.)

Enjoy your own 'trip'.....

"Hey-new pics-pages 1-3...he's pretty much doing the same thing! gotta run-bath time love to all-J___ T___ & S______"

Lovely pics....thanks for sharing...S___ looks like one really happy baby...he's a lucky lil guy!! And it looks like he's crawling out of that carrier...won't be long before we see pics of S___ walking!!! I can't believe it!! I appreciate being on your list--it's great watching him grow!!

I hope all is well with you three...it appears that things are great...stay happy!

'Auntie_Di'

"Hey Diane-thanks! He's so funny-he's doing this growling thing now! You would think that it would hurt his throat but he still does it all the time! He was trying to crawl out of the car seat when we were watching the football game-first time he's tried to do it that way! Hope everything is going well! We're doing great! See you at Christmas-J___"

N____ told me about the growl...she loves sharing stories about the grandkids. When my nephew, Sam, was a baby/little boy, 'The Lion King' was popular. He used to carry a rubber lion in his hand at all times. It was hollow on the inside and had it's mouth open. Sam found a way to blow air into the lion's mouth and make it sound like a growl. It's funny how universal some things are....I never wanted to put a toy gun into Will's hand when he was little, and his dad's mom thought I was being overly protective...she pointed out that he would pick up a stick in the yard and pretend it was a sword, and yes, even a gun. She was right, and it's true...lots of little boys do that.

While many things in life change, some remain the same. I appreciate that you share your pics and stories with us. It gives me not only the opportunity to keep up with you all, but also an excuse to reflect and remember the moments in the lives of my kids when they were babies/toddlers, etc. I'm happy to hear your stories relating to your time with S______ and to have a reason to revisit, through your experiences, similar times I shared with my kids.

Happy parenting!!! Thanks, again, for sharing with me!!

Diane

A Mighty Heart

2007-10-21T09:39:00.000-05:00

Last night I sleepily attempted to watch (meaning I began watching it at a late hour and, naturally, did not stay awake through the entire viewing) the movie 'A Mighty Heart'--the story of the life and death of journalist, Danny Pearl. Today I am proud of the title of my blog--it's a word used by Mariane Pearl throughout the story: dialogue--she states the word often, making it clear that she does not want to lose sight of the significance of dialogue between peoples. Even in the aftermath of the tragedy of losing her husband in a most horrific way, she remains steadfast in her belief that truthful exchanges and reporting can mend the wounds and hearts and souls of mankind and bring us all together as one human race.

That is what this story is about--truth, integrity, family, honor, respect for all people regardless of their faith, heritage, beliefs (perhaps peaceful coexistence)--at the heart of every human being is the strong belief in something that shapes who they become (whether this belief is based on religion, dysfunction, anything that influences a human). Having a certain level of 'respect' for this fact is key. To comprehend this is to begin to understand ourselves and one another on some basic, intrinsic level. The point is to find a way to truly connect with others, regardless of who they are and what has influenced them, rather than to dismiss or alienate one another.

Journalists (well, effective journalists) are 'rare animals' whose work requires them to stay mentally, emotionally, and spiritually open, not only to the discovery/finding of, but also the receiving and examining of, a myriad of information in order to provide truthful reporting. I believe a key component here is trust--one must determine whom they can trust. (This was beautifully portrayed in the movie through the bonding of characters who collectively embraced one central cause: finding and rescuing Daniel.) This often involves risk, and journalists take such risks every day. The significance of finding someone to trust, regardless of race/ethnicity, religious belief, or political bias, was an important element woven throughout the story. I feel the union/marriage of Mariane and Daniel Pearl was a perfect example of this ability to see beyond appearances and into the heart of a person, thus the title of her book: 'A Mighty Heart'. Not only did Daniel Pearl remain 'a mighty heart' in the face of his captors, he had previously embraced true love with a woman so different in every way from himself, which was in itself a mighty feat. Together they created the kind of bond/unity our world needs to witness as an example of how to lovingly and acceptingly coexist in the highest way. Truly, he carried that message with him to all people wherever he went, under all circumstances, even unto his death.

I am greatly moved by this story and find Mariane Pearl a role model for grace and dignity and strength of character. She has told a story that needs to be understood/embraced on many levels. It's a love story and a story of both tragedy and triumph of the human spirit. Such a well intended spirit of truth and justice and caring and peace cannot be killed. The real tragedy would be in allowing this spirit to die by neglecting to hear the story. I think the movie is worth watching again and again so that we may all take away from it a little of the mentality/heart of both Mariane and Daniel Pearl. Our world would become a better place if we each began to carry the message evident in this movie. Armed with this knowledge, we could begin to 'dialogue' with one another the significance of this information--in other words we could 'pass it on' (remember that song from the sixties?).

Mariane Pearl did not leave the allies who assisted in her attempts to rescue Daniel feeling as if they had failed her. She warmly and sincerely thanked them over a dinner--she raised a glass to them representing gratitude and appreciation for their support. She acknowledged the need to see Daniel's death as a personal triumph over terrorism by not feeling/accepting the terror intended by his captors. She dedicated her life to keeping that spirit alive and challenged those who were involved in his plight to continue to dialogue and spread his story and it's worth to the world. I was so inspired and I'm ready to do my part. What about you?! Go rent the movie or check out the book and begin there.

Digest by Ben Taylor

2007-10-04T09:01:00.000-05:00

Artist: The Ben Taylor Band

Song title: Digest

When it gets me depressed I find
That it's best with my chest high
As I stretch my lungs & express my love,
Hold my breath & forget my pride,
To reflect that the rest of our lives are a measure of time.
We may as well try to express some style.
I exhale my prayer.
(And) follow it with my eyes as it fills the air.
In the back of my mind I imagine that you can hear
As if you could still be near me.

But
Lately I've been breaking my mind,
Trying my best but it's taking its time.
Cause
(And) I've been forced to digest this wasteful emptiness.
And
I'm supposed to laugh as if there's nothing going on.
I know life goes on regardless,
But nothing's been the same
Since you've been gone.

Another run around the sun,
Look at the things we've seen.
(And) What have we both become?
What have we dreamed?
Who have we lost?
And what have we won?

I never could've believed that you wouldn't have finished what we'd begun.
I never dared to image you could've been taken away from us.

Just
Lately I've been breaking my mind,
Trying my best but it's taking its time.
Cause
I've been forced to digest this wasteful emptiness.
And
I'm supposed to laugh as if there's nothing going on.
I know life goes on regardless,
But nothing's been the same
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone.

(Now) times change & the game plays on,
And the truth remains but the rules have all gone wrong.
Life rises, now (and) here we are
Still looking for the place where we belong.
Stronger than habit & fantasy,
Deeper than gravity.
(Well) What will be has to be.
God damn (planned) it, I understand it.
I hadn't imagined you'd leave me stranded
On this stage in these lights where I'm standing.
No right to complain
Cause it's already more than I'd ever had asked.
But without you
(Now) The best has yet to pass & now this song is about you.

And I've been forced to digest this wasteful emptiness.
(And) I'm supposed to laugh as if there's nothing going on.
I know life goes on regardless,
But nothing's been the same
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone,
Since you've been gone.

(Lyrics from: http://www.lyrics007.com/)

(I filled in the extra (ands) and (buts), etc., that I heard in the video performance (not written into the lyrics) and edited with parentheses around each word. Live performances are great that way!!!)

**See the video--the second down below this post. I've got to say that Ben and David Saw are my favorite musical artists at this time (aside from my daughter and son's zany satirical performances).

Lovely...

2007-10-01T08:48:00.000-05:00

For Beautiful Sarah...

2007-10-01T08:44:00.000-05:00

Who am I?

2007-09-29T08:33:00.000-05:00

What happens to innocence? After life experience robs us of it, are we the better for this? I think not. Suddenly everything is raw, ugly, frightening. You realize that no one else is looking out for you--you are alone. This would not be such a tragic event, except we are born into 'family' which provides a sense that we are not meant to be alone. We come to believe that those around us are there for our protection, for loving and nurturing us--it is our 'instinct' to believe this, even if they fail.

While still encapsulated in our own personal cocoon, we grow away from this dependence--or remain unnaturally attached to it because it seems demanded of us. We begin to see life as it truly is, not as we feel it should be.

If we are fortunate, maturity takes us by the hand and leads us safely into the world. Many times, though, we cling to our childhood--attemptng to write our future as we want it to be, rejecting the reality of the present. We are neither here nor there. We are neither adult nor child. We are nobody.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes when I experience such a stream of consciousness, I begin to doubt the validity of my own thoughts, as is the case now. So I looked up the meaning of the word innocence in Encarta. One of the definitions supports my feelings, I suppose, so I will include it:

innocence

4. lack of worldly experience: a lack of experience of the world, especially when this results in a failure to recognize the harmful intentions of other people

I despise

2007-09-29T08:31:00.000-05:00

hypocrites, people who lie to themselves (and ultimately to others), and those who live in denial.

I can live without (a) 'love' in my life,

2007-09-29T08:29:00.000-05:00

but I have a harder time living with rejection.

Burning Bridges (I always thought you were not supposed to!!!! My bad!!!)

2007-09-28T16:42:00.000-05:00

Today I'm burning bridges that need to be burned, and focusing my attention on the people who deserve it--those who have been helpful to me, supportive of me, and encouraging. They are abundant and willing to be there if I take the time to notice them. I've truly allowed those who do NOT deserve my attention, time, and energy to zap me, control me, and keep me frozen.

Today I say, 'Burn baby, burn!!! I don't have time for you!!'

Do you ever have one of those days when....

2007-09-27T09:58:00.000-05:00

....you want something so badly, and you KNOW you can never have it (the way you'd want it to be), and yet, you cannot let it go because you really want it THAT badly?!

I'm having one of those days!!

Ponderings and ramblings....oh my!!!!

2007-09-23T07:27:00.000-05:00

This blog should include the subtitle: The Journey Inside Myself and Back (or Beyond). What I've learned about blogging since joining the millions who feel they 'must' write (as Rilke describes one who finds they 'must write') is that I am too self-conscious and sensitive to write for the 'public' or even for myself in a public forum. I am not beyond self-reflection/introspection. I still have so much doubt and fear that I've not properly confronted and overcome. I cannot seem to think past it. But then most of my handwritten journals were all about that--my journals are full of writings about my feelings on personal issues and life experiences that were too overwhelming for me to process without giving them a platform--a place to play them out for me to see. That IS very personal and perhaps such a 'journal' should remain so.

People in the blogging world/blogdom seem to have so many interesting and clever things to write about--common interest types of subjects. Most have a way of including their readers--bringing them into their world of thoughts and ponderings in a more universal way. Sure, my ramblings may attract an audience of people 'who relate'--but who wants to 'relate'? Typically, it's bad enough that one has life experiences that are so awful leaving us to feel the same. Must we read (or write, for that matter,) about it ad nauseam? I think not. So each time I try to write and all I hear in my head is angst and frustration with my life, I perpetuate the problem by beating myself up for not being past it all--for not dealing with my issues in a more mature way--for the inability to just get over it and move on in some meaningful/fulfilling way. For this very reason I feel I've nothing to say lately.

A friend recently said to me that if not for my 'bad luck', I'd have no luck at all. Sheesh, can this be true? You know, I don't see myself that way. As bad as things seem, I feel eternally optimisitc and really believe better times are just around the corner. But then, this has been a feeling that hasn't been satisfied in a meaningful way, or perhaps I should say in a life-changing way. That is what I desire the most--for my life to take that turn that places me in an ongoing positive and more permanent place. Is that possible? Does such a place exist?

I've been to therapists. I've read far too many self-help books. I know the various 'paths' available for 'finding myself'. I grew up in a very religious home. I've had good times and bad times--marriage, divorce, a near-death experience. I have good friends and bad--I've kept some, I've lost some. I am not unlike many people. Is it just that I feel that I am? I do feel like a bit of a freak! Perhaps I've come to believe all those voices in my head (not literal...ha...those of people in my past and still present, sometimes even my own) that influence me to feel inferior to everyone else. I would say I've experienced too many attitudes of doom and gloom. It feels like my best kept secret that deep down inside I don't feel that way, but to reveal this makes me feel arrogant--who am I to be happy and fulfilled? Who am I to 'get it right' and live well? That is truly how I feel most of the time--would that be someone who STILL feels undeserving?

I've only seen one real Broadway musical in NYC, and I'll date myself when I share the title, but it was 'Zorba the Greek' starring Anthony Quinn. I shared one of the lines from this performance with a friend not long ago as I was pondering yet another of those overwhelming times in life that I faced. The lyric was: 'Life is what you do, while you're waiting to die, This is how the time, goes by.' The person who heard this thought it represented a morbid outlook, but I happen to think of it as a challenge to realize that what we are 'doing', thinking , feeling, experiencing IS our life. It is how our time goes by and it's how our life takes shape and form. So much in life IS out of our control, but there is a vast amount of living that is very much ours to do with it as we choose. That is the message I receive when in my mind I hear the words to that song.

So, okay, I'm still reflecting, still writing about my ponderings about this life I'm living. I still ask questions, which at my age, feels embarrassing. Shouldn't I have more answers by now than this? I think what I need most of all is to give myself permission to stop belittling myself. I need to give that up and relax with it. Ha!! Easier said than done! But one can try?! OUCH!!!!! Those voices are telling me that trying is NOT doing (see how much psychology I've had?!). Ugh!!! A constant theme with me is 'let it go'...let it go...let it go!!!!!! Breathe....relax....regroup....refocus.....and let life happen without so much analysis. Live in the moment and enjoy that moment as much as I can.

A couple of times on TV now, I've seen interviews with a woman (Chris? perhaps) who has terminal cancer. The doctors tell her it's incurable. She's decided to see this experience as a challenge to live rather than a 'death sentence'. She's creating a 'reality film' about her ability to live with the cancer and to live in ways she'd not had the courage to before. She quit her job, moved, searched for doctors who are supportive of her efforts to live as long (and as well) as she can with the cancer in her liver and lungs. She's chosen to experience life in ways she had not before--bungie jumping, for example, and falling in love and marrying (the producer of her video fell for her, actually, and convinced her to marry him--how cool is that?). She is very inspiring, and I hope to follow her story as it unfolds. She seems very brave by exposing her life in this way and also by embracing it and living it even admitting that this may be what it took to make it happen. Can I be a Chris (*note to self: find out her 'real name' and find a link)?!?!

Anyway, I'll leave it at this--I've found my challenge for today--in fact, it's NOT a new one for me. In the past, I've sat with three different people who had cancer. One, in particular, did a lot of personal sharing with me of her experience. After her life ended, I found myself 'talking to her' and asking the question--'what was this experience (dying in this way) all about', and what I KNOW was her answer came to me clearly. It was NOT ALL about dying--it truly was about living. She lived much longer than anyone had anticipated. I happen to think that I befriended her at a time when others (and perhaps even she) had nearly given up on her existing much longer. She lived two years or more beyond the time I met her. She seemed to 'struggle' much of that time, but through it all, she lived and found some happiness and contentment in still being with us, especially with her family--her one daughter and two granddaughters and her sisters and other family members and friends. She showed love and compassion for those who would seem difficult to love under different circumstances. She had no time for hatred. She often spoke about her daughter's ex-husband, the father of her grandchildren. Though she had questionable feelings about him, she still held out hope that he would remain a fair and reasonable man. In other words, she embraced the importance of optimism. That is the legacy I must embrace and carry on.

Another experience I had was through one of my favorite books, also a journal, Song for Sarah, written by a young pregnant mother (Paula D'Arcy) who was in a car accident with her husband and toddler daughter, Sarah. A drunk driver hit them and both her daughter and husband were killed while she and her unborn child survived. She had journaled to Sarah while in the womb and afterwards ( I did the same with both my children which is why the book grabbed my attention). The book was a continuation of the journal she began to Sarah before birth, during her short lifetime, and after her death. Through her journal she searched for her own answers to why we must experience life in such difficult ways. I will paraphrase her conclusion which will remain with me the rest of my life. After much pondering she said that one day her memories hung like the empty clothes in the closet and she realized they only represented the person who wore them--the lives that existed before that fatal day when they were suddenly gone. Then it occurred to her that while memories have their meaning, she knew they did not properly represent the person. I think her line to describe this feeling went something like this....'all that remains of all that we were is the love'. Life is impermanent...only love remains. Memories sustain us, but love stays with us all of our days, and she made it her challenge to wake up everyday asking the question 'How can I love, whom can I love' each and every day for the rest of my life. She still had herself, she still had her unborn child, and she knew she could not drown in her sorrows. She could continue to love, even those who seemed lost to her, and she could share that love beyond the tragic experience of loss. Love is always there for the taking and for the sharing. Perhaps it should begin with loving ourselves?!

Have I come full circle? I don't know. I know it's painful to dwell on things that cannot be changed--to think about things over and over again with no resolution--it leaves me feeling tired, worn-out, defeated. I want to get out there and live. I don't want to wait for my 'life sentence'. I hear the messages--I 'get' them. It's time to show that I do!!!! Maybe someday soon, I'll have exciting adventures to share--or at least I will truly know how to laugh at the obstacles that sometimes overwhelm me. So many people here in 'blogdom' share such humorous stories of how they meet these challenges or how they perceive the experiences unfolding around us in the media and politics, etc. I can do it, too, if I get my head out of my own butt, huh?!?! Hahaha!! How pathetic....I DO need to come up for air!!!!!!!!!!